& not-so deep secrets
huiting says hi
Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:
This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.
Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.
Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)
人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.
more of me
Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Sunday, April 29, 2012 @ 10:51 PM
Post emptyI'm feeling very desolate now. My life's not in order. My things are gone. My notes are missing. I'm not getting enough sleep. Sigh. Been going out too much nowadays. I definitely can't go out again. It would be too much. I must get my emotions in order. My priorities straight. They are in a mess right now. And I am tired. So tired. Is this revenge for screwing up and slacking so much? I hate procrastinating. back to top?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012 @ 9:38 PM
I was seized with a sudden desire to blog, and so I am here. But now that I am here, I don't really have an inkling of what I might want to be typing about. Oh well. I guess I just wanted to let the words flow from my head. And not just trapping them inside this confined, small area. They need to flow! Or else my brain will never be powered. Lol.
I am thinking in terms of charges. I think Physics is quite an interesting subject. I would like it, actually, if not for the fact that some topics are quite boring... Okay actually I do like it, especially regarding some issues like lightning or whatever, but for the rest, like the equations of motion and everything... I don't see how they are useful >< Okay theoretically I know that they are useful and that I may use them in the future, but they are just so... Boring. Sigh. Nevertheless I understand that to reach a higher level I must first clear the basics though. This is the truth which lies behind everything.
Anyway, just now, after the rehearsal ended, I was talking to Mr. Pang about my vocal range and everything. He said he hasn't written the duet yet, but I didn't have to worry. (cause I was worrying that the key he wrote in would be too high for me... since my range is not the typical female range :/) The most wonderful thing was that he said that he knew my voice. "I know your voice. I noted it down/noticed you during the audition." And there and then I felt this most unbelievable sense of wonder and joy that someone actually listened to my voice and actually cared about it. It was then when I felt like I truly mattered.
I realised that all along, I've been belittling myself too much. I am actually important. I am important. Unique. A necessary part of the show. And I shouldn't be acting humble or whatever. I shouldn't be trying to hide what I'm capable of. I think over the past few years I have unfortunately cultivated the (sometimes unhealthy) habit of trying to blend in with the crowd.
There is nothing wrong with standing out.
I never thought that the day would come when I am reassuring myself that I am the best - that I am important -, but here it is! And I must start getting used to being in the limelight once again. Why so afraid? If you want something, just do it to the best of your abilities. Don't hold back. Don't even think that you should hold back because you are afraid that your best is just not good enough. No. Delete that thought. Delete it at once now. I know that sometimes you don't do your best because you are afraid that you won't be praised for it. I know you feel that if you are not doing your best, and someone criticises you, you at least have a route to backtrack on, by saying that you can do better than that.
However, that's not the way to go. Why hold back so much? Why be so afraid to be criticised? Even the best artistes have their critics.
Don't be afraid to let go!back to top?
Monday, April 23, 2012 @ 4:57 PM
Hi it's good to be back! I've missed my laptop. Haha. Okay maybe not really missed it per se, just that I missed the feeling of being able to use my laptop any time, even to dance.
Speaking of which I feel like dancing now. I've been stuffing myself with Skyflakes crackers and cream cheese even though I'm already very full. This is what I mean by saying it's never good to have food in the house. I think part of this stuffing-myself attitude is due to the fact that before now, there have rarely been days where the house is full of food. Maybe once in a year we'll have such days. Lol. But now that my brother is not at home most of the time... Food remains untouched. And they keep piling up. Before this, when whole packets of food can disappear within a day, I never had to worry about when they will expire. Now, though, milk/cheese/ham/stuff remains in the fridge for such a long time (as compared to last time) that I always have to smell stuff before gorging them down >< Heh. Guess it'll train my ability to determine whether food has gone bad or not!
I was attempting to write my yi lun wen just now but I gave up. I simply do not have the motivation to write it >< I guess I'll write it later! Oh well.
