some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Saturday, April 30, 2016 @ 12:20 PM
Mood.
How is it possible that I am in so much pain.

Is this starting to be a monthly routine now? Will there never be a pain-free month for me? Or is it because I have been doing too terrible things to my body like drinking cold stuff before my period comes?

Oh sigh. And here I was thinking that strengthening my abs will enable me to feel less pain during my period. Turns out it's wrong after all. :(

Don't really wanna look at my phone today. And I guess you could credit last night's bout of emo-ness before sleeping to PMS lol. Sigh. Every month ._. Like, can you just get over it already, it's starting to get on my nerves, seriously.

But I must admit that he did look quite good in those photos LOLL like really quite shuai. Oh sigh. Don't know if it is because I am biased or what but yeah. Anyway whatever lah let's just get back to the stage before haha when nothing ever happened and we never crossed each others' path yet and all I knew about him was his appearances in photos. Which is very good.

Seeyah!
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Tuesday, April 26, 2016 @ 3:39 PM
Break
Hello~~ I should allow myself to rest for today right? I mean, I've put in quite a bit of hard work over the past week >< Or the past two weeks, I should say. So I should really allow myself to take a break today, and then do the things I gotta do tomorrow. Yep.

I just bought a book :D "Me Before You" by Jojo Moyes! I remember seeing the trailer for the movie some time ago, and it looked really good. The book got glowing reviews too. So I guess it will be a book I can enjoy, haha. Many of the reviewers also said that the book is tear-inducing. Haha time for a good cry then xP I'm hoping that it will be something like The Time Traveler's Wife. Maybe not on the exact same level in terms of language and all (I've already started reading it and the language doesn't actually seem that impressive but at least it's not terrible too, like the Hunger Games), but perhaps the plot will be alike.

I love The Time Traveler's Wife. Up till now it's still my favourite book of all time :) Although stories like Harry Potter and Percy Jackson are memorable and wonderful too, but if you were to ask me to recommend a book I would recommend that book haha.

I'm wondering if I should take a nap now. Or later. Will be gymming with Zara at around 6pm! Shall take this time to see what I can do in the gym too LOL I'm too timid to go there and start lifting weights by myself plus I don't really know how do it HAHA. Oh well.

I started watching Stein's Gate two days ago! So far it seems quite intriguing. I mean, it makes me want to continue watching to figure out what exactly is going on :D So I guess I'll slowly watch it over the holidays.

Will be going to Far East Plaza to accompany Shu Ning as she gets her septum piercing tomorrow! I think that it will be a great activity too haha since I've always been interested in knowing how piercings to other parts of the body (besides the ears) are carried out. Then I can ask about the price of a navel piercing. There should also be tattoos available at the parlour, so I'll be able to check them out too :) All in all I'd say that it is quite exciting hehe. All the things that I've wanted to check out since many years ago! ^^

For the rest of the week I should be starting on BS1006, before going home to spend time with my family (oh man realised it's actually quite sad to spend the weekend in hall. But oh shit just remembered that my mum will be going to Genting this weekend. Sadz.), and also preparing for Ethan's and Andrea's tuition lessons. I should probably go look at the Secondary 2 Science syllabus haha. Although I believe that at Secondary 2 level, things are really still quite easy... Lol. Especially since I am taking uni mods on all three sciences :x and Math too. Haha well. Gives me an advantage, I guess. Primary school Science is more of... Common sense LOLLLL plus sometimes I really cannot remember the things they gotta know. But Secondary school should be fine. Since it's only been... 6 years? Okay that's not too short but it's not that long either. It's basically the basics of the things that I am learning now HAHA. So should be alright. Even Physics. I don't fear teaching Physics at Secondary level any more LOL now that I've taken two Physics mods in uni...

Yep this is just an update-like post because it feels quite therapeutic to type on the keyboard (without the keyboard cover) and listen to my music at the same time.

Haha listening to Beaming Sunlight now (FMAB OST) and I feel like watching FMAB again :x Partially because Stein's Gate requires me to use my brain to think about what is going on but I kinda already know what is going on in FMAB. Or maybe I should just go watch a few episodes of Pokemon.

