some public
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die

huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)


人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Saturday, March 31, 2012 @ 6:05 PM
I feel sickened by myself.
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@ 6:01 PM
Determination, once again. More than that. A command, by myself, to myself. I must obey it. Obey it. Discipline. Yes.


It was worse than even the musical's. Lol. To be honest, I didn't think the musical rehearsal went that smoothly anyway. Okay maybe it went well. Lol. Don't know why they gave me liu yun xian :x

Oh shit, what's wrong with me? All the confidence I possessed seem to be leaking out. I mean, everything I do now, I have very little confidence in myself.. Horrible. But why is she lost? D: Maybe cause I'm afraid to make mistakes. Or I don't want to stand out. But shit man, confidence is one of my strong points. It's one of the reasons why I'm me. One of the things that define Hui Ting. Like what Rachel Wu and Jamie said... Sigh.

I'm doing so many things so half-heartedly now. Whatever I do, I'm half-hearted. Study Physics, do homework, do Math, whatever, blah blah blah, I just can't put my full soul in it. But fuck, that's my own problem right. Mind over matter... I must learn to control my own mind. Sigh

That would never happen again. I will never allow myself to pull off such a horrible performance ever again.

What is the point of performing?

It is so that your audience can enjoy what you provide them with.

Then what are you doing now?

Fucking yourself up.

Okay I will not allow myself to perform so poorly anymore. It is an insult to the performance. It is an insult to the art. I must put in my best. I must find my spirit back. My passion for whatever I do.

It seems to be diminished by the intense longing and love I feel for 401. But then again, everything has to has its balance. I cannot let this crazy almost-obsession alter who I am actually. Or rather, mask every other part of me. No.

I need to find back my performer's passion.

And strangely enough, I think the only way I can do that is by going back to guzheng and performing as part of the ensemble.

I crave that miracle you feel on stage.

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Thursday, March 29, 2012 @ 8:14 PM

Hello all.

I wanna hug someone real tight and not let go for a very long time.

Today was our second musical rehearsal. And wow, boy, was it intensive. It's like I'm diving headfirst straight into this all of a sudden. After Tuesday's calm, it was... Surprising, to say the least. Nevertheless, I am still glad that I am on the team. Liu Yun Xian is not here yet, but rest assured, she will appear soon. And it will be real(: Have faith in me.

Yes, have faith in me. I love you. I don't know how it started or anything, but I do. It's like you've suddenly appeared, just right in front of me, though you were there beside me all along. I've finally gotten to know you. And I'm glad for it. Stay with me.

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Saturday, March 24, 2012 @ 12:55 PM
Bye bye bye.

I am quite a messy person. I find order in the messiness. If you see my workplace now (or indeed, even over the past few days), you will be quite appalled. Especially if you are someone who prizes orderliness over everything else.

Plates and cups everywhere, of fruits and water and some juice, books everywhere, worksheets stacked in a mess. My stationery all over the place, pens, scissors, ruler, pencil, one under the laptop, one squeezed somehow into the minute space between the fan and the book. Rubik's cube, rescued from the depths of my "drawer" beside the computer-desk-cum-study-table, calculator, electronic dictionary, post-its, pieces of paper, my jacket over this pile of mess (lol) and my Fred Perry bag, half-opened, revealing sweets and snacks from school and graces. My iPod at the corner, sitting on its red pouch. There is hardly any space for me to place my arms on, or even to place the mousepad, for that matter. My left arm rests on the open A-Math textbook-and-math-worksheets-and-corrections-pile, my right arm on the mousepad which is on my secondhand (or maybe third, fourth, fifth, i don't know) The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, mouse resting precariously to the left of it, seeming about to drop off the book altogether. Lalala.

