some public
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die

huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)


人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

more of me

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Sunday, April 29, 2018 @ 10:37 PM
Now Playing: Autumn Finds Winter - Yiruma
Was seized with the sudden, intense urge to come here, and blog.

What extraordinary emotions I'm feeling now, listening to Yiruma's Autumn Finds Winter. Such a simple motif, and yet it moves me to my core. I'm not sure what of it arouses such acute senses within  me. I think my brain may have linked it inextricably to the first night Alvin attended a music concert together with me - last night, as we sat in seats HC16 & 17 on the second circle of the Star Theatre, listening to Yiruma play on his grand piano.

It didn't feel like much then. I'm still not sure how last night affected me, or will come to affect me. Maybe my subconscious mind has internalised several of those new melodies I've heard for the first time last night, and linked them to different things which I felt in the time from then till now.

I went to my grandmother's house to celebrate her birthday (and allegedly, Mothers' Day) just now. My dad brought a large cake over - vanilla-flavoured, topped with fresh cream and strawberries, pre-ordered from Prima Deli - and the rest of my grandmother's children were there as well, together with their children and their children's children. Time flashed by right in front of my eyes then, as I watched how my aunts and uncles interacted with one another - it reminded me potently of the time when we stayed together with my grandmother at Holland Grove Road, when the paternal relatives would come over every now and then to have a chat.

Time flies, and now we are old. Older. I'm no longer as scared of them as I used to be; I'm no longer doubtful of my decisions and eager to impress them. I don't shy away from contact with them now, and I know that what they think about me has no power over the way I choose to exist. It's a strange thought. Now that I think back upon it, I'm not certain what made me so afraid of them in the past. As if I had to live up to pleasing them, and impressing them. Was I really such an unconfident child?

I went to Chinatown and OG with my parents just now. They bought two Hush Puppies luggages for me, in preparation for my trip to the States. And then we walked around, and ate dessert. And walked to buy bakkwa at a store. These times won't last. I observe the way my mum interacts with my dad, and vice versa, and I think - I know more about them now, and yet, how long can this last? I see their strengths and flaws now, and see how human they are. I no longer shy away from the thought that they, too, are humans. Like any other.

When we are young, when our parents are everything to us, we tend to think of them as perfect creatures. The world as a perfect place, without loopholes.

But as I grow up, I've come to know, more and more, that there are loopholes everywhere. We seem to know what we are doing, but in reality, what are we doing, really? We've established all these systems and institutions, the economy, politics, law - but even the law, the absolute law, has its loopholes. I don't think anyone truly knows what they are doing.

As a child I believed that the world was flawless.

Now I feel like we are just a species so extraordinarily lucky to be alive, to exist in this... spacetime fabric. What would you call it? This bubble, this space that we exist in? The 'world'? That seems insufficient, somehow. It's so improbable that I am here, at this moment, a combination of all the things that make up me and which have conspired together in the past to lead to something like me.

And what... scares me, is the inevitability of death and loss. Just as it was almost incomprehensible that I can exist right now, it is almost too easy that I can be gone. Our very existence seems like an extremity in probability. If that's the case, then... It's not easy for me to believe that we are the product of a string of coincidences. There must be so much more to the spacetime we occupy that we think. We are merely ants in the face of the universe, microbes. Unseeable. And unseen. Unless you know where to look. Which means that a much more intelligent assembly must exist, somewhere out there. Maybe beyond our current range of sight.

We are so.. frail. So fragile, and small. Minute. Infinitely small.

What are we?

I have the nagging, and somewhat fearful thought, that it will all end soon.

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