some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

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Thursday, July 26, 2018 @ 12:20 PM
Painful longing for another day
I’m glad I have my blog at least, to turn to, in this unsatisfactory mood of mine.

The corporate life is wearing me down. Even more so now that I know that I am just another cog in the system, and that even if I’m gone, it wouldn’t matter much to the company anyway. And what would I sacrifice by being here? Almost everything that is important to me - my dream, my time, my effort, my life. The more I think about it, the more unhappy I become, as if this is a worm and poison that has started to take hold of my head. It gets worse the more time I spend here. I want to be out of this, not waste any more time doing the things I know I will never want myself to do. I don’t want a corporate life. I would rather be a starving artist than have to endure this unsatisfied longing, day after day after day.

Do you know how painful it is? When things get hard here, the first thing I think of is - if only I was doing that something else instead! That something else which I love, am willing to put work into doing, which I won’t shy away from even on the shit days. And even when I am doing well here, I’ll still be thinking - I’ll still want to go back there anyway. You see? Do you know how bad this feeling is?

If I am there, I know - even if things are hard, I wouldn’t find myself longing for the stability of the life here. But maybe I am speaking too soon; maybe I am still living in the age where I have no responsibilities and hence am not worried about the consequences of instability. But that doesn’t matter, what matters is that now, it is too painful for me to continue deceiving myself that I would prefer this to what I could have.

There, I’ve said it. I want to do it. To go out. To go into the world of music. Whatever it is. And I can do it. I will do it. Even if it has its own set of struggles. Because now, I cannot imagine what set of troubles there will be there which will be worse than this dissatisfied longing I am feeling everyday now.

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