These days my body has been... Weak. It's like I've gotten a lot of injuries in a short time. And it's not the kind of normal blue-black/cuts or whatever. It's the kind which I rarely get and which scares me now. Bites, tears, cuts, swells. Like, what the hell is going on with me man! Has my immune system been suppressed to such an extent? Well, if it has, then what is it which caused it to become like this? The stress due to block tests?
Especially since this block test is like the worst one I've ever been through.
Okay I concede that most people will beat me up for saying that because it is actually not.. too bad. But if you compare it to my history of results... It's not good, baby. In a way I'm looking forward to tomorrow's musical rehearsal, when I can just unleash the full force of my emotions on whoever happens to be there at that point of time. And no one can blame me, either.
I've realised that fury makes me into so much more a better person.
I can see more clearly when I'm furious. It's great. Though it seems ironic, in some sense. But yeah, it sharpens my perspective. Like a metal(:
I can't believe it's 4.53pm already. Where did my afternoon go? Today is an unbearably hot day. And this week is unbelievable. So many things to do. So many things to keep track of. My brain has already failed me twice. I'm willing to bet that it will be able to fail me again. Somehow my schedule is so packed that I can't really register every single detail. Maybe I'm not used to it yet. But yeah.
Okay, I've got to go. My eyelids are so heavy. Drooping. Sigh, rest..
This is so beautifulback to top?
Sunday, April 22, 2012 @ 3:09 PM
Sometimes i really hate myself. I want to say it. But in the end, i just choose to ignore and hope it goes away. In my heart i know the answer. But somehow i keep thinking that i like her. When i see others talking to her, i feel jealous. I feel like kping that fellow. But i just sit there and look as they happily chat. Knowing that it kills me inside. Now i know how she felt. Well, maybe now you have someone else to share whatever you have to say with. And maybe i can finally forget your existence. ...I've never felt this way before.
If you are reading my blog (that is highly unlikely though), I'm sorry if it bothers you that I put this up. I have to remind myself of what went on two years ago, somehow. They don't know you anyway. Oh gosh. Two years. I can't believe it.
The memories flow. Wow. Once something triggers them (like this) they'll just all start floating to the surface of my mind.
I don't even remember my previous url already. I wonder if you still post in your blog? Maybe. But now it's locked, and I'll probably never gain access into your head again. Oh well. Maybe it's locked cause my that blog is locked too. And gone. Sadly even if I want you to read it again now there is no way that I'll be able to do it subtly enough >< Heh. There are some new things in it that will probably shock you out of your life too. Lolol. hahaha. It'll shock anyone else too, to be fair. Lolol.
I knew that you actually cared. But why? That's what i only want to know you're becoming like me in a way. And when i switch from your dark blog into her SHOCKING pink blog. It feels different. The type of coversations that i have with her and those that i have with you. Both are people i can share everything with, except one thing. Well , that thing is different from both of you.
Haha. I always get that little jolt when I see something which reminds me so much of you! Something I've read before. I'm moving away soon. At the end of this year. It'll mean the end of many things... But then again, it's also the beginning of some things.
I wonder if we will have any contact in the future? When the two of us are both adults already. Haha, now we're already on our way to becoming adults anyway. Nothing like what we were before, 3 years ago. 13! And 14! Such young years! Happily now I can discern much more. Though it doesn't prevent me from forgetting completely.
There are some incidents, and some people, who will stay in your heart forever, even when they have already physically extracted themselves from your life. You are one of them to me.
Anyway, to answer your question... You ask why I cared? Well, because you were one of the most important people in my life then. You made me laugh when I was down. You spent time with me. You made me happy.
You were my best friend....
How could I not care? From the first time we met we already got along well. And it's not just the dumb parts of the game too. Through thick and thin, you stuck with me. It's like you were already a part of me. So how could I not care?
But then again, maybe it was my hormones at that point of time. Haha. Now I can differentiate more clearly between friends and lovers, for guys. Yes, I used to not be able to do that. Before last year. Lol. But now I'm good(: Yeah. It's the process of growing up!