I amaze myself, at times. Sometimes I like to work in an extremely orderly environment. Sometimes I am just horribly messy. And I remain messy until that tidy me inside of me bursts forth from her cage (don't know how she got in there in the first place) and screams at me to pack everything neatly. Which I do. And then voila, I'm neat again! Hurray. But then somehow, along the way, that neat me gets caged up again and things start coming and piling themselves on top of the desk. And then lalala, the cycle continues. C'est la vie. Hahaha.

Meanwhile I shall just munch on apple slices and read my book. Ignoring Math, Physics, or even Chinese. Tonight I shall go out, and be like any other urban person window-shopping and spending time with her family. Lalala. Chinese block test is in two days' time, but whatever. Go with the flow, baby. Follow your heart. Relax if you want to. Sing! Buy that silver/gold chain your brother wants. And incidently, it's his birthday today. Hahaha. Okay, shall go to facebook to wish him happy birthday now. Bye(:

P.S. I know I mentioned that I am a hardcore logical person but then I realised I tend to just go with what I feel like doing a lot O: Like when I'm going for Frolick/Sogurt/whatever with Ting Ting or Mei Ling and Jing Ci and Xiao Xue. Those impromptu outing, never planned beforehand. And when I'm choosing what to eat/which item to take from those shelves of identical things lol. I go with feel O: Like, I'll just be "ah this one feels right, so take this lah." Haha. I guess I'm not as bad as I though I was, after all :D Ah, to different events/different happenings their own. Lalala. Okay bye :D

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Thursday, March 22, 2012 @ 8:24 PM

I feel like dancing around and screaming and proclaiming to the world:

SOMEONE WANTED (AND STILL AM WANTING) TO HEAR ME SING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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@ 8:19 PM

I cannot believe that just this simple phrase can send me into the heaven of smiles and fill me with such an indescribable feeling. Like. Happiness. But not that only. Like. Contentment. Really, like my life's worth living just because of this simple phrase. Someone wanting to hear me sing. Someone I'm not that close to, even. She is one of the many people I want to open myself and warm myself to. :DDDDDDDDDDDD Oh God I can't describe this pleasure filling me :DD

Rachel Teo: (on facebook) Haha thanks hooty! ♥ hee i want hear you sing for musical!

Such a simple sentence. But then again, so powerful. To me.

Really, stuff like this make my life so worthwhile :DD

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@ 11:57 AM
Scrambling thoughts.

I am a person who is constantly basked in the happiness of simply existing. But then again, sometimes there exists these pangs of sadness for me. At how the world is what it is today. And music. How it is capable of stirring up such strong emotions in me. (At present I am listening to 林俊杰‘s 莎士比亚的天分. no, 学不会 now.) After reading all those articles about psychology and the human mind... ( and all its links) And the existence of a god and how we are... I am forced to wonder. Are we really made this way? Is this all that we can do?


Ah, life. Sigh. In all its beauty. All its cruelty. Lies beauty. Lies, deception, they are a part of this world. But how do you define beauty? What is beauty? Plastic surgery and makeup and all that.. Who determines that is it that which defines beauty? In what way is that even fair? Majority doesn't mean it's true. But this mindset, this way in which we think... where does it come from. Is it natural? Or is it created by ourselves? Or by God. Is God a part of nature? How do you even know God exists. It's just something you use to reassure yourself. That what you do is not your fault. Sigh. Then what's the point of even existing? Just to continue the cycle? Probably. If the cycle exists... Which I believe it does, actually. Because if it doesn't then there's no point to life at all. And everything just doesn't make sense.

However, is it necessary for things to make sense? Some things are just there the way they are. It's in times like this when the logical me falters. Stumbles. Unsure of what's true. And then you start questioning the basis of your existence.



I guess I just have to live with this, for now.

P.S. This is an interesting question. Does the conscious make the subconscious or the subconscious the conscious?

Or maybe, like Professor McGonagall says, the cycle has no beginning(:

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Wednesday, March 21, 2012 @ 5:38 PM

Hi all. I'm back to myself. The aware self. And I just wanted to clarify something, though I know you all are my good friends and hopefully will not think that way.

