some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

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more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Friday, August 31, 2018 @ 12:50 PM
Indigo
Hey.

Just wanted to say that today passed by really quickly. It was morning, 5am, when I woke up after that heart-twingingly vivid dream. Of my parents, mummymon papamon and I, heading to a simple shopping centre and trying our luck at some carnival/pasar malam games. My mum trying to throw that soft toy to hit and move the huge, heavy swinging target, me laughing and egging her on on her right side, phone in hand recording the scene down. Papamon to her left, also providing advice on how to aim and throw. Something like what we did for the Marina Bay carnival. And somehow I know, binbinmon and qiqimon are nearby too, although they weren't physically at the scene. And mummymon saying she'll get it for sure this time, if not she'll spend another card/some more money to let me have whatever I want, as a kind of bet. She didn't manage to hit it though. The perspective was of her rushing forward with that unicorn in hand, me standing a ways to her forward-right side. Then the perspective became a phone front camera perspective, me recording myself pouting a little bringing a peace sign to the side of my face, while sliding down a closed-top slide (the scene was dimmer than normal, suggesting I'm inside the slide). And somehow I know that was my winning of the "bet" haha, because mummymon didn't manage to hit the target. We were all laughing before she did that last try.

Vivid dreams. So close to my heart. My parents are getting old... I must write something for them. I must.

Today was kinda busy. And I ate a lot for lunch. The turkey was really good though. So was the broccoli and the mashed potatoes, and the cream gravy sauce. And the cranberry sauce. Every bite was great. But now I'm really too full to eat anything else haha. The pesto tortellini doesn't sit very well with my stomach x( Maybe it'll be better with cream sauce instead of tomato sauce. But well, since I have the tomato sauce, I kinda have no choice. Still have 3/4 of the jar of sauce left, hopefully I'll be able to finish it before any fungus grows on it D: Feeling a little nauseous thinking about the pesto sauce now, I hope I didn't undercook it x-x

Tomorrow's gonna be another quick day, probably. And Alvin will fly to America soon... Safe flight, my dear. Safe flight.

I will wake early tomorrow. And the day will pass by quickly again. And then I will come back here, and eat my chicken soup for dinner.

Yiruma is doing great to me again. Almost makes me pine for the piano. Almost. But not quite. To think I'd memorised four or more of his songs perfectly at one point.

I'll get there again though. And I'll be back beside my family. Playing all these with them, beside them. Going to events with them. The extraordinary in the mundanity. We think what's typical can last forever but we forget.

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Wednesday, August 29, 2018 @ 11:17 AM
Although I'm not hungry I eat, as if eating will help to fill up the emptiness inside me
I get increasingly jaded as the pretense goes on

I miss the white lights in my house
the damp humidity
The way in the morning
the birds call out to me
TV sounds before I sleep
The softness of the sheets
surrounding me as I 
ease/drift into my dreams

The music of the land
The casual spoken slang
The smell in the air 
right before the rain begins (began)
The keys to going home
Etched deep within my soul
With these lights you (It's how I) know I'll
never be alone

...

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Sunday, August 26, 2018 @ 3:20 AM
Navigation
The question is: What can you live with? What can you live with?

That is always, always the question that you have to ask yourself. And when the answer comes to you, you will know what to do. With a direction in mind, you won't feel so helpless any longer as you navigate through your current state in life.

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Saturday, August 25, 2018 @ 1:46 PM
Slowly I learn to make do with what I have - to forge ahead even if I don't see what's coming next.
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@ 8:22 AM
Somewhere I lost a piece of me | Smoking cigarettes on balconies
You've gotta decide what you want to do with your life, my dear. Think about your priorities, and then focus on them. Focus very much on them. Do not create space for anything else other than your priorities. Let the other worries subside, because they don't play a part in your mind.

What are your priorities?

To get the work done in Stanford. To do your final year project, come up with reasonably good results, write a report, get at least an A- for your FYP.

And then also to finish studying Music Theory till Grade 6, create melodies, and a portfolio for Lasalle.

