& not-so deep secrets
huiting says hi
Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:
This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.
Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.
Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)
人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.
more of me
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Wednesday, April 26, 2017 @ 2:28 PM
Shopaholic urgesHI we just ended our Immunology paper! And I am back in hall now. LOL went into a shopping frenzy somewhat at Minitoons just now HAHA. Bought a new keyboard cover and a tote bag x_x Well to be fair I was thinking about buying them for a while already... But it's not like I actually need them, just my materialistic side showing itself and being unrestrained because of the after-exam high x_x
But I must admit I enjoyed that paper just now pretty much :) Well for one, for the first time in a while I actually felt like I knew what I was doing HAHA. And I actually knew what the gaps in my knowledge were. So it wasn't that bad. I'm glad I decided to put more effort into this ^^ Both before and during the actual examination :) It reminded me of how I used to feel when I took examinations HAHA. But we all need to be at least a certain level of preparedness in order to be able to do this :( Although it was quite fun to imagine what other students will answer and what the lecturer will say in response to our answers... Oh well.
Hopefully BS2008 will be like this too! Although I feel like it probably wouldn't make me think as much as BS2007 made me think. I feel like through this last four days before the BS2007 paper, I actually really learnt quite a bit about our immune system which is great haha. This knowledge which I didn't have before! And which will be useful in my future life too (especially when I fall sick or something). It's unexpected that immuno finally became enjoyable after one whole semester of me lamenting about it HAHA. Damn. I guess it's the way you look at things that define how they seem to be :/
Alright I think I've tested this keyboard enough HAHA after typing so much on it. I feel like I need a nap now before I go on to watch the BS2008 final lecture and exercise O:
Alright, see you! :)
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Saturday, April 22, 2017 @ 3:12 PM
May I dedicate this song to you?
This song speaks of the moment - that wondrous moment - I realised you were, in all seriousness, willing to accept me for all that I am.
Do you know the sense of wonder one feels in a moment like this? That shining hope, peace, love, and joy. That sense of not knowing what exactly the future may bring, but knowing which path I will take if ever there comes a day in which my current path diverges; that sense of security in a messy, chaotic world.
I saw it in your eyes - that precise moment I saw you looking at me, with all the care and concern spoken from your eyes -
The kind of eyes I'd always admired in others when I saw them looking at something precious.
I felt it in the way you held me and my hands
Some barrier was overcome on that day... On those two days. There is a sense of wonder in how things have progressed... And how we don't know some barriers exist until we get past them.
But yes, this is a song for you, to understand those feelings present within that moment;
And if I were to create something like this, I would probably name it something along the lines of Cherish.
Friday, April 21, 2017 @ 3:11 PM
Life is a route of endless suffering and all we can do is choose the people we want to suffer together with and the kind of suffering that we want to go through.
Hello blogger. I guess before I start on immunology I just want to spend some time reflecting about the semester first. Or about the things that are on my mind a little.
We just finished our BS2004 examination this morning. I feel less drive to be able to answer questions during examinations now. There was one question whose answer I really cannot think of. And I'm not sure if it is because I believed that I won't be able to answer it or because I really did not have the capability to answer it. In the past, if I were to sit for an exam like this... I would be filled with adrenaline and somehow find a way to force myself to think and to come up with an answer that I can accept. Probably because it felt like those exams were my everything; if I were to screw them up, I would never have the chance to 'do it right' again. But now I don't even care if I don't manage to complete the paper to the best of my abilities. It doesn't matter that much to me any more, haha.
It's like I have stopped deciding to give my best for this one thing. What is worth me giving my best for, then? Last semester, I thought I found it in ethics and Japanese and Korean. I strove my hardest for the first ethics essay. I also strove my hardest in every Jap and Korean class. But somewhere near the end of the semester, I started to give up. I couldn't see the reason to continue striving so hard any more. And the answer has eluded me since.
I feel like I am not giving my best for the things that I do. Is this me settling down to a normal life? Learning to live with normal expectations and not setting goals so high for myself? Is this me allowing myself to accept a more average quality of work? Is this because the people around me are very chill as well and I am affected by them to a certain degree? Or is it because I have already found some things which are more important to me than the things I am currently preoccupied with at the moment and I just don't really care so much about these things any more?
On another note. Yesterday... I feel like some things have changed since two weeks ago. Yesterday was Wednesday. And... I think it was on Tuesday that I started to feel a little different. Finding back the reason why I started noticing those acts of kindness in the first place.
Not really remembering why I wanted to talk about this in the first place. Okay I guess my main point is to say that I can feel like some things have changed. But I don't want to write them down yet haha (my heart and soul cringes away at writing it down) - and this probably means that there is still some measure of uncertainty within my heart and soul. So I can't write those slivers of thoughts down, for fear that doing so will ruin them. Haha well. Yeah. I could feel like some things have changed yesterday.
But once again, there is no reason to rush, haha. We really do have time. And that is the beauty of the moment, I guess, that we have time.
Although I would like to thank you for taking the risk and showing me that we do not have to be completely sure of everything before starting them; sometimes it is worth it to take a gamble and to try.
And the language in this blog post is atrocious :( I shall attribute this to my lack of reading over the past few months. This is probably the reason why my brain feels a little constrained, as if it lacks much perspective. I will have to force myself to start reading again >:( back to top?
