some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Saturday, October 31, 2015 @ 10:31 PM
Faith
It takes a long time for me to change. Ting Ting said that I am strong. That I am one of the strongest friends she knows. Haha, man... I hope that that is true. I choose to believe that it is true. And the Treecko seniors say that I am very confident and daring and wild. And I choose to believe that, too. Because those things happen when I am not consciously trying to hold back myself. And they happen when unexpected situations to me. And they constantly happen. They've been constantly happening in my life. So they should be the traits that are defining me, to some extent.

I will be the head group leader for Crescent FOC next year. I will take on the responsibility. I will not be lazy.

I will seize the chance to nurture my leadership abilities which I have been neglecting since Primary School.

It's taken me three months to somewhat come back to myself again. To start on the route to come back to myself again. I don't know when the product will be completed, but at least now - now I know that I am already starting on this route, although I cannot confidently say that I will definitely be okay. I am not completely back yet, but I can say that there is hope. I see some instances of light. And indication. And that is all that matters.

See you on the other side - the side with a better me.


P.S. I like to do things efficiently, and with a purpose. I have missed doing this.
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@ 10:25 PM
I am happier now :)

I am coming back
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Wednesday, October 28, 2015 @ 11:10 PM
Remembrance
I feel like I have already forgotten how being devastated feels like even though it occurred only one month ago. That's humans for you, I guess. Always coming back to our base line of happiness. Things that seemed so terrible at the point in time will slowly seem less and less terrible as the memory of it ages. And things that made us feel so happy will slowly become more and more normal as the memories of them age as well. Haha it's only when I saw that photo of the encouragement note I wrote to Nicole that I remember how raw I felt on Monday, 28 September 2015...

Here's a picture of that note. So that you will have a record of it next time. And remember, dear. Remember that compassion you felt. That strength. That understanding and empathy for other people while you were going through hell of your own.

Don't forget that.


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Sunday, October 25, 2015 @ 7:25 PM
I miss you.

This is a fact.

You know how people tend to get over break ups by convincing themselves that the other party is screwed up and not worth the time anyway? I think that's a somewhat cowardly way to think, because you are not admitting that you might be at fault too. And it discounts the other party so much. You think of that person as somebody you will never go near again due to all these screwed-up parts of them but that's just you not daring to admit that you lost something good in your life.

-

8.09 PM
Sigh. 
I'm feeling stressed again. 
I really need to remember that I am not learning for the sake of passing exams. I am learning because it is great to know new things and assimilate new knowledge. I have no obligation to force myself to learn for the sake of passing exams. 

How can I become a more effective person whose actions are more aligned with my principles?


-

What do I most want to do now? 
I'd like to ride a bike on the highway and just keep riding without caring about where I am going. Just ride. I am alone and free, and nothing can catch up to me. 

What can I do? Sometimes what I want to do is not something that I can do, or should do. It might not be something that is beneficial to me... 

Like I want to call you now but I know that it will probably not end up productive in any sense. 

I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you and talk to you, have you listen to me about my rants and shit.

But nope. I gave up that liberty when I stopped giving you a chance. Which was stupid on my part, even though it did make me realise the negative sides of our relationship. But it can't be justified in this way lah. The truth is that I made the choice to stop giving you a chance because of my inexperience with love. And this is wholly my mistake. 

-

Sometimes I really wish that you are not reading my blog but sometimes I wish that you are reading my blog too. Not reading my blog because some of the things that I write here may disgust you or make you look down on me further. Or that some of the things I write here are written based on the impulse of the moment (which is what I do often, as I understand now, and as you understand much better than me too...) but in that moment I do feel all these things. Can this fact justify my posts though? The fact that I feel something strongly at the moment... Does it mean that the posts are justified? That they should exist? Even though my opinions may change?

Well fuck. Will I be making it too hard on myself if I feel that they cannot be justified, haha... Humans make mistakes. Humans change. This is inevitable. But at the same time we also cannot use this inevitability to justify our mistakes. We can't just say that, oh, humans will always make mistakes and so it is acceptable to make a mistake. 

So on what basis should I judge all these things upon then? My principles, I guess... 

Still in the process of figuring out what principles I want to adopt as my core principles. But they undoubtedly include caring for people who care for me and integrity (being honest to myself).

Okay see you. 
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Friday, October 23, 2015 @ 10:02 PM
ごめんなさい。。。ごめんなさい

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Thursday, October 22, 2015 @ 2:16 AM
Let's make a list of where my body hurts.

- Both asses.
- "Under" thighs of both legs.
- Inner thighs
- Biceps
- Triceps
- That muscle that is situated on the outer side of your shin. Hurts when you point your toes.