In all my posts, in no way am I insinuating that I am superior in terms of what I think and whatever D: Oh God. There is no way of phrasing this in the right way. I feel guilty even thinking about it.

I'm sorry I just had to get that out):

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@ 5:14 PM

This is seriously good. It makes so much sense.

One day, little jimmy asked his dad: "Daddy, what are politics?" "Ok
jimmy, it's real complicated so i'm gonna give you an example," daddy said. " I
earn money for the family, so i'm capitalism. Mommy takes care of you so she's
the government and you are the people. The maid works for us so she's the
working class. And your baby brother's the future. Now go and think about
it." So jimmy went and... thought real hard about it.

That night, jimmy woke up to the sound of his baby brother's cries. He rushes
to his bedroom to find his diapers heavily soiled. Jimmy went to find his mom
for help only to find her sleeping. Then he went to look for his dad to find him
screwing the maid. He called but they didn't hear him. So he went back to
sleep. The next day, jimmy sought out his dad. "Daddy, i know what
politics are!!" "Go on.." " Capitalism's screwing the working class, the
government's in heavy slumber. The people is ignored and our future's in deep

... credits: ira, on the way home

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@ 3:19 PM

You know reading about yaoi in Hetalia (the fanfictions, not the real comics, mind you) has broadened my perspective a lot. And changed the way I looked at lesbianism and gayness o_o

Seriously. I accept gays and lesbians much more now as compared to before. Haha. Part of life, I guess. I guess this is one of the positive aspects of being introduced to this manga/anime and its fanfictions o_o

As strange as it may sound or seem.

I seriously do accept gays more now. I accept them as a wholly natural part of life. I mean, what's wrong with gays and lesbians?

Just something to think about hahaha. I think people get past this stage sooner or later in their lives. Some people never get past it though. Probably cause they have never been exposed to Hetalia or anything. Hahaha.

Openness ftw. <3

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@ 12:44 PM
I see you.

You know one of the greatest things I've learnt from this is to wait.

Waiting is essential in life.

I'm not saying that we should all just crawl into our covers and wait for everything to happen to us (actually that's possible for someone who doesn't have a want in his life but ah, what a waste, what a waste), but that seriously, sometimes you really have to wait.

You may want something but the timing may not be right. Even 诸葛亮 wasn't in the right time. Though he found his right master. So seriously, sometimes you just got to wait. Wait for the right place, and the right time, when you can do what you want to do. In fact sometimes if you don't wait, things may turn out worse. Not something you wanted it to be. So all you can do is wait.

Which brings us to the next question. How do you know when the right time is then?

Well there are two ways of looking at it. One is through your brain and the other is through your heart. However you want it to be. Whichever way suits you the best. It depends on how you're used to functioning, actually. Or perhaps whether you're a left-brainer or a right-brainer lol. Left-brainers (like me) tend to be more logical. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm so logical. I think through everything. For every event that happens, I think about the reason behind it. What causes it. Don't know whether it's a good or bad thing, but ah well. According to my principles in life it's not the best haha. Since way too much of one thing is always bad for me. But then again, is this something I can control? Probably not. Actually a huge part of me yearns to be a right-brainer. To go along with my heart, follow my instincts. I think I used to be like this in the past. But due to some event I don't really know about (perhaps it's Nanjing) I converted to being the logical being I am today. I think Nanjing opened doors for me. As in, I learnt that there is this thing inside of me, this mass of grey matter which I can actually use. And I've learnt to use my brain more in Nanjing and this is probably why I'm using it so much now. Lol. God knows how I'll be like in the future, after I've gotten over the shock of finding my brain. Maybe I'll go back into balance. Haha. Balance like everything else of me~

Lalala. Nothing else can be used to describe this except for the fact that I am growing up. It's an inevitable part of life, and I'm going through it.

