some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Wednesday, February 28, 2018 @ 11:21 AM
Mundanity: the quality of being commonplace and ordinary.
Today is a beautiful day! I started it off with a walk in the morning around my neighbourhood, observing people as they went about their daily activities. There was a lady wearing a pink visor and pink sportswear leading her pet corgi on a walk - or should I say, the corgi was the one leading her forward instead. It was quite an amusing sight, really, seeing the corgi lunging forward with all its might and pulling on its leash while its owner huffed behind it and tried not to fall over. *laugh*

Then there was that group of four Indian(?) men at the open-air badminton court, having a game of badminton :) I caught a view of a nice smash by one of them! And saw a white, furry dog pooping on the pavement with its owner standing resignedly at the side, waiting to pick up its poop. Also discovered a nice little waffle shop that sells savoury waffles in addition to the usual sweet waffles we get from prima deli etc. Teehee. Think I'll try the waffles from there one of these days :D 

I've had a lot more time this year and this semester to consider what sort of future I'd like for myself! Sometimes, a certain idea, or a vision, would pop up in my head, and I'd get all excited as I contemplate the paths leading to that future. But my excitement would decrease by tenfold the next day as I get back to my "normal", daily life HAHA. Though it doesn't mean that I'd forget all about that vision. It's still there, in my mind somewhere, waiting for its chance to come out and take over my life after a little push in the correct direction by the circumstances I find myself in. Hehe. 

Exciting, isn't it. Perhaps I'd do what Jason suggested us to do - which is to work backwards from your goal. I think you have a pretty certain idea of what you already want to have in your life in the future - the only thing that remains now is how to get there. And you can get there by working backwards :) 

Okay then! I look forward to seeing how my life will unravel! But before that, I'm going to enjoy today to the best of my abilities, including the more "mundane" parts of the day like reading my paper xD

See you!

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Tuesday, February 27, 2018 @ 10:10 AM
The Space Time Fabric
Sometimes I wake up in the morning not knowing what I am, or what I ought to be doing. I cannot differentiate between the dream I'd just been living in and the reality I've woken up in, and I don't know which events are those that I can trust to have actually happened in the 4-dimensional time and space arena we exist in.

I proceed to stumble out of bed wearily, although I've had a full 10 hours of sleep through the night. Well, maybe not the full ten hours, because sometime at 1am, a cicada or some sort of insect or nocturnal creature started to chirp unceremoniously from the corner of my room, rousing me out of sleep every time I managed to successfully be lured to the borders of dreamland. Annoying. I woke up, I turned on the light, I used my phone in the darkness. Then at 3am our dog went around opening our room doors with a heavy thump and scratch each time, and I am once again rudely shaken from my sleep.

The moral of the story is, I've been losing the bits and pieces of myself, as the days pass, or otherwise, confusing them with the contents of my dreams. Within an hour of waking up, granted, I'd feel much clearer about what is a fact (reality) and what is a momentary occurrence (dream), but that period between the moment I open my eyes and the realisation can be rather painful or disorientating. What happens if one day I never get past the stage where my brain calms down and tells me the difference between the two?

That aside, I am also starting to discover the vulnerabilities of human memory. We don't remember our past in chronological orders. We remember them in terms of the events that have shaped us the most. And we add on to these memories inevitably, each time we attempt to recount them. So it gets harder and harder for me to trust the truth behind what my mind tells me. The only way I feel safer about it would be to write things down. To record them in a form more permanent than my memories, to preserve them from organic degradation. That way, even if I forget the things that have happened, at least I have my words as a vehicle to relive them.

Granted, even these supposed permanent forms of memory can be tempered with, and I'm afraid of a future in which our selves are centred around these malleable memories - for what are we without our accumulated memories and experiences? So many of our experiences have come and will come to shape the person we become. Without them, who are we? Are we still we?

These are questions that no doubt plague the people who suffer from dementia, their relatives, caretakers, loved ones, and researchers who study dementia. We keep desperately trying to formulate and discover the essence of ourselves, but we haven't succeeded as of yet. The Teleporter Paradox tells us that the materials that form up our selves are not enough to define our selves. Then what are we? If we are a continuous entity from the time of birth to the time when we discover self consciousness, to the time we are existing now, then won't our identities be inevitably tied to the phenomenon of time? We don't just exist in space, we also exist through time.

