some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

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more of me

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Sunday, November 16, 2014 @ 6:14 PM
Short Break on My Bed
Hello my friends. I feel like I am a very keesiao mugger nowadays haha. Or rather, just today. This is probably due to the fact that Chem A's are starting tomorrow and that Econs Paper 2 is on Tuesday. Well. Still, I could get used to this haha. I don't think I've mugged so hard in the past few years. So much so that I am actually very amazed at myself wahahahas for being able to persevere like this. But it is probably only because I am at the end of the route here and have nowhere else to go. So I take the leap off the cliff lol. But then again, if I had started this mugging spree since a month ago I'd probably do very well for all my subjects already haha. Well. Bopian. Opportunity cost.

I suppose a long time ago, in the past, there was once when Hui Ting the hardcore mugger existed. But then she went through the education system (freaking twelve years of it) and got so really sick of studying for all these tests and exams that she doesn't really give a shit any more. That was me this year haha. Not being able to see the reason why I should study so hard. Oh well. Nvm, I learnt loads of other stuff and did loads of other stuff in the process so it's fine.

Funny how I can still feel the drive to mug although I've already been spending the whole day mugging. Aiyoh, preparing for a test should be like that what... What have I been doing over the past few weeks and the past few exams haha slacking my ass off.

Bopian, what's done has been done!

Time to go do other stuff now like idk, read more chem LOL. The momentum is really important.
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Wednesday, November 12, 2014 @ 9:59 PM
"....and then you realise that there is so much more that you want to life."
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Tuesday, November 11, 2014 @ 8:13 PM
So help me.
I stop being afraid. Of the unknown, of failure and of hard work.

I stop giving myself excuses. 

I stop sticking to the status quo. 

I stop staying within my comfort zone. 

I stop giving up before I have even tried. 

Come.

I am going on an adventure.
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Saturday, November 8, 2014 @ 5:36 PM
Am I a very heartless person? Or is it just that my values are different.... Well, I guess the conclusion will only be reached in the future when I have enough experience to change the way I function/think.
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Tuesday, November 4, 2014 @ 9:02 PM
明瞭
I had a huge epiphany a few days ago. About myself, haha.

I remembered that there was once an article I read online (not too long ago, perhaps just a few months) which suggested that we judge the people around us based on the criteria that we use to judge ourselves. For instance, perhaps a person hates how power-hungry he is sometimes. And so he often looks down on the people around him who exist such power-hungry behaviour.

It's not an easy thing to comprehend, and much less to accept, because in doing so we are revealing (both to others and ourselves) what our deepest, weakest, most hated flaws are. And much of the time, we cannot even bear to think that we are like that, that we have these weaknesses which we so really hate.

But a few days ago I realised that hey, I am probably one of those people who judge others based on the criteria which I levy on myself. Especially in the case of relationships....

I've always firmly thought that a steady, stable relationship is one where both parties have unlimited freedom and do not stick to each other all the time like some age-old superglue. It doesn't matter where this belief came from - it came from a whole variety of experiences which I've been through before and the ideas I have about relationships after reading movies and watching books etc etc, but all these don't matter - just somehow, along the way, this thought started to take root deep within me.

I don't even notice its existence sometimes. When I judge other people's relationships and make a snide comment about/snigger at them, I don't realise in that moment that I am making a value judgement about them. In fact you could go as far as to say that I believed wholeheartedly that my view of stable relationships was the very best way to view relationships, and that I am very much wiser than all these "noobs" when I in fact don't even have much experience worthy of boasting about. My supposed "experiences" were in fact, most of the time, exaggerated impressions and emotions that I blow up (albeit somewhat subconsciously) in order to make my life more story-like. Yes, I recognise that now, and I admit it - it is one of my greatest flaws. That arrogance, you know. Ah well. (It is also sometimes one of my strengths as well but lets not go into that for now)

And then a few days ago as I was snivelling in misery over my apparent stickiness to Jonah.... (this is something you can't see from the outside but which I can feel so distinctly, how I am yearning for just an sms or something and then just thinking too much about him in an unhealthy way, and I start doing things like dropping him smses about sleeping early and stuff hoping that he'd reply cause God, I just want him to contact me and pay some attention to me. But of course it really isn't healthy. Not at all. It's not the kind of sweet 我好想你啊 kind, it's more of an obsession. And it doesn't feel good for me too. Much less for him, if he has to be bothered by me all the time with my obsessive smses and all that shit when it is evidently time to study and do other more important things.) Yeah, I detested, and still detest this feeling. It reminds me of exactly what I hate the most about in a relationship noob. And then I realised - what the hell? Seriously, the links between my thoughts and the actions of those couples whom I so often judge!

And so, I had an epiphany. Of how I always judge couples when they post terribly (judging again, see?) romantic and mushy things online about "forever" and all. When I see things like this I snicker to myself. But maybe - just maybe it is because I so very badly want to be able to have that kind of over-the-heels mushy relationship too, when you stick to each other everyday and you don't get sick of each other and you just basically believe in forever and you're overjoyed, blah blah. But I am scared to do so. The cynic in me refrains me over and over again from doing this, because of the belief inside that reality is not always so rosy and thus I must be mature, calm, logical.

