& not-so deep secrets
huiting says hi
Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:
This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.
Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.
Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)
人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.
more of me
Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Thursday, February 27, 2014 @ 10:57 AM
I would like to inform you that Hui Ting the Queen of Gluttony is back. In the morning I ate two eggs and I bought a bottle of Vitamin Water (berries) just now and a mushroom puff and a chocolate bun and a slice of wheat bread TT. I so fat. I so very fat. Oh and I ate like three pieces of chocolate too. Maybe four. And the point is, I wasn't hungry but I just decided to eat anyway. D: Think I shouldn't eat lunch later HAHA. Think I might have ingested like 50g of sugar today already or something...
Anyways. It is now GP lesson and I am feeling a little bored. Feel like I haven't done this in a while haha, writing random things during lesson time :P
And anyway again. That above, wasn't my main anyway haha. I wanted to update you about my... closest friend.
Well... We are back again. Okay, that's all I want to say; somehow it feels tabooed if I talk more about it.
Hui Ting back to top?
Sunday, February 23, 2014 @ 6:17 PM
It is good to remain you throughout your busy lifeI think that having some time for yourself in the hectic mass of your life is crucial to your sanity.
Okay, in nicer terms, it is important.
I don't deny that I do feel that you will turn insane if you keep rushing about everything in your life without resting though.
Like now, for example, I am taking my time and looking at my blog, enjoying the simple feel of owning this online diary.
Keep the simple things which are important to you close to your heart; who cares if nobody else recognises it - it belongs to you and you alone.
:) back to top?
@ 4:59 PM
Of results and lessonsHello, friends.
I'm having a very hard time getting through this Sunday afternoon, as usual. I thought this mood would be gone now that I have more things to do in my life, but I was wrong O: Even though I had a nice ten hours of sleep last night I still seem to be able to sleep upon collapsing into my bed just now ._. Does this mean that I still lack sleep? Oh man.
Anyway, the one thing gluing me to reality and an alert mind now is my beautiful bronze IBS medal. Yes, the IBS medal. I like it a lot. It symbolises what the act of thinking and using my brain does to my life. As a matter of fact, I have missed engaging my mental capabilities (not saying that I have much of it) since the holidays started last year. Well, after the Math class exercise on Thursday, I am pleased to announce that my brain is slowly but surely restarting.
Honestly speaking, I am quite pleasantly surprised that I won a bronze medal for the International Biomedical Symposium. I mean, I truly did not study very much for it. I only started studying one week before the actual competition, and it wasn't really a hardcore mugging kind of studying. The hardcore mugging only happened on Wednesday night? I confess that I have never sacrificed my sleep for studying (but then again that has been my principle all along). As compared to my friends and fellow competitors (some of whom started all-out studying since three weeks ago), I must say that I may not seem to deserve the medal. Nevertheless, this competition has proven that studying isn't a surefire way to obtain results. One must still remain alert during the actual competition/examination - in other words, engage one's brain - for one's studying to be effective. Needless to say, staying alert is even more important for those who haven't studied haha. Though I have always held this belief that the understanding of a concept is more important than the mere memorisation of facts, yesterday's events have served to ground this idea more deeply into my brain.
Yes, I can say that I am proud of myself for rising up to the challenge and persevering even when I do not know the answers to half the questions asked in the theory paper. I was forced to engage my mind, and the results turned out quite well. I must say that I am quite proud of this medal and of myself.
Well, now, this is where the new challenge begins. Am I able to apply what I have learnt into my daily life? Currently, I am still afraid that without the constant stimulation and adrenaline, I will be too lazy to engage my mind for the things which I encounter in life.
Hm, then once again, we might be back to the topic of mind over matter... And I guess I have already made my stance for that issue clear :D
Alright then, off to Math now!
Hui Ting. back to top?
Tuesday, February 18, 2014 @ 11:16 PM
Stabbed too deeplyIf people seem to have no intention of retaining you
Would you hold on
Or would you let go?
If people seem to understand you less and less as time passes
Would you give it up as fate
Or would you continue trying?
Why is it that the things I do never seem enough? Is it because I'm not trying hard enough? Is there cause for me to blame you as well? Sometimes I would really like a firm answer from you as to whether you want me to go away or not. But then again I am always slightly afraid of hearing the answer. And you don't make it any easier for me as well. Why are you holding back. Why are you not making a decision. Why are you avoiding the problem? How do we resolve our differences if you don't even trust me enough to share your problems with me any more? We used to be unafraid to point out our problems with each other, and from there we could solve our problems so easily. Now though, it seems like there's this huge divide between us which I try yet and yet again to cross but I always fail to do so. And as time passes you are wary as well. You start to put up defences against me. Well, I guess I could say that I've earned it too after a lot of the stupid things which I did. But if you are unwilling to let it go along with me, how do we start afresh? Like what you said, it does take both hands to clap. I can't resolve this on my own.
What am I to make of that hug you gave me in the canteen that other day? Is that a "yes, I still care for you but I don't want to show it because I'm afraid that you will over think", or a "please accept this hug of apology from me, now I have to go off and eat with my boyfriend whom I am spending every day with, thank you". Am I allowed to even feel a degree of unfairness? Like I haven't been treated well enough or cherished well enough by you? Or am I just too petty to let small things like this go? I really do not know.
