some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

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Wednesday, November 28, 2012 @ 11:44 AM
Thoughts Jumbled

I am willing to become whatever I am required to become.
Honestly? Yes. But that is not to say that I want others to continuously rely on me, or to need me. I would step in, but as soon as the opportunity presents itself, I would step out once again.

What is balance all about anyway? I know that one of my life principles is to maintain a balance with whatever I do. Maybe it would naturally work out to be that way.

I'm not really busy nowadays. But there is no motive with whatever I am doing now... Doesn't mean that my life now is meaningless, or bad though. I'm just enjoying every moment I can. Letting things take their course. Taking a break from the business of everyday life as a student.

My 'O' Level holidays are going to be over soon, yet another period to be buried in the depths of my memory somewhere. It doesn't feel too significant though.

But what's significant, actually? Was the musical significant to me? Actually, not so. It's just another activity - another experience - I've been through before. Nothing outstanding, just a fact.

Now I'm starting to wonder whether I have lost my ability to appreciate things which happen to me. As in, that capability to feel amazed by the things I see happening in life. Am I getting too used to it all?

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Thursday, November 22, 2012 @ 9:36 PM
以爱之名 (萧敬腾)

Hello, all. Today has been a surreal day.

In fact I feel that almost every day has been passing by too quickly for my liking. It's not that I don't know what I'm doing. It's just that no matter what I do, it still seems unworthy of the amount of time I spend on it. And this in turn has led to an extremely surreal feeling I'm experiencing over the past few weeks... I'm hoping that it would go away with the beginning of my working life, but then again that may not necessarily be so. I might just get more confused with the disappearance of time, as two full months just zoom by in the blink of an eye.

I am growing older. I know I probably don't have the right to say this, but yes, I am growing older. I can feel it. Sometimes I can feel my innocence and my carefree spirit slipping away from me, and for this I am afraid. I'm scared that one day I will just slip into the state of living day-to-day, not appreciating or even noticing the beautiful things in life any more. I'm scared that society and reality would blind me. I'm scared that I can't remain young.

I haven't enjoyed it enough yet; I don't want it to go. Sigh.

But all this worrying probably wouldn't help much. Since I have to spend time worrying about time slipping away from me. Haha.

Tomorrow is Friday... And two-thirds of November is already over. Strange how much time we thought we had at first! Now we have barely two months left and everything is still flying away as we speak about it.

My secondary school life is over, and my junior college life is about to start. So many different things which will be happening in my life... And here I am, witnessing scores of primary school children receiving their results today and thinking about which secondary school they want to attend. Ah. It reminds me of four years ago... Four years? Has it really passed by so quickly? The memory of the first day of school in Nanyang is still so fresh and vivid in my head. Those feelings of entering a new world, starting a new phase of life... The excitement, the anticipation. And then it zoomed by. And here we are at the beginning of yet another new phase... Life is full of phases.

I'm just afraid that one day even when we are entering another phase we would be so numb to it that we won't be excited about it any more.

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Tuesday, November 20, 2012 @ 1:47 PM
我们都长大了
Why are letters so precious?

It is because they are proof, physical proof, that some things have happened before - that some emotions and feelings did exist.

Of course, that is if the writer was honest in expressing whatever he or she feels. Let us just assume that the writer was. And so, this depicts how important letters are. If you were to explain further... Then let us just say that some people may not have enough faith in their minds to believe that all of their "memories" are accurate. Some things may have been imagined by them. But with letters, material proof exists that what they thought was true were indeed real.

Of course, you can always argue the other way round, but this is what I feel.

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Saturday, November 17, 2012 @ 6:12 PM
至少我爱过

Yeah, but I know it will work out some way, even without the help of a miracle.

The next time I see you I'll pass you the letter, without too much thought about the possible consequences involved.

This is exactly what you meant about being young, no? And yes, we only live once. I'm sure we'll be able to survive this without any awkwardness or anything. If I never did tell you how it feels while I'm still feeling it, I would probably regret it.

But yes, too much time spent together will make our time together less significant. We know that.

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Thursday, November 15, 2012 @ 7:39 PM
还有一点时间在咖啡之前休息

I find it amazing how friendships can develop over two years.

I mean, you look at the picture of our obs groups last year...

And then you look at our various class photos this year.

Omg man. People who didn't even know of one another's existence last year are laughing and playing together now.

