some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Tuesday, September 30, 2014 @ 10:04 PM
A challenge and a revelation.
I am both, I am always both.

I am both sides of the equation. I am bold, yet shy. Confident, but insecure too. Warm, and cold. Romantic, and practical. Determined, but unsure. Outgoing, yet reserved. Thoughtful, careless. Caring, insensitive. Sensible, naïve.

I am always both.

Both sides of me always exist.

Even if they exist/show themselves at different times, the other will still always be somewhere inside of me, waiting to emerge.

So yes, I am always both. I will never be able to run from any of these parts of me.

Will you accept me wholly for all that I am?

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Monday, September 22, 2014 @ 6:37 PM
What.
Funny how you crave living so much more once you've had a taste of it and realized that it is actually possible. Then you start wondering what the hell you are doing here, wasting your life away not actually living it.

Could I be a writer? Nah, I doubt so.
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Sunday, September 21, 2014 @ 6:06 PM
Brain is thinking in a totally Econs way now.
Wonder if I can switch it back in time for Chem tomorrow.
Cambridge 也真是的,put Chem in the afternoon and Econs P2 in the morning immediately after that. Eesh. How to have time to change my brain and way of thinking :( Compared to the people who don't have Chem on the day before econs... Oh sigh, well.

**************************************

“啊   別哭   親愛的人 
我們要堅強    我們要微笑 
因為無論我們怎樣
我們永遠是這美麗世界的孤兒”

From 汪峰。
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Saturday, September 20, 2014 @ 9:43 PM
"Market Structure"
I feel like this is a huge test of my willpower. I am constantly going away from my table for short breaks of not more than fifteen minutes. But time and time again I will pull myself back here, to this seat, where I will focus on a question or on a section of whatever it is I am looking at and attempting to internalize.

I constantly feel like breaking free. This happens when I am near the end. But I still hold back. Because it is not yet the end. So the restless me is just pacing back and forth in my head, shaking my legs to relieve that restlessness, and I won't allow myself to go to bed either. Although I am not sure if whatever I have learnt within these past few hours will remain clear. But I think they will; I have a feeling they are clear to me. Despite my constant breaks and restlessness.

Alright, last few questions to go. Persevere.
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Wednesday, September 17, 2014 @ 5:46 PM
Remember
"From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them, and that is eternity." - Edward Munch
"Traces of us will always still remain, if not within an imprint on Earth then within the air. / Atoms, they remember." 
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Sunday, September 14, 2014 @ 12:20 PM
Oh, sigh.
Is it bad for me to live in an illusion if the illusion makes me happy?

I mean, sure, you may say that and illusion is an illusion for a reason - it won't last. And once it is gone I'd be wrecked, panicky, immersed in shock, blah blah blah. And the act of being in an illusion reduces my ability to pursue other more tangible things.

But what's so terrible about that? Ultimately, at this moment, it will still be able to give me happiness. And isn't that what matters the most, at this moment in time? Could I be allowed to continue the illusion, as long as nobody else is hurt in the process?

*********************************************

You know something. I am actually selfish enough to ask you to accompany me through this life. Despite my unpredictability and unaccountability. I want you to stay there as my safe harbor. No matter how far I run.

Is this very selfish?

Yes, it is.

Do I have any right to impose this upon you?

No, actually. I don't. I have no right at all.

But humans are all selfish.

I think I am an amazingly selfish person...
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Saturday, September 13, 2014 @ 10:18 PM
Lesson learnt:

直接一点
不要扭扭捏捏的,烦到(马来西亚呛)
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@ 1:08 PM
- And prioritization. Prioritization is so important too.

Don't hope to conquer everything, because you wouldn't be able to.

Just choose a certain area that you would like to excel in. And that would be fine. Keep your cool. Remember Mr Lee's words. Be like what you were during IBS. Or Chem O. Or whatever external competition you went for, just to see how flexible your brain can be without worrying at all about the consequences. Just try, for the fun of it. Yes. Let your brain be free from those expectations or whatever goals piling up, and just enjoy the moment like you did during Chem Paper 2 BT2.