Okay, I shall! See you :)
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Monday, April 25, 2016 @ 9:24 AM
It made my heart ache while I was reading it and so I am posting my feelings here
http://thoughtcatalog.com/carlo-pamintuan/2016/04/to-my-future-wife-this-is-what-i-want-you-to-know/?utm_content=buffer921f0&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer

I'm waiting for you too. For the you who will not shy away as I tell you the most fucked up parts of myself, the most fucked up things I've ever done. For the you who will accept me as the whole package, knowing that what I have done in the past does not dictate who I currently am, although it has played such a huge part in shaping who I am. 

I am waiting for your kindness. Your ability to accept, like me. 

See you around soon. 

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Sunday, April 24, 2016 @ 4:29 PM
Pushing on
My mind has grown weary from all the last-minute cramming of information... This is not how learning should be like :( But I guess what I've learnt this sem is not to underestimate the amount of time I need to spend on a module, especially when I am learning something new. :/ It is really important that we continuously learn and refine our knowledge of the things that we are learning as we are learning them. Instead of just taking a cursory look at them and merely knowing them instead of internalising them, and then pushing all the revision to the last week of school lol. Because the exams are so near each other, there is not enough time for you to prepare too... It's not like Sem 1 any more, when more than half the things you were learning, you've learnt before. So you cannot expect yourself to remember them all in such a short period of time too. This is extremely and unnecessarily taxing on your brain!

Okay, at least I know now. I will not do the same next semester, haha.

There is also a limit to how much you can force yourself to remember and know within a mere few days. There is a limit to how much you can handle too~ And it's not just cause you're cui. It's because your brain needs time to assimilate all these new information and then connect them to the places where they matter, and form links between the new things and the past things you've learnt before. Like right now you can feel yourself not being able to take any more already right? You are really pushing yourself to your limit here, haha. The good news is that this intense cramming will be over in two days... The bad news is that you might not be able to do well for your papers even with these intensive mental workouts. And your brain is not used to sitting through this kind of situations too. So spare a thought for yourself in the future please, dear~ It's like for whatever amount of time you sit down and try to remember things, you need the same amount of time to unwind and rest. You can't compromise on this, haha.. And you need sleep too. So oh well.

Don't be too hard on yourself if you don't get the results that you expected to get! Because you didn't know that you would reach this kind of obstacle and barrier. Well, now you know. Haha see yah :) Go rest now dear, you really really need a break! Like watch a movie or something. :) Rest your mind~
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@ 11:06 AM
穩穩的幸福 - 陳奕迅
我非常喜欢这首歌。
我说过了吧?陈奕迅的嗓子非常适合唱这种歌。This type of somewhat wistful songs, projecting the singer's reflection about whatever topics are on his mind at the moment. 他的声音中总会有那微微的颤抖,而这颤抖把歌曲中的感觉全都表示出来了。这是很少歌手拥有的天赋。

去听吧,听了你就会明白我在说什么 :')


有一天 我發現自憐資格都已沒有
只剩下不知疲倦的肩膀
擔負著簡單的滿足

有一天 開始從平淡日子感受快樂
看到了明明白白的遠方
我要的幸福

我要穩穩的幸福
能抵擋末日的殘酷
在不安的深夜
能有個歸宿

我要穩穩的幸福
能用雙手去碰觸
每次伸手入懷中
有你的溫度

我要穩穩的幸福
能抵擋失落的痛楚
一個人的路途
也不會孤獨

我要穩穩的幸福
能用生命做長度
無論我身在何處
都不會迷途

我要穩穩的幸福
這是我想要的幸福

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Thursday, April 21, 2016 @ 8:48 PM
Resolution
Essentially did not do much studying for the whole of today. Maybe because I've had enough of it yesterday. And also because I came back to the same conclusion I made at around the same time last semester again.

