some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Saturday, October 29, 2016 @ 4:33 PM
Sometimes I find that being in touch with someone else's inner struggles and pains is such a moving thing.
Had a really strong urge to blog just now while I was walking back home after my guitar lesson, but this urge is somewhat gone now. Probably because I suddenly got reminded of the amount of things I have to do -sigh-. But no matter. It doesn't help to panic about them and start getting my brain messed up. We'll take it slowly, and one step at a time, haha. (even though from now on I'll probably have to push my sleeping times till later, but yet still somehow manage to function in the portion of the day during which I am awake).

I was listening to a couple of sad songs and suddenly felt really strongly for the sufferings of myself, and other people. Alright, it might be somewhat arrogant for me to refer to the things that I am putting myself through as "sufferings", but please pardon me, and understand that when I say "my sufferings", I don't mean that I am going through some hellish period or whatnot, comparable to the actual sufferings of the people who don't even have a roof over their homes, und so weiter. When I say suffering in relation to myself, I am merely speaking about the less-positive things that I have put myself through, or which I am going through, in relation to my other, "normal" experiences. Alright I hope that that has managed to clear some things up before we begin my reflection process proper. LOL. So formal. One would think that I am writing an ethics essay or something. -whatsapp sighing emoticon- But well, I don't deny that ethics has been on my mind these few days.

Moving on.

Indeed. Someone on the outside of my mind (probably the younger version of myself) may look at me and sigh, "哎 Hui Ting, why do you put yourself through all these? Why are you heaving so many things upon yourself when you know that you will be somewhat happier, or more relaxed without these things? I mean, you know it. You've attempted to busy yourself and pack your schedule to its brim before, and you know that that level of busyness doesn't do you well. For once, most of the time, you'd be cranky from the lack of sleep. And you'd be perpetually tired - even with the help of caffeine, and the most concentrated kopi-o. And your brain wouldn't work that well too. So why, dear? Why do you work so hard? Why do you heave so many expectations upon yourself?"

Ah well. Good question, my dear younger/other self. The thing is... Well, even in light of all this, I understand. I know that I will be feeling cranky and tired from the lack of sleep. I know that there is a chance that I may be overwhelmed. But I am not overwhelmed yet. And so I continue. I hold on, and continue walking down this path, juggling all the things that I have committed myself to, and letting go of some other things. Even as the number of things that I have committed myself to is greater than that in the past. But this doesn't mean that I am on route to self-destruction. It just means that somehow, along the way of me getting to where I am, I discovered that there are all these things which are important to me, and so there is a reason for me to work for them. And this is a feeling that I have not experienced in such a long time.

Call me 沉迷 or whatever you like, but for now, these are the things that are important to me. Even if my heart will be battered and torn apart, and my body will slowly wither from the extra stress that I am piling on it, I don't mind. At this time and moment now, I don't.

Sometimes I find that maybe having a motivation to do things, having hope, is a very defining characteristic of human beings. We who always seek a purpose in our existence - even though it might be clear in hindsight that there is none - are somewhat defined and trapped by this. Thus sometimes some of us may get lost in the endless cycle of trying to achieve some goal or purpose, and neglect the things that we have in the present.

It's a difficult balance.

But even as I know all this... Even as I may be a general nihilist, hope still remains within me, haha. That I will be able to achieve the things that I want. While being able to keep my sanity, and at the same time revel in the present. And I also still hold that all these acts of struggling are fundamentally beautiful to their very core.

Alright, I understand that there may be a bit of break in my line of thought up there ^. But hahaha it's okay. This is just a space for me to pour out my reflections. No need to be completely coherent, like some ethics essay. :P

Aish. I have nothing else coherent to say now, though some thoughts are forming hazily in my mind haha. Till next time then, I guess.

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Thursday, October 20, 2016 @ 3:36 PM
Concern

But who am I
to doubt your problems
And what right do I have
To claim that your problems are not really problems?

They are problems to you
And that, alone
Should suffice -

and That, alone
should be enough for me
to put myself into your shoes

And to care for you
without feeling like
I am above you.

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Saturday, October 15, 2016 @ 3:58 PM
Not like I didn't know this already, but still.
So, one takeaway from the whole of this is that

Music helps. Music always helps. 

:)

-----------

Update (@ midnight): Was just looking through the recent photos and videos in my photo library. And I discovered that video of Jaceymon taken two weeks ago - my snap of us putting a rubber band around his snout, and him trying to get it off with that classic 委屈 look on his face whenever we did stupid things to him.

And then it occurred to me that, yes, another takeaway from these few days is that. Things can change so quickly, indeed. In a matter of a few weeks, or even days. You can never predict what's going to happen.

Every moment is so precious while you are in it, but photos and videos provide you with a sliver of something to hold on to as well, when the moments end.

Ah well.

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Friday, October 14, 2016 @ 9:48 PM
あの人は 私の 大切な友達だ。
现在长大了,明白的道理也多了。不会再为那种小事而计较了。

Friends come and go. Some friends come into your life and affect you in the deepest ways. Some happen to be there at the correct time. Some have the same thoughts as you about certain matters. Some are there to walk a difficult path with you. Some are there for you to rant together with, or to conduct late-night spur-of-the-moment trips to McDonald's together with. Or to be reckless together with, while you are still young - like going on a staycation in a hotel, or going to Indonesia to climb a mountain.

