some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Thursday, March 31, 2016 @ 10:33 PM
You really shouldn't talk to people when you are under the influence of alcohol.
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@ 10:04 PM
十秒的衝動
One of those days when you feel like hoboing and emoing in your room and eating alone.

On a side note, my gauge of how much food to cook to feed one person is getting a whole lot better. So I cooked pasta. Seashells pasta cuz Prime didn't have fusilli, which is really sad cause I love fusilli. Added diced carrots and chopped cherry tomatoes and chopped canned button mushrooms. And pesto traditional pasta sauce cuz Edward gave the can to me after SY gave it to him for A&M cuz it contained onions and garlic and he couldn't eat it. Oh, added a slice of cheese to make it more creamy too and the effect was good. Might be even better if I added some cream or milk so that I can make it like 18chefs' red&white sauce but nah it's okay.

But it was nice. Here's a picture of it.


Drinking some lychee beer now too because was really in the mood. 


Was feeling a little out of sorts again because I was thinking about the relationship thing and essentially a little angry and upset that somebody cannot accept my past because I have always believed that when you love someone it has absolutely nothing to do with what they did in the past but more of what they are as a person right now. But then I realised that there is nothing I can do anyway because that is the way he believes and he wants to think and there is just nothing that I can do. 

It's just too bad. That's the only thing I can say to myself now. Too bad, girl. Too bad. Even if you had something amazing going on and you were looking at the long term and all you cannot do anything if the other party refuses to accept you. Too bad. TOO BAD. 

The alcohol is getting to my head. But it's okay because I am alone and nobody can essentially do anything to me including myself. Except that I might annoy people by blogging this kinda thing but whatever man it's not like I am blogging for anyone to see. Maybe I am, actually, subconsciously, ever since I decided to put the URL onto my instagram profile page. But whatever. 

Sigh feel like drinking more. I just finished the can. But I would essentially wreck myself. I guess I can still watch Bio lecture... Yeah I ought to watch. But I feel like drinking too. So I shall drink and watch. 

SHIT just remembered I gotta finish my Physics OA too but okay whatever I shall finish Bio lecture and then go shower and then do OA. 

I still want to rant though. Can I rant here?

Yep, I can. 

Ugh but there's no point in ranting also lah. What's the use. We've been through this same argument so much in my head already, and we just keep coming to the same conclusion anyway, isn't it. I'm just annoyed by how you treated it like it was nothing. Like it is perfectly natural to just say that you just want to get to know her as a friend when it is so clear that in your head you are just aiming to find "Ms Right" - as if Ms Right even exists. There is no freaking Ms Right. There is no freaking someone whom you like and then everything will work out. And sooner or later you will come to realise that a person's past is so damn insignificant compared to how she is as a person now and her general attitude towards life. But fuck, yeah, it's just me being bitter at the moment because you are perfectly entitled to what you think and feel and I understand that too, I understand that so freaking much. Cause I understand so deeply that everyone's choices and decisions and feelings stem from their experiences and you have a different experience from me. So I know. I know

It doesn't stop me from feeling bitter about it, nonetheless. I am bitter that I do not have a say in this, that I do not have a choice, and I cannot do anything at the moment right now for you to change your mind. 我很不服,你明白吗?我真的很不服。尤其是因为我已经决定要更深一层地认识你,open my heart up to you. And plus you did not tell me the truth when you said that you were just interested in knowing her as a friend. Just tell me, DAMNIT. You could have just told me from then that you think that there is no chance already at all instead of leading me to think that there was still some place in your heart reserved for me 

And I am so bitter that you chose to just give up and move on because of that one thing. Okay. I am probably being unfair. Maybe that one thing is something that matters absolutely a lot to you. 

Yes and we are back to the same conclusion again. It doesn't mean that I am not bitter. Probably just means that I haven't completely come to terms with it yet. 

Why is it that after drinking alcohol I feel like my fingers and arms are so weak? Like I cannot exert any substantial strength. And my heart beats so fast. 