I will not study in order to prove myself. I have been doing so to prove myself for the past 12 years of my life. And now, I have decided that I do not want to do this any more, and that there is no reason to do this any more. Who am I proving this to anyway? It is not worth the effort that I put in. I could be putting in effort to improve the other parts of myself instead.

So, yes. Time to go read my book before catching some winks.

See you!

P.S. I don't like how studying for uni exams became like studying for A Levels or my block tests again over the past two weeks. Haven't we agreed that those times were over?
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Tuesday, April 19, 2016 @ 10:54 PM
"I am not the kind of woman who loves quietly."
Usually not a very huge fan of reposting Thought Catalog posts about love but I felt that this kinda resonated with me quite a bit. I was quite skeptical about reading it at first but after reading more I realised that this is actually the kind of behaviour that I'd exhibit - and which I have exhibited - if I truly care for somebody as a romantic partner - or lover, if you must. Although there is still some hyperbolic statements present here and there within the post, overall, it spoke my thoughts strongly enough that I would find value in reposting it/keeping a record of it. So here goes.

 ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~
http://thoughtcatalog.com/bianca-sparacino/2016/04/i-am-not-the-kind-of-woman-who-loves-quietly/?utm_content=bufferccb48&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer
I am not the kind of woman who loves quietly.

I am going to love you urgently. If my heartbeat quickens when I see you, if you are tangled in my thoughts when I fall asleep at night, I am going to tell you how I feel. I am going to tell you how you compel me, I am going to shout it from rooftops. I am not afraid of saying too much, I am not afraid of being vulnerable or sensitive. I am only afraid of missing out on someone who could inspire depth within me. I am only afraid of letting potential slip through my fingers like sand.

I am going to love you truthfully. You are going to see the light within me, and you are also going to experience my dark. I am going to hand myself to you like an open book, chapters of happiness and hurt equally at your fingertips just waiting to be understood. I am never going to hide from you, I am never going to disguise myself.

I am going to love you wholly, so please, come to me as you are. Come to me with your flaws, with your past. Come to me with your confusion and your cracks. Come to me with your scars, with the caverns of doubt you hold within yourself. Let me choose you for who you are, for your breaks, for what makes your heart ache.

I am going to love you madly, for I have simply never been able to tell the difference between love and hysteria. When I am enlivened by someone I am hungry for everything they are. I am going to thirst after your word, after your mind. I am going to watch you, and admire you; I am going to learn with you, I am going to grow with you. We will have our own world, you and I.

See, I am not the kind of woman who loves quietly. I am going to love you bravely, boldly. I am going to love you loudly, manically, beautifully. I am going to risk my heart for you, and I am not going to be afraid. I will never be afraid.

~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

Hyperbolic in the sense that I will still be afraid. At the start I will definitely be afraid. Because I'd be afraid that it would be somebody who is not worth my effort once again, and I'd be afraid of falling too quickly. But in the end I will still fall. It's me, actually; it's the way I function in love. It's the way I will always hope, and the hopeful side of me will always win out. At the start/the beginning of all things. Maybe this will change in the future, but for now, this is how I function.

This is still true to some extent, actually. It is not easy to separate my heart from my head. Especially since I still do see hope. But of course, I do not allow myself to act on these hopes. It's more of a passive kind of hope, where I'm just waiting. Waiting and seeing. Not doing anything. But it doesn't mean that I don't feel anything. I reign myself in more, even though I cannot completely control the things that I feel. 

From another point of view, you might be thinking that, damn, I must really like the guy. But I don't know. Like I've said, I don't really know the definition of attraction any more. All I know is that love is a conscious effort and process. If I am not doing anything at the moment but still feel attraction for this person... Maybe it's not the worthy kind of love yet. But how can you choose to love someone who does not feel anything for you? It is unrequited. It is, and yet, it is also the unique kind of emotion which inspires love songs and poetry. 

So I don't know. It is still too early to tell, after all. Best if you let these feelings go away on their own (and they are bound to do so in the long run, if this continues, or if the circumstances change in a way that allows you to stop hoping any longer), and focus on the other parts of your life at the moment. 