But. I realise that all this is enough. I don't need anything else. I don't even need any one of them to become my future spouse, or to be my lifelong friend, or to continue supporting me whenever I need them to. I don't need any one of them to become my soulmate, or to designate me as an important person - or one of the few important persons - in their lives. I don't need all that. I realise that what is important to me, now, is that they are here with me now. Walking this path with me. And that is the most precious thing that I can be thankful for, at the moment (it's not even something that I could ask for, because I am well aware that the occurrence of these things is way out of my control). I am just glad that things came to be this way, and all I can do (the best thing that I could do, as well) would be to appreciate them while they are here, with all my heart. Without expecting anything at all out of them. Even if in the future, we would end up going our separate ways; it doesn't matter, because all that is important is that in this moment right hereright now, you guys have made, and are making, a deep imprint in my life and heart - and I am supremely thankful for it.

“おまえは つよい”
ありがとう ございました。
あなたが私の大切な友達。
忘れてない。
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Wednesday, October 12, 2016 @ 11:29 PM
Counting blessings
Feeling really thankful tonight.

For the things that are going on in my life, and also for the presence of my friends.

Suennie and Alvin, with whom I ate McDonald's with just now on a whim.

It was the second time the three of us gathered together. And although I must admit that sometimes, while it is a little hard for me to empathise with them regarding the things that they mention about their families, it is still really nice for me to just sit there and listen to them talk. Because it is a very human thing, and a very intimate thing, to hear your friends talking about their families in front of you. It is a really intimate thing too, to listen to them speak of their troubles - no matter what troubles it is that they are facing at the moment. I feel privileged to be able to listen to them, haha. Not sure if it is because it's because I've been too much of a loner this past year, always facing things myself instead of opening up to people. But I guess that sometimes some of them feel the same too. I'm glad to have found this group of friends in uni, haha. It was an unexpected thing.

Sometimes you feel stressed, but then there will be friends and family members around you who care about you and who encourage you. And today I am feeling supremely thankful for this. Although I wouldn't say that I am stressed to the extent that I really need someone to rant to. But I know that even if I do, there will be someone who will be there who will be willing to listen to me, haha.  Without feeling like it'a a burden/not worth their time. And I am also glad that people are willing to open up to me.

Serendipity, indeed, that we have managed to get to this stage. Because like I mentioned, I never would have expected this to happen. That's why I feel glad now :') and content.

And my ethics essay too.... I am really happy about how it turned out. It probably helps to remind me also, that one of my strengths, writing, is still present. That I am not merely a science machine, and that I can still excel - or at least, attain a measure of excellence - when I put thought and effort into certain things. This is not to say that I will from now on believe that I have the power, or the talent (what a terribly self-indulgent word to use) to continue down the path of writing. In that regard, I will strictly keep my emotions and ego in check. I know that I cannot be so self-indulgent as to claim that I have 'talent' in any particular field. But this serves as a form of encouragement, nonetheless. I just have to be careful not to overstate the value of this encouragement.

Indeed. I think it is time for bed for me. I will have to rest well tonight, before I can get up tomorrow and face another day of productivity.

Good luck, Hui Ting!

Well done, and remember to count your blessings and be thankful for whatever that you have achieved. Because most of the time, what you have achieved is due to luck too. You have been an extraordinarily lucky person so far, permit me to say this.

Now good night!
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Sunday, October 9, 2016 @ 11:19 AM
A Book Review;
When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. 

Such a powerful, poignant, and profound book, whose weight extends far beyond all two hundred and twenty-five pages of it.

I'm not certain why it brought out such a strong response within me. It might be due to the fact that it is real, a non-fiction account of someone's life. And this translates to something which could possibly happen to me too. In a way, this made it more poignant than Still Alice (a fictional account of a brilliant professor who was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease).

Here, is a book which talks about the finitude of human life. The rawness of the battle that we are all fighting, against time. The ability of humans to live in hope, and acceptance, even while nearing the end of a world that we understand. Death brings with it an intimacy that we all share, regardless of our occupations, desires, and past experiences. And this narration of death by Paul Kalanithi is exceptionally striking, especially so because of the nature of his work (he was a brilliant neurosurgeon and researcher) and of his thoughts and beliefs of death before being diagnosed with an incurable cancer. 

I’m not ashamed to admit that I spent a good twenty minutes sobbing uncontrollably at the end, taking breaks in between paragraphs to gasp convulsively while I traversed its last few pages. His message dedication to his newborn daughter on page 199 - the last words he managed to write before succumbing to his illness - was especially potent. Probably so because I was just talking to a close friend about the significance of progeny - and how we would always choose to ensure that our progeny lives on, even at the expense of ourselves and the other things that we consider to be important to us.

I am honoured to have been able to witness this journey. I believe that this book will continue to move people worldwide for years to come.

You have achieved your aim, Doctor. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. 

Rest in peace, Paul Kalanithi. 







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