Lol I see. Alright. 

Lol I think I look quite fked up now and cut as fk because my face is red and my eyes are unfocused and my face is red. And I am tearing. Somewhat. Because I just ranted to Denise about what I am feeling and I am sad. And some tears are flowing. It's the alcohol. 

Kay just went to shower and am back. Feeling more in control now. Time to finish my Mastering Physics OA. Bye. 

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@ 9:56 AM
Desiderata - Max Ehrmann, 1927
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saw this poem on my dear friend's blog and thought that it was extremely in line with Tao. 
It's a wonderful reminder that 道 flows in all things and beliefs and cultures and I am once again really glad for this.
It means that I can get counsel from so many different aspects of the world. 
And that at its core, Tao really exists everywhere.
Cheers :)

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Tuesday, March 29, 2016 @ 11:59 AM
My weakness is that I allow males to hurt me way too often.
If I'm gone, it will be as if nothing much has happened anyway and you would revert back to your original life before I appeared, because it is not as if I had made such a huge impact on your life in these few short months anyway. 

Same goes for me - except that without you, I would never have heard about Tao so soon but this wouldn't stop me from going to the lessons and all, even if you are not in my life any more. 

Maybe we would be relegated back to the state of "acquaintances". Is it because how much I led you astray had scared you? And while we remain as mere friends there would be no possibility of us going off track again, but that deeper connection might not be there any more either. 

You said that you hoped my thought-collection process wouldn't put too much of a distance but I think that the distance is already here, because at this moment right now, in order to get over the thoughts I had about us I have to stop treating you as somebody special. And you are also helping in the sense that we haven't really seen each other or done anything together alone for about two weeks now. This is quite a large jump from seeing each other almost every day for the past two months, to put it into context. 

So yes. The distance is there. And once again it feels like it was just a dream, a short two-month excerpt from another life and now I am thrown back into the realities of my world again, although this is not necessarily a bad thing. 

:/ oh well. 

Is it time for me to move on, like what the doctor did in hall production?

I ought to, really, because this has taken up quite a bit of my energy and quite a large percentage of my thoughts while I am awake - and even while I am asleep. 

Sigh. 

最终还是学不会,不是吗?As much as I'd like to think that I'm more well-versed in matters of the heart, my actions and emotions keep proving me wrong. I keep going in too deep and risking other parts of a relationship with someone because I treat them too differently and I expect too much out of them. This is where the suffering comes in, haha... Too much unrealistic expectations and ideals to reach. Does this mean that I am not ready for a relationship yet? In all logical sense, yes. It would be better for me to close off my heart at the moment and not let anyone in at all, squish all other thoughts and focus on the other parts of my life that I need to focus on. But there is still something inside me that always hopes, each time somebody manages to move me by even just that little bit. 

J, L, E. 

Many of them were wrong decisions. I ought not to expect so much out of people in the future, especially people I don't really know

(And I notice that I am not writing any of these in a hyperbolic manner. Unlike in the past, when I would exaggerate my feelings of hurt. Now, I'm just trying to come to terms with the emotional storm that is circulating inside me - accepting the things that I am feeling while simultaneously acknowledging that they might not be very good things to be feeling.)

My heart feels like lead at the moment. It feels like it has hit rock bottom again. Now I understand that there is also meaning in these feelings of down-ness, and it's not just about you telling yourself to stop, get up and go on even though you know the best way forward. It is not as if you are relishing these heavy feelings, but you appreciate them as a part of life as well. In the past I would question myself, like why do I hold on to moments of sadness and make myself more sad? It's because I used to (in a more superficial way) think that only by being sad will you be happy. But now, I understand that sadness in itself has meaning, and its meaning does not only stem from the fact that it can make you appreciate happiness more, do you understand what I mean? Happiness is not the end goal. Happiness is not the only thing with meaning. Sadness has meaning too, and its meaning does not revolve around happiness. 

