some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Thursday, November 26, 2015 @ 9:59 PM
日本語は、楽しいよ
I'm so glad that Physics and Chemistry are over. It's still hard to grasp that they are over for the rest of my time here in university though! Those three months' worth of knowledge will never be tested again. Which makes me wonder, actually - what is the point of learning all that when it will become irrelevant in your life? It's like, we will never touch those things again o_o 

Ah well. I've been too used to the one/two years studying style haha >< 

Anyway. Learning Japanese and the flute now :) These are two things that I've always wanted to learn! And I'm glad that I have the chance to learn them, now. 

日本語は、楽しいよ!^^

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Wednesday, November 25, 2015 @ 10:36 PM
Just do what matters to you. 
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@ 11:01 AM
I don't know what I am doing now haha. My brain doesn't seem to be working very well. I think it is most likely because of the fact that I slept at 1am yesterday. I know, I know, this is an unprecedented situation for me hahaha. Sleeping at 1am the day before an exam?? tsk tsk, Goh Hui Ting. You should have chased the guys away at 12am haha. At least your mental capabilities wouldn't be as affected now.

So I guess I decided to just wing it. Maybe it wasn't the wisest decision. But well.

On a side note
I'M REALLY GLAD THAT I STILL HAVE MY MUSIC! i.e. that iTunes still allows me to play them lol.

Hopefully this will continue tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. And the days after the days after tomorrow. WAHAHAHAHAHAHS.

Be happier, girl :)
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Monday, November 23, 2015 @ 6:38 PM
Diary, diary
Surprisingly having a lot more motivation to study now that I am actually in the midst of examinations. Maybe biochem this morning woke my brain up and made me actually use my brain more because I had no other choice haha. In any case, I spent a rather productive afternoon on Physics, I must say. I was surprisingly focused and patient for every question that I attempted haha. And I could solve them all, or at least understand how to solve them. This level of patience is quite rare. Perhaps it is here now because I trained my brain to think patiently and analytically this morning because I had no other choice when I was trying to complete the Biochem paper haha. I had to draw conclusions from the existing knowledge in my brain and the attempt to deduce the answer from there because I did not know the exact content for many of the questions. So I must say that even though I had quite a few questions wrong, I still felt pretty good about myself because the answers that I put were the most logical answers at that point in time.

Okay I shall not waste this productive mood that I am in. 

See yah :)

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Sunday, November 22, 2015 @ 6:22 PM
Forgiveness
Shu Ning taught me one important thing - that you have to forgive yourself.

You may notice that the time difference between this post and the previous post is super short haha. But I thought that this topic warrants another post because of the difference in the content that I want to convey.

Forgiving myself is something that I have never really truly considered deeply. It was something that I knew of, but it didn't really matter that much to me in the past because I don't think I really made any decisions that warranted my own forgiveness. But now, in light of the current circumstances... I would say that it's something that I really have to think about, and to do. It's something that I don't really know how to do, however, because I don't really have a lot of experience with it. So I'm only trying now.

But anyway, the purpose of this post is to remind myself that there is something that I've gotta do - to forgive myself.

----------------------------------------------------------

On another issue...

I think... I will strive to make spend each of my days meaningfully - because that is the way that I will feel most at peace with myself. Today was meaningfully spent because I talked to Shu Ning (just small talk, and about our interest and all) and I looked at videos from my past. Even though the time passed by really quickly (like seriously, I can't really believe that it's already 6.25pm now? It was just 9am HAHA I was just waking up in the morning!) - I think this is one of the signs that I am doing the things that matter to me; I am in a state of flow - it is great, because it is time well-spent. I am starting to recall bits and pieces of myself, haha, the bits and pieces which existed before Jonah came along into my life. And I never knew that I had somewhat lost these parts of myself in the past one and a half years of being in a relationship with him. Every time I find back something, I am... hit with a sense of nostalgia, and familiarity at the same time. It's like looking into the face of a stranger who feels so familiar to you, a stranger that you know so much about.

Alright, I ought to go and have dinner with my family now. See you soon :)
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@ 6:03 PM
Jys
Dear blog.

I was looking through the videos of myself on YouTube and I must admit that some of them hold very precious memories haha. Like the video of Sweet performing in Impresario Finals last year. And then I realise that my voice actually sounds not bad on stage. 

Sometimes I wonder where my love for performing has gone off too. Maybe it's because it's been so long since I first started performing; the thrill of performing is not really fresh any more. But when I rewatch these videos again, I am reminded of that adrenaline rush that I have on stage! Whenever people enjoy the music that I made! 