I don't know. I suppose I will only know if I suffer from dementia - but by then, I might be unable to formulate or describe the processes which I am going through.

Dormage, really.

-

I still feel comforted whenever I write out my thought processes in this manner.

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Monday, February 26, 2018 @ 6:39 PM
Remember to rest.
Feeling empty and bereft, like I am unsure of what I would like to do with my life again. It prolly has to do with the weekend's and day's and afternoon's events, hmm... What have I done today? Aish, I'm not sure; I was feeling too restless in the morning to know. Well, we ate samsui chicken at the Soup Restaurant at Clementi... And then went to take a look at sushi... ah, and then left for my house already. Strange. It's really strange, probably because we don't have enough time to ourselves recently.

What I probably need to do now is to take some time to centre myself, and then focus on one thing. One thing at a time, slowly, slowly, accomplish the things. And get enough sleep. Don't let your attention be pulled in so many different directions. And you will be fine that way... Now, focus on your BS3013 group assignment, see what you can value-add to the group - even if it's just that little bit. Stop allowing your mind to wander off in so many different directions, although I know that your attention is pretty short at the moment. 

You can do it, my dear! Do the things that allow you to centre yourself, and to retain that bit of confidence that has started to blossom once again within you. :) 

Cheer up! And always

Remember to rest. 

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Wednesday, February 21, 2018 @ 3:43 PM
Fledgling

Lazy afternoons
Blazing sun
Wish we could go back 
To where it'd all begun 

Childish naivety
Hopeful thoughts
What's wrong with lying
If you won't ever be caught?

Stuck in the present
Chained by the past
Obsessed with the future
Even the best of us

We're caught in the norms
Controlled by our fears
Where would you be
If you'd be free, my dear?

I'm a young fledgling 
With one foot off the branch
But they snapped my wings so brutally
I pray I'll still be fine

-

Another poem I recently wrote.

Won't you like to go back to the times when the mere act of screaming out swear words and vulgarities in capital letters on your blog is enough to calm your distraught mind down? If things were that simple, it'd be a pleasure, indeed. A pleasure.
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Tuesday, February 20, 2018 @ 6:03 PM
不要觉得可惜;这只是一场游戏

Who am I?

I'm probably a combination of all things that make up me.

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@ 5:56 PM
Childhood familiarities;
Am on the topmost floor of the playground beneath our house again, and I hope that there’re no mosquitoes around here! The evening sun is shining over the grounds but the slide and the trees are blocking the rays from hitting my face and body, so all is well. A young teenage couple has climbed onto the floor below mine, and are presumably going to stay there for a while. Don’t they think it’s slightly awkward if I am right here with them? Well but it’s not like I would mind if they start making out or doing whatever it is they wanted to do by coming to this playground. 

I also hope that I won’t get any rashes from having my skin come into direct contact with the playground floor. -scratches butt-

Guess we’ll have to write things down if we don’t want to forget them! 

Black Mirror + Alvin’s house was only 2 days ago? It feels like it happened last week. Like we have an entire week in between us. Sigh. Is this a product of growing up, and aging? Our memories won’t be as good as they used to be? Well. If so, then that’s a shame, isn’t it. No wonder people are so scared of having their memories altered, and aren’t confident of the things that they remember. 

So my solution to that is to write things down! Haha. Find some physical way to record things, so that you can be sure of their existence - although there’s that whole argument about whether you can even believe something you don’t remember doing. Well, let’s not go there for now, because it is pretty depressing. 

I’d like to re-read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, but I haven’t managed to find a soft copy version yet. Oh wait, have I? I think I did. Let’s check out the Kindle. 

Hm, it doesn’t seem like it was loaded into the Kindle. Oh well. 

