some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

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Monday, October 30, 2017 @ 10:00 PM
『生きて』、私に言っていた
我累了。该做的我都做了。其余剩下的就只有等着。

一天又一天就这么的过去了。

我们之所以战斗是为了什么?即使没有战斗的理由,为什么还是会战斗下去呢?

人类究竟是为了什么而选择生存呢。如果一切将被夺走,有什么会让你依依不舍?

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Tuesday, October 24, 2017 @ 8:03 PM
What to do if I'm just don't care? If I'm just a child inside? If I'm still a child inside, despite what I ought to already know and already have inside of my treasure trove of supposed wisdom and experiences?
What to do if I don't give a fuck?
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Monday, October 16, 2017 @ 8:28 PM
Just putting this here.
哦第一次你  牵起我的右手
我呼吸难过  心不停的颤抖
哦第一次我  躺在你的胸口
听着你的心  慢慢地跳动
那时一起许下的承诺  一起并肩往前走

哦第一次吻  你嫩嫩的唇口
情不自禁   融化你拥抱中
哦第一次我  望着你的面孔
想要说爱你  却不敢说出口
那是第一次知道天长地久


从内心写出的歌词  描述着我们的故事
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@ 5:16 PM
Happier Thoughts
Hello! Am in one of the SPMS computer labs right now printing my lecture notes, and I am here blogging because I thought that the keyboard was really nice to type with! Ahhaahahha.

We just finished our group meeting with Marilyn (the CY0006 project) and also the meeting after Marilyn left. Am happy to say that our idea is getting more and more refined day by day! It's really great then, that we met Marilyn today because talking with her helped to tease out more ideas from us.

I feel like we are really starting to take ownership of the project, ahahhaa. And after having gone to that BayCurrent Consulting recruiment talk I've started to think more openly as well about my options. (okay that was very random LOL but the recruitment talk gave me the same sort of ownership and security about my future...?) Oh okay that reminds me, I have to reply Ringo for the JCCI interview dates. And I will also start preparing for the interview tonight, too.

Great. Now that my priorities are getting more defined, it is easier for me to decide what are the things I really want to focus my energy on, versus the things which I can throw aside very readily (e.g school work).

I want to test my strengths in the market, and making a resume is something which I have to do. So I should do that this week, using the internship application to BayCurrent Consulting as an excuse.

That is the way I tend to do things, I guess, always using some sort of external circumstance as an excuse to start on the things I've been wanting to do but which I didn't really have any reason to do ahahha.

All right, tonight, I will continue working on my interview questions. And maybe start thinking a little about the cover letter (although I don't really feel that much for the company, and won't spend too much time on it.)

Okay!

This is good. Segmenting the tasks I choose to do into different levels of priorities, focus, and energy.

There is no point spending 100% energy on everything; it is not humanly possible to do that as well.

So you've got to let go of some things. And for other things, you could spend 120%, as long as the opportunity cost is not too huge.

All right, then! Time to go to SCELSE to meet someone :D
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Thursday, October 12, 2017 @ 9:43 PM
speaking to the soul
Loneliness.

I wonder if that was what I have been feeling recently?

No late-night suppers, no spur-of-the-moment gatherings, fewer meet-ups with friends... It's almost as if an entire area of my life has gone.

It is different. Maybe these 'reckless' moments were what gave rise to my motivation to continue studying the next day.

I don't really know.

I think I can continue pushing off my work. After all, it is not as if they are due the next day.

I am probably just putting undue stress on myself. Why strive to complete everything so quickly?

Procrastinating might be a better way to function.

人到底还是被动的,不是吗。之所以才被称为 “动物”。

A key characteristic of a living thing is "responding to external stimulations".

There is no need to heap unnecessary stress on yourself when you are not even that much affected yet, and when you can get away with doing the minimum.

-

I like how the night sky rumbles with thunder and flashes with electricity in the distance. Such a huge and inescapable phenomenon, bearing its weight down upon us, and yet still calming. It reminds us that there is something larger out there. 

I realise that I generally like rain. Especially in the early morning or at night. Storms are beautiful; I always feel calm when I see them occur (when I am indoors, at home, of course).
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@ 4:57 PM
giving up and letting go
I think what has been plaguing me is the amount of mental load which I have been carrying.

Mental load.

That's an interesting concept, but it explains why I feel so overwhelmed and tired even though I do not exactly do many things physically.

Mental load...

Completing my Biology and Society essay is one thing, completing it while having thoughts about what I have to do next is another.

There is a mental checklist in my head which was steadily growing.

- Complete BS0001 Essay
- Complete CY0006 Individual Case Study
- Think about how to prepare for JCCI Interview
- Research about CRISPR, understand it
- Plan out your CY2002 experiment
- Stay on the lookout for recruitment talks and networking opportunities
- Read the Japanese books you took photos of
- Read your English books
- Start to prepare for finals by going through your materials
- Upload the rest of your Europe 2016 photos
- Book trains to Amsterdam, find accommodation, find taobao 3G data card
- Write stories, RP

There are way too many things on my mind at the moment. The list only continues to grow.

No wonder I feel so exhausted. I have to bear the weight of all these things even as I go on to complete them.

It was easier being a secondary school student because you don't have to hold so many thoughts and considerations in your mind simultaneously, all the time. You just look at the next deadline, which is the next time you have to submit your homework or the next test you are going to get, and then you are done. After that, you are free to do whatever you want, whatever you choose.

But things are different now. Even if I somehow manage to complete one thing, there will always still be other things there, loitering in the back of my mind, asking me to complete them. Even if I choose to rest, what comes to the top of my mind will be "relaxing" activities such as watching anime, reading my book, or exercising, and even all these are done with a purpose, with a plan in mind.

My heart is no longer a part of the process.  いつでも、everything is decided by my brain.

And my brain is exhausted.

It is so tired. From having to plan all steps ahead, for choosing what to do based on the situation, for deciding on what to do if the situation arises before it can choose what to do based on the situation. There is no actual time in which it has let go - of thoughts, plans, everything.

But as much as I hate to admit it, this is something which we have to live with now that we become more aware of the world. I will always be thinking about whether I have enough money to survive, because now I have to be responsible for my own survival. It's tiring to have to be on that alert state all the time. It gives you prolonged stress. Even from the biological point of view, stress is something which will activate your fight or flight system and your adrenal glands, to give you enough energy and whatever else you need to overcome that particular situation. But when the situation drags on for far too long, for weeks, months, years - that's when it becomes seriously unhealthy. A different kind of hormone and compound is being secreted now, a different stress system activated. And this system does shit to both your body and your mind.

It's terrible, really.

I suppose this is why I always find myself wanting to just lie down on my bed to not do anything recently - but even then, that is only a momentary escape. Once I get off my bed, I am still back into that reality again, that cycle, that stress.

Unless I manage to find a way to let go of them all. Or are we doomed to carry this for the rest of our lives? How will our bodies be affected? How will our minds be affected?

I want to not think about anything.
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