& not-so deep secrets
huiting says hi
Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:
This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.
Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.
Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)
人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.
more of me
Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Tuesday, September 29, 2015 @ 12:17 PMI don't know why I keep listening to 你好吗, haha. It's like an aching pain to me whenever I hear it, but at the same time a balm to my soul. I know I will feel an aching sadness, but there is something about the sadness which draws me to it.
Lol starting to sound like a depressed person now wth.
Okay, it's not like the sadness draws me in. But it doesn't repel me too - it's not something that I will cringe away from and block out of my life.
And my memories of us and thoughts of you are the same haha. I don't cringe away from them, and I won't try to forget them. There is a... beautiful kind of sadness to it. Knowing that I have tried and knowing that this is really the best way forward for now.
See you again, some time. back to top?
Monday, September 28, 2015 @ 8:03 AMToday morning I woke up, and immediately that flood of emotions took over, and I succumbed to it. I don't recall exactly what I dreamt of. It didn't really have a direct link to my life but even in my dreams, it felt like I was contemplating my options, and making a decision. It was as if sleep was just a reprieve, because on one hand I don't exactly remember much from my sleep, but on the other hand reality sunk in so deeply that I have no way of convincing myself that it did not happen.
It was also as if Hao Lin's words really got through to me, finally, the things he was trying to say.
He makes me think clearer. Amazingly. Even though we took two hours to exhaust pretty much my entire thought process and all the possibilities.
I feel like going back to bed...
But then again, no, not really.
What I need now is a hot shower.
Sometimes there is no point in grieving for the good times lost because you are not taking the full picture into consideration. Sometimes sadness is indeed unwarranted.
It goes against my instincts to say that, but it is true. Maybe it's time for a paradigm shift on my part.
And sometimes the best way forward is really just
Letting go.back to top?
@ 7:53 AMWhen you lose somebody, it will be as if a whole world is lost. A whole future would have been lost.
You will feel like a part of yourself has died - the part of you whom you were meant to have progressed into before you lost that future for it to develop in.
Right now I feel as if my heart has been staked by a thick wooden shaft. This is how things have progressed for us. And there are some things which, even if we try our hardest for, will not be guaranteed. Would it be wise for us to strive for it, then? Would it be better, in this circumstance, to conserve our energy and wait for a better thing to strive for?
I don't know if you had loved me enough, or if you were even capable of loving me enough. The most logical thing would be to back out now - realise that the shit that I am tempted to do is not worth the effort - but there is a part of me that hopes, as always.
Maybe it is time to stop caring.
Or rather, make a list.
Life goes on. back to top?
Saturday, September 26, 2015 @ 5:56 PM
May beYiruma rings of a quiet sadness and yearning too. It depends on how you feel when you are listening to it. The type of mood that you are in. It reminds me of Studio Ghibli's songs sometimes. Most of the time it reminds me of a person taking a solitary walk through the forest with light rain drizzling down. Or of somebody sitting in a darkened room and staring out at the rain outside the window. In this case the rain would be quite heavy. And the house is dark. And the person has a hand tucked under her head as she thinks and reflects about the things going on in her life.
Tomorrow is Sunday.
Will tomorrow be the day?
Passing By - Yirumaback to top?
Friday, September 25, 2015 @ 1:12 PM
Can you still love me?What is love?
I'll know my thoughts better once I talk to Hao Lin on Sunday afternoon back to top?
Tuesday, September 22, 2015 @ 7:46 PM
Quiet timesI like songs which have a quiet sadness to them. They're like a quiet acceptance of the inevitable... Although they are tinged with sadness, they don't ring out with drama and exaggeration. I don't know if this is grammatically accurate haha but it's kinda how I'd like to describe these songs.
I've found a nice place to sit, be quiet and reflect. In the darkness of the night, with no garish lights shining onto my face. The canteen is on the other side of the lake haha. Society feels far away in this spot. I'm sitting on a bench in a pavilion overlooking the lake with my legs up on the bench and my back against one of its pillars. The people who pass by this place are few and far between. It's mainly cars that drive by. And even if people do pass by, they are sufficiently far enough that they will not look on me with curiousity. It's a great spot, actually, when you want to have some fresh air and see some nature but get away from people and noise at the same time. But the best thing is that there's still wifi here! I'm pretty surprised, actually. And OMG I just realised that Apple finally changed their keyboard design such that it's not confusing between lower-case and upper-case letters now! Good for you, Apple.
Anyway. I realised that my introvert side has been showing itself rather strongly today. Even during lunch and while we are traveling to different locations for our different classes. Usually I'll still talk to people and make an attempt at socialising. But not today... Maybe it's because I've been feeling really overwhelmed by school and life these few days. So I avoid meaningless chatter with others in order not to add on useless information to my already-stressed mind.
Oh, someone else has just joined me here in the pavilion lol but it's okay because we're both just doing our own things and essentially not bothering the other. And we're not facing each other too and so that's a great thing also.