Yep, good night. 
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Saturday, April 16, 2016 @ 6:21 PM
#np - Secrets, One Republic
Sigh. Having a bit of headache at the moment. Not sure if it is due to the carry-on effect of sleeping at 5am on Wednesday night (or should I say Thursday morning?) lol. Or maybe cause I am getting a little sick of looking at the computer again. Wow I just took out my keyboard cover and it amazes me how dull my computer suddenly looks without that pink gradient lol. I am so not used to it haha. It feels like a stranger's laptop :P But that's not the point~

Anyway, gonna go out for dinner with my family later. That will be a welcome break from studying, I guess. Although I know that I ought to push on, I also know if that I do there is a high chance of me breaking down again (not to say that what I felt yesterday after BS1100 was 'breaking down', but you get what I mean.)

I realised that I really do need ample sleep to feel happy. Happy, and optimistic, and essentially, so much more ready to take on life as well as the many challenges we tend to encounter in life. Everything basically peaks when I have enough sleep - my confidence, my optimism, my curiosity, my intellectual capabilities as well as my ability to interact with others in an effective way. We need sleep, man. Or at least, I do. If not I get so very angsty and cranky and annoyed with the world. Not good.

In uni I keep discovering more and more about myself. Maybe it's because the circumstances in my past were not strong enough to warrant me accepting the instinctive responses I feel towards them as what I truly feel, and so it is easier for the voice in my head to brush my own feelings aside. Or maybe it's just me growing up hahahaha, becoming more able to appreciate all these feelings even though some of them may seem undesirable. Yeah. I am more able to accept and appreciate all the things that I feel, instead of wanting to control everything I feel and aim towards the most "desirable" emotional state, as dictated by society.

可能是长大了吧。真正的明白世间是没有完全对或错的事,可同时也明白虽然如此,每个人都应该对这些事情有自己的想法,并努力地往这个方向迈步。

I have begun to understand how many contrasting facts and beliefs can exist all at once, without the world being thrown into disarray. I am also becoming more able to hold these contrasting beliefs inside me, without myself being torn apart as well.

I guess you can call that the growth of an INFP soul; an INFP soul finally coming to terms with the differing opinions that she feels and finally taking a step out while at the same time retaining her openness.

It is quite an amazing feat, actually. It's not an insignificant/small step that I have made in my world. This matters. This matters so much, because it is one of the most important and fundamental steps which can allow me to achieve so much more with my life.

Kay, since I am having a headache now I might as well go out to the living room and be with my family/play guitar haha.
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Monday, April 11, 2016 @ 9:10 PM
From Pope Francis, on Love. :)
http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/04/08/473494133/some-relationship-advice-from-pope-francis
Make Time For One Another, Even If You're Busy
"Love needs time and space; everything else is secondary. Time is needed to talk things over, to embrace leisurely, to share plans, to listen to one other and gaze in each other's eyes, to appreciate one another and to build a stronger relationship. Sometimes the frenetic pace of our society and the pressures of the workplace create problems. At other times, the problem is the lack of quality time together, sharing the same room without one even noticing the other."

Sometimes, Just Listen
"Instead of offering an opinion or advice, we need to be sure that we have heard everything the other person has to say. ... Often the other spouse does not need a solution to his or her problems, but simply to be heard, to feel that someone has acknowledged their pain, their disappointment, their fear, their anger, their hopes and their dreams."
Accept Your Partner's Shortcomings
"It does not matter if they hold me back, if they unsettle my plans, or annoy me by the way they act or think, or if they are not everything I want them to be. Love always has an aspect of deep compassion that leads to accepting the other person as part of this world, even when he or she acts differently than I would like."