Sunday, April 16, 2017 @ 1:18 PM
今、欲しいものは何ですか？Hi, all :D Preparing for my Japanese composition writing now and I am pretty happy! Haha. Pretty excited to learn Jap in the summer! Because I realised that our みんなの日本語 教科書 is actually a pretty good resource! Along with Sabrina's recommendation of that Jap blog/videos thingy I think it will actually be possible for me to learn Japanese in the summer hehe ^^ The textbook has practices and answers to those practices at the back! I didn't know that the answers existed till last week HEH. So I am pretty happy now :> Because the number of practices are great! If I were to be able to find the CD for listening practice it would be even better hehe :)) And then I might really finally be able to get somewhere with Japanese! Plus I still feel the urge to learn and the interest in it now :)
Yep that's all about my love for Japanese LOL. Anywayyyy finals are coming and ending soon! I still don't really get why I was so worn out this sem; it's getting more obvious that I was under a pretty huge load of pressure because after completing my presentation slides yesterday I felt a huge weight dropping from my shoulders - like I am finally happier and freer again. Why ah? What was making me think so much and feel so trapped? Was it because I read less? That I was so caught up in the events of my own life that I didn't have a different perspective on the heavy burdens I had? Or that I was simply, really too overwhelmed by the amount of expectations I heaved onto myself?
I guess at this stage, I won't really be able to find out yet. Does that mean that I have already reached my limit this semester regarding the amount of commitments I can take up? Looks like I can't really have too many things on my mind at any point of time, because that is when I feel the most shitty and stressed out because even as this invisible list of to-do things exist in my mind, I can't accomplish the things on that list all at once anyway. So I feel trapped. And at the same time there is this nagging and terrible thought that there are some things which I have forgotten to place on that to-do list, or that I will forget what is on that to-do list and then thus not reach the things I expected myself to reach, and so I was feeling pretty stressed out. Wanting to keep those things at the back of my mind even as I go through my daily life. And so there was this huge burden on me.
Man. What were the things on my mind? Let me try to recall now...
21st birthday (took up quite a bit of time before Feb 18), SCELSE, jam band practices for Stella and NAF, SP events like There Dare, JUMP CNYang and CNYSP Records (this took up my time in the first 1/3 of the sem before we just gave up LOL), school work like WnR essays, BS2008 stem cell essay, blah blah... And of course the mandatory every-week (well, almost) Japanese vocab quizzes, and the actual Jap and Korean lessons. OH, Rusty&CO practices in the month before DnD when we had like two practices every week at least, taking up my nights from 10pm-1am. And yeah, teaching tuition on Sunday mornings meaning that my Sunday mornings are gone. And my Saturdays are usually gone too because of CNYSP events like Director's Tea, PSP Sports Day, NTU Open House, CN Yang Exhibition, my birthday chalet, Pratham's birthday chalet, FKKKK. Biobiz. Shit now that I look at my calendar it is true that almost every Saturday I had something on. No wonder I didn't have time to recharge at all. No wonder I got so worn out. T-T
And then of course there's the nights with outcasts where we talk... And with other friends too. Fuck I don't even want to think about all the things I had on my mind already LOL cuz even thinking about this is starting to give me a headache now, haha.
Can I safely say that I pushed myself to my maximum capacity this semester? I think I can... And I don't think I will have to blame myself any more for not having tried. Because I think this semester, I really tried :( I think I really, really did... And I don't actually like it that much too haha. Oh damn. Although it was packed. I don't think I want to let myself go through this again. Because this is not the best way for me to function, simple because it is not sustainable at all T-T humans can only have so many things on their hands and minds at once... I don't have the drive and enough reason to convince myself to keep this up, so ah well. A simpler life is good. I am unwilling to sacrifice so much to reach such a perfectionistic, overachiever stage haha T-T And I guess it is okay, because this is the way I have chosen to live my life; nobody can come up to me and fault me for it. Nobody can actually do that. Simply because it is not their life at stake.
So yeah. I guess I have come to terms with this now -TE-. Ah well. It might be time for me to go back to Japanese! See you :) back to top?
Thursday, April 6, 2017 @ 2:55 PM
For Jie Hui
roaming through the night
Guided by each other -
by our various beacons of light
A friend, a companion
Through the different times
We walk our own paths -
But at crossroads we adjoin
A letter here
A small gift there
There's always time
and some kind words to spare
For you, my friend
whom from the depths of my soul I care
Let me wish you all
and the very, utmost, best
:)back to top?
Wednesday, April 5, 2017 @ 10:46 AM
The Golden Sphere
Keep a glowing ball of myself nestled in
the depths of my soul
the very centre of me
I cradle the thin, hollow sphere
in the place where no one sees
I hide it within
I protect it
from the dangers of the outside world
My flesh may be torn, ripped
But still the ball remains free
From scratches, from tears
From whatever harsh reality presents;
I must protect it
I must keep it free.
Sometimes, I forget
Too caught up in the flood of life
I will forget to cradle my sphere
But I don't want to let loose
I don't want to lose
Against the marching mob of people
I have to go
I don't want to go
But thank you, sphere
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