Human relationships are mystifyingly wonderful :')

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Tuesday, November 13, 2012 @ 2:40 PM
在家里闲着

这几天应该是吃了太多乱七八糟的东西了吧,肚子总觉得怪怪的。D:可怜的消化系统阿,我真是对不起你!希望你早日康复,赶快痊愈 ><

啊,忽然想起了在尼泊尔的好朋友们。。。不知道她们现在在哪儿了?爬、吃得如何呢?那应该是个非常好的经验吧!哈哈。这几个星期应该就会有比较少人来阅读我的部落客了吧~啊,不要紧,我还在等着 Yi Xin 回来和我们分享爬山的事呢!现在只可以拭目以待了哦!呵呵。

真可惜,那天写了一份那么长的电邮给 Mr. Ang, 可是我的手机既然没把它存下来。。。那电邮还是我费尽了心思写的 :/ 还真不甘心啊。算了,改天有了那种心情再写多一次吧。。。

拜拜咯!希望 Jones的工作人员会尽快打通电话给我 :/

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Tuesday, November 6, 2012 @ 3:43 PM

"Life does not rewind."
And so we should always tell the people we love that we love them now.

But will I ever regret it though? I mean... For some things, you really can't rush into it right D: Oh well.

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@ 11:27 AM
矛盾

想念一个人。。。不管让你有多萧然,心痛,却还是事实。一个无法改变的事实。因为那是你心中最真切的感受。

我一直都相信,一个人是无法控制自己的心的。或许你可以理智地面对一切。可是,说实话,大多时候,爱上一个人不会是你自愿的选择。除非你已经过了那段暧昧的时期,开始被现实压迫着。到时候,你可以选择去爱一个人。

唉。我以为这件事烦恼了很久。OH SHIT. 忽然记起星期四晚上会到乌节路去。。。这几天实在是太忙了。脑子里装满了该做的事。却似乎做不完。

友情...是怎么保养的呢?难道顺其自然就已足够了吗?难道我们不需要花点时间和精力来保养它么?

有时候真的很不得把一切使劲地抛开,抛到脑外。

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Monday, November 5, 2012 @ 8:18 PM
The window, the window, the second storey window.

I admire those who have the ability to love unconditionally, really. I haven't reached that stage yet >< Although I'd like to believe that sometimes I do feel as if I am loving unconditionally... Strangely at times this feeling would just go away. And I'd start to feel doubtful of the person I love, even of myself.

Sigh. Is it in human nature to want to feel loved in return by someone whom you love? I think that's the case for 99.9% of humans right D: Man. I mean, how else would you find the motivation to continue loving that someone? This is why so many marriages end up in divorce... One partner didn't show his/her love, and so the other feels unloved, and hence stops showing his/her love as well, leading to a vicious cycle ):

Is it really that easy for one to keep on maintaining the belief that if the person one loves is happy, one can be unconditionally happy for them too? Even if they don't share the thing which made the first person happy in the first place?

That is a saintly stage. And I'm sure that at my age I haven't reached that stage yet.

I can only try.

Oh well. Once in a while a show of affection is important, no? >_<

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Sunday, November 4, 2012 @ 9:54 PM
当你的眼睛眯着笑 当你喝可乐当你吵 我想对你好 你从来不知道 想你想你 也能成为嗜好

天天想你天天问自己  到什么时候才能告诉你?

我已经毕业了。首次到了放假的时候不知所措。这种感觉还真让人觉得懊恼。平常的人已到了年未假期肯定会蹦蹦跳跳跑来跑去玩东玩西。可我呢,却还那么的眷恋上学的时光。。。啊,好想念你们呀,我最亲爱的班。。。我恨不得把时光倒转,回到上学的期间):

人家总说人常常只会在失去了某件东西以后才完完全全的领悟到它的价值。。。我一直以来都没把这事放在心上。我心想,过去了就过去了,不管让我们感到快乐或难过,事实上已经让我们获益不浅了。可是,还真没想到自己竟然那么像回到上学的那段日子。这还是我生平想倒转时光的第一次!

啊,401 班,我真想念你们。好不容易才建立起那么深的友谊,我还没准备好离开呢 ): 真的好舍不得啊~

可是。。。话说回来,结交了你们这一帮那么好的朋友,我死后也会无怨无愧。至少我们拥有着那么美丽的回忆,以后肯定让我们回味无穷(: 我也相信我们的友谊不会就此结束。来日方长,我们还年轻,而这份友谊会一直陪着我们度过接下来的日子,给予我们勇气和希望(:

再见了,南洋女中,你给予我的美好回忆,我永不会忘记(:

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Saturday, November 3, 2012 @ 11:13 PM
我爱你们轰轰烈烈最疯狂

It's the little coincidences in life which make me feel so happy, as if I am soaring above the clouds for those few moments

I just met Timothy on the bus lol. And haha we talked a little about our current lives though it got kinda awkward for the second half. Thank god we weren't really sitting side by side on the same pair of seats or else it would be quite... :x Hahaha. It's so cool, actually. I mean, I was just talking about him this afternoon... Lol. Aish, this kind of thing is really quite amazing haha. Cause like, you have to be at the same place, in the same time, and taking the same bus... If anything was not precise enough it would not have been possible already!