... And Be Generous With Their Imperfections
"We have to realize that all of us are a complex mixture of light and shadows. The other person is much more than the sum of the little things that annoy me. Love does not have to be perfect for us to value it. The other person loves me as best they can, with all their limits, but the fact that love is imperfect does not mean that it is untrue or unreal."
Never Go To Bed Angry: Hugs Can Help
"My advice is never to let the day end without making peace in the family," Francis writes, then quotes himself from 2015: "And how am I going to make peace? By getting down on my knees? No! Just by a small gesture, a little something, and harmony within your family will be restored. Just a little caress, no words are necessary."
Try To Find Your Partner Beautiful And Lovable ... Even When They Make It Hard
"Loving another person involves the joy of contemplating and appreciating their innate beauty and sacredness, which is greater than my needs. This enables me to seek their good even when they cannot belong to me, or when they are no longer physically appealing but intrusive and annoying."
Don't Hold Grudges
"[Irritableness or resentment is] a violent reaction within, a hidden irritation that sets us on edge where others are concerned, as if they were troublesome or threatening and thus to be avoided. To nurture such interior hostility helps no one. It only causes hurt and alienation."
Say Please, Thank You And Sorry
Francis quotes a speech he gave in 2013: "Three words need to be used. I want to repeat this! Three words: 'Please', 'Thank you', 'Sorry'. Three essential words!"

"Let us not be stingy about using these words, but keep repeating them, day after day."
Trust Is Key
"This goes beyond simply presuming that the other is not lying or cheating. ... It means we do not have to control the other person, to follow their every step lest they escape our grip. Love trusts, it sets free, it does not try to control, possess and dominate everything. This freedom, which fosters independence, an openness to the world around us and to new experiences, can only enrich and expand relationships."
Remember: Love Takes Work
"It is not helpful to dream of an idyllic and perfect love needing no stimulus to grow. A celestial notion of earthly love forgets that the best is yet to come, that fine wine matures with age. ... It is much healthier to be realistic about our limits, defects and imperfections, and to respond to the call to grow together, to bring love to maturity and to strengthen the union, come what may."
When You Argue, Acknowledge Your Partner's Perspective
"Never downplay what they say or think, even if you need to express your own point of view. ... We ought to be able to acknowledge the other person's truth, the value of his or her deepest concerns, and what it is that they are trying to communicate, however aggressively."

Aim To Disagree Without Being Hurtful
"Making a point should never involve venting anger and inflicting hurt. A patronizing tone only serves to hurt, ridicule, accuse and offend others. Many disagreements between couples are not about important things. Mostly they are about trivial matters. What alters the mood, however, is the way things are said or the attitude with which they are said."
Think Thoughts, Read Books: It's Important To Be Interesting. 
"For a worthwhile dialogue we have to have something to say. This can only be the fruit of an interior richness nourished by reading, personal reflection, prayer and openness to the world around us. Otherwise, conversations become boring and trivial. When neither of the spouses works at this, and has little real contact with other people, family life becomes stifling and dialogue impoverished."
And Do Try To Have Good Sex. If Nothing Else, It Makes Life Seem OK For At Least A Moment
"God himself created sexuality, which is a marvellous gift to his creatures," Francis writes.
Sex should never be pursued for just one person's pleasure, or in a way that treats your partner as "an object to be used," Francis writes, and should always involve freely given consent.
And — a point he makes several times — mutual pleasure.
Sexuality is "meant to aid the fulfillment of the other," he writes, but "personal satisfaction" is involved as well — not just self-sacrificing service to your partner's needs.
"As a passion sublimated by a love respectful of the dignity of the other, it becomes a 'pure, unadulterated affirmation' revealing the marvels of which the human heart is capable. In this way, even momentarily, we can feel that 'life has turned out good and happy,' " he says, quoting the German philosopher Josef Pieper.
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Tuesday, April 5, 2016 @ 12:10 AM
Thankful.
TONIGHT WAS A REALLY GREAT NIGHT AND A NIGHT WELL-SPENT! Or perhaps I should say evening instead. The time from 6.30pm to 10.30pm :) It was the first time in an NTU Social & Welfare event that I felt completely at ease and enjoyed myself without wanting to rush off to somewhere else or feeling like my time will be better spent somewhere else :D The entire event was organised so well, and the flow was great as well. The games were wonderful, each one not taking up too long and not being too lame/exclusive. Everyone had a chance to participate and have fun :) I think this is something that the S&W team did really well; coming up with games that can involve everyone at the event and not just a select few who volunteered/were sabo-ed to go on stage.