Well.

It's quite shiok, actually.

I guess I should eat more protein now.

- this was from bball training last night, of course.
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@ 2:06 AM
Normal.
What a night man! Seriously, what a night hahaha... Or should I say, what a day? This was the most content day I've had in a long while - like maybe a few months. I can't remember the last time I felt so happy and relaxed. Actually I can, haha, it was before I got into university. I should say, I ca't remember the last time I felt happy enough to want to write in my happiness diary. Damn. But my happiness diary is not with me now, so.

I guess the best part of the day was the CNYang Improvised Acting workshop haha! It was really wonderful. It was the first time since I entered university that I felt so happy and relaxed, not caring about anything else and any other commitments that I have, just enjoying myself and letting go in that two hours. Man. And it was the first time that I laughed so much in such a short period of time too. Even the freshmen orientation camps didn't make me feel as relaxed as this... It was really great. Such an amazing de-stressor. It's like in that 2.5 hours, you forget that you have any other obligations and you just immerse yourself totally in this new activity that you are doing with your friends. And there is also no obligation to do well for the activity or anything - the main aim is to have fun. And relax. Damn, it brings me back to the days in JC and high school when we had all these different types of workshops and sabbaticals! Yes, sabbaticals! I realised how much I have missed that feeling of doing an activity together with a group of people in school, that is not actually related to academics. I can't put it into words... Lol like whatever I type now feels like it's not enough or not right enough to describe what I'm feeling haha.

And then after that... LOL what a night. Went out to the bikers' gathering, wtf hahaha. It was on a whim, actually. Partially because I was already so relaxed today, after the improv workshop. So I decided to go when they jioed. And yeah, of course, I have no bike and so somebody had to pillion me lol. But he was kind enough to pillion me lah.

Seriously though... These bikers' gatherings. It's exactly like what they show in tv shows and stuff LOL. All those thick class 2 sports bikes. Fuckkkk hahaha but yeah they all smoke lah. And towards the middle half the group like started inhaling some intense smoke thing from some metal device that smelled very sweet when they exhaled it out. Fuck maybe it's like some sort of drug lmao but yeah. I guess this is what it's like lol.

Honestly speaking, not really my type of thing but it was a good experience... And I realise that I am really quite guai after all. I stick to the... Most guai side of things bah. Or more like. I don't see a point in smoking and riding and spending a lot of money on bikes lol because there are other things in my life which I want to pursue too. So. Difference in perspectives yeah. But of course sometimes I do  let myself do some of these things too, just not all the time. Cause I know that there is something else that I want from life lol.

Anyway time to go to sleep I am really quite shag liao LOL wtf it's 2 am but okayyyy SEEYAH.

Oh yeah forgot to mention. I cooked ABC soup with steamed egg and rice for Rachel Teo and myself for lunch in the afternoon and it was good :)) Cause we added ikan bilis powder to the soup then it tasted damn good LOL I guess that's how you get the flavour out. And then went to play basketball and train our lay-ups because yes, I have decided that I will focus on basketball and acapella for the rest of this semester. So yep.

Okay sleep. Gnight!
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Monday, October 19, 2015 @ 8:54 PM
What I miss is our friendship. 
Or maybe it is just the presence of someone who understands me.
Is this what giving up on a romantic relationship necessarily entails? That you lose a friend too?


Lol I think I am just PMSing.
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Sunday, October 18, 2015 @ 9:31 AM
If you ever feel overwhelmed
I must rethink my perspective on studying. Somehow I feel like each time I go back to school and begin a hectic week of learning more new things, exams, and having a balance with all that via my CCAs and dinners and suppers and having a "life", I will forget what I set out to do in the first place. I will be too influenced by the people around me and lose my original perspective on my university life. So yep, here I am, back again, to reread and review the conclusion I came to during recess week.

Right now I find that I am doing things for the sake of passing the upcoming exams. I am rushing to reach the deadlines, cramming information into my head because the exams are coming. And this is rather screwed up because after a while, I simply cannot stand this type of behaviour any more and something inside of me bursts without me knowing and then I break down, wishing that I had gone to Berklee instead. But the same outcome would arise lol if I didn't manage myself properly based on my principles... So yeah.

The truth is I cannot stand - and have always been unable to stand - studying for the sake of studying and passing examinations. That is rather worthless to me. If I had been doing that through the years I would not have been able to remember the concepts I learnt during A Levels which I remember now. But somehow out of desperation (?) I am turning to that now. And as such I really cannot find any motivation to continue studying after a while because I already know, innately, that exams seriously don't matter to me lol.

