& not-so deep secrets
huiting says hi
Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:
This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.
Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.
Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)
人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.
more of me
Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Tuesday, June 26, 2012 @ 8:24 PM
I feel so useless as a friend. If I can't even convince her on what is right - if I can't even point out to her and tell her that what she's doing is wrong - what's the point of being a friend? What sort of lousy person am I anyway? To go along with her just to keep myself in her good books. What the fuck man. Why am I such a useless person. Why am I so lousy.
Why. WHY. Screw my life. Screw myself and my emotions. SCREW IT ALL. Seriously.
Fuck. And now I can't even convince myself that I shouldn't be doing this. Yes, I'm blogging about this. Yes, I know I should be throwing away my crappy pretense. But I'm not doing so. I'm not even feeling like I should do so. How can I inspire the world in this way.
How can I be who I want to be in this way?!
How can I even claim that someday, I wanna become an important someone. 一位不平凡的人。
This can all go to ashes now.back to top?
Monday, June 11, 2012 @ 12:55 PM
What the hell.
I realise I tend to blog a lot when I am stuck at home for the whole day. I'll just naturally gravitate towards the computer, you know, and do whatever I'm not supposed to be doing. Like checking Facebook or Twitter for example. And when there's really nothing else left for me to do I'd blog. About how I have nothing to do. Or perhaps about some interesting observations I see around the house or outside the house. Just now I was just talking about how the sky to my left looks so ominously grey. And if you don't know my left is the north-west-ish area. And yep, I've noticed that storms tend to brew up from that area. Perhaps it's because the rain clouds tend to come down south from Malaysia or something.
And yes, I was talking about how the birds are squawking so madly to my right. It's as if they sense that something foreboding is coming. Ah well. I was also talking about how I have done nothing much in the morning. I only read a few pages of 《公鹿的脚印》 and did a bit of my Physics BT2 Topic Practice questions. How unproductive I am. But well at least I've understood some things.
I am trying hard to stay away from the bedroom, because there's just this aura around it which lulls people to sleep. It's like once you step through the door, you feel that heaviness in the air which then infects your body somehow. And you sit down on the bed - because there's nowhere else to sit on - and somehow you just automatically decide to stretch out. And you feel ever-so-tired already, and you just sleep. However it's not like this sleep is the good kind of sleep. It doen't really invigorate me. It doesn't rejuvenate me. It makes me feel worse. More tired when I wake up. And so I'd much rather stay away from that place.
And right now my stomach for some reason just aches lol I shall go to the toilet and plan out what else I want to do today in the process of clearing my intestines. Okay that sounded crude but whatever.
Okay I'm back. I feel like my intestines are really dirty. And screw it, it's 12.54pm already?! I shall go do work now, seriously. Bye.back to top?
Sunday, June 10, 2012 @ 11:10 AM
fly birdie fly
It feels as if we are so short on time recently. As if we have so many things to do but only possess so little time to do them. So what do we do to help ourselves, in situations like this?
Well technically I guess we are supposed to just slow down and take things one step at a time. Not want too many things at once, you know. Like what the Chinese comprehension passage says. When one sets realistic goals for oneself one would be able to reach them in no time at all. Now, though, it feels as if the school is expecting too much from itself :x Wanting us students to do well in our block tests, and at the same time wanting the musical to be a huge success. And so they push the block tests forward. But it feels surreal somehow, that the block tests are less than a month away. Yes. Our first paper is on the 3rd of July. Isn't that too much of a rush already? It was just mere weeks ago that our last paper ended. And we can't help but feel as if we are perpetually under stress. The time to play is over. The time to work is here.
Then again, this year hasn't been much of a playground for me. I barely had time to really just heck care about school and play. Not like how I used to spend my first terms last time... Maybe it symbolises that I have grown up already. I feel so aware of everything going on in my life. But it's giving me many premature white hairs as well. My brain feels like it's wired to remember everything and to notice everything this year. Sometimes I wonder if I'm giving myself too much of a burden...
Sure, I don't know where my limits are yet. I'm still trying, and experimenting. Haha I'm reminded of what she said. If you can't drink any more, don't drink, just stop. 不用稀罕用来买它的那几块钱。Cause we're not trying to test our limits.
Am I trying to test my limits now then? Going for the musical, and for my singing lessons, and for dance lessons too. What am I trying to prove, actually? That I can do it? That I can do anything if I want to? Yet there's still a part of me which is clinging on to the conventions. I'm unwilling to let go of my results and my academic work. But how will I be able to concentrate fully on those other things if I'm like this?
I think I'm just too scared to let go. I'm scared that I will fail. That's why I must have this lifeline hanging there for me. Something for me to grab on lest I get washed away by the current.
But how can I achieve anything if I'm so afraid? Yes, "it's all the dreams that never came true cause you're too damn scared to try" (Wawa).
Wah freak, why am I so scared arh? What do I have to lose? Nothing much, actually. I mean, even if I fail, I'd still have my life. And I'd be able to try again. So what the hell. Why so afraid of failing? Maybe I'm really part of the 草莓族 and I've been deluding myself all along.
But no now. Not any more. I shall just let go of it all. Let go of all the fears and insecurities and really live life in a brilliant way.
@ 12:00 AM
Once you build it up, it will never come down again
I am very tempted to change my url to whatmakesit-beautiful.blogspot.com.