Those are your priorities. Your only two priorities. Everything else that you decide will be linked to these two priorities. Do your current actions and circumstances suit these priorities? Think about it, and then decide on your next course of action. Have these as a lighting post to guide your way through the dark. Fuck everything else that do not align with these two priorities.

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@ 6:52 AM
Now Playing: There For You - Martin Garrix
(this was written on Saturday, 18 August 2018. To be more precise, Sunday morning.)

Can't sleep but I decided not to give a f*** about it because why give a fak when you can do something else to occupy your time instead? Your body will sleep when it wants to sleep and needs the sleep; you won't fall down and die just because you didn't have a solid at-least-six-or-five hours of sleep for two nights in a row. Sure, your brain might not work at its best potential, but that's a sacrifice you'll have to make, and even if you force yourself to sleep you won't be able to sleep, so fuck it lol. Don't worry about tomorrow's troubles when you can barely even make it past today. You get what I mean? A bit of jet lag won't cause you to die. Forgetting to pack something won't cause you to die. A thin mattress and a squeaky bed won't take so much out of your life. You'll still survive.

I am suddenly reminded of that insect that chirps at night in my room, and I find myself wishing if only it's here in this place as well HAHA.

I want to be real to myself, to stop trying to put on a front, to cry when I want to cry, laugh when I want to laugh, speak when I have something to say. No more lying, acting, time to be real. To be unafraid to cry, to show weaknesses. It's time for that perfectionist streak to be shoved into the corner and to stay there in that fucking corner.

Yes, I feel like crying whenever I think of my room, my house, my dog, my mum or my parents. Especially my mum, or anything related to my mum. Yes, I am crying now as I type about it, as I am eating the graham crackers I snagged from the airplane (thank god for that). And damn it, there's no need to hide this. People can think I'm weak for all they like, but what's important is that I'm strong to myself and eventually, this strength will show through. It's better to be strong for myself and appear weak to others, than to appear strong to others when I am actually weak inside, because eventually, that weakness will leak out. And you won't be able to keep up the strong facade any more.

We do well in some ways and compensate with others.

This is an important thought to have now.

Be kind to yourself.

I'm not sure why I don't really feel like writing all these down in Mia. Maybe because they are too dark? Or maybe because Mia was meant to be a happier diary, without all the scrawls and scribbling haha.

On a side note, the temperature outside is apparently 13 degrees celsius now. No wonder the house feels like a 19/20 degrees celsius even without fan or air con or anything haha. That's not too bad, at least. No need for a fan. I do need a pillow though.

I suppose this is what it's like if I were to move into someplace new alone, without anyone to bring anything over or to buy anything for me. I should have enough money to get some simple things to make my life easier. Like a pillow. A mug. Maybe a kettle. But that's all right. I'll need to learn how people get around this place. Worse comes to worst, I still have uber and lyft. So I know I won't be stuck in a place without transportation.

It's apparently going to get pretty cold in December, with the lowest temperature being 4 degrees celsius. Hmmm. Gonna need a good quilt then. Will ask sixuan tomorrow if she has a good blanket. And perhaps a pillow for me lol.

There's still time. I've only been here for less than ten hours, god damn it. Why am I panicking so much? I've been too used to having everything taken care of during the past half a year, especially since I moved out of hall and lived back with my parents every day. There's no logical reason as to why I won't be able to survive, my brain is just unwilling to accept being thrown into this environment I don't want to be thrown into. But now that I'm here, there's no more excuses lol. As much as I have been crying into my pillow for every night before I sleep in the past few days.

Also, maple is an unnecessary and perhaps even harmful distraction lol. It doesn't help, it's merely a way to escape, and it takes up way too much time when I escape. At least Ikemen Sengoku and Midnight Cinderella are time-limited LOL - there's only so much you can do at a time. Whereas maple... Unfortunately, even the daily expeditions cause me too much of my time. One hour each. Two hours a day. Which can be better spent elsewhere. Even if I am intensely trying to play Midnight Cinderella for the story events, the max I can get to is only 30-40 minutes? So yeah, maple is a pretty bad distraction. I will cut the time I spend on it.

I have other more important things to get to, after all.

See you. In a better place hopefully, next time. On the other side.

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