some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

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more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Saturday, September 30, 2017 @ 12:49 PM
This is what I'm like.
A certain set of characteristics and traits which form the basis of me and which dictate whether I can survive in the world when the environment changes. Natural selection.

I wonder if I blog here if people would be able to see it. Ahhhh, yes, they can see it. Ah well. I hope that nobody will be looking at me typing then ahahaha. But if I restrict the broadcast to only one TV then the music wouldn't be played in the room. Ah well.

I think what is essential for me would be to find out at what level I peak, and how long I need to take to compensate for my exertions. Have I really allowed myself to rest, so that I can go back to work being motivated? For now, obviously I haven't, because it seems pretty often that I am over-stretching myself, and falling into a lethargic mood without being able to complete anything, including the things I used to find enjoyable. 

I also have to redefine what 'rest' is to me. Is rest a deliberate hour taken to recuperate, with the intention of going back to work after that hour? What I've learnt is that sometimes, it is not possible for you to define exactly how much rest you need. And if you've rested enough, your body will tell it to you naturally. It's the same with sleep. If you've slept enough, your body will wake up naturally and show you signs that you've slept enough. If not, you should just continue to sleep. 

Somehow, watching the words form on the projection screen is very satisfying. It's almost like typing on a typewriter, except that we have a backspace here which we can use ahahaha. 

Also, BTS' DNA almost sounds like English song. The way it starts, the instruments used. I suppose this is what contributes to their success on the global stage. 

How much do I need to rest? What constitutes rest? In order to get to my fullest potential, these are questions which I have to answer. Sometimes maybe even sleep is enough. Or just lying on my bed not doing anything. Or just doing anything I feel like doing, not which I had previously set aside in my brain that I could do if I had more time to myself. Ah well. 

It's pretty nice to type this in the darkened classroom as well, except that people might be more able to see this. But then again it's not like there are a lot of people walking around this place even though I'm on the ground level, because it is currently a Saturday. The first Saturday of our recess week, no less. 

I think I should probably uninstall FaceBook because it is taking up too much of my time and attention haha. Especially since I am in the Ikemen Series Group, with the girls posting so many notifications. Perhaps I should uninstall it on my phone and only set a certain period in which I can log in, preferably on my laptop. So that I will have set times for RPing as well. If not, it takes up too much of my subconscious.

Shit, the song "Intentions" describe me so well. 

I wanna be sober, but I love getting high
Wanna give it a hundred percent, but I'm too afraid to try
I wanna be faithful, but love hooking up with randos
I wanna live by the law, but still think like a vandal
I wanna get exercise, but I'm too lazy to workout
I want all the finer things, but don't wanna go to work now
I wanna go outside, take my family to the beach
I wake up in the morning, first thing I do is look at a screen, at a screen

Wanna live freely, why isn't it so easy?
I should read a book, but I keep watching this TV
And I know this lifestyle doesn't really feed me
I just tune out to the voice inside that's speaking

Shit, it speaks volumes to me. Does it describe the state of mind of most millennials? Ah well. 

This has been a pretty random blog post, with me just typing out whatever comes to my mind. But my mind feels surprisingly more rested after it. The only thing which still plagues me is which blog I should post it in haha. 

The carefree life which so defined the Hui Ting of her teenage years, which her peers admired in her - is it still around? Is it possible for me to make contact with that Hui Ting again? I hope it is possible. I think that Hui Ting is much more content with her state of life, because she simply throws away the baggage which she doesn't require. 

That is another way of living. And I don't think anyone can fault anyone else for wanting to live that way. 

Please don't hold me back. 

The more you try, the more I will struggle to break free. 

For the people who care, I suppose I wouldn't mind them looking at this post, but it's better if you don't speak to me about it haha.

-

I guess what I really crave at the moment is to be able to do something without thinking about what I could achieve by doing it, haha. Do things without considering their KPIs. KPIs take up too much of our lives now; is there really no inherent value in enjoying something without trying to put a price tag on their supposed 'values'?

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Tuesday, September 26, 2017 @ 9:42 PM
まあいい
What's the purpose of uni?

To discover yourself, or so they say. 

So what have I discovered of myself?

Well, for one, that I need sleep - loads of sleep. And somehow, sometimes, when I push myself too hard, I will suffer a very alarming burnout. And I wouldn't even see it coming. When I am pushing myself too hard, I wouldn't know that I am pushing myself too hard, until I am in the midst of the burnout. 

What do I do when I suffer a burnout, then... Well, I have discovered that changing perspectives help a lot. I need to go out and see the world - to put myself in a different situation - before I can go back to my normal self again. (I wouldn't call that self a happy self, but perhaps content would do just fine.) 

In the midst of such a burnout now. It's hard for me to do anything academic-related. It's also hard for me to do the things I am supposed to enjoy doing too, because there's just this tag on them - that I am doing them because they are supposed to make me happier, not because I intrinsically value the act of doing them. 

Weird, right. The mind functioning on so many levels. So what happens with this is that I just find myself completing the things that I have to do, which have an obvious, looming, deadline (like my Jap worksheets) and then for the rest - the things which I can escape from, or push back - I'd just push them back without abandon. It was the same feeling with the Immunology midterm last semester, when I just didn't give a fuck and did what I did, because I simply couldn't study and I knew that even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to do it. 

Now, all I feel like doing after I complete the things I have to do is lie on my bed and stone. Not do anything. Not think about anything. Really just stone. 

But I felt happier when I was with the juniors at the Student Leaders' Night just now. Was it because for that two hours, I could just take myself out of my current situation and go to another place? Enter another world? Why is my current world so scary, then :( 

I just feel unbelievably tired when I am here in my room, sitting in my bed. IT's like the entire surroundings suck the energy out of me, crazily, completely. Perhaps this is just a sign that I shouldn't stay indoors in this situation then :) 

What surprised me the most was that even listening to music couldn't cheer me up T-T Not even those super bass- and beat-heavy music like club songs, haha... Whereas in the past, when I felt unbelievably tired, all I had to do was to listen to those songs to get my energy up (if not spirits up) and I would be able to go through the day, if not numbly and listlessly. 

Sigh. This is a new development, I guess. But I think we should be able to find other ways to get through it. Taking myself out of my usual world and situation should be fine, I guess. One of the possible methods. Hehe. But yeah. 

See you around, then. -sigh-

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