So I gotta change my point of view of looking at things. Be guided by my internal principle of learning for the sake of curiosity, and stop being affected by the people around me. Especially the CNYang people. Not that what they are doing are wrong, but that the way they do things cannot bring out the best in me. So I cannot let myself be influenced by them.

Yep I guess that's all for this topic haha.

Moving on...

I have also realised that one of my greatest weaknesses is not being able to logically decide what is the best for myself on the spot. This was illustrated many times in the past few months, actually, when I was presented the opportunity to do different things, learn different things in school. Especially hall CCAs and everything. There were many things that I wanted to try out, and in another dimension perhaps I would have time to try out all of them. But not now. In that moment when I am making the decision, though, I usually rush things, fearing that if I didn't make the decision then, that opportunity would be lost. And so I don't think too deeply about how the decision is going to affect me, and instead just imagine all the good sides of it without weighing it against the not-so-good sides too. But the thing is... I simply do not have the time to try out everything, yet maintain my other goals in life as well. Thus I'll have to prioritise. Think deeply about what is really important to me, and what I don't actually need to know. Does the activity fit in with my principles, and with my goal in this four years? If not, it will just be a distraction from other things which matter to me more.

The world is full of distractions... It is especially true now in university, when you are presented with so many options and opportunities. It's not like JC any more. In JC once you chose a CCA, you can only stick to it for the two years. But here, you can choose to join another CCA the next semester, and the next, and the next. Because of the way I function, I keep jumping from one exciting possibility to the next, without continuation. And then in the end I wouldn't really achieve anything.

Before I came to uni I already made the decision, isn't it? And the decision was made at a time I was not bogged down by other commitments, and I could think more logically and clearly without any distractions. I made the decision to come here and focus on music as my side interest. So I shouldn't be taking up other things that take up so much of my time but which don't really help me in becoming the person I want to be. So yep, time to say no to Hockey, FloraWall, Darts, Snooker. Lol.

Basketball and Acapella should be enough to keep me occupied for the rest of this semester. And then I will have to decide whether I want to go to Piano Ensemble or Chinese Orchestra. Gotta weigh the pros and cons of both, and then come to a logical decision. Though as of now the decision seems to be leaning more towards Piano Ensemble haha. Because it can teach me/force me to read/practise reading scores and also teach me more about piano, which is something that I have been wanting to really learn. And it also provides me with performance opportunities. During which I can showcase my other musical skills like singing and guzheng. For Chinese Orchestra though, yes, I will be able to learn how to play a different Chinese instrument there, most probably 笛子. Reading scores.. I already know how to read numbers, so, haha. But the main reason why I wanted to go there in the first place was that I missed playing in an ensemble/orchestra, and wanted to experience it again. But logically speaking, that can wait. In light of the other things that I want to do. That can wait, haha. Plus it's not like I really want to learn 笛子 in-depth. More of just learn how to play it, learn a few tricks with it so that I can incorporate it into my music knowledge next time. Yep. Piano should still be my main, if I want to be exposed to more types of music and instruments in future.

Okay. That was logical. Which is good. Because I am convinced. Yep.

Time to go eat breakfast! I hope that if I ever get confused again I will come back to read this post again.


JYs, Hui Ting.
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Saturday, October 10, 2015 @ 11:40 AM
Growth!
Lol honestly speaking... I can feel myself growing a lot in uni. I keep growing haha. Cause my limits keep being challenged. And I am forced to keep adapting, and learning.

So far I feel that college has really been one of the most fulfilling periods in my life. It has made me grow so much O: given me so many new experiences! And I am quite thankful for it. What I've experienced in this two months is like what I experience in a year in JC haha. Or maybe even more than a year. I don't think my limits were challenged to this extent in JC. Yeah, actually, they weren't, hahaha, because the academics portion did not really force me to go beyond my limits. It was still manageable. So I always had something unfailing to fall back on even if the other parts of my life are screwed up. But here I really learn how to manage myself, and all. Because sometimes even the things that I used to think I am good at, I become not-that-good at them here haha. So I have to find other ways to validate myself, to learn how to find my own worth. From the inside.

I can't believe that only two months have passed since we started college lol. Seriously if NS is the period in which males experience the most emotional growth, then college will be the period in which I experience the most emotional growth haha. Although I can't generalise it to all females lah. For me, so far, this has been how it is. Maybe it is because I stay in hall also.

Oh man, I am quite glad for the experiences which I have had, and which I am having.