And every time I try to convince myself to let go of you completely, there will always be this nagging voice inside of me. What if this was a test to see how much faith I could have in you? What if I just had to wait a bit longer before we could get back together again? Each time I convince myself, but each time I still feel the pain as I continue holding on without any apparent rewards.
And I can't help but think: are you actually as selfish as you said you were? Did you only care for me last last year because I provided you with such amazing care/love/putting your needs before mine all the time? And then now that I've stopped providing you with these, you don't really care about me at all?
You may say that you wish for me to be happy, but how am I to know if that's what you really think? You don't show it in any other way. You only say it. It is useless when you say it. And you've only said it once. It's like you're saying it just for the sake of pacifying me. For justifying our relationship somehow. So now, I ask you, who is to say that our relationship wasn't entrepreneurial in nature?
Is there any reason at all for me to continue holding on? As the days past, the reasons get fewer and fewer. I feel like I am constantly making up new excuses for you and for us. For me to continue striving. Yet every move I make seems to be a bad one. I no longer know what the hell you think; you don't even trust me enough to share your thoughts with me. Who are you now. Who are you? I don't know you. You think the worst of me. You think I'm selfish/I exaggerate. Where are you? Where is the you who cares for me/who loves me?
Maybe that you didn't exist in the first place
Maybe it was all in my imagination all along back to top?
Friday, February 14, 2014 @ 10:42 AM
Living for MeIt is time to listen to some music and just let myself go without being bothered by anything.
Recently I find myself being bogged down by stress - stress of many kinds. I was worried about my relationships with people, worried a little about homework (okay I wouldn't really use the word "worried", but more that while I was juggling a lot of different things I still make time to take care of my academics), worried about the upcoming competition, worried about POP and Artemis Fac Dance, worried about huangcheng, worried about SL, worried about PA concert. And that is really too many things for one person to be worried about. And so now I am giving some time to myself for me to do the things I love doing - listening to music and singing along with it without giving any thought to whether someone is listening to me or not. Sing as though nobody is listening. Doing things just for me and me alone. Humans do need some sort of respite from the stress of life sometimes.
It's been too long since I sat still and let my thoughts take over too... And it's in times like this I fully understand why I love music so much that I am willing to sacrifice many things - including a stable life - to pursue this dream. It's in times like this during which I find myself again, what I have come to identified as me. And though I seem to have changed over the years it is this quality of mine which is still always so familiar to me.
我仍然是我。This quality I have, this familiar feeling of sitting in front of the laptop/an open notebook and reflecting while listening to music comes from me alone, without any external forces. It keeps me in check and sane.
I think we shouldn't neglect ourselves while living our lives.
And now... I will not care too much about the things which I don't have to care about. I will focus on the big picture instead, and fulfill my roles. Like what I used to always say to myself, it is alright to go against the rules - as long as you still get things done in the end. And I believe I would be able to get things done.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014 @ 11:19 PM
A Special DayHello. It has been too long since I last reflected about life and so I'm here today. (Sometimes I feel that this is the cause for my confusion and mood swings).
Happy Eighteenth Birthday to me! I am absolutely ready to be eighteen. I don't mean that I am very excited to turn eighteen, but that I already feel eighteen. Finally. For the whole of last year I didn't feel as if I was seventeen at all.
Seventeen was a weird year.
It was a highly emotional one. The year I suppose I can proudly present to people as my "teenagerish growing up year". Looking back on all the things I did... They were really quite stupid. I was clouded by my emotions, believing that what I was doing was... Mature? What love was supposed to be? But now I can see that I was wrong. Subconsciously I actually knew what I wanted to be all the time. After this period of trialing... I'm back to what I was before anyway. Just that now, I have experience to back what I am up.
Lol. Life is strange in weird ways. With this separation I can think clearer and live more for myself too. But you can't deny that I still care for her. It attacks me out of the blue sometimes. Especially when I am PMSing. But then again, there must have been a sliver of true emotion in there somewhere before it can be intensified, right? So my emotions are probably not fake.
Nevertheless I can't really see how this is going to end up. I don't know how it will progress. But I know that I will be able to continue living a great life either way. Just missing one element. But it's okay, isn't it, we can still survive.
I wonder how she feels about this. I wonder if I cross her mind as often as she crosses mine. I don't know, because I have never been sure of what she feels for my in the first place. Sometimes I convince myself almost thoroughly that she feels nothing more for me than a classmate. But then she would suddenly prove me wrong and I would be confused again. Or perhaps I'm reading too much into the signals which she gives out. Perhaps there aren't even any signals.
But I don't know.
Does she ponder over what I think in this way too? But I thought that the way I expressed my emotions were obvious enough. So very obvious. I just tell them to her. But she doesn't tell me what she feels and I am left stranded behind this door.
My birthday is approaching in approximately 43 minutes. I am quite excited, I suppose? But then again I have to sleep because I'm really tired now.
[random] I hope that we would be able to put up a good performance for the Impresario Semi-finals 2014. By the looks of it now, we're not in any condition to go up onto stage. Man. But we will train. Because we are determined and passionate. Just like how we trained for the auditions.
Jiayou Sweet(: back to top?
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When the days are cold What to do? The Last Paradise Rationality? Logic? Well fuck you. Hawaii Contemplation. Best way to go about your day A Journey Somewhere I lost a piece of me; smoking cigarettes... what?