This is something that I've only begun to understand recently, actually. This heaviness inside me sometimes is a better driver of creation than the buoyant and light feeling of joyfulness. And so while there is no need to exaggerate the heaviness of the emotions that I feel, there is also absolutely no need to repress it by thinking superficially bright thoughts and saying "oh, since you already know the way forward, why not just do it?"

It appears that I have reached another level of emotional maturity.

I will not doubt myself and the emotions that I am feeling any more. And in no way will I ever let anyone tell me that my feelings are not valid again.

And it's time to head to Physics lecture too. I know that I will enjoy the process of learning today. :)

See you.
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@ 12:18 AM
Well.
Looked at my past entries in the other blog and am surprised by myself. How did you lose sight of all rationality and allow yourself to fall so fast this time? Is it because it has been too long since the last lesson you learnt and you forgot it all? Tsk Hui Ting, this is not good. But well, I guess you are back on the right track again now. This is good; please keep it this way, even if anyone else appears.

Seeyah~ Go to bed, dear. :)

P.S. Felt rather revulsed when I read the entries from May 2014 onwards till university started, actually. 

And now I'm also feeling a little ashamed about the things we did. :/ But it doesn't change the fact that we did them anyway. 

Seeyah. 
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Saturday, March 26, 2016 @ 9:05 PM
Resonance
Well hello dear friends, I am back.

I was just spending the past ten minutes or so reading through my previous blog entries from December 2011 to February 2012. This is a period of time I kinda neglected previously when I visited my archives, because I would always tend to look at my Secondary 2 times and then Secondary 4 times. It's as if nothing significant happened in Secondary 3 that I remember. But now that I think about it... It was a period of reflection and thoughts, and me learning to exist by myself. It was a period in which I was really in line with my thoughts because Nanjing at the end of Secondary 3 trained me to do that. And I was surprisingly fluent then, being able to pen down my thoughts and write out such vivid analogies to describe the images that appear in my head.

I feel as if that part of me hasn't seen the light in quite a while, haha. The articulate Goh Hui Ting.

I read too little nowadays. I ought to get back into this game.

Nowadays, my life is filled with various activities and bursts of emotions. You don't really see me thinking as much as before. Or perhaps I do, just that I am less able to articulate these thoughts out in a... fluent way. In the past you could say I was like an artist in wonderful command of her brush and palette, an artist who is able to produce great paintings with a flourish of her hand and wrist, but now I am struggling to mix my colours and produce the images that show themselves inside my head.

It takes practice to be in tune with your methods of expression. If you understand what I mean.

Nowadays my sentences tend to be shorter and choppier. Perhaps this is because the kind of writing I do in school is more factual in nature, with no need for bombastic sentence structures. In fact, those kinds of sentence structures will be frowned upon by the people grading my papers. Ah well. This is a fact, I guess, and there is nothing much that I can do to change it. But I would like to be in touch with this long-forgotten side of myself though - the side of me who relishes using beautiful, complex sentence structures and who can use them so damn well too.

Maybe one day.

Moving on, after having read the thoughts of my fifteen-year-old self I realise that I have much to be thankful for currently. Where I was once confused and burdened, I am now clear and free. I am speaking of my directions in life and my relationship with my family, of course. I remember always lamenting about how I am a very different person in front of my family and in front of my friends. The funny thing is that those thoughts are completely gone from my mind now, and I don't remember how this happened. It was a gradual process, I suppose. But I am pretty sure that the turning point occurred some time last year. Perhaps I grew up. That's good though; it is indeed about time for me to grow up. Perhaps slowly I just started realising that my mother and family will not be here forever, and I must cherish the time that I can spend with them when I can. Even to my father, I now have these thoughts; I am starting to warm up to him so much more too. I can understand him better, and appreciate his different sides although in the past I always saw him as just a male adult human who happens to live in my home, and provides allowance for me and money for the family too. Brutal, I know, but that was what I felt as a kid.

