some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Thursday, May 31, 2012 @ 8:18 PM
"On this day of your life, HuiTing, we believe God wants you to know ... that you cannot let this day pass without telling the people you love that you love them."

Hello(: It's been such a long time since I last posted here! I kinda miss it here. The feeling of sharing my thoughts with someone else indirectly, and the feeling that you will never know who's reading your blog posts.
Today's post will be about feelings.

For the majority of this year I have committed to letting myself be led by my feelings. And I'm still doing that now, in case you're wondering. Though at the beginning of the year I was such a hard, logical and unemotional creature, I believe that I've changed.
I don't know what causes me to be so extreme though. Lol.
Right now I just want to live my life the way I can live it. Free. Without any boundaries. Not even by school, or commitments, or the musical, or anything. Free.
It's funny how something that simple can cause such a drastic change within me.
Is my heart really that capable of controlling my body? And even my mind?
What is my heart, exactly? Is it like a mind? A brain? What differentiates it from the brain?
For I know that the heart is definitely not the mind. Okay, I guess the answer should be obvious. The heart feels more while the brain thinks more. Usually when one talks about the heart one is talking about how one feels. And when one talks about the brain, one will - naturally - be talking about what one is thinking. 
Oh, at this point you will ask me, "what is the difference between feeling and thinking then?"
You know it's different. It's just different.
Sometimes I wonder what will happen if we have a third thing inside us which controls the type of decisions we make. Besides our heart and brain. The logical and emotional creatures we are... Perhaps if we existed in 4D then we would have that third thing. Haha. I'm just randomly hypothesising.

Lalala. I have given my body completely over to feeling nowadays. And I realised that I've done this before. No matter how long ago. Before last year, I was doing this. Because I thought I was loving someone. What, then is this what love does then? Allow you to think in different ways? I think love is wonderful.

I seem to have lost my ability to be structured and concise. Then again, I seem to have lost my ability to even sit still and follow through with one train of thought completely.

I'm so easily distracted. By my thoughts, my heart, and my phone. And even my own head. The television. Those things that weren't a distraction at all in the past become distractions now.

All because of one thing. Or a combination of factors. I don't know.

But I know definitely at least one thing which makes up the whole change in me.

When I'm with you,
the world just seems to go round.

I love you.
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Wednesday, May 9, 2012 @ 6:43 PM
I want to be the bad guy.

Someday, somehow, somewhere
Somewhere over the rainbow
I want to fly
I am flying

My heart is leaping, my mind is flying, my lips are smiling.

Even the word smile looks happy.

Consumed with the joy of existing.

I think I am an existentialist. Without a body, I would die. I don't really believe that souls exist. I'm not really convinced.

Well, how could you blame me? There's no shred of evidence which shows that everyone has a soul, or a spirit. Well, maybe there is, but those are just speculations. Superstitions. At this moment it's hard to say that you can exist in some form after death. Logic doesn't prove that way.

But far from thinking like how Miss Teng decribed existentialists to think, I don't feel that since there is no supposed life after death, I should just point a gun to my head to end all suffering now. It makes me feel more determined to live my life the way I want it to be.
What to do with money.
What to do with time.
What I want to accomplish.
If I'm going to stop existing in any form after I am pronounced legally dead, then why give it all up now?

Actually as much as I'd like to think that humans do not have souls, it doesn't really explain why I'm me. But I'd hate to go into that topic now. I don't want to even leave a shred of me to be convinced by that idea.

Miss Teng said that no matter who we are, we must have a reference point in order to go forward. To advance. And that reference point must be outside of us. We cannot just think that the best thing for us will be the best thing to do. That can't be the case, or else the world would be in chaos.

I want to be the bad guy. I want to be the one who bashes everybody up and in the end is subdued by the good guy.

Without me, good will never show.

Without me, the world would be nothing.

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Tuesday, May 8, 2012 @ 9:58 PM
whenever you're in the same room I have to resist the urge to run over and hug you

我相信爱能证明一切  够真心会超越时间
多付出也多了喜悦  让幸福蔓延

No matter which language I try to think in now   it feels weird.
I should go.

Bye.

And somehow I just keep having the faith that we can be together.