Oh it's 12.54pm already. I wonder what my classmates are doing now. Oh, it's the last lesson of the day! People must be really happy haha. If I were in school, I would be happy too. I am usually happy on Mondays and Wednesdays. And Fridays. But Fridays I usually don't have anyone to spend it with. So I'll indulge in some me time, most of the time. Lalala. Sometimes I wonder what people feel, reading my thoughts. I want another apple. :x It jumps randomly from here to there. But miraculously most of the time I'll be able to get back on track. What should I do now?

You know I was going through my old Bio notes just now :x On nutrition in man, transport in man and enzymes lol. And respiration. Lolol the Bio block test is actually three (two and a half) weeks away. I should be revising Physics instead. Hm. Actually usually at around this time I would be thinking about what to do. By 'around this time', I mean 1.25pm when lessons have ended (even though it's 12.57pm now lol). Cause it'd be after school, and I'd have an afternoon free and I won't know what to do. Sometimes I'd go find tingting and we'd go for ice-cream/frolick together. Haha remember the IC outings which were so frequent in Sec 2... I cannot believe I'll actually crave my cookies and cream ice-cream from IC that often haha. Now I tend to venture more into other flavours when I go there :x Which isn't very often. Come to think of it the last time I went to eat IC was so long ago... Not counting the time when Zania got me the cake from IC for my birthday lol. Oh god. The memories. I kinda miss IC. Someone please go with me one of these days D:

I think a social life is important too. As much as we talk about results and everything... Haha some of my Sec 2 mindset is coming back to me xD I mean, I actually really am believing that a social life is important and that results are not that important anymore. I mean, seriously, what's important in your life? Mugging all day for those tests and quizzes, or the memories with your friends that you are about to create? As much as I know that this would determine my future in some way or another, I still feel that time with your friends is important. Screw results. Haha. They are not what I want to remember of this life when I am lying on my deathbed somewhere out there in time. Lalala. Time is precious, friends. Spend it well. Spend it on somewhere you won' t regret spending it on. Spend it on what you think you will enjoy more, even as you are crinkly and old and going through those past memories of yours which you yourself created from nothingness.

And I see you :D

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Tuesday, March 20, 2012 @ 5:05 PM
the love

I always confort myself by thinking that "they can't set the Math paper too hard, cause the rest of the level is going to do it as well." Haha. I know it seems very arrogant, with the hint that the rest of the level is not as good in Math as we are, but still :x I'm kinda glad sometimes that I am able to explain Math concepts and how to do a particular question to others :x And Chem too. Haha :x

How careless we can be when dealing with equations. Numbers and letters. Sometimes you're thinking one thing and you're writing another. Why? Because your subconscious is thinking something different from what you're thinking lol. Or you're just thinking out of time with your writing. Lalala. There is a bruise near the crease of my right elbow. The place where the doctor first drew blood to send for checking. It was green at first. But there was that bruise-like feeling though, when you press it. Haha. Maybe when he poked the needle in the blood flowed out. And clotted. But then again why would it hurt? I think bruises are interesting.

Oh God I cannot believe it's 5.14pm already. And as much as I love my laptop I am kinda annoyed sometimes because the space doesn't really listen to me a lot. Or my right hand, for that matter. It listens to my left hand completely, but the thing is my left hand doesn't really listen to my brain. My left hand's thumb, actually. I don't know whether it's because it rarely has a chance to press the spacebar that's why it keeps pressing the spacebar out of tune with the words I type. Or something. Omg, it's 5.16. My mum will be coming back soon. Lalala. Another day has passed. I cannot believe at this time yesterday I was thinking about going to buy popchips. Now I'm doing Math. I have a sudden love for Math. And a sudden craving for it.