Maybe I'm finally free of that rebellious teenage phase, haha. Or perhaps I've gained enough exposure to the world to know more about the things that I want. This is definitely not to say that I am wise enough to overcome the world. I understand thoroughly now, that I am definitely not. But compared to the me at fifteen years old, I have definitely seen more and gone through more things. It was only recently that I truly learnt to become more humble, and learnt the difference between being confident, and arrogant. Took me 20 years of my life to get there, well.

One of the most significant factors which brought about all this is definitely university. The world is so much bigger here than in my past. And in the future when I go out to work I will see that the world is even bigger. But this is enough to make me more aware of my priorities, and my limitations. I have truly been in a too-safe environment for the past ten years of my life... And while I cannot call my current situation "wild" either, I know at least that there is something worse out there.

But this brings me to something very important which I have experienced recently... That is the act of being in touch with my spirituality. I am fairly certain that it started when Qian introduced me to Tao. And at this moment right now, I must say that this is a very significant thing to me, and is likely to remain that way for decades to come. 

Yep, just a disclaimer right there. Feel free to skip this part if you are not interested in matters of spirituality. But this blog is mostly written for myself, and so I doubt that I won't be interested in what I have to say about the major milestones in my life ;)

I am very excited by what Tao entails. In fact, I am anticipating the day when I can 得道, and see what other things I can uncover with this momentous event. There is so much more that I can learn, and every session of learning and understanding just draws my soul in deeper.

After twenty years of my life, I am finally getting in touch with my spirituality. Perhaps in the past there was no reason for me to do it, both internally and externally. And now I am still not completely sure what is it about my current situation that makes me so attracted by it, like a hungry soul waiting for some flame to nourish its frozen heart. But I am deeply drawn by it. Every time I am there at a lesson, my soul craves for more. Everything that was mentioned in the lessons resonate with my deepest values so extraordinarily well. It is so very natural for me to be there, and to want to be there.

It just fits.

So well.

With all the thoughts and values that I've ever had and held dear to me in the past, and also all the things that I was brought up with, and brought up to know. Like what I told Qian, it is so natural to me that I am not surprised by how comfortable I feel in it, and with it. Even my relationship with Qian surprised me from the start, because I never knew that there will be someone one could talk to so easily from the moment that the met.

Yep, indeed. And like what I said when I finished the 地狱游记, my heart is completely at ease now. I have a direction to go to, and compasses to guide me. I am no longer apprehensive of what the future will entail.

This is the turning point. And it is 9.04pm, so this shall be the end of this rather long post :)

See you!

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@ 12:57 PM
When Two Damaged People Love Each Other - Nikita Gill
http://thoughtcatalog.com/nikita-gill/2016/03/when-two-damaged-people-love-each-other/

We are sitting in the same room, not talking. You are playing video games and killing dark things on screen, whilst I am writing away every violent memory that has crept through my mind in the last ten minutes. There is no pressure of conversation. There is no necessity in this. It is simply being and we are both dealing with our demons in our own ways. The difference is, we understand that – without talking about it.

We are leaving a restaurant in the middle of London, after a beautiful day and I see him, the man who haunts my memories. My whole body withers in fear and as you look up in his direction, he is gone like he was never there, just a memory. You wrap your arm around me as we walk, not asking any questions just understanding. Later, Facebook reminds you of a memory you would much rather forget, and as I pull you close into a hug, I can feel the storm shaking inside your body.


We are in a Doctor’s office and you’re silent. I know how much you hate it here and how everything about this place makes you need to hold the broken pieces of you together even more fiercely. I touch your hand and you look up at me, lost, then look away again. The silence isn’t the problem. The memories are, and it takes someone who hates being in this room as much as you do understanding that. You say to me “I’m sorry I brought you with me.” I smile and squeeze your hand tight. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I didn’t fall in love with you because you were perfect. I fell in love with you because you were so honest and you never ever hid your damage.