But yes, we talked~ It's so funny. That's like only the third time we've met in real life and talked face-to-face LOL. But it flowed quite naturally I guess?

Haha, people like this are the ones who stay in your heart even after years of separation and everything... I mean, there is already this bond there and it can't really be broken :x That's like the beauty of life and of living! Everything makes an impact on you, and the events which you remember significantly always remain fond in your heart. No matter what they make you feel.

And yes, this is why I'm sure that ten years or even more down the road, 401 will still be friends, regardless of what we go through :) And the almost-disagreement we had recently only serves to make the bond stronger~ Because even the best of friends would argue at times yes (: Or else this world will be a very strange place to live in...

Oh man, I'm so happy today because of so many various reasons~ And I just read my previous post about graduation again haha and am surprised that it actually sounds coherent! It flows so well. Even though my brain was totally dead last night. It was so honest too... Oh, I'm really finally learning how to express my thoughts and feelings well(: And I'm so very grateful for that... It was a recount and recap of what happened this year, and also comprised my reflections as well... For everything which happened, I think they happened for a reason :) and so here I am, sitting and smiling to myself and to the computer screen.

我对着星空傻笑,因为我对你们的爱是无法以其他的行为表现出来的。你们就是我心中的天使,让我飞翔的翅膀。我相信十年以后我们仍会是好朋友,也仍会偶尔掏出这些记忆来,慢慢的回味一切,回味无穷。

我爱你们。缘分是非常宝贵的(:

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Friday, November 2, 2012 @ 11:42 PM
Always have, always will.

And so, I've graduated.

After four years of being in Nanyang. I don't know what to say now, actually. It's like these four years have been sewn together into this huge book, with hundreds of pages. I can see every individual page flipping around. I can still recall those memories perfectly vividly, and some moments stand out especially. I remember our Sec 1 life, our lifeskills camp and the things we did. I remember Dramafest '10, Shika. I remember Rachel Ng and Jamie Foo and how we were inseparable.

And we have grown so much through these four years - having so much more knowledge about the physical and the emotional world. Sure, we have had wounds, perhaps even some very deep wounds, and those have left us with scars, but nevertheless, they have healed, and we have grown. In retrospect... Every single thing happened for a reason and now they can be compiled into a group of memories in my mind. I see them with my mind's eye; they are so clearly and detailedly recorded down in memories. Those moments of immense happiness, the pride, the laughter, the disappointment, and those stolen moments of peace this year...

This year has been wonderful. Amazing. So many things have happened which have played a part in shaping me... The timeline of this year unfolds like a red carpet, haha.

First there was the Nanjing trip presentation and all which were left over from it. The longing, the missing, the maturing. And then there was ISYF... Brilliant, social, explosive, it totally honed my socialising skills, and taught me how to interact with different groups of people. Wonderful(: And I've made many new friends from all over the world there as well. It's something I treasure a lot, though it seems like so much time has passed since then haha.

And then... Graces. Wow. I've waited four whole years for it and when it finally came, it was over so quickly. Ever since Secondary One, I have anticipated my turn at Graces. I mean, you hear the seniors talking about it, and you also witness their beautiful moments on Facebook... But it was over so quickly for me): Partially because of pneumonia as well... I still can't really believe I carried that pneumonia and went through with Graces haha. I know I appear to have missed quite a lot of valuable time with you all as a class, but in reality it was nothing much because I always had your texts of encouragement with me, even as I was lying in bed the whole day, desperately trying to break the fever. I thought I had succeeded on the second day of Graces. Nevertheless, at night it struck me again... I guess it was God's way of giving me this time to spend with my beloved classmates haha. And that was also the time when I got to know Meiling... Oh God, this seems so near yet so far... I mean, I can still vividly recall everything I felt at that moment. In that period of time. I was trying so hard to understand you as a person, but it was tough yes? I didn't know where to start from. I only knew that I had the desire to do so. Who would have known that we would come this distance we've come today?