Okay.
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@ 12:59 PM
Faith.
I think a lot of times, we need to focus on what we have done instead of panicking over what we have not yet done. And perhaps we should give ourselves a bit more credit, to boost our confidence a little. Trust ourselves a little more that the things we have learnt would stay in our heads. Trust ourselves to use our brains flexibly and fall back on the things we have learnt during an examination.

And if nothing we have already learnt before can explain the question, then hooray, after doing this question we would have learnt a little more.

Which is good, isn't it. I think I need to stop panicking. Trust myself a little more.
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Thursday, September 11, 2014 @ 9:56 PM
Letters?
You only write letters to people when you have too many things to say to them and you aren't sure that you'd be able to express everything reasonably through a face-to-face interaction because your emotions could run out of hand and cause you to lose your original point.

Either that or there is something that you are not courageous enough to say face-to-face, because you are afraid of that person's reaction or something.

Well, that is what I've noticed, at least.

That's why sometimes, for some people, even the idea of writing a letter to them feels weird cause you really wouldn't know what you want to write in the letter.

O:

And also why sometimes, you can write pages and pages of words all dedicated to a certain someone.

Oh well.
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Tuesday, September 9, 2014 @ 7:50 PM
Dissection
Missing you is like a chronic yet welcoming ache somewhere in me, a sort of mild but aching pain that strikes when I am not preoccupied with anything else. Mild, but you know it's there, although you're already used to it.

Haha a taste of what's gonna happen next year?

But this is a welcome ache though; it reminds me that there is still something important to me.
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@ 5:16 PM
All that is beautiful
"Sometimes when overwhelming emotions grip you and you have to weep."
I treasure those moments.
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Sunday, September 7, 2014 @ 11:07 PM
Why
Why do we do the things that we do?

And what is my purpose of being here at all?

Okay, I know that in the context of the world my existence is pretty much useless. I mean, I doubt that I'll be able to exert any influence at all on the universe. Even if I do, it'll be negligible. Sure, it's a miracle that I'm even existing in the first place, and there will probably not be another miracle like me in the future. Although there may be other brilliant - and possibly more brilliant - miracles.

Of what purpose do I make of my existence then. I mean sure, although I'm probably useless in view of the world, I'm already here so I might as well make the best of it right. Though no matter what I do it would not affect the outcome of whatever the world is supposed to come to, at least I can alter the process. Even just a bit. And take control (haha, as much laughable "control" as I could have) over this very short period of time I have here, in my body and my life.

Is my purpose to challenge norms and conventions?

Why are women seen the way they are seen now. Is it written anywhere that women are supposed to be weaker. And rely on their husbands. Or male partners. Or mate. Whatever the other half of this species wants to be called. Is it a must that I will definitely be like some damsel in distress.

Why am I acting the way that I am acting now? Is it because subconsciously I believe that this is how a woman in a relationship should act? Or is it because I am weak in the first place and all of that non-dependence is merely a fake front? And then now that I am here with you, a catalyst, my front is so readily eroded?

Who am I... What is my identity. What is my purpose here. Is it to learn? To challenge conventions? Or just to be a woman.

Anyway back to the women point just now. Why is it that men can seemingly do whatever they want with a woman e.g. rape her/torture her by slicing her apart when she refuses to be raped/beat her up etc. Why the fuck can we not do it to men, huh. Is it merely because our physical strength will never be enough to overpower a man. Much less ten.

Why is it that women wearing high heels are seen as beautiful. Why can't we just be natural and ourselves by just accepting our heights the way it is. Why do we wear high heels in the first place. Is it a weak attempt at becoming "equal" to men. By making up for one of the physical attributes that we don't have e.g. height? And then in the process we do all sorts of stupid things to ourselves like enduring blisters/severe pain in the balls of our feet after having them endure our entire weight for the whole day, screwing up our spines in the long term. Whereas men just have it "easy" and wear flat shoes, and nobody idealises something else as "beautiful"...