I don't know whether it is out of habit or what, but yeah, you still affect me (in a way) and truly, you have already altered me into who I am today.back to top?
Saturday, April 21, 2012 @ 6:09 PM
I believe I can fly~
All my life I've been good, but now,
Okay I shall stop quoting from various songs. You ask me how life is? It's been fine. Though there have been some ups and downs recently. Over that thing I can't say, or else my life will be ruined. It probably will not be that bad, but some things will change. People will change too. And hence I can't say it out.
Sometimes I wish I could, but that feeling will be smothered immediately by my knowledge of my surroundings and my friends. Of society. The labels. The stereotypes. The assumptions.
Yes, indeed, things will change.
Otherwise, besides this, all is relatively well. Okay I'm actually not using the correct term lol. Because if you compare my life before and my life now, what I'm experiencing now is actually quite horrible. If you judge in terms of academic scores.
But what do I care? Some things must be sacrificed for me to perform well in other areas. And now what I have to do is to ensure that I am concentrating on this other area I want to do well in. Instead of relaxing about one thing and not doing my best for the other, causing everything to be screwed up as well.
Actually, I must admit that a part of me gets disappointed when I see my less-than-desirable results. It's not something I desire.
Aiya, let's face it, no one is perfect that way :x I definitely haven't reached that stage where I can completely let go. But I get over it too(: And I'm learning to see what's important to me.
Sigh there are really some things I want to type but it would be too dangerous to do so. Some things you just have to keep them to yourself. Some things you just can't say.
Anyway, I am stunned by the fantastic voice of Jemma Rix. Oh Elphaba. This is the unique beauty of musicals... Their vocals are so good D: I would give anything - anything - to hear her sing again. It's one of a kind): And so different from hearing it recorded. It's so real. So clear. So full. The singers are so powerful to be able to repeat this feat every night for so many nights in a row...
DAMN I WANNA HEAR HER AGAIN. I WON'T MIND PAYING $58 JUST TO HEAR HER!back to top?
Wednesday, April 18, 2012 @ 9:06 PM
Hello, all. Time has passed us by.
Yes, I am excited by the US trip. And I am also happy about the new camaradarie formed between myself and Dora. And gradually Mei Ling.
Today I learnt more about myself, and about those around me. I learnt that Shing is a very sensitive person, inside. I learnt that Dora cares a lot about the feelings of people. Whether or not they are her good friends. I'm not sure whether I should be saying this here, but well. I hope that there's only these selected few of you who know this url. And who bother to read my blog, actually.
We got back our SRQ today. Nothing much; it's the same old score I've always gotten. The same. No difference. Even the allocation of the mark is identical. 6, 7. Even though I was sure that I had caught something this time.
Nonetheless, it's fine.
I remember the article I read about the negative effects of day-dreaming on humans. How those who tend to dream about a future are usually those unrealistic and impractical ones. And how studies have shown that these people were less likely to hold good jobs. I scoffed at this article then.
Maybe it's finally starting to make sense now.
I'm not undermining my abilities. But then again, sometimes you have to question, do things like this really matter? Do they make a difference?
Once again I cannot believe that it's 9.14pm already. I am tired. How time flies.
I will not push myself past my bedtime today because I will regret it. Definitely. I am so tired already. From all that dancing and playing of badminton today. That period of time in the hall feels so distant. Like yesterday. Sigh.
I wonder if you care about me too.back to top?
Saturday, April 14, 2012 @ 5:02 PM
Homosexuality - is it a choice?
I know of some friends who feel that they will not mix around with homosexuals; some say that they will even not "support" them. This, according to them, is based on the fact that they believe that homosexuals choose to be homosexuals. In other words, they are the ones who choose to like a person from the same sex.
