Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.

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Hi I miss you I've missed youuu and I'm still missing you. I am starting to live my life as if there's no tomorrow and I do not ever want to regret not doing anything at all. Today was the perfect opportunity. The timing was so right. And the emotions too. That feeling. The atmosphere. Just that I was constantly restraining myself mentally. Always wanting to walk over to do it but not having the courage to do so. I have to stop doing this. If you were to die today (TOUCH FREAKING WOOD) it would seriously be the biggest regret in my life.

To be honest I really won't mind if the world ends this year because it would mean that I have an excuse to tell you I love you. Shit. But that's a damn cowardly way of thinking. And it implicates too many people. So, see, I have to do it soon. Be unafraid. What's wrong with saying out your feelings anyway?

There's just this emotional barrier inside me. It almost manifests itself in a physical way, the strength of it is overwhelming. I would always just stop myself on that brink, even though I've told myself that I would do it today. Argh. Stop it. It's just a simple action. Surely it doesn't require that much effort from you.

I've always thought about what would happen if we chose to continue down this path. To take it further. But the thing is there is that part of me which desires a normal life too. But these two things are so mutually exclusive. There are no exceptions at all.

The only thing which can convince me now is that we only live once. Why would I want to live normally if I only have this lifetime to live it? I think humans are really innately greedy. There's just this thing in us which always wants more and we can't help it. ): Really have to learn to be contented... But then again will we ever move forward - will we ever progress - if we were to maintain stagnant at this level because we are so comfortable with it?

Sigh. Why are these two things so mutually exclusive. I know that to choose one would mean that the other life will be lost to me completely already. Yet I always wonder. What if... What if? What if it really happened? Can we go on loving each other in this way? Sigh. That's for nature to find out.

Right now I'm just gonna enjoy everything which comes my way. Live life to its fullest.

And that means that I have to tell you that I love you soon. I know I will regret it if I don't.

I swear I will hug you tomorrow.

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To be honest I'm really quite proud of myself. I've finished so many books over the past few months. Reading so much. And we all know that reading is an immensely great habit to have(: I am so glad that I have this habit of reading again~

Once again I have gotten back my deep love of languages. I don't know why. But one thing I know is that it sure has been a very long time since I had such a great passion for these methods with which I communicate with others. It's funny how these ups and downs come and go. I must say that I absolutely have no idea why this is so. I can only guess. Sometimes I really just can't speak fluently. Other times the words tumble out of me so natural and brilliantly that I myself am caught off guard. And I marvel at the way my tongue can curl to form those words. And the way my pen can move across the page with such swiftness that it amazes me.

I have learnt to let go. Even if my pen cap is missing, let it go. Mindless worrying will get us nowhere. Seriously. Sometimes you really have to prioritise. You really have to know what's worth crying or pondering over. And if some things are less important than the rest then just don't spend so much energy on them!

Right now my focus is probably to learn my duet properly. And to memorise my script and go through all the cues. And go to edmodo to check out where I am supposed to be for costume changes and which costumes I'm supposed to wear for which scenes. Do I wear the jacket? Do I wear the trench coat? All these you have to decide. (:

Yes yes. And I am glad that I can see the light now. Stop being so clingy. I'm happy enough with the way we are now. Those stolen little moments of peace together. Alone. Without anybody else there in the room. Without anybody's company. Seclusion. Peace. It satisfies my craving. I have to keep remembering that this is the way it is. Without all the hormones messing up my system now. Haha.

Okay goodbye I shall spend some time with Broader Perspective now good night(: See you tomorrow for another 15 hours of school and rehearsals.

So close to reaching that famous happy ending; almost believing that this one's not pretending.

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一向来认为自己非常优秀的我终于明白了：原来我只不过是一个十六岁的小女孩。
刚才在浴室里洗澡时，我不禁又唱起新不了情，以为能够把心中莫名的悲伤全都唱出来。谁晓得，唱了两遍过后还是存在着那种忧心忡忡的感觉。
当时我就停了下来。在水的喷洒下问了自己。如果我是一个中年人，会不会感觉到我现在的心情呢？我会不会为如此的小事感到那么的忧伤呢？
人是可以选择的。盲盲地在别人的面前耍招是没用的。它根本毫无价值。只会让自己显得更加愚蠢。愚昧。它会使大家讨厌你。看不起你。
我不能原谅自己的笨拙。真不敢相信自己会被荒唐的感情牵着鼻子走。我不是那样的人。我是可以控制自己的情绪的。

不必为这种事伤心。

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I don't feel like doing anything today so I shall just go play my guitar or watch a movie (highly unlikely due to how tired I am now) or something. And write in my diary. Yes. Or perhaps I shall just blog it out here. Since I'm sort of in the mood for blogging now already after typing those few sentences above out.

Anyway. It's been so long since I was last here! I can feel my readers steadily decreasing to zero :x Haha. But whatever, I'm glad it's not public too, and that I don't have an obligation to blog. I just blog when I feel like it. Which is great.

Actually to be frank what I want to say is probably too personal to be said here. I shall move over to my other blog or to my diary then(: Yay thanks! Bye! Haha.

Oh by the way this week is the start of many crazy rehearsals to come haha. I can't really believe that the musical is in approximately 35 days' time. That's so soon. And it feels like there are so many things which we are not sure of yet. This is definitely not something professional so I guess we are not doing that badly yet? Maybe my standards are too high. Oh well.

Okay bye.

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Oh hi laptop I haven't seen you in such a long time I've missed you. Ever since I got my smartphone, I spend less and less time on my laptop. Okay this also means that I'm spending more and more time on my handphone. Which could be a good or a bad thing. But right now I figure it's not really that good. The only good thing about it is that I can read the news anywhere I am and can also learn new words everyday >< But still. You know. Oh the time I spend on social media is so much more now as compared to last time.

These few days I've had a lot of things going on in my heart. Many indecisions. And many exaggeration of things. I really feel I over-think things too much sometimes. I don't know why.

It's like when a particular topic comes up I always overthink it. And it's only for that topic alone. Not really for anything else. In fact it's a very huge contrast because I know I seem very detached and emotionally monotonous to everyone else. I don't know whether I feel that way to you or not, but that's not the point yeah. This afternoon I was just thinking about how shocking it is that I can conceal my emotions relatively well. Is it really that Aquarians are very detached and aloof people? And are afraid to show their emotions?

You know sometimes I think I set too much store by horoscopes. I mean, how can this simple thing control the way I am? How can it actually define who I am and change me? The mind is a really strange thing.

Anyway, this afternoon, after that bout of emoness and torn feelings, I became much more positive after spending time with Shu Ning in the classroom. It's like she was this presence I needed - not being absent but not talking too much either. It was a great comfort. And she was playing songs on YouTube. Beautiful songs like Jar of Hearts and The Piano Guys' 5 Secrets etc. And I'm thankful for that. It really helped to soothe my ragged emotions.

I know I've said this a countless number of times before but music really soothes me. It changes me. It teaches me to relax. It's the method by which I allow myself to be discharged. It's the transition between craziness and optimism... I have no idea why it helps me so much.

A hidden connection, perhaps. But nevertheless, still there.

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