some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Monday, October 27, 2014 @ 9:51 PM
nothing.
I am not special, and I am not unique; I do not deserve special treatment in any way. I am but an ordinary girl.
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@ 10:13 AM
Guilt-ridden
I must say that I'm feeling rather guilty at the moment. Sigh. I realized that my mother has spent a lot of money on me over the years. But all this money.... Much of it has not been used properly by me :( Like my laptop... Sigh. The beautiful red ASUS laptop... Relegated to a place in my brother's room now for playing games/whatever when it was meant for me to do my work and everything. Sigh. And I had to go and drop it on the floor on the bloody PW presentation day. And the WIFI can't work. I do miss it, I must admit. I miss the big screen, the not-screwed-up keyboard and everything. Though now I'm completely relying on my windows Surface to do all of my work and to access the net...

I don't know if I need another laptop. I do need one, actually, and I'm pretty sure I'll buy one in the future. Maybe a Mac or something. Which is not that heavy. But seriously, I feel so sincerely sorry that I did not use that beautiful laptop that she bought for me much. I feel like it is such a waste; that I have wasted 1k+ of her money. And now I am coming to appreciate the value of 1k so much more, while I am desperately trying to find ways to fund my university education. Argh.

The thing is, if I hadn't dropped it on the floor after the presentation it would most probably still have been in an excellent shape and then we might have been able to sell it for a rather high price.

But fml, I dropped it.

I'm sorry, mummymon :(

I do hate wasting resources/not putting everything to their best use possible.
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Saturday, October 25, 2014 @ 11:02 AM
Honesty.
I think.... The one thing I'd like to be is real. Without fronts.

And I'd like to show the real me without being afraid of people's reactions to me as well.

Yes, that would be my goal for the next few years.
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Tuesday, October 21, 2014 @ 9:34 PM
I don't think I've ever felt so excited about a university degree before. The more I find out about the audition process and requirements to Berklee, the more hopeful I feel because the requirements are actually not unattainable. Do you understand that? It is actually possible for me to have a chance of being accepted into this university. Me. Me. Me.

Oh God.

Lord, if you exist, please help me.

It's not that I wholly do not believe in your existence but it's just that I find it too great to be true.

But that's not the point.

Please, help me. Please. Please. Please.

Please.

Amen.
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Monday, October 20, 2014 @ 1:03 PM
Beauty is always in the Eye of the Beholder~
You could call it a weakness, this obsession with the things I've never had or tried before.

Or you could call it a quirk of mine.
Just something that makes me more interesting as a person, and fundamentally, more me.

It's not very explainable. Probably just one of the many obsessions that some humans have. Or maybe a lot of them have it - but that's not the point. Haha, the point is, some people who have never experienced this.. impulse, or fascination, may feel that it is a very shallow thing. But then again, who is anyone to judge? We all have weird inexplicable sides which are, from another point of view, extremely natural. So. Yeah.

Haha, just some random thoughts I had after purchasing a packet of soy milk from the organic mart along bukit timah road between Sogurt and our school.

I am really very fascinated by the different packaging that America/Europe has. Compared to what we in Singapore grew up with.

Doesn't necessarily mean that I find Singapore's inferior, though. Yeah, just like how I have always enjoyed awesome homecooked food by my mother and it still tastes awesome to me.

These differences are just... something different, you know?

Something out of the routine. Something new, and fresh. And just in essence,

fascinating.

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Friday, October 17, 2014 @ 8:57 PM
“所以我明白在燈火闌珊處為什麼會哭“
The things that are fundamentally important.... will stay important. And they'll stay within your life too. So don't stress/worry that much, it will work out, even if it works out in some other way than you expected it to.
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Tuesday, October 14, 2014 @ 2:10 PM
The Rain.
I like the rain.

The torrential, heavy downpours that occur while I am safely inside the house/at home. That uniform pouring of thick, fat droplets in such quick succession after one another that they look like long cylinders falling from the sky - sometimes even like streams of water pouring relentlessly down from an opening in the heavens.

I like the cool winds that come with it too, that bend the trees in the distance (or perhaps, not the entire tree trunk, but merely the branches) and make their mass of green leaves look as if they are dancing, swaying in the rain, along with the flow of the wet, refreshing air.