It’s nearing 6! Nearing the end of yet another day again. I feel like I have a lack of control over my days, but is it because I am given the choice to do whatever I want during the day? In my schooling times, I’d have no choice but to go to school in the mornings, and sometimes only reach home in the evenings. So how I’ll spend my days will be routine, and no one will blame me for watching TV in the evenings if I have no homework. But now that I have fuller control over my time, I find myself craving a bit of that authority back into my life - it’s the way I’ve been brought up, after all. I can only function at my best when I am breaking that control - when an authority occurs, but I find ways to weave myself in between the rules. Hmm. 

Could that be true? I’m not certain, but we’ll see haha. 

Perhaps our childhoods have more control over the rest of our lives than we think. Maybe we’ll always subconsciously revert back to the way we lived as children. 

I’m still finding a way to make sense out of these unpredictabilities and uncertainties in what constitutes life. 
But perhaps I’ll get there someday. 

(Oops, got bitten by an ant.)
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Monday, February 19, 2018 @ 11:43 AM
Week;
My memory now is weaker than my memory in the past. Days seem to flash by, and I retain less remembrance of these passing days than I did when I was younger. Perhaps this is what drives me to blog down the things that have happened, lest I forget them.

Last week has been a rather busy week for me! I didn't really work on my Priority #1: Piano as much as I'd have liked to. But I met up with different groups of people in my life. On Monday night, I met with the Italy LIP girls, Wendy and Zann, and we talked about careers, zenness, and how I still have the time to try different things and to do the things that I want to do. And we discussed some relationship issues as well...

On Tuesday, I met up with the Nanjing peeps, Yi Xin, An Lin, Hui Hui, Mr Ang, and we Skyped Shanice Choo, Claire and Sherlyn(?) to discuss our answers to the question - What is the meaning of life? There were a few different answers, but perhaps two groups of answers in general - one, that the meaning of life lies in helping people and relieving suffering, and two, that there is no inherent meaning in life. Heard some stories about government jobs as well, and about how to get by even without a routine or conventional job...

On Wednesday, which is also Valentines' Day, I met up with Ting Ting for lunch/brunch (we ate at Ichiban Sushi @ Clementi Mall! And shared a set meal although we almost couldn't finish it) and Alvin at night for vday dinner @ the hong kong dimsum restaurant at Jurong Point (where we ate at last year as well, before we got together ;)). And he came over to my house! And then grabbed home. Oh, I bought the two penguins (penpen and panpan! HAHA) for $5 each at SPMS x_x and finished The Time Machine while I was waiting at SPMS.

On Thursday, I didn't go to school because I was pretty tired. Spent the day helping to prepare for CNY, and then at night it was time for the reunion dinner at popo's house.

Friday, first day of CNY! Visited the standard two houses in the morning and afternoon, then went to Marina Bay floating platform for the River Hong Bao exhibition and ate some food there. Then at night, I wrote my fan fiction O: From 8-10pm, about Mitsuhide and Yukimi and the Lunar New Year. It was inspired in part by the sense of desolateness and strangeness I felt that night, of deja vu and the feeling that time is passing too quickly.

Second day of CNY. Spent the morning lounging at home although what we really should have been doing was visit my 奶妈 haha well. Called her too late at 11.15am, but she was going to go out already, so we didn't manage to visit her. Went to visit mummymon's friend, Bi Yu, however, and her dog (a toy poodle) was pretty amusing. Then went to popo's house to eat popiah in the afternoon, and stayed to play 三国杀 with the cousins until night time. And mummymon and papamon came over to fetch me at 9.10pm or so, then we went to the airport to fetch qiqimon and binbinmon. I was suffering from pretty bad cramps though, so that was quite sad.

And Sunday! Yesterday. The third day of CNY. Went to visit Uncle Steven's house in the morning at 10am, brought Unagi along hahaha. Drank a lot of good tea and ate some food at his house, then it was 11.15am and time to go off. Came back home, and a mere minute after that, Alvin and qiqimon came over. Then a short while after that, korkormon brought his girlfriend, Tricia, over as well. And we drank cheng teng. Then went to popo's house (again HAHA) for the buffet + Jia Hao's wedding tea ceremony. Tried out Dolly's -moonface- VR set LOLL played a horror game (well, I didn't try it out but I watched the rest try it) for quite a while (it was pretty cool! A shooting kind of game) and then played some sanguosha until around 5pm. Then set off for Alvin's house! Bainian-ed, louhei-ed, ate dinner, listened to his cousin Jamie talk about horoscopes and personalities (haha, it was entertaining), watched black mirror (the episodes with the grain {recording memories} and the social media rating world), cut cake too in the middle of that, and Alvin drove me home :)