I guess this is going to be what your future career is like. At the start, you will feel so excited that you are doing something that you love. As time passes and you get used to your work, you start noticing the development of a routine, and you start getting bored. But once in a while, something happens that will remind you once again of what made you do this in the first place. And then you persevere on. I think this is what it's like for all careers, honestly speaking. Sometimes you even feel as if you don't wanna do the job - but then you still understand that you wouldn't want anything else as well. Even for a career as loud as singing. You develop skills along the way, sometimes you get really bored, sometimes you get sick of it, but you still develop yourself.

I think I need to give myself some credit for having improved over the past five years. And I am not bad, actually. I am really not bad. 

Jys, girl. That is all I say to you now. 

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Saturday, November 21, 2015 @ 10:22 AM
既来之,则安之
It's only now that I realise what a great positive influence the people of 401 have had, and can have on me. And by "401", I don't really mean the sisterhood girls; by "401", I mean the other people in 401 whom I used to converse with and share my dreams with. Like Xuan Li, Sabrina, Yan Li, Yi Xin, Shu Ning. Shu Ning came as a surprise, because in the past I never really did talk so much with her before, but yesterday she gave me the reasons to look forward to my next three and a half years in NTU. And Yan Li, too.

It seems like I have lost the more positive side of me these past three years because I have stopped being around these amazing people. It might be true that the top five people you spend the most time around will affect you the most. The past three years, the people that I have been around the most include Meiling, and Jonah... Haha maybe that's why my positivity was slowly replaced by cynicism and selfishness and stuff. 

Well, things come and go. That talk yesterday has prodded me to finally start embracing my life here at NTU, because there are many wonderful courses and electives that NTU offers too. Since I am already here, why not exploit all that I can exploit? Like their language courses, their immersion programmes, and their music courses as well :) Life is not as bleak as you made it out to be, my dear. Stop being caged up in your world of sorrow and "what-ifs" and come out to enjoy the place that you are already in today! 

^^
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Friday, November 20, 2015 @ 8:30 PM
Haha "In Your Pocket" by Maroon Five is probably a very good depiction of your emotions that day you read my blog.

I like it now, not because of the words it conveys but because of its rhythm haha.

Just some thoughts to myself yep.

On a side note, I really dislike menstrual camps. I thought they were over for this month but why did they come back again when I was showering :( Was it because I exposed my belly to something very warm? Tsk. Nvm. I've eating another pair of pink tablets again. Since they will be expiring soon any way, might as well eat them.

I can't really concentrate again haha... Just trying to go through the bio LOs again since I can't really seem to do anything else. Actually, if I willed myself to do it, I probably can. But I just need to find the reason why I would want to do it then, which I haven't yet managed to find. Sigh.
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@ 3:52 PM
Afraid
Dear blog,

I am rather concerned by how my hormones seem to affect my mood quite a lot, and I don't know how to control it. I am afraid that one day my hormones will cause me to lose the happiness in my life, and that when that happens I would not know how to find my way back to happiness again. Happy moments seem so few and far between in my life now, compared to previously, when I can feel happy about many different things I see in my life. Now, whenever I feel happy, I would be surprised, because it would have been such a long time since I felt so happy (like two weeks to one month). There must be something wrong with feeling such joy only once every month, isn't it? Compare this with the past few years, when I would feel happy every morning walking to school, walking across the central plaza/quadrangle and looking at the beautiful blue sky ahead.

Is it because I have stopped appreciating the simple things in life? Right now I am feeling happy, but I am wondering if it is because my period has finally come and the "depressing" hormones have gone away?

I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to control my emotions one day, and that I would lose my appreciation of the simple things in life because of that, and stop feeling happy. Because I like to feel happy. I like to feel like my heart is soaring, like simple things can make me smile easily, like my life is in order and is in the way I want it to be. And even if my life may not be how I want it to be, in these moments, I would still feel happy because I know that there will be a way out of this and that no matter what happens to me, I can still enjoy the process. I miss this feeling. I miss experiencing it frequently. I don't know what causes me to feel this. I haven't figured out how to continuously feel it. Or incorporate it into my life.