Alright, time to go study Math :)
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Friday, October 9, 2015 @ 3:10 PM
thank /you/
I want to remember that moment during the wedding. In May this year. When we performed. When Shu Ning sang Make You Feel My Love. And Jonah played the piano. That moment when the doors opened and the couple walked in! I want to remember the wonderful times we spent in O'lando studio practising. The beautiful music we created. The feeling of being a team. Even that period during which we thought that Ye Yixin couldn't make it to the airport in time from OCS. And that moment when he appeared. And then the wonderful music we played for the couple.

So beautiful

I want to remember you playing the piano so beautifully so many times. When I can't help but be in awe of you, you zai shit. Haha. 

And Shu Ning's wonderful voice.

And the fact that we were a team :')

It was really beautiful. It was one of the most amazing and beautiful periods in my life. 
One of the most beautiful memories. 
Even though the six of us may not know each other that well. 
We have been connected by our memories. The time we spent together. 
This group... Is another significant group in my life. Along with 401, and the sisterhood girls. 

I feel happy whenever I think of the times we spent together, and whenever we spend time together. 

I do love this group of people. It's one of the few groups in which I feel I truly belong to, in my life. A group which I feel proud to be a part of. And a group which I have really significantly contributed to, not like I'm just there for show and haven't really done anything.
Even if we may not have a chance to perform together ever again. Since Shu Ning is probably going overseas, and the split between Jonah and me haha. 
Until maybe one day in the far future. Like twenty years later. When I stumble upon my memories again. And I contact the few of you. And we try to perform together again. 
It will be nice. 

-

And then you realise that the best things in life come as a result of serendipity. 

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Thursday, October 8, 2015 @ 12:55 AM
I know that these things take time.

And it's probably best for me to not continue contacting you nor talking to you or leave 'secret messages' for you all over my social media websites and my blog or whatever it is that I like to do. Although by now I think you have stopped perusing my blog. Which is good, actually; it's better for the both of us.

I hope you find happiness... I really do. And I'd like to be your friend again. But this can only happen sometime far into the future. So...

Well.
再见了,朋友。
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Wednesday, October 7, 2015 @ 2:33 PM
Performing Arts...!
I really miss playing an instrument in an ensemble. Or an orchestra. I realised that we students in Singapore are quite blessed, in the sense that CCA was such a large part of our lives in secondary and primary school. It exposes us to such good quality activities... Because the instructors hired are really good... ><

I feel quite blessed to have been able to join Guzheng Ensemble in Nanyang and be a student conductor, no less, haha.

And I realised that I really need to perform. Something in me feels really empty when I don't get the chance to perform. Like, it's already ingrained in me haha. Every year, I have to perform at least once. I have been doing that since Primary 2, in fact... Man. I miss it so much. I think I will join Chinese Orchestra instead of Piano Ensemble next semester haha. And note: it's next semester, not next year. Because I don't want to procrastinate and waste any more time man. The good thing is that they accept a lot of beginners every semester. And I can learn another instrument :) In Chinese Orchestra! And it won't be too hard for me either. Cause I don't have to learn how to read English scores from scratch LOLLL we'll be dealing with numbers here haha, something I've gotten so familiar with over the past... >10 years. Yep okay. Shall continue studying now.
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@ 12:06 AM
我不难过

This pierces my heart somewhat.

On a lighter note. Was listening to my Guzheng cover of Animals lol wtf and laughing at myself haha like how can people actually like it LOLLL it's not like it's good LOLLL I can't even.

Okay but I'm still glad for the support lah, definitely.

I just spent like 3+ hours on music haha. From acapella practice to recording the 我不难过 cover. Although I know I should be sleeping but whatever I'm glad I finally took some action and recorded a cover. Read a post on Facebook just now and it spoke volumes to me about my greatest weakness in the past haha. Which is the failure to act due to my fear of failing. Because I was so afraid that my creations would suffer from a lot of criticisms and so I don't create at all. So that there's no chance for people to criticise me. But yeah I'm overcoming that now; it doesn't limit me so much now because I learnt this year that I have so many other limitations haha. No time to think about shit like not being courageous enough to act. Haha. So that's good, I guess. That's one good thing that uni has trained me to do.

Alright, gtg to sleep. See you again sometime.
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Saturday, October 3, 2015 @ 10:59 AM
It's the wrong timing for us now, my dear. 
Maybe in future when we'd both changed, we'll have a chance.

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Friday, October 2, 2015 @ 1:44 PM
Limits
Dear blog,

I almost broke down again just now because I found out that I couldn't understand Physics. And Math. And I felt so overwhelmed because I feel like I had to do all these, complete all these things before recess week ended because I am just obliged to do so and not doing so will result in a very terrible situation. It's like I'm forcing myself to learn at a pace that is far too quick for me. Finishing the tutorials and understanding a concept in a very short period of time.