We are lying in bed, both wide awake, not sleeping. Caught between nightmares and the moon, the Sandman has forgotten us completely. After a while of restless shifting, you get up and go to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I stay in bed and watch the ghosts of our pasts shift in our bed, waiting for you to return. When you do, we chase them away with a midnight film – an old black and white movie. We both know that getting up tomorrow is going to be a pain, that we will be exhausted at work – but there is no fighting insomnia when it is immersed in our bodies so deeply.

Some days, we look at each other like we are about to say something and then stop – almost as if the clock in our heads have told us not to speak about it yet. The difference is, there is no pressure to speak about it until we are ready. 

You see, the way we love is different because we are broken. Whilst others love in flowers and songs and conversation, we love in silence and helping each other pick up the pieces. Our love is a quiet journey in healing. Our love is where we wait for the other to fix themselves and help them grow slowly.

You see, we are damaged, so we love a bit differently. These ways in which we say ‘I love you’ aren’t perfect. But they are balm for healing, a balm for dark memories.

You once asked me, “How can you love something as broken and damaged and unhinged as me?”

It’s easy, my darling, you are damaged and broken and unhinged. But so are shooting stars and comets.
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@ 11:17 AM
Watch me.
I have decided that I will no longer be ashamed of what I study. In the future, when people ask me what I am studying and I say that I am studying "Biological Sciences", I will say it with pride. Because this was what I chose to do, not because I was forced into it or anything but because I am genuinely interested in it. Who cares about the average salary and the life of an average biologist? Since I chose to do this, I will do it exceptionally and I will be much, much more than average.

Just watch me.

Zootopia was a great experience and a gentle but firm reminder that I can be the things I want to be if I put my heart to it. Who cares what the average person does? Because I will be exceptional, because I have the tools to be exceptional and I was born to be exceptional. And I will do the things that truly matter to me. I will not be led astray by the thoughts of others, and the temptation of money. No.

And I will no longer be afraid or bound to the current place that I am in and think that "oh, food science is the only thing that I can do to survive in Singapore" just because I'd like to stay in Singapore. The world is my shell, and I will create opportunities to go to wherever I gotta go, to satisfy my deepest and brightest desires -

to make a difference. 

I will climb to the top and be one of the very best.

Just watch me. 


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@ 9:54 AM
Sometimes, if you hold yourself back for too long, it will be too late. 

But going back to the Denise pov. 

如果我们有缘我们最终一定会找回彼此的。昨天上的那趟课不就在讲述这个道理吗?是你的就是你的;不是你的永远不会降落在你手中。我觉得我的华文进步了。

Let it go~

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It doesn't feel right to put these two topics in the same post because they describe such contrasting parts of my heart.

Okay I shall start a new post.

Okay, after some thought, maybe not. The feeling I had when showering is gone already. No point trying to force it out. On a side note, hall prod tomorrow!!! SEEYAHHHHH TIME TO DO WORK MY TOMORROW WILL BE BURNT TOO
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Wednesday, March 23, 2016 @ 11:56 AM
LEARNING/TRAINING/GROWING
HELLO.

What's the point of uni, you ask?

For me, it is to train my mind, and to continue growing and learning about the world. All the mods are not just there for their content. It is through the learning of these modules that my mind will be trained.

So remember this okay, Hui Ting!! Everything that happens each day is for you to open your mind and to learn something new.
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Tuesday, March 22, 2016 @ 10:31 PM
Friends.
We started off on the wrong track, but it's okay, because now I know where I should focus instead.

拋開所有其他的念頭。找回自己。找回喜歡上他前的自己。我相信妳是可以做到的。因為妳在遇到他之前已經有了屬於自己的生活和念頭。

妳要堅強。要記住此刻的感覺。此刻的堅決。告訴他再見!!!!再見啦!!!!!後會有期!!!!我要出發啦!!!找回從前的自己!!!!!!!因為那個我才是最漂亮,最美麗的我!再見!

And beyond this, if we are meant to be we will always find our way back to each other.