Dear blog, thanks for being here for me to write out my thoughts in. I think I would probably go crazy if I bottle all of these thoughts up in my head with nowhere to let them out. Even if some of the thoughts I have are inconsequential. Even if they are somewhat insignificant, I am still glad to have a place to write them out. And even though I know that probably not many people are reading these posts of mine, the probability that someone will read them still exists, because the blog is open after all, and some people do know the address of this blog. So I feel better this way. And maybe in a way I'm speaking to my future self too - so even if nobody else is reading the blog, at least I know that my future self might one day read it :)

Alright, time to go and study Chemistry, see you~
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Wednesday, November 18, 2015 @ 10:19 AM
Everybody has the right to dream; a City of Gold awaits
It's nice how I'm in this state again now where I can appreciate love stories and dream that someday amazing things like this will happen to me. It's nice how I can find myself hoping now, and looking towards a brighter future where beautiful things await me :) And when I read stories of different couples I can imagine a situation in the future when I could find someone who will do that to me. Yay my youthful innocence is back hahahaha! I feel like I am still untainted by past sorrows, and am still ever hopeful as usual. Which is so great!!! How long has it been since I last felt like this????! A year???! I feel quite happy living with myself like that, actually!

Turns out that I am still a hopeless romantic after all. 

Practicality still holds true - but this doesn't mean that we must necessarily sacrifice everything else to gain a stable relationship. 

I was too extreme in my past two relationships haha, leaning towards both sides too much...

Now that I've found this part of myself again... this side of myself shouldn't be lost unless there is a good reason for it to be lost, because it makes me happy.

And now that I've found this part of myself again it's time to go study biochemistry while listening to awesome music hahaha. I love how I'm still appreciating the simple stuff in life.

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Monday, November 16, 2015 @ 5:33 PM
能飞就要凌空 争霸万里 勇敢做梦
I've lost count of the number of hours I've spent alone, studying for upcoming examinations. For thirteen years I have been schooling. Since around 3-4 years ago, I started going to the library or to conducive environments to study. To read through my notes, and everything. Each year, at typical times, a sense of deja vu will hit me as I go back to familiar places to study. 

What is the reason behind all this? There must be a reason why I keep studying. In the past it used to be because I wanted to do well for the examinations and get good grades because that was what was expected out of me, as a student. During A Levels I studied because I told myself that this was the last time I had to study so hard for something, even though there were many times when I already lost sight of the reason behind why I wanted to study. And so the reason became: it was the last time that I needed to sit for a national examination anyway, and after this I will finally be able to do what I wanted to do, so why not give it my all for now. And so I studied, and yes, I got my straight As, yada yada yada. 

Why do I study now? Because I want to keep the scholarship given to me. I am finding fewer and fewer reasons to put in so much effort for the things that don't matter to me any more. For instance, molecular orbital theory... Haha. Seriously, this is one thing that I really don't care about. Plus it will not affect my grades too much even if I don't understand it in detail. So I really have absolutely no motivation to do it, hahaha.... 

At least I can still feel myself being interested in some of the things that are being taught to me. That is a relief, honestly speaking, if not I really have no idea how I'm going to last through these four years in NTU. 

I know that there is still something else that I want to achieve with my life... And this something else is not working in the laboratory to discover a new strain of bacteria, or how the brain works, or whatever. Indeed, these few things mentioned above are of some interest to me - but not as much as the other thing that I want to achieve: 

I want to touch others with my music... 我要用音乐感动别人。

This reason is a really simple reason, really. But it is the reason behind my obsession with music over the past few years. And the reason why I can never give up on music; the reason I can use to motivate myself to learn music. I am still unable to forget the feeling I had when conducting the 50-strong Guzheng Ensemble for Nanyang Festival of Arts 2011. It has made such a deep impact on me... I remember being backstage just before it was our turn to go on stage and whispering words of excitement to my ensemble members to hype them up to perform their best in front of the audience. I remember the many times I feel so awed by our music during practice, not only for those songs that I was conducting for but also for the other songs that I am a part of the ensemble for. I cannot forget all these... Even after a semester of being in NTU. Even after two years of studying for A Levels, and after convincing myself to come to NTU instead of going to Berklee. 

And I also feel like I need to know once and for all whether Science is more of my passion or Music is more of my passion haha. Whilst I am here, immersed in Science, I might long for Music. But perhaps when I am immersed in Music, I will long for Science. But how do these two longings compare with each other? Which is stronger? I need to find out... 

This is something I want to do with my life, you see. It is something I want to achieve, for myself.

And even having this goal is good enough; I am thankful. I have something to work towards. 

Meanwhile, I will continue seizing the opportunities that I have here, where I am now, like joining Piano Ensemble. Dear God, please let there be interesting music modules in NIE which I can take. Please let me be able to take them, too, as a UE. 

Please. Thank you. 

