some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

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more of me

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Tuesday, November 29, 2016 @ 9:31 AM
On another note; Music
New guzheng cover :D Felt quite a bit of motivation and inspiration these few days haha, and I was rather in touch with my musical side too. I must say that going for the guitar lessons do help me to develop myself better as a musician overall too. Before these lessons, it must have been harder for me to come up with the chords, and the particular arrangement that I managed to come up with.

Guzheng is still the instrument that I am the most familiar and comfortable with, in the end. But of course, why wouldn't it be? Haha. I spent ten years of my life playing it at least twice a week or so, due to my CCA. It makes sense for me to feel more comfortable with it than I do with my guitar, or piano, or ukulele, or whatever it is haha, those instruments which I only know the basics of.

One important thing that my guitar lessons have taught me, musically, is that chords are just... Things for you to play with. There is no fixed set of chords for a particular song; it all depends on the kind of feel you are going for. This is contrary to my old belief that every song only has one set of chords that one can play, haha. Of course, there are still some guidelines in place - it would be very wrong to place chord I or V in places where they aren't supposed to be, because they indicate some form of closure - but besides that, there exists quite a few degrees of flexibility when we want to play chords :) This understanding has allowed me to come up with a guzheng arrangement which I wouldn't have been able to come up with in the past! And we can see how I am growing - albeit slowly - in terms of my musical capabilities over the years, as time passes :) And I'm glad for that, eh. Haha.

Alright. Here's the YouTube video of my cover! (first time using iMovie to try to put some pictures and all into the video HAHA I must admit that iMovie is really useful). Here's to developing myself further :)



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Thursday, November 24, 2016 @ 1:00 PM
Chill
So my final exam for this semester has ended, and Y2S1 is officially over.

It's been a rather hectic 16 weeks, I must say. Four months... And every week was exciting; every week was filled with special events and incidents. I tried to live my life to the best in these 16 weeks, I guess.

But now I feel so weary and tired. I just feel like collapsing on my bed and sleeping. Or just sitting motionless, staring into space, not thinking about anything. I don't even have the energy to go out and play, haha...

Nanyang's 100th Anniversary's movie auditions later. Don't even know what I am going there for; just going to go there and see what they are doing. I wouldn't say that the role is absolutely important to me or what. Just go there, and then let them decide if I am the correct candidate for it. Perhaps the amount of time I can commit will be too short, or I don't fit the look that they are trying to achieve, or anything. But ah well. しかたない。They will just choose the person who is the best candidate for the position, based on all these different factors of consideration. And my life will go on.

For now I don't even have the energy to rejoice, or play, haha. I just feel like I can finally relax my breath; relax the breath that I've been holding for these past 16 weeks, even without consciously knowing it. But there is still another portion of that breath which I cannot release yet - and this has to do with my future, the other things I want to achieve in the next few months of my life, such as my Semester 2 modules. But well. This is life, isn't it. There will always be a never-ending list of things to do. And you are the one who ultimately decides which to heed, and which to ignore.

For now... I would just like to sit here without doing anything. Not even to start planning for my Europe trip. It's a break that I need. A short space. Of not doing anything. いま、なにもしたくない。でも、これはいいですよ。Heh.

See you.
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Sunday, November 20, 2016 @ 12:00 PM
Been a while since I last felt so content and at peace with life, heh. 
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Saturday, November 12, 2016 @ 3:44 PM
Ramblings
Pardon my English;

And here I am, wondering why I always feel so at peace after every guitar lesson even though I may be dreading it before going (because I almost always never prepare for it LOL). But nevertheless, I'll always learn something new every lesson.

There is something really important which my guitar lessons taught me, haha. That is, the ability to accept criticism without feeling like the criticisers are personally attacking me. It's cuz my guitar teacher is unbelievably straightforward sometimes LOL. Just stating bluntly that what I just showed him was “不够”, or not impactful enough (sometimes he even says that it is not impactful at all). And at the start I'd be seriously offended by it. But as time goes by... I start to get used to it. I start to look past my pride and see what my teacher is trying to say, haha, and then accept his words, and improve on the areas he talked about.

It's quite wonderful, actually, because before this, I've never really dealt with this weakness of mine before. I always knew that it was a weakness - my pride, that is. But there've never really been a situation in which I was constantly attacked by others. Either that, or I just don't care, because whatever they are attacking me in doesn't bother me anyway (cuz I see it as an unresolvable difference in opinion LOL) but now this is different, haha, because I know that I am really weak.