Oh, pneumonia... It was a period which flashed by so quickly. I remember loads about lying in bed and fighting it. Burning with fever for more than two weeks in a row. It just refused to go down. And then the doctors told me that if I had contracted pneumonia five years ago, I would have had a higher chance of dying because these antibiotics weren't available then...

Man, I remember Mdm Lee coming to visit me in the hospital, and all the loss of appetite... I lost so much weight then. I had no appetite at all... The nurse would come in with a full tray of food, and when she came back in again an hour later it would still be untouched and I would still not have any intention to eat any bit of it at all. I mean, yes, I would try, but it still wasn't so successful... I guess I don't want to remember it much because it was not a great time? And so it seems to have flashed by. And I missed one week of school, staying at home on MC. Oh, at that time, I was so weak... Even travelling outside in the car was torturous for me. I remember the first time I felt strong enough to go out... We went to cold storage Jelita and even that was tiring enough. But I was just so bored being cooped up in the house! Though my lack of strength does give me enough incentive to remain at home for the first few days...

And then we move into term two of Secondary Four... LA block test on the first day I come back to school haha. And everything's so spread out because the musical rehearsals were just beginning... Gosh. It still seemed such a huge mess then. People weren't willing to coorperate and didn't really have any heart to do anything. And oh, I just remembered, during the week I stayed at home, I was smsing Sabrina virtually everyday... ^^ You were my constant source of support and strength, and I thank you so much for that((: And for taking down notes for me too and everything...

Okay, and then once the block tests ended it was time for us to fly to US already lol. And so we flew there. And I had the best overseas vacation/journey I've had in my life. I know I've said this before but that period was just the happiest period I've ever spent in anywhere. It was just pure happiness for 14 consecutive days. Amazing. And everyday we'd explore different things, eat different food, see different people and different scenery, and every night I'd go to your room to high lol. I saw you everyday then. Cough.

And that was the beginning of a beautiful relationship(:

US was the epitome of happiness... Everyday was filled with so much joy and energy. I don't know how we managed to keep our spirits up all the time! But up till now I still remember the precise layouts of the room, and the buses we travelled in. And also the feelings I had on the trip. Regarding different things. I didn't really write a lot in my diary, but it's all here in my heart... It is a beautiful memory; thank you 401 for it(:

Then came June, and the hectic musical rehearsal began... I broke down twice, cried twice, and all. And then I opened myself to an extent I never would have imagined would be possible for myself. I opened myself up to so many people. I learnt to tell them my fears, my desires, and my weaknesses. It was so hard at first, but I got it done nonetheless, regardless of the initial awkwardness(:

And I came to know you. I don't know what happened and I don't know how it happened but from that first day in the June holidays we just hit it off straight away. Maybe it was a similarity in terms of personality, or maybe we just realised that, hey, this is a person I can spend my holidays with! She's so free to last-minute planning as well! And we can just do random things together. And so, it happened. Haha.

And you gave me so much support over the next few months that I wouldn't have known what to do without you. We studied for Block Test 2 together sometime... Because the naturally kiasu me felt kinda imbalanced about the amount of work and play I was going through. And so we played like hell, but studied quite a bit as well.

Then, block test 2 was over, and it was the musical... It passed so quickly man. Seriously in the blur of an eye. But I guess I could say that I have grown as a performer? I remember what Mr. Bang said... And he has inspired me so through his passions and his beliefs.

And once musical was over we had the EOYs. We started studying like crazy for it, and in the meantime did what we always do, like sing randomly or laugh at dumb things, or talk about life. And EOYs came and were gone and we played and realised there was less and less time we could spend with our beloved 401 and so we cherished all the moments we could, singing and being our lovely selves. Then, we graduated, and so, here we are now.

This year has been packed and full with meaningful things. From head to toe, there wasn't a time when I was free and uncommitted. I always had something on one way or another. I guess this is how I've learnt to spend my time over the past four years? You get the experience, and you try...

Anyway, now that we have graduated... I don't feel anything yet. But I'm glad this is the way it is, because we have to move on. And we will move on. But I know for sure that we won't ever fade away. Call it instinct or whatever, but I know that this bond is one which is so very hard to break man. Like what Mdm Lee said, somehow we managed to come together and accept one another's differences and little quirky habits, and love one another through it all.

This is the beauty of our class <3

And so I just wanna say, I won't cry - because I'd let the tears stay in my heart, and they will water the strong tree growing in my heart out of love for all of you now.

I love you, 401. It has been an amazing time spent with you all.

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