Wow. What a week. Haha. Seven days in total! Feels like many things have happened. But in reality, it was only seven days. I keep reiterating this but I can't help it - my sense of time does feel warped. It's been only a month since I made that bet with Alvin at the Star Vista's A-one claypot restaurant, and since we talked out our differences and misunderstandings. And it's been barely more than a month since we returned from Amsterdam. Amsterdam feels like three months ago. My. I'm not sure if this is because too many things have happened in this short time, or because my brain is holding on to too many memories of this period. Well. (I don't really believe what I'm trying to say in the latter HAHA but never mind, I shall not delete that.)

Time to continue on with my life and to do the other things I want to do. :)
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@ 10:54 AM
We learn from the mistakes that we survive from.
First of all, before I start on any of the activities I have to do for the day, I'd just like to comment that
We learn from the mistakes that we survive from. 
What made this thought surface in my head?

Well, I ran into two minor accidents on my bicycle just now on the way back home. The first was that the rubber tire encasing my wheel snapped off, and I almost fell from my bike (will probably have a bruise in an unmentionable area tomorrow, but at least there are no visible wounds or broken skin). What happened then was that I had to get off my bike, lie it on its side and then force the rubber tire back onto its metal scaffold. Well, that was done, but it wasn't exactly fitted correctly. I decided to take the risk that that was all right, however, and continued to ride my bike. It was fine, actually, it was ridable - except that I was more careful on the remaining ~400m ride home, paying extra attention to places in which the ground was uneven and there was a higher chance of the rubber tire snapping off again.

Okay. Then I made it to the carpark, and took care to stay on the left side of the road because vehicles were approaching on the right lane to exit the carpark, and there might be a car behind me as well which might want to overtake me. I rode a small distance away from the line of parked cars (probably  only half a metre away or so), but little did I know that this would lead to something dangerous happening as well! At that time, I assumed that all the cars that were parked in the parking area were, well, parked, and stationary as a result of that, but one car in particular, a white hatchback, was about to exit its parking lot! (with a driver in it, of course). And just when I rode past it, it started to move out. As you can recall, I was only half a metre away from the front of the car, at most, and I almost got knocked by the car. Of course, I shouted like "AHHH" and "FUCKK" LOL and lifted my legs up and then narrowly avoided being knocked in the side by the car. Whose owner was presumable equally shell-shocked at the sudden appearance of a cyclist, and who probably went on to curse all cyclists for being reckless under his breath. Well.

It was my fault, I suppose, because I shouldn't have assumed that the cars were empty. I also shouldn't have listened to music haha, it probably covered the sound of the car engine. And I probably shouldn't have ridden so close to the line of parked cars.

Well, I survived to tell the tale this time. And I suppose I'll be reminded of this incident (if not on a conscious level, then on a subconscious level) whenever I ride a bicycle again in the future, and I'll ride more safely as a person. Hopefully.

See you :)
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Thursday, February 15, 2018 @ 3:08 PM
To whom shall I address? ; Time to bring back the 'you'.
Yesterday, I finished reading The Time Machine

It left me in an entranced state. It is a story I enjoyed tremendously. And I enjoy the language within the book as well.

It is one of those books which possess both finesse of language and engagement of the plot.

I'd say that I'd classify it as one of my favourite books of all time, alongside The Time Traveler's Wife. Hm. Coincidence? Or not... I wonder, indeed xD

But the image of the future of the Earth as H. G. Wells dreamt up was vividly implanted into my mind - that of the Earth coming to rest with one face towards the Sun it orbits, the redness and large size of the Sun, the monstrous crustacean-like creatures roaming that Earth of the future - I wonder if this is really the future of the Earth, a few million years later. It is fascinating to contemplate. There's a strangely calming effect about it as well - to know that the universe will go on existing, the flow of energy and electrons and atoms and waves causing it to go forth towards a set state. It gives you a sense of being a whole lot greater than yourself, and from there, you can get a fresh perspective of how minute your current troubles are.