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Sunday, November 15, 2015 @ 9:23 PM
On a side note

EVERY TIME WE TOUCH BY CASCADA REMINDS ME OF GOH KAY VIN HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
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@ 3:14 PM
Reflections
After coming to uni I realised that there are many people like me, and many people much more zai than me in the things that I am good at and that I used to stand out in. I say "used to stand out in" because in front of these people, I no longer stand out using the same traits haha. Yep, I may be one of the best in singing and performing and all the other stuff like emceeing in hwachong - like, people know me as the person whom they always see on stage - but in NTU there are people who can do all these things as well - and they do it better than me. Haha. So in a sense, what used to define me in HC can no longer define me here. Or rather, the same traits are not able to allow me to stand out from the crowd, because there are people who can do all these things at the same time as well, and do all these things better than me. Two examples are Ching Yi from SBS and Sabrina from Crescent haha. For these people who are more zai than me, I can only say that they are the people whom I both respect and somewhat fear. They feel intimidating to me to a certain extent, haha. Like I don't really know what sort of person I can be around them, since they are a more zai version of the type of person that I usually am around other people, you know? So I feel rather cautious when I interact with them, and I tend to stay some distance away from them. 

Oh well.

Time to read some matlab notes as a break from Physics. 

See yah!

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Sunday, November 8, 2015 @ 10:12 PM
I'm at that stage now where I can't wait for finals to be over! Then I can do the other things that I wanna do like bond more with the CNYang people hahaha like bake with Darren in hall or something LOL and then watch movies and stuff. It'd be fun :) But before that happens, we'll have to study for finals! It's really good that I am feeling this anticipation, actually, because it means that I would have more motivation to study xD And it's only two weeks away and there are actually things for me to study so I feel better than when I was studying for A Levels lol that one is really very hard to find motivation sia. 

Ok ok time to go learn about electrochemistry!

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Thursday, November 5, 2015 @ 2:24 AM
the start of something new
I've made quite a few good friends here in school - people whom you can hang out with, talk to, and whose company you actually enjoy. Crescent Acapella is one of them haha. And then Alenson too. I think we have a chance at becoming good friends ;) There are things that we could do together lah, things that the other people around us i.e. CNYang people are less likely to try, like lol smoking/drinking/clubbing/playing and stuff. And in a way we could be really good friends haha. But definitely not lovers LOL I'm quite sure of that cause we don't have what the both of us are looking for in a partner - which is great, actually! Saves a lot of confusion and time-wasting feelings. Yeah we could be goods friends.

I'm happy, actually.
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Wednesday, November 4, 2015 @ 12:59 AM
Skinny Love
Having my daily music therapy now

Adele's Hello resonates somewhat

And recently I started listening to 以后别做朋友 too haha. Reminds me somewhat of how you used to sing it quite often just that I never really went to get to know the song and all.

I'm happier now lah, haha. Although I'm still shying away from any instances of romance and all.

I am definitely not ready yet.

So I feel very relieved somewhat, haha, when A told me he liked a girl in school hahaha (shall not type out his full name here cause later some CNYang people stalk this blog then realise lol although that is kinda unlikely)

And sometimes I would think about some of the times we had, and I would miss the feeling of passion. You know? Of having somebody hold you so tight, as if you're the only thing that really matters in the world, and yet it will never be tight enough. That feeling of not being able to get enough of the other person. And then both of you are just gasping and grasping at each other -

Yes, I do miss that feeling sometimes. That feeling of knowing that somebody wants you, and you want him too. I missed it just now, when I was walking back to hall from canteen 1 just now.

Yes, I miss that passion. And hahaha, you're right, what's in my mind now is that night after we watched About Time. That night really left a deep impression in my head.

And LOL Yi Pin and Darren just knocked on my door to pay me a visit to pass their lab reports to me haha to submit tomorrow morning. And I was like damn unglam lol never even wear a bra or anything but whatever HAHA I'm actually quite glad that people even remember me and chose to come to me to help them do some things :))

Okay I ought to go to sleep soon. After this song I guess! See you :)
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Monday, November 2, 2015 @ 11:45 PM
Reminders
Hahaha NTU student Goh Hui Ting. 

Guess I'm growing into my role here nicely. 

Once again I'm glad I joined Crescent Acapella. It's something you won't see me really grumbling about when I do it, not now that I have discovered our potential and made some quite good friends there. And now that I am letting myself be more cheerful. Become the Hui Ting I used to be again. The more cheerful, laughing, attractive, bright girl. 

I like being that me because it would bring laughter to the people around me as well. 

I haven't seen that me in three years. 

Yep, NTU student Goh Hui Ting. 

Don't you ever give up on being bright, girl. 

Give the people around you a chance - to get close to you, and to see that you too. Because some of them are really good, and you are good too, dear. Don't wall yourself up; don't you ever give up on building and finding wonderful relationships. 



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