I realised that I have been putting too much pressure on myself because there were too many things that I wanted to do. I wanted to do well in school, and learn new concepts that I can understand well (and not just 死背). I wanted to spend more time with my family at the same time because my goal for this four years is to learn as much as I can, because it is free education, free knowledge and I should make full use of it, but it doesn't mean that I should lose sight of what else is important in my life. And my family, my mum, is especially important to me. I wanted to have time to develop my music passion too, playing the piano, singing. I wanted to have time to myself to do some things that don't have any greater reason besides doing them. Like filling in the colouring books. I wanted to be healthy at the same time, and exercise or else I will feel lethargic. I wanted to spend time with my friends too and cultivate my relationships because they are another important part of who I am. A subset of this is that I wanted to continue holding on to my relationship with Jonah and not put all the work we've done in the past 1.5 years, of getting to know each other, to waste, because we do know each other. Even if we do not remain as lovers. We could remain as friends. How can two people who know each other so well just walk away and pretend the other never existed? I don't know how millions of ex-lovers do that... He will always be a part of me. And I am willing to put effort into continuing the relationship too. I wanted to. I wanted to find a reason for myself to continue holding on, and therefore continue holding on, to change my perspective again and again to find a new reason as to why I should continue loving him. Being there for him if he ever needs it. Because after knowing him I know that he is somebody who does not open up easily to others... And I wanted to leave some positive impact in his life. In some way or another. Since I was given the privilege to know him. And I know that I can never revolve around him and continue loving him well at the same time because there are more sides to me. But if I take care of these other sides of me I will be able to give more to him, to love him better. I wanted, therefore, to take these few years in uni to learn how to manage myself better so that I can love him better. But at the same time I wanted him to know that this is what I am doing now and ask him to wait, wait for a better me who can love him but in order to convince him to wait I have to do some things now like writing him letters, etc, to show that I am sincere.

Well I just spent half of that uber long paragraph above talking about Jonah lol. But okay whatever.

The thing is... In spite of all these wants, I realised that a person simply does not have the capability to achieve so many things at the same time. And there is no reason why I should feel so terrible about myself about not being able to achieve so many things. Sure, maybe after more time has passed and I have gone through more things and learnt more, I can understand how to split my time better to do things more efficiently and achieve more within the same period of time. But for now... I simply do not possess the capability to do that. To achieve all of the things that I wanted to achieve above. I can work towards becoming a more efficient me. I can choose to do that. But for now, I simply cannot do it, no matter how much I will myself to do it. Do you understand what I mean? This is the limitation bestowed upon all of us at every point in time, I guess.. And I am starting to understand it.

So... I cannot be too greedy. There are times when, even if you want something, and are willing to work towards it, you will not be able to get it because there are just too many things that you want. You have to decide what is important to you... And most of the time it's not what you want, but what you want the most that matters. Because these are the things that you will strive the hardest for and that you will be able to achieve, because you are willing to strive so hard for them. Achieve within what time period... That one I cannot say lah, haha.

But yeah. Writing out this post has made me feel a lot better. Partially because I managed to calm my heart down and complete a Physics tutorial too, before I started writing this post.

Alright then. Time for lunch. It's almost 2pm already, haha, I postponed my lunch to type out the thoughts that I had in my head.

See you!
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Thursday, October 1, 2015 @ 3:11 PM
Goodbye.
This is when I start to find back myself instead of defining myself in terms of you.
Although theoretically, there is nothing wrong with defining myself in terms of you.
But I choose to believe that defining myself in terms of you is not what I want because it will not bring me the most... effectiveness. Happiness. Etc.

This is goodbye, then.

Goodbye. To the both of us...
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@ 12:43 PM
Again
Ah, scratch what I wrote in the letter.

We were not incompatible. We were just unwilling to give up more of ourselves for the other party.

And that's perfectly acceptable, of course.

I understand yet another perspective now.

All relationships can work out - it's just how much of yourself you are willing to give up in the process. For some pairings, either party would just sandpaper off a bit of the other, like how Hao Lin will put it. But for other pairings, a huge part of both parties would be changed. Or maybe a huge part of one person changes, while the other person remains unchanged. Either way. Sandpapering has to be done.

That's all. There's no conclusion, lol.

The conclusion is that even after all these supposed epiphanies I still feel the same way I did.

-

Sometimes I wonder why I think so much and why I don't just fuck all this shit and do what I want to do lol.

Sigh.
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@ 11:45 AM
This was me, in a way.


But nope. Nope, nope, nope. 

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