-

Coming back the the present.

I've forgotten what I tend to do on the 除夕 of every Chinese New Year. Normally, I'd be in school, right...? Now it feels strange that I am at home and it's like any other day except for the fact that my parents are home too. What do we usually do on this day? Spring cleaning? Last-minute tidying-up of our house and rooms? Strange.

I am tempted to go for a walk or a cycle. Time to get some leisurely exercise in, since there's nothing much for me to do indoors that appeals to me anyway. Although I do agree that piano is my priority, and rightfully so.

Right. Perhaps it's time to bring Unagi down for a walk as well.

See you!

-

P.S. Yesterday was Valentines' Day, and we relived our time in the Hong Kong restaurant at Jurong Point with you treating me to dimsum and 叉烧 again. Same date, same place, but such a different context. I remember still feeling a little shy to be with you alone this time last year, cause I wasn't sure what we would be able to talk about. But well. Thanks for the experience :) And for the penguins (although I was the one who bought them LOL)
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Monday, February 12, 2018 @ 1:43 PM
consequences ; a person can only think of so many things at any point in time or else she'd explode
Sometimes I think that blog posts don't do me justice when they are being read by other people. A single post, itself, would contain only the emotions I feel at the particular point in time in which I wrote the post. But it doesn't dictate how I feel on a normal basis. Especially since I only tend to turn to blogging/writing in my diary when fervent emotions are present in my mind.

It'd do you much better to read the entire collection of my posts in order to attempt to understand me as a person. But even then, there are some things that I don't write out, because I don't want anyone to see them. Maybe my private blog would be a better gauge of my character, then. Ah well.

Consequences, consequences. They creep into my brain and decision-making processes more often than not now. Whereas what would make me truly happy is the ability to not think about the consequences when I do things. From experience, I tend to perform better when my mind is immersed in the present (in whatever I am doing at the moment) than in the future.

Short thoughts. See you!
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@ 1:38 PM
Simplicity
Hello dear blog, I'm feeling restless again! I don't understand why the afternoon is so cooling although the sun is shining so ferociously outside, casting its bright rays mercilessly onto the earth. Its effects are masked by the constant stream of moving, cool air that presumably come from the north. (To be honest, I'm not sure where the wind is blowing from in these winter times haha). 

I ate half a packet of the ultra-spicy korean dry noodles just now (curry flavour) - ignoring the fact that the expiry date written on the packet was passed three days ago LOL. Well. A few days isn't going to hurt. I'm pretty sure that the manufacturers do not know precisely at what point the ingredients constituting that packet of instant noodles will ferment, or spoil. So it'll be fine. 

Didn't know why I chose to torture myself that way though. Although I only emptied half the packet of spicy sauce onto the full serving of noodles, the meal was still unbelievably spicy. Thank God I had my boiled broccoli pieces, or else I wouldn't be able to eat as much as I did. Even then, I couldn't continue burning myself up after the first ten mouthfuls or so, haha. This is self-torture, indeed. Only masochists would be content with inflaming their mouths, tongues and oesophagi to such an extent. 

Well. I was attempting to read the paper we'd be discussing in BS3017 just now, but I only got to the third page. Like I said, I'm feeling restless. I know I ought to take a walk or so and I'd feel a lot more refreshed after that, but for now, I've turned to confiding in you. Perhaps I was inspired by what Anne Frank wrote in her diary, haha. Well. Some of the words she printed remind me of the emotions I feel when I am writing in my own diary/blog. So I guess... 

You know, I am pretty content with the kind of life that I am living at the moment. Free, simple, uncluttered. There aren't bucketloads of deadlines being flung at me over and over again, and I have the ability to relax when I want to. But I know it's not enough, yet. I don't think I will go back to the period of hectic frenzy I immersed myself in a year and a half ago. This time, it was really too much. Too much to bear. Too much, and possibly too suffocating. I invited the demons in on my own account.