I like the clean, fresh smell, the washing away of the afternoon's fierce heat.

I like the pattering sound, the rumble of the thunder in the distance, and admiring the beautiful fractals which lightning makes in the distance.

I like the rain. :)
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Monday, October 13, 2014 @ 6:37 PM
Opportunity Cost - but it doesn't matter, the next best alternative is not as good as the one you've chosen anyway.
When you decide to stay with a person, you are actually making quite a huge decision in terms of how your life is going to progress next. Previously when you only had yourself to consider... Well, your life is pretty much a whole myriad of possibilities, and there were still so many possibilities in terms of who your future partner will be, how he or she will be like, etc. And then there are many other things like your future lifestyle, without taking into account the choices of anyone else, it's just up to you alone.

But then when you be with someone... All of a sudden, his/her choices factor rather heavily in your life, in both the present and the future. Of course, this is based upon the assumption that you are planning to remain a large part of each other's future. For instance... If in the past emigrating overseas to spend your life was actually an option for you, now, this option will be eliminated because it isn't really something your partner would want to do. But of course, this point only addresses those options which you had, but which were not die-die-must-do for you. I mean, if you have a noble dream and an ambition that you feel your life would be incomplete without, just dump that person lah if that person prevents you from achieving your deepest dream(s).

It's quite amazing, actually, some of the opportunities which we are willing to forsake for the people who factor heavily in our lives. It's like, in the past, you can still welcome an adventure any time, any where, but now you will take these people in your life into consideration. I think this is a rather noble thing that caring for someone else does to us. That sacrifice of another type of life, you know? But all things involve sacrificing some other thing anyway. Haha. And by staying with somebody, you are opening up another host of activities which you would otherwise not have been able to experience.

That's the beauty of the choices we make, I guess? The unique blend and combination of choices which makes up our lives, and so every life which has ever existed will be unique and different. Haha.
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Sunday, October 12, 2014 @ 3:13 PM
Challenge and revelation number #2 - this time, to me.
Perhaps the more important thing is -

You are both too, you are always both.

Am I willing to accept all of that about you?
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Saturday, October 11, 2014 @ 5:03 PM
Happiness and Rainbows
A paragraph which I wrote in my diary, which I thought I'd just like to share with you:

"Happiness is like a rainbow. When we stay fixated at a particular location, rainbows seem so few and far between, and seem like some rare occurrences which we hardly have the opportunity to enjoy. When we broaden our perspectives and look at the world as a whole, however, we realize that rainbows occur at the edges of every shower or thunderstorm, and these bouts of rain occur so frequently on Earth.
The same goes for happiness.... If we keep our sights set upon certain circumstances during which we expect happiness to befall upon us, we will fail to realize that happiness can occur in all other aspects of our lives as well, and hence overlook happiness in these areas. And then we lament that happiness is such a rare emotion to be felt when that is actually not the case..."
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@ 4:56 PM
One cannot expect to see results overnight. Therefore, one must always persevere.

But why should one persevere?

For that, you'd have to find your own reasons. Whatever that reason/those reasons may be, you just have to keep the faith somehow. Sometimes the faith is blind, borne out of a habitual routine. Sometimes that faith rests on a most fundamental value which one has. But it doesn't really matter anyway, as long as you continue keeping the faith.

Yes?
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Friday, October 10, 2014 @ 12:30 PM
I've realised that it is much easier for me to do things and to persevere with things when I'm ostensibly not doing them for myself.
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Thursday, October 9, 2014 @ 8:58 AM
Oh God why am I feeling so restless and tired now. Am in the library but I can't concentrate enough to get any work done. What happened to my drive :( Did that one day of rest yesterday knock me off balance already... Or is this still the product of the illness and I still need some more time to rest and recuperate? This is worrying... And now I don't know what I should do :/

Well.
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Tuesday, October 7, 2014 @ 2:20 PM
It may sound shallow, or does not matter to you, but it matters to me.
Things that matter.

When was the last time I've heard genuine words of affirmation? (as in genuine praise.)
I can't remember...
Though I wouldn't say that I truly deserve it because it's not like I studied or worked really hard for the paper or anything
But stuff like this really gives me hope, and refuels my determination to continue trying, you know?