However, when we examine this from another point of view... Is it really their choice? Okay, lets try it out with other examples. Can you, for instance, choose the specific things you like, or do you just like them? Think of your favourite colour now. Why do you like it? Maybe it's because it makes you feel comfortable. Why does it make you feel comfortable then? Sometimes it's because it's connected to something in your past which makes you like it. That is understandable, and we'll talk about it later. However, sometimes, you just like it. It makes you feel good for a reason you don't understand.
So this is why I don't think people should hate on homosexuals. It's not as if they had a choice regarding which sex they like. Sometimes a particular sex just seems more attractive to them. So yeah, blame it on Science then :x
Anyway, it's not like homosexuals have some sort of gross sexual fantasies or whatever. They feel normal liking another person of the same sex. I think people tend to overthink things, and stereotype lesbians or gays. It is unfair. When you talk about gays, you tend to associate them with negative things. Well, cause it's "going against nature", in a sense. Then again, that is based on the assumption that nature decreeds that humans should only have romantic feelings for someone of the opposite sex. What if homosexuality is part of nature too? Like how Down Syndrome and Huntington's Disease are? For every one option, there has to be another one which counteracts it. Nature is already telling us that this is so; we have discovered the positron, and other forms of antimatter. So why is it that people can't seem to accept gays?
Don't tell me that it's because it is not productive for the country in terms of population growth and birth rate.
Okay, back to the point, homosexuals are not mentally unstable. They know full well what they are thinking. When you talk about truly liking a person, or even loving someone, it means that you like that person's character. Well, in this case, then sex has nothing to do with it. Sex as in gender. Meh. Whether that person is male or female doesn't determine whether you like his or her character, right?
Okay, on to the next point. If you feel that homosexuality isn't part of nature, then fine, it must be nurtured then. If you grew up in an environment where everybody believes it's fine to develop romantic feelings for any person regardless of their sex, then you'll follow what they believe in, right? Because it's right and normal to feel that way. Right now in reality though, majority of humans are heterosexuals. And so homosexuals stand out. And so people shun them because they are the "odd ones out". How is this even fair? Here we are, talking about fallacies again. This is obvious an argumentum ad populum. Hi everyone, please stop following the crowd, and start thinking with your own minds tyvm.
You know sometimes I wonder if the world would be different without those shallow people haggling about small details. Yes, they say that to accomplish great things, one has to look at the big picture and leave all the details to those others who are lower than one is, but without those "smaller" people, will this world still exist? Will great things still be done?
For every argument, there must be someone who points out all the small - albeit insignificant - slips. Even if that person loses face for it. Only then will those "smarter" ones stand out. Is this a case of survival of the fittest? I don't know. All I know, with a certainty, is that the world cannot be a homogenous place. Variation is important. Haha, even Biology teaches us that. Genetic variation, blah blah blah.
The important thing is, I am willing to be that one soul who gets pushed down for others to reach greater heights.
Call it altruism at its highest level, or whatever, but I have long since accepted that for some to win, others have to lose. I have already gotten over scrambling for the highest point, because that is - forgive me for the pun - pointless.back to top?
Monday, April 9, 2012 @ 8:23 PM
Hello! I have recently re-acquired the love of listening to music, of clicking random links on YouTube which will lead me to some amazing songs which would otherwise not have been known to me. I like it :D Especially those English songs! I think it's time I got re-acquainted with the world of pop music out there :x These two years I have been woefully behind on the latest songs and their lyrics. Which proves to be a bad thing when people start to high in class and I can't join in the singing): Oh well. So now I'm on my way back up there >D Heh heh heh.
Kudos to those minds which created my new phone! Lol. It's quite handy, really. Though I'm still debating whether or not I should put it in its case O: When I do so its beauty in its smallness is just simply taken away. Sadly. The slimness of it. Oh well. I suppose it's better to protect it this way(:
Okay, I've got to go to memorise my lines and rest! I feel sleep creeping its way up to me.back to top?
Saturday, April 7, 2012 @ 9:33 PMI am not afraid any more. back to top?
