some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

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more of me

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Tuesday, March 27, 2018 @ 6:44 PM
Plea for help
Mmhm, I clapped my hands:
And the reason for that is...









It's always been pretty easy for me to do well in school work. In primary school, secondary school, JC, sometimes even in university. I scored my As, I did exceedingly well (not going to mince my words), I was always in the best class, and I never had to try too hard for it. The thing is, I'm not sure if I did well because I tried hard or if it's because I'm innately "talented". It's a very sad dilemma to be stuck in, because on one hand, if my superb results were due to my "talent", then this means that I am suffering from some sort of symptoms similar to the ones described in the series of pictures above. If I was indeed working hard to get those results, I don't know that I was working hard - nobody ever told me that I was working hard, or praised me for working hard. They only praised me for the As. And even then, the praises slowly dwindled as the years passed. Getting an A in uni now is nothing to be proud of. Cuz it seems like everyone can get it with hard work. And everyone is able to work hard. In this case, then, the same outcome will still occur - I'd still exhibit the same symptoms as described above, because I'd still think that the results I've gotten have stemmed from my "talent", and not the hard work - because I simply cannot see the fact that I'm working hard. 

And it seems like the older we get, the less we get praised for working hard as well; when we do some things, or push ourselves a little further, it's simply taken as a sign that we're doing what we're supposed to do anyway. We're supposed to be able to do paperwork. Supposed to be able to sustain ourselves. Supposed to be able to take care of our bills, our education, our lives and our selves. And it makes me feel as though my boundaries are so weak in the first place - if I'm already doing something which I wouldn't have otherwise done, yet people still don't recognise that I'm pushing myself for it, it makes me feel more worthless, because that thing is something which I should be doing yet it's something which I have to put in effort to do. Am I that weak?

What do I compare hard work to? How do I know that I am working hard? Or - as dangerous as this question is - hard enough? Can somebody please pat me on the back, and let me know that I have worked hard? Even adults need that once in a while - especially adults who were not taught the value of hard work as kids.

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Saturday, March 24, 2018 @ 11:35 PM
So excited that I can barely breathe;
Have you ever felt so excited to continue working on a project that you have trouble going to sleep at night because all you can think about is how to continue working on your project? But at the same time you know that's you are exhausted, physically and mentally from your day, although your project seems to give you a rush of adrenaline and excitement.

Here, I have someone I don't want to disappoint, and that is probably what keeps me going. Perhaps only his word, and his word alone, is enough to keep me going. Because I haven't made a promise, or a bet, with anyone else in this way - I didn't have anyone who cared enough about me to make sure that I stick to my promises. Or rather, I didn't have anyone strong enough to sway me from my own opinions and my own 放纵ness.

And I want to surprise him :) I wonder what his reaction will be.

But for now, I know that I should go to bed instead of continuing on this project, haha, because rest is also equally important.

I look forward to tomorrow, when I'll wake up refreshed and ready to continue moving on.

-

Anyway, thoughts on the car ride back to the house this evening from the funeral:

What are the things that you turn to - that comfort you - when you feel uneasy; restless; frustrated; vexed; on edge?

I believe that your answer to this question will, somehow, reveal something very significant about your life.

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Sunday, March 18, 2018 @ 4:11 PM
The river of time
And time relentlessly flows by; minutes melt into hours melt into days melt into years
It's all I can do not to be swept away by the waters of time
I plant my feel firmly into the wet, loose, soil below
Stubbornly hoping to remain stationary against the ever-gushing flow
A flow that only seems to grow stronger the longer I remain in position
And a flow that never ceases to accelerate as it progresses

A piece of chocolate cake, anyone?

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@ 9:34 AM
Quote in a quote in a quote
Why is it
that we tend to get plagued by the old
and crave for the new?
:/
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Friday, March 9, 2018 @ 4:50 PM
World of our own
We are the kind of people who,
when caught up into the world of a film or a book
won’t come out for a long, long time
won’t let go of the emotions it made us feel
won’t resurface until it’s made us feelenough

We are the kind of people who,
when caught up into the world of a film or a book
may even bring parts of it to our realities
because it has become part of our realities
if only for a small duration

This is who we are
The dreamers, the idealists, the hopefuls, the imaginatives
or rather, perhaps I should say
The naive ones, the aloof ones, the disappointed-in-reality ones
The ones who live in a world of their own.