BUT I REFUSE TO ENTERTAIN THIS THOUGHT AT THE MOMENT! Because my reason for leaving is not so that I can come back. It is to FIND BACK MYSELF. No. I refuse to think about coming back at all. If I leave with these thoughts, with 這絲絲想回來的念頭, I will never be able to go far. I must cut all the ties right here, right now. Without even thinking that cutting the ties is for the sake of finding my way back. NO.

No more feelings. No more thinking too much.

Just friends.

Friends.

GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!!!

NO MORE. I will make certain on my word. I WILL SET OFF RIGHT NOW AND LEAVE THIS GIRL BEHIND.

BYE.
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@ 4:19 PM
Plant
Physics Quiz 2 was easier than expected. Even though I couldn't really remember the definition of beta decay, and couldn't really remember what other experiment showed that waves have particle properties besides Compton Scattering. Oh well. It was actually really manageable, nothing like Physics Quiz 1 or the quizzes last semester LOL especially the Physics finals last semester I swear that they were meant to kill ._. Maybe they wouldn't have killed if I had taken H2 Physics in JC, but the things is I didn't take H2 Physics so you can't really blame me for dying lol. It's like wanting to fly even before I've learnt how to walk. Hahaha.

Anyway, bought myself a plant o_o


Still kinda unable to decide what I am feeling about it lol. But the maintenance is quite low. So I guess I'll just treat it as a friend/someone to sing to when I have nothing else to do LOL. And just like, a companion when I am studying. hahahaha lolol. Hopefully it doesn't die that soon :(

Anyway, good bye, time to catch up on my other stuffs. 

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Monday, March 21, 2016 @ 5:37 PM
Cheers
Just realised how precious my diary and blog is because they give me so much perspective on myself, through time. Within just one book lies years of memories and lessons learnt, which I have painstakingly recorded down. They are precious, man. They help to give me perspective when I am overwhelmed in the present and the now. They show me the things that are important to me and which have stayed important to me over time. So that I can bring myself out of my current situation and emerge with a fresher mind. Now, why am I talking in rhymes? It seems as if the songwriting instinct is still stuck in me somehow.

Alright, ciao, feeling a little tired now so maybe I'm going to take a nap.
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Sunday, March 20, 2016 @ 9:12 PM
Reminder:

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@ 6:33 PM
One step
OMG feeling a bit - okay not really a bit, kind of like VERY - stressed about school at the moment. About the amount of things I gotta do. I think I should chill a bit more, and get my priorities straight first. But before that let us just list down the things I haven't done.

- Revise for Physics Quiz
- Math Week 9 videos and math tutorials
- Climate Science Draft!!!
- CY1400 results
- BS1007 Week 9 lecture
- Reply my CNYang Angel and Mortal
- BS1100 Lab 7 & 8 Report

Okay in terms of deadlines, the most looming one is:
- Revise for Physics Quiz (Tuesday)
- Climate Science Draft (Thursday)
- CY1400 results + biostats analysis (next week)
- BS1100 Lab 7 & 8 Report (1 April)

Okay if you think about it, the most pressing ones are
- Revise for Physics Quiz (Tuesday)
and
- Climate Science Draft (Thursday)

The climate science draft you can do it really quickly, actually. You need to stop thinking that you gotta come up with a perfect first try.

OMG, stop trying to think that you've got to accomplish everything! Do the ones that are the most important first. And it's not like you gotta complete everything within the next week right??? So relax a bit. It's just Physics. You've finished watching and following all the lectures already, and so you are not that screwed up. You don't have to waste time watching them again, so you can spend all the time on doing tutorials and practice questions. And even though some of your peers have already started doing the past year questions, it is okay. Look at yourself.