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Monday, May 7, 2012 @ 9:17 PM
Musical rehearsals

My life  一直在等待  空荡的口袋  想在里面放一份爱
Why 总是被打败  真的好无奈  其实我实实在在不管帅不帅

Today was awesome. If you define awesome as flinging all your homework and all that you need to do aside for a self-initiated project. Something you committed yourself to doing.

Okay I have to go now. The director will probably scold me for not memorising my lines. Yet. Sigh.

Titles can be misleading.

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@ 12:01 AM
Of fantasies and realities and worlds and beauty

I am so very proud of myself because I just have just completed my portion of the extended essay we had to do, and that I was sitting still (relatively still) for two hours doing it(: And I was able to stay focused all the way! (disregarding that small break in which I suddenly felt a little hungry - I was unable to determine whether it was physical hunger or mental hunger; I sat still and thought about that for a while - and decided to get up to eat bread. That was when I opened the refrigerator door and realised that the cream cheese has become mouldy already): It was sad. I thought that this time I could actually finish off the cheese before mould started growing on it... But obviously, that wish didn't come true. Lol. Another wastage of half a tub of cream cheese... Sigh. It's frustrating how mould manages to grow so quickly on cream cheese. Is it that nutritious?! Well yes, I suppose it is.

I'm sorry, but I digress a lot :X Nonetheless, I'm back on my previous track of thought. Or is it train of thought? Both sounds alright, though I guess people usually use the latter more often.

I feel that it is very important for one to write frequently. Practice is essential. Even though I don't believe that practice makes perfect (that would depend on what your definition of "perfect" is), it is still a necessary part of life before you can succeed. Sigh. To be coherent... Is it that hard? Up till now I still don't understand why I am so incoherent at times. Now is the time when my thoughts and fingers flow smoothly in sync together. My brain is able to pick from that array of words from the vocabulary range in my head and join those words up into a sentence quickly. Much more quickly than usual. If you count incoherence as my usual. I wonder why this is so.

What is the trigger, precisely? I haven't read much these days. What I've just done was only to edit an essay... To be honest I was feeling a little aghast at the slight grammatical errors. I dislike incoherence. Yet it comes to me often. It is possible for me to maintain this level of fluency? I don't know.

What I do know, though, is that focused moments like this are extremely hard to come by for me. I can rarely sit still for so long. Maybe I have subconsciously decided that I have slacked enough over the past few weeks and that I really should get to work now. Or maybe my inner self or my brain has decided to completely be convinced by the horoscope readings of this week, as mentioned in douhao. I think I set too much store by these predictions, sometimes. Yet how can I not? I automatically seek some connection between them and my life, and when even the tiniest things are proven to be true, I am won over completely. No turning back. Is mind really over matter? If it is, then what's over your mind?

With these thoughts, I shall go to bed now, also with a part of my body and mind anticipating tomorrow, when I can dance it all out. Another part of me is living in awe of Jeremy Renner, whom I have decided that I really like as an actor, and a person. He just gets to me somehow. Some sort of a charm. I suppose this proves that the concept of style does exist. And of liking someone. Some things just appeal to you. It's irrational in a way. But then again, when has our mind ever been really rational? When have we ever thoroughly understood the workings of our brain?

That's the question. (:

I will be brave, I will not let anything take away
what's standing front of me.
Every breath, every hour has come to this.

One step closer.

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Saturday, May 5, 2012 @ 9:29 AM
the sky's shining clouds' dancing it's time to fly and be free

唉。I have pride. Stubborn pride. Too much pride sometimes. It must have come from my father.

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喜欢一个人,是怎么样的?你喜欢他,是喜欢他的什么?你如何能确定那是友情,还是爱情?或者是那更稀少的亲情?

喜欢一个人时,你怎么知道你是否真的想和他在一起?尤其是当你们俩之间的关系有那么的复杂。。。跟别人说,也说不清。

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I try to be normal. I try to blend in with the crowd. I try not to stand out.
I try to allow every single one of my actions to feel normal. Look normal.
I don't want to catch anybody's eye. Don't want anyone to look past it to the real thing.
Right now it seems like a joke.
Yet...

I'm ever so cautious.

Sometimes I wonder if this sort of experience is really worth it?
But there is nothing I can do anyway.