Wew. And I was just thinking how it's great that I am merely focusing on learning certain things in guitar, without worrying about whether or not I will be tested on them (and I guess this is a major part of why I feel so at peace after the lessons). The brightness in my eyes is merely due to the new things that I am learning, for the sake of learning itself, and to become better. There is no ultimate goal. And I enjoy it so much ^^

Man. That feeling. Is something I cherish, haha. It comes by rarely. So rarely that I forget what it feels like, at times, when it is evidently there inside of me - that innate curiosity about the world, and that pure, unadulterated joy in the pursuit of knowledge for the sake of itself. Woohoos.

And my teacher commented something which struck me just now, haha. He reminded me that I do have a love for learning new languages because I want to be able to experience new cultures. And this is something that belongs to me alone; not everyone feels this way. And I'm glad, neh, for these passions of mine ^^ Which exist untainted by a larger purpose, or goal.

Yay.

Alright, see you :)
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Tuesday, November 8, 2016 @ 12:17 AM
People will forget what you've done, but they will not forget what you made them feel.

^ I think that's true.
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Monday, November 7, 2016 @ 12:49 PM
Pain
The pain of existence?

Gosh, my current lack of motivation in life is seriously appalling. I am really not sure what led to this x_x I feel like I am being suspended in an imaginary world of my own, where magic and naruto and hallucinations and alchemy exists, while the rest of the world continues moving on without me. I cannot find the motivation to continue moving on, especially when I have already proved to myself the things that I want to prove.

I should have known from the start that grades were never what matters to me. 점수... グレーツ、か?I've been fighting so hard from the start that I don't really know what I am fighting for any more. If what I was fighting for was to prove to the world, or the people around me, that I can achieve excellence not only in the field of Science, but also ethics... Have I not already done that via my first essay? Although you can also say that it was due to luck that I felt certain strong beliefs and motivations about a particular question, and hence could write out such a more or less coherent, strong, piece of work...

What is the point of doing all this? Am I not just going back to the pre-A Levels me once again? What is the point of proving all this, to other people, or to myself? I don't want to prove that I can achieve all this. I'm feeling that drag I felt, in those months before A Levels. That lack of motivation. That incomprehension. As to why I should continue striving for those grades. The somewhat reckless urge, to just give up on everything, and then show the world how it doesn't matter, it's okay, even without these grades, I am still able to live on wonderfully well, and excel in other ways too. But that time, I could still hold on, by lying to myself and convincing myself that those few months would just be the last few months in which I have to continue studying, because it's the last time I ever get the chance to strive so hard for this sort of examinations. It is obvious, now, that I cannot continue using the same argument on myself. Because I won't believe myself any more.

Did the past weeks of continuous striving somehow cause me to burn out? Not only in the areas of academics, but also the other parts of my life. Right not, what I most want to do is to take out my guzheng, and to play the Naruto hokage funeral theme on it, haha... And take as long as I want to get back to myself once again, without caring about what other deadlines there are, which are imposed upon me.

I don't want to live my life following the rules all the time. I don't want to conform. Especially in university. I want to be free. I want to go out and to see the world, and to explore. I don't want to commit to this path.

You can say that I am weak. Perhaps I don't have enough motivation to continue striving for a particular goal. Perhaps I don't even have such a well-defined goal in the first place... Or maybe it is simply the case that even if I have this goal, I am unable to push myself all the way to achieve it. Maybe I have really burnt out. In this past 1.5 months...

我真的很累。我找不到继续拼下去的毅力。看来这也不是一两天内能解决的问题。今どうする、私は。。。Korean test is later and I can't even find the strength to look through/revise one last bit before I go for the test. It's as if I want to see if I can just wing the test, with my current abilities.

I don't see the point any more. Of striving so hard for the grades. For now I believe that even with the grades, it doesn't mean that I am able to do those things well. It doesn't satisfy me anymore - not even with the thought of having straight As or A+s and all. For I believe that this is something that everyone can do, provided that they have the patience, and the time management skills. It doesn't even satisfy me haha, if I could do it. Because I did it once during A Levels and that is really enough.

What is it that I want to do, then? What is it that keeps me here, on this Earth? Ah sigh. It doesn't really help that ethics has forced me to think about my own purpose and reason for existence either. And after two days ago, I have started to become somewhat scared of hormones. It's really frightening, how they can have such a huge sway over you. With all this, can I still safely, or surely, say that my thoughts and emotions belong to me alone? Can I control them? It seems like that is not really the case. What I am seems to be a product of the environment. All these thoughts that I am having in my head now... Aren't they just a product of the experiences that I have been through?

Sigh. I don't really want to think about that at the moment. Maybe I should just give myself over to some sleep. And hopefully that will make things better.

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Thursday, November 3, 2016 @ 4:51 PM
Dear Motivation,
Where are you?
Well. I do concede that sometimes we don't need motivation to continue doing the things that we are doing. We just do them.

But this isn't healthy in the long run, isn't it.

Where is my drive? My desire to do things?

I think I can't walk in solitude for too long.
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