And so, I lose out on one of the greatest emotions which one could feel in life - that of a giddy, flying, unrestrained love. I snigger at all these other couples because I am scared that I will be like them and I am certain that this "phase" that they are going through won't last. And when they start to fight, and to "see the uglier side of relationships", I will laugh at them, but at the same time secretly breathe a tiny sigh of relief too because they have just proven once again that reality is harsh and I am actually not giving up something wonderful by not giving myself a chance to go through that stage (because it will be screwed up at the end anyway). By judging them.... I am actually judging the reflection of myself in them. The parts of me which I think are the most awful and undesirable. I understand now...

-

The true sign of being mature is not looking down on people and laughing out loud when they face the problems you've faced before. Experiencing more doesn't mean that you are wiser or stronger - much less so if your supposed "experiences" are nothing more than imagined storylines. Yes, laughing out loud ostensibly signals to others that you have understood certain concepts or occurrences in life. Ostensibly. The truth is in fact the exact opposite of that. When you truly understand, there is no need to laugh out loud, or to proclaim to the world that you understand it. Because you realise that, hey, this understanding is mine and it belongs to me; it is not something that I have achieved just to showcase to others. This understanding is for the sake of me, and me alone. It doesn't matter what others have been through or whether or not they understand the same thing. It doesn't matter. Amazingly, everything that you go through in your life will mostly be for the sake of yourself, because honestly speaking, nobody else gives a shit haha. They have enough problems in their own lives anyway...

So yes, I guess what they say is really true. The quiet ones who blend into the background are (most of the time) the truly enlightened ones.

Haha, I just spent one hour plus composing and editing this post. Probably the most heartfelt thing I've written on a public place before (because now I know that it is not only you guys - Xuanchie/Sabeana/Yi Xin/Han Yi(?) - who have access to my blog, but it doesn't matter anyway lol I'm exposing a bit of myself here but it's really alright, it is genuinely who I am and so I'm not afraid of people knowing it.)

Cheers to learning and understanding :)

P.S. It all comes down to my tendency to quit before things can (in my view) disadvantage me more, isn't it? To flee at the slightest sign of distress. Ah well. But in the process, I'd be giving up so much...
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@ 6:06 AM
Hello :)
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.” -1 Corinthians 13:4-7 
Day One of the A Levels is over. Don't think that I did very well for my GP Paper Two, but well, I guess I tried. It's alright, now time for the next battle. But perhaps a bit of uhm rest first haha cause my brain feels rather tired? And it really is a superbly hot day. It's frazzling.
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Monday, November 3, 2014 @ 5:36 PM
Hello.
Now playing: "Stay With Me" cover by Sam Tsui
(I feel it's much better than the original)

Tomorrow's the core paper for Biology. And as I look through my past exam scripts (like block test last year, and promos too) I am remembering the feel of taking those examinations too. How for the block test we were sitting in an A block classroom near to the bridge connecting the B block and the A block. And how I felt so euphoric during the promos as I spam my writing and for the first time, learn how to answer to the questions with all the required keywords and all.

Okay I know I've been saying this too many times. So I shall restrain the urge to say it again haha. But you probably already know what I'm gonna say haha.

And then after tomorrow much of the things that we have in our Bio files now as well as our lecture notes will be pretty much useless.

I am pretty surprised by how much my answering technique has improved from last year till now. What I used to be so clueless about is (I wouldn't say crystal) clear to me now. It hardly even requires much brainpower. The power of the hwachong teachers, I guess. Haha.

(Wow now playing: "Wherever You Are" - Sam Tsui this is nice too haha.

Ah well. Soon my Bio journey in hwachong will come to an end! I don't really know how I feel about this. 百感交集 I guess. Bio.... Has been quite a big factor of my life for the past two years, yeah. It may be the one subject that I would be a little hesitant to give up studying. Because I like it. I just don't like how we are tested on it. But I like learning about it. Each moment of pleasant surprise and epiphany as you suddenly grasp what something meant, you know? It may have its frustrating times (e.g. how to answer... when the answers the Bio department provide doesn't really make sense..) but most of the time I really like studying this subject.

Well. So I don't really know how I'm feeling now haha. Hard to pinpoint exactly what Bio in hwachong makes me feel. It means so many things to me .

Plus listening to random songs on YouTube now and some of them are really awesome.

Okay bye.

Last song: "Safe and Sound" by Capital Cities, cover by Kurt Schneider MAX Kina Grannis and Zandaya

I really love Kurt Huge Schneider a lot haha his channel is full of awesome music.
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Perfectionist streaks. Now Playing: Autumn Finds Winter - Yiruma Eating as a form of distraction One of those days A foggy world(?) Don't know why I'm writing this down We call everything on the ice, "love". A bit of self-observation, Plea for help So excited that I can barely breathe;