@ 9:19 PM
Haters will be haters
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE NOWADAYS?
I loathe them.
I cannot stand the sight of them. Hell. What the shit. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?
But then once again I have to tell myself that it is necessary.
Sigh. Morals, ideals, ethics.
I guess this is the age when I start questioning everything around me. And being cynical. Well, I am. You can't deny it.back to top?
Thursday, April 5, 2012 @ 10:08 PM
A little taste of Peace.
One of the questions the musical got me to ask myself is: What do I care about?
Actually, more importantly, my friends, stage managers and director all commented that I have a lack of love. I don't really show that I care for anything at all, lol.
Yes, upon deeper probing into my self, I realised that yes, I am quite an uncaring person. I mean, seriously, look at me! I am so uncaring! Like, most of the time I don't really care what happens to other people. Okay let me cite you an example. When someone falls down or whatever, or cries, I am usually (in fact like 99.9% of the time) one of those who stand far away and allow some distance between the person who's hurt/crying and myself. You know, to give the person some space to calm down. I'm not like Xuan Li, who will be there beside that person in question, offering encouraging words or simply just a shoulder to cry on. I don't think I'm pro enough to do that O: For one, I won't ever say the right words lol. And it might make the situation worse. In fact it most probably will haha. So I'd prefer to keep my mouth shut and stand a little further away and let people like Xuan Li do the job. Another thing is that even if I keep quiet, I don't think I can just stay there silently for that person. I will still be thinking things like "oh is my presence too strange? too awkward? maybe she just wants to be left alone for this while" and then I'd be rigid and everything. No good at all.
And so I stay away.
Lalala. I suppose I'm the kind of person who distances herself a lot from the things in her life. Like I've said before in some previous post a few weeks ago. Yep. I do that. I wonder why. Maybe i'm afraid of getting too attached and then feeling the brunt of the heartache or pain when everything ends? Lol. Maybe. But then again... Sigh.
Okay lah. I know what you all are thinking. Haha. I'm actually not uncaring. It's just that I show my care for another person in another way other than the normal physical contact/words way. My style of comforting people does not include sound, or touch. Usually it's just a simple note. Like, a yellow post-it, appearing out of the blue on that person's desk. Or just a present, with a card filled with encouraging words. Yep. Written words. That's what I'm best at.
I've confessed to a lot of people using these "written" words. In fact I find it a lot easier to communicate through notes/smses than be there at the scene myself. I can pour out more of my emotions into that simple piece of paper than through my expressions and everything. Maybe that's why I'm such an expressionless person haha. People like me should never act :X
But then again, sometimes in life, there are things that you have to do, things that you've signed up for. And acting is one of them. Since you've chosen to act, you must remain committed all the way till the end. Your expressions. What's going on in your mind. Your alertness. In fact, all that you are thinking should be readable from your face. This is the beauty of acting.
When you are your character, you disappear. You are hidden from view. The character is never confused, self-conscious, or unsure of what he or she is doing. It's only the actor who is. And it's amazing, what we can do.
To act, is a form of discipline. Things you'd never do in real life, you'll do while acting. And really, that's how amazing it is! Because you are not you when you are your character. (: Mind over matter, friend.
And I will train till I reach that stage. Because all of this is worth it. It's worth my effort. It's worth ten A1s any day. I'd gladly give up my my grades for this. (though that doesn't mean that I'd just fling everything aside and ignore all else but the musical; learning is so enjoyable to me too)back to top?
Wednesday, April 4, 2012 @ 9:17 PM
"We miss you to bits and gws!"
I was just going through the smses in my phone. And I ran through all those encouraging and get-well-soon messages every one of you sent me when I was lying in bed at home, burning up with fever :') I am really extremely touched by all the messages! And I smiled like hell when I read them. Here's one:
"Ok. I told laoshi and 401 already. Just called your mum. Will come only when ur fever is down. Jia you! Be mentally strong. There's nothing much I can do but to pray and to encourage u. U must press on!" - Mdm Lee, when I was in hospital.