Yesterday, I went to xx's house. It was beautiful, really, seeing the kind of interactions that went on in xx's family. The playful bickering, the silent camaraderie as they sit and eat together, and then clear up the table, and then sit in front of the television to watch a local drama series. I would say that their family is more close-knit than ours. (I shall leave this sentence open for discussion.)

No wonder family is important to xx. 

Sigh, I don't really want to continue that train of thought any longer. I wonder if I would be able to accept that simple sort of life, where happiness is gleaned from moments of shared camaraderie and opinions towards the characters on screen. At that moment, all of them are present, you know? This is something which I don't see in our family at the moment, because even if we are watching the television together, halfway, someone would walk away or stray off to use their mobile phones, and the continuity of the shared moment is disrupted. 

Technology and smartphones, indeed. Ah well. 

I'm starting to see more and more of its impact on the life of people in general, and on my own life as well. 

Well. Is it time for me to take a walk, or to change up the activity which I am doing now? I wonder what activity would feel like the best fit into my current mood. 

See you!

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Friday, February 9, 2018 @ 10:10 PM
Kintsugi
My golden sphere has cracked
Months of despair
Slowly impaling the scratch

into the sphere, the pest burrows
Nestling, nestling
it creates a hole,

a miniature one, for sure -
but glass is brittle
So is my sphere

I failed; didn't catch it quickly enough
Didn't stop it in its tracks
It didn't feel my wrath

cuz the wrath's directed outside; what more can I do?
It fuels my despair
and despair builds it too

So now we've a cracked sphere - but is that really bad?
Kintsugi's beautiful;
Imperfection ain't (oughtn't be) a setback.

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Wednesday, February 7, 2018 @ 8:03 PM
Alive
Am feeling, on the overall sense, happier by quite a bit. And I realise that I use the expression "I feel" quite a lot. In fact, in almost every piece of writing I come up with, these two words are bound to appear.

Interesting. Telling of my character? Perhaps. 

There seems to be many more things that I am looking forward to in my life at the moment. Is it because the majority of things are going right in my life, or because I am actually doing more things? I'm not so sure yet. Perhaps the latter. I've come to the conclusion that being outdoors - being able to walk around, and be active and not be limited to an indoors area - is great. It's something I probably will want to keep in my life, especially when it comes to my future job as well. 

This, at least - this small bit of freedom to move around and to choose where I'd like to do my work - is something achievable, I suppose. Or something I deserve to/can have. 

:)

I'm glad. 

Feeling more alive now that I ever did in the past few (or many) months, although what's going on in my life is arguably a whole load more normal and mundane than what seems to have happened in the past few (once again, or many) months (Singapore vs France/Europe, for instance). But perhaps the mindset matters more than the location, and the circumstances. We'll see. 

It's great. I'm testing the waters and the balance. Still testing. Tentatively. Hopefully. Hopefully.

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Tuesday, February 6, 2018 @ 11:31 PM
6th February 2018, & the future
So... 6th February 2018 has passed by in a flash, and for the first time in my life, the day doesn't particularly seem momentous or exciting to me. In the past, I used to look at this day as a very special day, where the birds chirp and the sun rises and the clouds sing and everything is awash with a kind of magnificent light, but now, it's just another day of the year. The sixth day of the month of February. Just numbers. And letters. Nothing much else.

Perhaps it's because I've gone through other, more life-changing days in the past year, and so the day on which I was born doesn't seem as crucial any longer. I mean, what's so unique about a day on which I was born? I didn't do anything special to deserve it; if any, the credit should go to my parents 22 years and 9 months ago for having done the work to conceive me, haha (pardon the crudeness here; I apologise if it seems too brash). I probably learnt a whole lot of other lessons through the days and the years than on this particular day itself. So, strangely (or not), today doesn't seem like a special day. Except that I am "officially" twenty-two, and would have to address myself as such from now on when people ask for my age. But age doesn't really seem to matter now, anyway, much less than the year of study I'm in. People would be more interested to know that I am in my third year of undergraduate studies than that I am twenty-two. Well. 