Golden moments when somebody affirms your achievement, especially in front of a group of people.... And their collective 'wow' /佩服 (it wasn't spoken but I sure do could sense it) and applause, and the congratulations from my class, especially Jun Yang lol he stands out along the row for some reason perhaps he was the most exuberant one.

I think that scene will remain in my head for quite some time to come.

I've always been a slightly-above average student, but never the top, especially after coming to Nanyang and Hwachong.

Just this alone is enough, really.
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Thursday, October 2, 2014 @ 10:06 PM
If I Stay.
Hello.

Went to catch a movie by myself on a whim just now. I had just finished a Chem Paper 1 practice in the school library and my brain couldn't really take any more studying. So I decided to get out of school and go somewhere, spend a nice afternoon relaxing (it was only 2.15pm then). Yep then I thought of this fabulous movie If I Stay which I had wanted to watch since I saw its trailer. But unfortunately both Cathay and Shaw didn't show it any more, and the only place left was GV Plaza at 4.55pm. So yes, as you might be able to predict, the awesome me decided to catch it.

It was a great movie with a rather nice group of audience members (I thought the cinema would be empty) although I think the people who sat on either side of me were rather surprised by the fact that I was watching a movie alone. Lol. But well.

Good movie, I guess(: It was something like the Fault in Our Stars genre. But more positive, definitely more positive. And there wasn't too much action too or else my brain would have imploded under the stress lol. Kinda perfect for the mood I had in the afternoon :) Haha, some of the scenes reminded me of incidents in my own life too... But it's great, that's how we can appreciate a movie better, you know.

What I especially liked about it was how it reflected reality. The romance portion wasn't just oh, I've met my prince charming, popular guy in school asked me out, and everything is rosy and shining. Nope. I'm glad of the realism of the conflict. It showed me that yes, humans will all have conflicts because of the limits and boundaries we think we have. But these boundaries can (most of the time) be altered by us; it is up to us how much of something we can or cannot take. And that's a really good thought, actually. It shows us that 99.9% of the time, there is no such thing as "no choice" because there will (almost all the time) be some variable factors that are within our power to change. And I like the idea of that.

All in all, wonderful afternoon. I took a potentially terrible afternoon (because of the heaviness in my head) and turned it into an afternoon I enjoyed(:

It feels really good doing something for yourself once in a while without any care of what anyone else would think, and without any need for consulting the opinion of or telling anyone too.

Haha, that's how I keep my balance, I guess. I have realized that I do need such episodes and spontaneous activities to keep myself happy. Cause such episodes make me feel free, and in control of my life, you know? (Please note that I am not saying that I have to live like that all the time. In fact, if I do, I think it wouldn't have the same degree of positive effect it has on me now.)

This is just another part of me, my dear.

*******************************************

Side note: Funny how I always believe so much more in choice after certain familiar events happen in my life.
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Wednesday, October 1, 2014 @ 4:55 PM
No pun intended.
Another thought-provoking Thought of the Day:
Humans are inherently selfish but it is not necessarily a terrible thing.
We all have needs. And before we can even think about fulfilling others' needs or helping them to fulfill their needs, we have to first fulfill our own needs. And if everyone strives to make themselves happy, it will be much easier to have a society that is generally happy. Contrast this with the messy situation of everybody attempting to make someone else happy but having no idea if what they did actually worked. It is much easier to work on your self than on others. Unless you are sure that you will only be happy if you make others happy (well on that I have nothing to say).

Of course, this is based on the assumption that the process of making ourselves happy does not make others unhappy. But in reality this is never easy to achieve. In fact, with the diversity of thoughts that we allow now, this is pretty much impossible to achieve.

But if we are talking about a society in which people don't have extreme ideas of what happiness constitutes (i.e. killing someone else for joy), Singapore being a rather acceptable example, I think the idea of making ourselves happy first before making others happy could hold. And it could produce much positive results.

Well then, I guess there is nothing terribly wrong with being selfish after all, because being selfish is not mutually exclusive with helping others (or what people perceive as 'selflessness'). In fact, most of the time, you are only able to be truly selfless when your own needs have already been satisfied or would be satisfied in the process (and this could be seen as being 'selfish').

Do you follow me? Haha.
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