Another one: "Of course Lah! 401 without hooty is not 401!!:)" - Wyin. (after graces interclass games)
Dora: "Yo baby! How you feeling! We got first for class games yo! 401 spirits lives on forever yeah and you're in the spirit too! We miss you to bits and gws! <3"
I don't think I have to say anything else :')back to top?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012 @ 7:18 PM
好开心明天有上体育课哦 :Dback to top?
Monday, April 2, 2012 @ 6:45 PM
Oh, not because she was some coward who knew nothing better than to accede to some stranger being's request,
And here we can see the beauty of friendship.back to top?
@ 6:28 PM
Now I finally understand.
I am the best when I am me.
No doubts about that.
When I'm being myself, being relaxed, not thinking too much about things.
I am the best when I am me. (:back to top?
@ 5:48 PM
I want to write a song. back to top?
@ 5:43 PM
Nama saya Hui Ting
This is the story of a girl, who has to grapple with her family, friends, academic work, mental capabilities, wants, and sexuality.
This is the story of a girl, walking down the lane back home, looking at all those terrace houses and the blue, blue sky spotted with white clouds above her, and thinking about joy. Her life. What she's supposed to do. What she's done. What she wants to do.
This is the story of life.
I dislike what tying my hair up does to it.back to top?
Sunday, April 1, 2012 @ 9:46 PM
Okay, my mind is in a mess right now. I am trying to read through the SRQ notes. And meanwhile, some parts of my brain is worrying about the time, because it is already 9.47 now and I know that I have to go to bed early. And I am trying to remember all the things I should remember about SRQ. At the same time, I am very and constantly distracted by the computer beside me. It is less than a metre away. And my father is watching some Chinese or Korean drama. It is extremely loud. I can hear with much clarity every single word the characters are saying. And it's irritatingly distracting. Sometimes I can't help but notice what the characters in that small little rectangular screen is saying.
Oh, along with all those factors above, I am also worrying that I will not be fluent tomorrow. These few days it seems as if I am slowly slipping away fron the fluent me. Again and again my control of the English language diminishes. Gah. This is not good. And now it is amazing but I actually crave to read Chinese words instead of these black squiggly lines that I have so gotten used to seeing on paper, books, and the computer screen. I crave Chinese! How strange to hear this coming from my own buccal cavity but it's true.
Weaving beauty from 26 letters is not something I can do easily. Let's face it, I'm just one of those many people born without the ability to create art from mere words and letters. Sometimes I'd wonder what it'd be like if I didn't recognise the English language. What these letters, or even squiggle curves and lines, would mean to me. Hm. Is the English language easy to decipher? A few million years later perhaps our descendants would manage to decode it easily. But it seems out of the norm to imagine a world where English does not exist; I mean, look, it's so prevalent everywhere!
I think I should just continue having faith in myself and the wealth of knowledge I possess. I know it's not a lot, but it's not too little either. Haha. I cannot discredit myself too much or else I would be gone.
I think I know what led to my recent "failures" - the lack of confidence. How ironic, since being confident has always been one of my stronger points. Oh well. Times change. Things change. But anyway, I surmise that it is due to a lack of praise from the people around me. Oh yes. Praise changes me a lot. If my love language is words of affirmation, as I assume it is, then this is extremely worrying for my mental health. Hm. Emotional health, I mean. Which would affect my mental health to a certain extent.
But never mind! I shall not let this control my life. What right does it have to control me? Even though it defines me, it doesn't mean that I can't change it. I can change myself, and that's is why I'm me :D I shall regain my confidence. And shine on like I always do. Lalala.
I shine.back to top?
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When the days are cold What to do? The Last Paradise Rationality? Logic? Well fuck you. Hawaii Contemplation. Best way to go about your day A Journey Somewhere I lost a piece of me; smoking cigarettes... what?