So I spent the day pretty idly, like how I'd spend any other day. Completed my digital interview in the morning on schedule, and then headed off to school to meet Jie Hui (and some other Chem peeps) for lunch. Then Yuet Wan appeared with a mini birthday cake, which I shared with the four of them. Oh yeah, they gave me a card too! I almost forgot about it. And then we played cluedo, and they went for tutorial, and I went to the career fair to get my lucky draw stamps before making my way to the hive and then SPMS's computer lab to finish up the rest of my recorded lecture. And then I went back to the Chem peeps' tutorial room in Hive and played three rounds of cluedo with them (each round took approximately 40 minutes once we are serious, mind you), before Alvin came and we went for dinner. And talked in the darkness of the night sky. Haha. Pretty normal, I'd say. 

I just reached home (10.44pm), and discovered that at 9pm, my mum texted me to ask me what time I would be going home. And when I entered the living room, I noticed a plastic cake knife and a lone candle on the dining table, haha. And sure enough, when I went to check the fridge, the evidence was there - a cake box in the centre of the fridge (I didn't pull it out to check the flavour of the cake) waiting for me. My family members were nowhere to be seen, however, and I surmised that they've all gone to sleep because I replied too late regarding my plans for the night. Oh well. Feeling a little guilty, touched, warm all at once. 

But all these emotions I've felt and the things which I've done throughout the course of the day only serve to show that I don't really care about my birth day any longer. Perhaps it's because the most exciting birthday of all, that of twenty-one years old, has already passed me by, and it was such a huge hassle that I wouldn't want to do something like that again (or if I did, I'd definitely throw a much better-executed party). But yeah. I used to always yearn for someone to surprise me on my birthday, with a knock on my door or a cake in their hands, or a card with heartfelt messages, but now, I find myself not craving for surprises like this any longer. It's not to say that I don't appreciate them still; I merely do not feel anxious over the lack of them. They are welcome surprises if they do happen, for sure, but I don't fret and keep my hopes up for them any longer. Funny how things worked out to be this way, eh xP Perhaps my priorities have changed - I think that's true now. I care about other sorts of things more than missed birthdays and missing surprises :) I mean, what does a mere cake and Happy Birthday song mean? Friendships are more importantly seen in the everyday way in which we treat one another - like how I enjoyed lunch and the rounds of cluedo we played in the Hive today, possibly more than an acquaintance showing up at my door with a quarter pound of flour and sugar. The things that I value are different, and thus naturally, the actions which I carry out as well.

That's interesting to discover. Well. 6 February 2018 has passed. My 21st year has been full of lessons and learning. About myself, about the people around me, and about the world as well. It was defining, I suppose. But well. I wonder what this year will bring. For the first time in a long time, I might be seeing a bit of hope towards the future. 

Let's hope it will remain significant :)

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Monday, February 5, 2018 @ 4:00 PM
to go /out/
Hello all! It's a Monday afternoon and I am seriously annoyed! I don't know what brought on this mood as well but well, it leaves me pretty incapacitated in my own thoughts. I attempted to watch my RNA lecture just now but I ended up dozing off. I'm not sure if it is because I lack sleep. Perhaps, seeing how late I've been sleeping over the past few days. But I wouldn't really want to take an afternoon nap either, since it will probably leave me more annoyed when I wake up. There's only a few other options left to do, then, which is to get out of the house and explore Singapore, or watch some anime, etc. The latter doesn't appeal much to me, though, because what I really want is probably to get out of the house.

Hmm. It's settled, then. I'll go to some place with a park, or some new place where I can take a walk and hike around a little (since my MRT rides are free anyway. Awesome.). Nature calls me more than technology does at the moment, unfortunately. Or fortunately. Depending on how you wanna think about it. (On a side thought, it seems as if my body is desperately trying to reap back the connection with nature it forwent in the last semester, haha. I'd like to be out of the house, seeing new things now, in spite of the hot sun and the risk of rain. I can already imagine myself outside of the house now, and I feel so welcomed by the thought.)

Right, the plan is set, then! I shall bring my iPad and my kindle to a place where I can sit down and read (and work on my lectures, if necessary haha).

See you!
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recent entries

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