Anyway. I'm starting to come to a decision regarding some things which have been plaguing me over the past few weeks. The general direction is there. And I'm surprised by how long I took to even come to a semblance of a decision! Two months... But I guess that's how it works. We need to lose ourselves completely before we find ourselves back. I'm starting to feel more like myself again. The transition period to university is hopefully coming to an end... It has passed its climax, I'm sure. So we're more than halfway across already haha.
Okay. It's time for me to enjoy a few more songs before going back to civilisation.
I'll update you when I have made my decision. When I become more sure.
back to top?
Saturday, September 19, 2015 @ 2:35 PM你好吗？
－周杰伦back to top?
Sunday, September 13, 2015 @ 1:49 PMGetting a little of sick of studying now. Does it mean that I am already starting to burn out from school? Haha yeah... It's been one month. And already I feel so overwhelmed. This is really probably not a good sign. Haha... I feel like I have no motivation to continue. Which is bad. I feel like I am doing stuff not because it is interesting but because I am forced to do it. Which is really bad lol. Is this the definition of being burnt out? Sigh. Too much Math and Physics for this week; I am at my limit already lol. I guess I can still read Bio. But well. Maybe I really need to do some things to destress haha. Okay, I should go shower now first and then say.
Maybe I was just trying to take control of too many things within my life when I really do not have the capability to do so. back to top?
@ 11:38 AM
On the route back to balanceIf you've been living too long in a state of self-suppression or self-denial, the truth will hurt like fuck when it comes. It will crash and burn you. It will liberate you like you've never been liberated before, and you might sway off course just because you were too unbalanced for far too long.
That's what I'm going through now. back to top?
Monday, September 7, 2015 @ 1:52 PM
DANCE???Hahaha I think I might be pretty screwed nowadays. Clubbing/dance music seems to wake me up very well LOL like I will naturally groove to it and become more alert whenever it plays. Is this a sign that I am slowly turning into a clubber?! Party animal?! Yes, I realize that these few days I seem to be less opposed to clubbing LOL like I kinda like it. Is it because I have no restrictions on me now? And am more open to the possibilities which clubbing offer? LOL. Even though I am freaking tired now like from lack of sleep and the hangovers don't feel very nice I don't hate these two downsides to clubbing as much. Fuck lol I might be turning into a party animal haha. The only thing I need to do now is to find somebody willing to go to club with me haha. But I guess the SBS people are okay with it. Like zhijun they all. Jun Wen LOL. Okay but no, let's KIV this haha. Cannot club every week lah, or else studies will get screwed up haha. Or maybe it's just like what Meiling says - the first few times you get exposed to something you will put your guard up because you don't know what it has to offer and you don't want to screw yourself up. But the more you go, the more you let go. So perhaps that is what's happening to me now.
Okay it's time to get to Chem lab report. back to top?
Sunday, September 6, 2015 @ 1:43 PM也许明天 没有谁
I need sleep. back to top?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015 @ 8:59 PM
Hall life~Hello. I feel like I need something to hug hahaha. I don't think I can study any more >< Can feel myself being unable to concentrate already haha. Okay then why force yourself? Maybe it's time to go to jam band oh yay :) but LOL I wanna wait for the two of them to come back first. Haha why we so qiao always meet each other in hall? It's not like I go out of my way to do it all the time too but it happens lol.
Yeah I think it's time for some music or else I really cannot take it already. My brain is saturated! Maybe I shouldn't have gone for dinner with babypok nipoo and shuut just now and also the production briefing haha it kinda distracted me from studying and now I can't really go back to studying anymore. Tsk tsk. Try not to do this next time kay Hui Ting haha. But overall I guess today is quite a good day?
Btw I prayed yesterday night haha just wanted to try it because I was feeling so desolate and lost. And my heart did feel lighter, and I felt calmer.
Should I just not wait for them to come back already lol dunno how long they will take sia and no point pushing back my music therapy to wait for them haha.
And I think I probably will not be joining hall production any more already, although the prospect of performing on stage is really very tempting for me. If I join it's just gonna like go back to the time in J2 lol when I had Timeless and Huangcheng. But on the other hand I realise that I do have quite a bit of experience in the stage area lol more than the average person haha. Even the backstage stuff. Huangcheng has trained me quite well for this and I am quite happy for that haha. So it's not like a hugely daunting task for me :P I wonder what basis it is that I judge my level of proficiency of different things on. I mean... I probably have more singing experience than production experience but yet I feel less afraid when I am approached with the task of managing a production? Oh well. Maybe it is something that I care less about? Hahaha I also don't know. Lol I realise that I'm probably like the only one in the reading room who is typing away furiously LOL but I don't really notice my typing sound because musicccccc is playing in my ears :> Okay lah time to go! See yah! back to top?
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Perfectionist streaks. Now Playing: Autumn Finds Winter - Yiruma Eating as a form of distraction One of those days A foggy world(?) Don't know why I'm writing this down We call everything on the ice, "love". A bit of self-observation, Plea for help So excited that I can barely breathe;