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Monday, March 5, 2018 @ 12:23 PM
The act of learning
Getting more and more used to the idea that times change, and we change along with them. The events of the past will never happen again with all the same factors intact. And that also means that the present will never happen again in the exact same way in which it is happening now. Which means that every moment is special, and different from every other moment.

That makes me feel comforted. In being different from every other point of time and existence, the present thus feels meaningful to me. This is the meaning in my life, I guess. The ability to appreciate the present. (there was another clause I wanted to add after this sentence, but I lost the thought when I went to google synonyms for "even if".)

Well, that's great. Now that I can see the meaning in my life, it makes me less apprehensive about actually living it.

I want to learn piano, and I want to continue with this challenge simply because I want to learn piano. Because I want to be able to play the piano when certain emotions arise within me. And simply because I want to play the piano.

I want to learn languages because it's cool to be able to understand different languages and speak to different people. And I am uniquely gifted in a way that makes it easier for me to learn languages, compared to other people.


Is that a small measure of achievement for me? That I see meaning in learning the piano because I just want to learn it?

We'll see in the future as I continue to work on it, I suppose.

Right, time to go for my UAEB session. The first session of the week. I hope that I will be able to enjoy myself while learning something new this week.

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Saturday, March 3, 2018 @ 2:51 PM
Off Day
Just finished watching 4 episodes of Yuri!!! on Ice. O: That sums up to a total of approximately 1h20m watching the show HAHA. Enough for now, I suppose. More than enough. It's time for me to go and complete other things now like reading my book or playing the piano xD My priorities for this sem, which I haven't forgotten!

I'm thinking I ought to go outdoors and cycle around now.

Yep, perhaps that'd be a good thing to do for the next hour or so! Haven't really exercised this week anyway.

Short post, but see you!

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Friday, March 2, 2018 @ 10:37 PM
Scars to your beautiful
She says

Beauty is pain
and there's beauty in everything
What's a little longer?
I can go a little while longer

She fades away

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@ 10:07 PM
Malaise
I suppose, after your university days
that there is one thing you should know -

that is that all relationships, including friendships, are hard to maintain
and the relationship which you have with yourself is no exception
although it could be one of the most important relationships out there,
because without it, you won't be able to handle your other relationships well.

I'm currently sitting at the dining table in my house with a seriously heavy head. It feels as if I've been sedated or something; I don't know why my head can get as heavy as it has gotten. Clearly, the thought of work, or of doing anything responsible, exacerbates the heaviness. (All right, here I have to stop for a moment - I claim that the things that I don't want to do are the things that any responsible person should be doing, but I'm really being too harsh on myself. Because 1. it's not like there are any urgent deadlines placed upon me and 2. it's not like I'm behind on the list of things in my to-do list. In fact, I have quite a bit of time before I got to continue doing the things I "need" to do, really, so I wouldn't say that I am irresponsible. And 3. isn't it the job of a responsible person to rest when she knows that her body needs the rest anyway? I end my case there.) Right, so I have decided to give myself a break. I don't think my body actually requires the sleep I thought it was lacking, anyway, since I kept waking up in my bed when I was attempting to sleep just now. It's just a general feeling of heaviness hanging around my head.

Guess I'll give myself a break this weekend from work, and from lectures. Though I probably should still tweet that small little tweet I'm supposed to be tweeting, and complete that Accenture digital interview I ought to be completing.

What a week! Perhaps the incessant activity was the source of this mental drainage which is hanging around me at the moment.

-

Right, I got distracted by the other things I did in the afternoon and didn't manage to complete this post HAHA but well. Shall leave it like this for now. :)

Shall spend tomorrow resting as well! My body's giving me a sign that I need the rest haha.

See you!

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