It was an excellent evening, man, and I will remember it :)) The socks were a great idea! So wonderful. So cute. So unique. Something special to remember the evening and event by as well, since from the start everyone wore only one sock. :)))) It was a great event with ample opportunities for everyone present to be involved in the things that were going on ^^ Excellent. And some parts were really funny :D E.g. when Feng Yu was pasting the halo onto his own picture LOLLL and his group directed him to paste it on his -COUGH- HAHAHAHA. Excellent. I ought to keep their ideas in mind haha if in future I am in charge of organising any large-group social events where the goal is to get as many people to participate in the moment as possible :)

I think what made it wonderful also included how there were different things going on during different periods of the evening. A warm-up game first, which split us up into three large groups, and didn't take too long/wasn't too repetitive. Then dinner. Wonderful. Then continue the three-large groups game again, then Angel/Mortal revelation which involved us trying to find people wearing the other half of our pairs of socks and forming a large circle, and then a game involving us standing in the circle and passing newspaper balls around with forfeits/presents. All of them were not too draggy. And then at the end, the exam welfare pack giveaway. If you realise, they spread our attention out pretty well, without us drifting off too much. And that is a wonderful thing to do to help the 4 hours not seem to draggy and forced.

It was great, man. Really great :)

And the EWP is amazing LOL the best EWP I've every gotten omg o_o It's DAMN HEAVY ALSO because of all the goodies in it. And >88% of the things are actually useful HAHA not like most other EWPs which just give us vouchers and other advertisement things that we are unlikely to ever use.

Here's a picture of what the CNYang 2016 Sem 2 EWP contained LOLL


Look at that amount of food man!! AND THE LOOM BANDS LOL WHY WILL THERE BE LOOM BANDS IN EWPS I ASK YOU??? And each box cost like $39.95 or something WTH??? It was written on the box haha the price tag still there. Maybe a good way to destress bah hahaha.

And I am really happy too because my mortal told me she's been wanting a drawstring bag and that the design I chose was SUPER CUTEEEEE I AGREE HEHEHE THAT UNICORN REALLY DAMN CUTE.

And I am also really happy because my angel gave me strawberry jelly hearts that she made by herself :))) First attempt!!! And it tastes so good GOSH I gotta learn how to make it during the summer holidays!


Took a bite (actually more than one bite in the end) because I was so eager to try it xD


Life is really good at the moment.


And I will fly my way to balance and happiness.
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Sunday, April 3, 2016 @ 10:38 PM
-
Wish I was in the city or back at home right now, in a place where I can look out of my window and look at the bustling activities inside the various apartments of high-rise buildings. Or where I can climb to the top of the playground and stare at the vehicles zooming by on the highway beside my house. Thinking how ephemeral each moment is; how each car will only remain in my line of sight for less than a second before the entire scenery changes and other cars come over to take its place. There is noise, yes, but it is a peaceful and detached kind of noise which I feel like an observer listening in to. It's like the various windows and apartments I can see from my room at home of the condo beside our block. Each window, hiding the lives of different people. And as an observer, I can see all these things happening from the outside; this reminds me that there are so many wondrous moments and people and lives out there, and I am not alone in this world. Things are still going on, things are bustling even though I am not bustling along with them and I am perfectly content sitting on the outside looking in on them. It's like, you look at all this, and while you are not a part of them you are still glad that they are happening in the world, you know?

Yes. Those are places that I would like very much to be at the moment; the quietness (and albeit serenity) of NTU doesn't speak to my soul quite as loudly at the moment. In another time and mood I may appreciate this, but not now... Now I crave the signs of life. The signs of cities, and life.