It feels like this current url has already served its purpose, you know. And it's time to change to a new one(: But then again, I don't know whether this urge to change my url is just some impulse or something, so I guess I won't change it yet. whatmakesit-beautiful looks like one of those random statuses that you will have in mind, you know. And after today I may not like it any more. I guess will see(:
Ah, even as I'm saying that I wanna change the url, I'm still just that little bit loathe to do so, because after all, this url has followed me through so many years. Though I feel as if I've outgrown it, a little. It's still a close companion, though. Something familiar and solid. I can still remember that first day I created this blog. When I thought about the design of it, and inserted the font. And when I thought about what url I wanted to use. Because, you know, the url of a blog does define it to a certain extent. It sticks with you for a very, very long time, and it sort of summarises everything your blog is about. And why you want to blog.
I still remember how I was quite frustrated that the-melodyoflife.blogspot.com was not available for usage. I was so content with living then. It was like the first few months in which I discovered my passion for life, and the reason for my existence. I felt like every day was a gift from the gods. Every single thing I did. Going to Li Shuen's house to practice for her piano recital, taking up singing lessons, going out with friends, the 213 chalet... Everything. It's like there was this hidden unsung melody in my life that was starting to show its tune. And I'm singing along with it. Lol that's how the name of this blog came about...
Now though, I don't know whether it's because I'm too used to this idea already or what, but I feel like the melody of life is not such a big thing any more. There are ugly things in life too, and those are that which defines the beauty of life. Once again, without ugliness, great things can't be achieved. So yeah(:
Okay I shall go to sleep now. These few days have been so amazing for me. I feel like I've been transported to another world and back again. Another world a few million light years away. It's hard to believe that just yesterday, we did all that we did and we were sitting by the river side. Somehow it feels like it was further away than yesterday.
But never mind. Now I can concentrate. Now I can focus. I know I've built the foundation already, and this building of ours is never going to topple or collapse completely. There's that linkage there that will forever be there, you know, even if we don't see each other every day.
That's the true beauty of friendship, you know.back to top?
Wednesday, June 6, 2012 @ 4:43 PM
Music is the cure to my everything
I sincerely hate this afternoon. And the dreary mood it brings. I hate the hotness of the sun, the brightness of the sky. I hate the too-bright and painful-to-watch reflection from the roofs of the houses around the neighbourhood. I hate how the sun seems to shine with a vengence. As if it wants to burn down everything on this Earth with its frightful rays.
I can't concentrate on anything.
It's during moments like this when I discover how I actually have this need to stay out of the house in the afternoon. And I remember the reason why I always try to escape the confines of the house.
I seriously cannot stand staying in the house for the whole day. Damn, now I guess I can only sit here and listen to music and blog. And eat chocolate.
Monday, June 4, 2012 @ 10:15 PM
Sweet dreamsI shall go to sleep now and think about love. (: back to top?
Sunday, June 3, 2012 @ 4:20 PM
The mouse went up the clock.
I have a sudden desire to blog. I LOVE CHOCOLATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. And now I finally feel like I have a life outside of Nanyang. Like I am actually doing something in the real world instead of being the innocent girl I was before. Okay, not really innocent, but limited. But then again maybe I was innocent. Maybe I seemed innocent to other people. Because of my lack of knowledge. My ignorance of the world around me.
Strangely enough I have come to terms once again of what I wanna do in this life. Right now my emphasis is not only on relationships, but on exploring the world. I know I'm young. And that's why I wanna experience life the way young people do. Just throw away my responsibilities and a part of my sensibilities for now. I know I shouldn't do some things, but I still wanna try them. Be a teenager for once. Be a young adult. Because once I'm past this age I can't do it any more. There are some things you have to really grasp in life, and this is one of them. The knowledge, the feel of being young. I'm glad I realised this soon enough that I can savour every moment. Every emotion I feel. Every tug-of-war happening inside of me regarding my conscience and who I'm supposed to be versus what I am doing/want to do. This is great.
Even though I know some things aren't exactly right, I'm still gonna do them, because I wanna experience how doing them feels. Even if they bring about some consequences I know might be severe. I think that is how I can truly understand the rationale behind not doing such things. Until then, I'll just be blindly following what others say, and would not be able to truly believe in what I'm doing. How is that me, then? How can I come to terms with that when I know that I'm living someone else's beliefs?
Sometimes I find that being in this state is such a wondrous thing. It's like being both first person and third person at once. I am in it, yet I can look at it from the outside. Both at once! Being able to enjoy whatever it is that I enjoy but also being able to see if I'm wrong. This is a gift, actually, a skill I realise I had after coming back from Nanjing.
And within two hours just now, I was just thinking about how every part of my life has shaped me into who I am today. Every touch, every action, everything I do. I never used to be a touchy kind of person. When people hugged me, I would just stand there awkwardly. Until somehow, one day, I've managed to bridge that gap. And I am pleasantly surprised when someone lies on my shoulder. It's a very nice kind of feeling you know, just sitting there together, knowing that you mean something.
I guess I've learnt the language of touch(:
It's the first time it has been able to comfort me. That the touch of another doesn't make me feel awkward and want to pull away. In fact it felt nice. Nice that someone would want to get close to me in this way. I haven't been able to communicate very well by using my sense of touch. But now I've learnt, and another new world has been opened up to me!
I'm not as aloof as I was before.
Makes me think of how certain predictions and fortune cookies and horoscopes are actually not that accurate. They are interesting to look at, but they don't define what you do. What you are. What you become.
Thanks for lending me your arms.back to top?
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When the days are cold What to do? The Last Paradise Rationality? Logic? Well fuck you. Hawaii Contemplation. Best way to go about your day A Journey Somewhere I lost a piece of me; smoking cigarettes... what?