I miss her. My friend. My teacher. My beacon of hope. Amidst all this chaos in the world, I miss her.

And now it's time to go back to work.

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Thursday, May 3, 2012 @ 11:02 PM
hug your pillow and think about love

It's funny how I can always set aside time for the discoursing of my thoughts even when the sky is falling down. Okay you know I don't mean that literally. But yes, there are so many other things I should be doing now but I am more willing to spend time here, recording down the complex workings of my brain.

These days I've been feeling very happy. There's that leaping feeling inside me again, whenever I think of life. Somehow I've come to associate this feeling with what goes on inside my heart (and maybe a little of what goes on inside my head). So far, to be frank, I've experienced this feeling across all of three periods. The first time was in Sec 2, or Sec 1, when, you know. Then it was the beginning of this year, when I realised how much I loved 401 and how glad I am to be in this class. That feeling of love has subsided somewhat, though I am still glad that I am a part of this miracle. It's just that reality catches up to me sometimes, and I am forced to remember the differences which will forever lie between some of us. Nevertheless, I still try, and continue trying. Right now I must say that I have succeeded to a certain extent; I've gotten closer to those five other people who have embarked on this dancing project with me.

It seems like fate that in the end, I am the one doing the cover with them, and I am a part of the group. Fate. Just because of one single incident. One absentee. One reason to stay away. And here I am.
I don't know what prompted me to do it. Impulse, perhaps? Or a careful thinking through of the possible advantages (which include slimming down. okay, exercising) and disadvantages? Or just some basic instinct which allowed me to enter this world of uncertainties?

I don't know.

Okay, back to my previous point. You must be wondering when the third period is. Or maybe you've already guessed. Haha. Ah I realise I've already mentioned it earlier. Lol. Yes, these days I've been happy. That leaping feeling inside my heart... I wonder if you've ever experienced it before? It's like a bubble of happiness, filling me with life. Filling my self with an appreciation I would otherwise not be able to feel under normal circumstances.

My moods fluctuate up and down. All the time. Sometimes I wonder if what I feel is controlled by the action of mere hormones. But what right do they have to determine how I feel? This idea of hormones affecting my mood repels me. It... frightens me a little. It's like admitting that I don't technically have control over my own body...

Let us not talk about the sad or confusing issues. For now.

For now, let us just focus on the happy things(: Like that feeling inside my heart. Oh. Self-acceptance. I've finally begun to accept this part of me. I know it's inevitable. I know it's me. And I don't feel self-conscious or abnormal in any way. It's natural.

I don't have anything to worry about now(:

I'll just carry on loving, and thinking, and feeling this world. Xu Rong Zhe laoshi was right. When you start experiencing this world with sensibility instead of just sense, it would become so much more alive.

That's the basis of being human.

I am happy to hope, dream, and laugh.

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Tuesday, May 1, 2012 @ 4:26 PM
The Melody of Life

Right now, my goal in life is to be happy. No matter what happens next. Just be happy. Be happy for now. Enjoy what you can have(: Every single facet of life; every second spent - enjoy it. I realise I must have a goal to work towards before I can be happy. Like just now. How hope just sprung up in me. Hope that we can really be professional and dance professionally. And one day be able to create an awesome cover that's seriously good. Be able to blow away our audience.

And I know that that's possible. As long as we are determined. As long as we are willing to spend the time on it. We will improve.

Strangely enough this does offer me insight into my life. Are humans just as how the gamemaker in The Matrix made us out to be? Not happy unless we have some sort of goal in life? Unless we have the ability to make decisions, even if the decisions lead us to somewhere unfortunate in life? Are we really like this?

These few weeks I've only been able to see the negative side of issues. I wonder where my positivity went. Oh well.

But I know I can't keep living in the past either. (: I can't keep holding on to the person I was before, because times change. People change. If I keep staying in the past I'll never be able to move forward. And never be able to fully enjoy life.

Yeah, that's it! I won't be able to embrace the present fully if I chain myself to the past!

Hope is a very strong thing. What makes us human is so much more than just those physical genes and traits.

I wish I could comprehend.

It's time to remember why this blog was titled The Melody of Life in the first place.

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