Oh well. Time to continue working on my report.
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@ 12:11 PM
有一種踏實,是你口中喊我名字
刚去扫墓了。在老嬷的坟前差点哭了,因为当时才深深地感触到她在生前所立下的功德是对我有多大的影响。

也刚读完一位网上漫画家的小故事。关于 “回忆” 的小故事。小绿和小蓝的故事。I am very surprised that stick figures can give me so much feels, like what Charlotte said when she shared the first story on Facebook haha. The first story didn't resonate with me as much though. But this time it did hit deeper into my soul because I understand the feeling of giving and sacrificing a large part of your time and effort, even though it may all come to naught, a lot.

Man.

That story.

><

Kay time to go and complete my income statement.
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Friday, April 1, 2016 @ 5:17 PM
從前從前,有個人愛你很久。偏偏,風漸漸,把距離吹得好遠。/ Read this when you are unsure, or plagued by matters of the heart.
Was thinking about why things will turn out the way they turn out and why I will keep thinking about this when things turn out 'bad'. Even for Jonah. There is just something about romantic relationships that I cannot wrap my head around. Does that mean that I am not ready for a relationship yet? I feel like in my mind there is this ideal of a relationship that everybody should aim towards and be looking to, but now I realise that this is really not the case because everyone has their own expectations of who their partner should be like. And this is something that others simply cannot change, even when others are willing to put in so much and sacrifice so much for them.

Either that, or it takes time.

I've only just realised how vulnerable I am in this field of life. There are some mistakes that I've been making over and over again. Well, there you have it. Looking at this sentence right now, it is starting to sink in a bit deeper that there are some things that I really have to change, since they are mistakes that I've been making so many times. Mistakes should not be repeated. 犯太多次錯,錯便成為過。犯太多次過,過便成為罪。So, yes. Mistakes should not be repeated. So what is it that I've been doing wrong all this while? Take a long and hard look at yourself, girl, before you come up with the answer, because you only make the same mistakes when you haven't come up with a strong conclusion with regards to the previous time you made the mistake.

I recognise this feeling right now, when you are continuing with something that is not going okay because in your head you are thinking, "okay, there may be this this this consequence if I continue acting/feeling/thinking like this, but there are also good sides to this way of acting/feeling/thinking". And this is where you start to go off track, remember? Remember what happened last semester? Clubbing? ***l and ****s? Although for the latter you retained enough of your sanity to say no to going all the way, but you still went some way anyway? No. No. No more of this. Girl. Now that you know how you will be affected by all this. Stop. Stop. It doesn't mean that if you've done it before, there's no harm doing more. Your body is still so damn precious so even any supposedly "milder" things are still a big no-no. No. Nope. Having done these things before doesn't mean that others will automatically have a free ticket to do more. You know yourself, girl. You know it won't bode out well. So even if next time anyone, I mean anyone at all wants to do all these things without first actually getting to know you, including knowing your shittiest sides, say no. Even if you may like that person. Even if you think that the person is serious about you. The person is not serious until you are together. Officially together. Show-it-to-the-whole-world-and-family together. And it takes months for that to happen. So, nope. Help others respect you. Help yourself to respect yourself. There are some standards that you have to set for yourself, girl. To keep yourself safe. To retain your dignity and respect for yourself. And by safe, I don't mean physically safe, but emotionally safe and secure too. Set your boundaries, girl. If you meet someone worthy, he will be willing to wait. And accept. If not, then just say goodbye to him. Don't make exceptions in things like this which will only make you vulnerable and ultimately hurt you.

You are not cheap. You are not desperate. You are precious. Very precious. And very worthy of love. Not the lame love-at-first-sight/hormonal attraction, but deep and secure love. Love where the other person always chooses you, again and again and again. The kind of love you will give people. The kind of love you have already proven that you are capable of giving.

Okay? Promise me that you will refer back to this post again whenever you are feeling unsure, or plagued again by eh, this new guy who seems to be interested in you? and your heart is floating and unsettled and you are caught up in the high of the moment, and unsure. Come back to this post, and remember your clarity at this moment right now.
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Painful longing for another day C'est la vie, ma cherie. Antibiotics Perfectionist streaks. Now Playing: Autumn Finds Winter - Yiruma Eating as a form of distraction One of those days A foggy world(?) Don't know why I'm writing this down We call everything on the ice, "love".