The upcoming week will be a week where you catch up on most of your things, okay? You will focus during the week, and then at the end of the week you can relax a bit more and play. Don't forget that you have a Good Friday coming up during which you have a lot more time to do the things you want to complete. And in addition, you only feel like this weekend you didn't have much of a weekend cause you went for directors' tea. And Friday was a whole full day of lab ending at 5+, so your day was gone too. And today you were tired, so you slept the day away too plus you had to teach tuition in the morning. This may be the reason why you feel as if you have no time/did not do anything meaningful, but if you think about it, you did spend your days meaningfully talking to the prospective CNYang students, teaching Ethan. Okay? Chill, girl. You won't be able to accomplish anything if you are just panicking and all as well. It's like during an exam if you keep thinking that you have so many questions left to do and so little time your mind will fly into a panic and you won't even be able to do a single question. But if you stop, throw away all other thoughts of time and concentrate on one question, you will be able to do it. Understand? Right now you are in the panicked phase. I'm glad it's subsiding, yeah, but it is undeniable that you are still in it.

So chill. For the rest of today you will go through your Physics tutorials, okay? Do not be afraid, because it is not as if the tutorials are fucking hard to solve. This is not like last sem any more. Do not let your experience from last sem screw up your current sem, when it is already super obvious that the tutorial questions are not hard to do! Some of them are even Mastering Physics OA standard, isn't it? And you've been completing your OA and learning the concepts well. So chill. It is not that hard. It is not very hard. Stop convincing yourself that it is hard because it is not! Okay? Relax. Today and tomorrow will be sufficient for you to get through it, to refresh your memory and understand the things that you don't understand. And your ability to reason and do test questions even when you have not completely finished all the practice papers that were available to you is not a stroke of luck. It exists, because you are able to anticipate the toughness of the questions, and also understand the concepts instead of just blindly memorising. Give yourself some credit for that. Don't look at tests like something you have to ace. They are just there to check your understanding of what you have learnt so far, remember? The grades are not the end point.

And I am feeling so much calmer now after typing out all of this.

Jiayous okay, girl? Spend the rest of today doing one Physics tutorial. Just work it out step by step, slowly and steadily. Give yourself time to really do it and use your brain while doing it instead of rushing through just to complete the tutorial but not learn anything in the process, because the latter is what will really waste your time man. Okay?

Good job, girl. You can do it. Slowly and steadily. One step at a time.
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Sunday, March 13, 2016 @ 1:12 AM
Woohoos
Well hello everyone I just changed my keyboard cover to the pink gradient one and it is so pretty and nice to type with and I am happy hahahahahaha. Yay. In fact we can say that it is nicer to type with than the transparent one because the transparent one is kinda sticky and annoying somewhat. But the disadvantage of the pink one is that you cannot really see the light coming from the keys I guess. But oh well. Anyway I am happy to see it hehehe it is so nice and gentle, the colour gradient :))) Yay!

Kk time to sleep, bye. 

On a side note, just went to my very first tao lesson and it was great. I loved the environment and the speaker and everything that was said made sense to me, and was completely acceptable and logical to me. Got to know Qian's cousin too HAHA Jonas and it's great to know that there are other kind and like-minded people out there :) 

AND had that Tino Live Music audition too! Looks like I know where I can spend my summer holidays already ;) Plus working, of course. To finance my lessons hehe. 

Alright, seeyah!

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Thursday, March 3, 2016 @ 12:32 PM
Baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you #np
I AM SO HAPPY AT THE MOMENT

Yesterday with Ah Qian was great 🌚 And I don't just mean the expected parts LOL I meant the part where we really talked and everything and there is that spiritual/mental connection. And the honesty.

And today morning with Denise and Siang Yee and us wearing the maroon, white and black Crescent tee without actually deciding on it together :D And then reliving SYF memories - them with their band, me messaging linlaoshi and getting the SYF 2009 and 2011 recordings from her OMG 大江东去 is such a beautiful song; it is the most beautiful song I have ever played in terms of emotions, actually. I recall almost crying while playing it during SYF. All the emotions and dedication to a performance... I miss those times. I remember them fondly.

I am really happy right now.


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