Why do I act the way I act now. Is it because I am truly just an immature girl or is it because I subconsciously believe that this is the way a girl in a relationship would act?

Must there be an obvious, masculine, dependable "man" in a romantic relationship? Who earns the money and buys the branded bags and clothes for his wife who just enjoys the fruits of his labour? Must women be pampered by men? Does nature work this way?

Why can't men be pampered by women.

Must I excel as a student? Must I have aims? Must I have goals?

If I want to have a goal, why? Is it because I don't want to waste my time lazing around, or is it because "having a goal" is seen as something which everyone should have because everyone should just have it?

So many social conventions and norms that we unknowingly place on ourselves everyday.

Why?
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Thursday, September 4, 2014 @ 9:54 PM
Moonlight.
Contrast three months ago with now.
When I first dedicated this song, Moonlight, to you.
This song described my feelings so well then. That sense of wonder, amazement, surprise, pleasure at something new - probably cause I couldn't really believe it was happening either.

And then here we are now.

I feel so blessed, my dear, more than I can say. Even as I listen to Moonlight again now, I am recalling those first feelings of uncertainty and wonder so vividly.

But hey, look at where we are now!
It is surprising but at the same time not really surprising that we have walked where we have walked since three months ago.

Call it fate, destiny, chance or whatever, but I am really supremely, supremely blessed to have met you, my love.
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Wednesday, September 3, 2014 @ 9:00 PM
You're right, actually. What am I doing now anyway. Thinking so much. Coming up with reasons for thinking so much. You are right to be angry, actually. I do have a choice as to what I want to believe in. And I am just being a coward by leaving these spaces in my head for doubt. In the end this is what I'm always doing, isn't it. Leaving a back route. To escape in event of any catastrophe.
But sometimes there is no room for a back route or else the relationship or the event would be screwed up. So yes, this is absolutely in my hands. To choose what I want to do and to stick with it, not coming up with any excuses for my behaviour. This time it is me who needs to grow up.

谢谢你的一针见血。

Time for me to be responsible for my actions and stop whining like a coward/kid.
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Monday, September 1, 2014 @ 9:06 PM
musings.
It was from there that I learnt that, well, perhaps each of us (as human beings) express our affections in different ways. I thought I knew that from the start, but it turns out that I still have a lot left to learn haha. As much as I would like to think otherwise, there is still a lot of things out there that I haven't even begun to comprehend yet, much less completely understand. Yep, so time for some self-reflection yeah?

Funny how certain words can really mean a lot to me though. Is there a trend? Well we shall see :)

On another note, time for Bio paper 2 tomorrow! Somehow I feel rather liberated at the end of each paper, as if that is the last time that I will ever sit for it again (well this is true in the Hwa Chong context - we'd never sit for another Hwa Chong-set paper again), as if the end is near. But this is all somewhat wishful thinking lah haha we still have another three months left to go before the end of our academic lives in Junior College. Before moving on to non-uniformed life.

And as much as I am enthusiastically anticipating the start of my truly adult life I am still enjoying every last moment I have in Hwa Chong now. Including the feeling of taking a test, blah blah blah.

I once said that I thought that the examination period is the most enjoyable period of academic life and I still think that's true now haha. Cause you've finished everything you were supposed to learnt and now all that's left is the tidying up of your concepts. And you have one single goal - which is to study and revise the stuff that you've learnt before. Life is rather simple during these days. You don't need to make many decisions (except perhaps whether you should get that ice cream cone or that ridiculously expensive yet heavenly-looking dessert) (okay, glutton me) in these days.

Kinda still enjoying it at the moment haha.

Kay, see you, time for some more revision/reviewing of D&E and photosynthesis or cell respiration or proteins blah/sleep.

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recent entries

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