I am blogging a lot nowadays. Probably because I am stuck at home with nothing else to do lol. Anyway my left hand is improving a lot already. Previously it really couldn't press the spacebar on time. Like a bit retarded. Haha. What to expect, I grew up learning to press the spacebar with my right thumb as I am typing. I wonder if there are any movies on tonight. This is what you do when you have nothing else to do at home. Lol. Search for things to entertain yourself with. Eat. This is how people grow fat. I don't know how I managed to live past all those holidays when I'm in primary school. Lol two lizards just ran out from behind the paper and scared the hell out of me. Lalala. I realise I'm typing/talking like the book. The Time Traveler's Wife. I tend to follow people a lot, I realise o_o It's some sort of strange habit. But well it does increase my fluency when I speak. So I guess it's alright. Lalala. Okay I shall go back to Math now and come back to you in a bit.

Ah Math Pretest 1 (trigonometry) Questions 6b and 14(ii)! I need explanations for them D< But meanwhile I shall dig out our revision booklet and do questions on differentiation :D And perhaps trigo. They have grown on me hehehehe. I know I have to revise stats and probability too though. But that's somewhere far away, like 5 weeks later (oh God one month so long!) so heck hehehe xD Bye!

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@ 2:28 PM

I am currently 52.6kg I cannot believe I shall go eat crisps and become fat again. lol. Haha this is a completely useless post but I just felt like typing it. Lalalalala. byebye :D Chinese is awesome.

I think I am just annoyed that my previous post faded out of existence just like that without any way of salvaging it. Aargh.

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@ 2:14 PM
Oh how quickly time can pass when you're listening to songs

Well, shit. I just typed finish one whole post and it disappeared - poof! - just like that. Damn. I am seriously not in the mood to type it again. But well I'll just tell you that the title is the same as what's up there ^.

I should have known :/ But I just went ahead and took the risk. Ah well. Whatever. Bye.

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Sunday, March 18, 2012 @ 4:27 PM
I've always loved rain. It always calms me down somehow. And the smell.
Come rain. Come come. Wash away the sins of yesterday. And the prints of yesterday. Come come. Leave no trace. Bury everything old. Start everything new. You're great.
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@ 1:23 PM

I get tired so easily nowadays, sigh. So sick of everything that I'm doing. Even the computer repels me :/ Do a bit of Math, tired liao. And I was still so enthusiastic about doing the pretest on differentiation just now too. How irritating :/ After I completed the first sub-question of question 1, I got tired of it already. Sigh. What should I do.

It's not just the mental weariness; there's also the physical tiredness. I get tired so easily. It's like all I can do is sit at home, watch tv, whatever. Lie in bed. Once I get up and walk around I feel tired. Like my lungs can't work properly. So weak ._. And I'm sick of this. Sigh.

Of course I am not completely physically well yet. There's still one more week of rest to look forward to. Right. I wonder how I'll be at the end of next week. 7 days later. I hope I will be well :/

How frustrating, I forgot what I wanted to say. Gah. I feel like I need a break. Although this is, in essence, a break. Damnit. More of that I need a break from this world. Not just from school and everything, but from my life too. And my house. And everything I think about. I need a break. Something unusual and out of the ordinary. I feel strange. Perhaps it's that crappy Sunday mood again. I seriously have no idea why I feel like that on Sundays. Maybe it's the end to a week. It's like you're gonna begin afresh the next day. Maybe. But they always say Sunday's the first day of the week. It just feels weird. It feels more like an end, to me. Gah. Damnit. What's wrong with me. Why arh? Why this crappy Sunday mood? I hate being at home on Sundays. But I can't go out with the state I'm in right now.

Just now as we were driving to Dad's factory to wash Mum's car, I just had this weird feeling. It's like I'm seeing the public for the first time after a very long time. And it was a long time. Two weeks of staying indoors, not going out - the roads feel very unfamiliar and hostile, even. Like, there are so many cars around you, going here and there, and you wonder what's going on in the air outside of the mask you are wearing. And you think, yes, I am not really ready for the outdoors yet. Don't know how I managed it earlier. Going everywhere by myself so often.

But I wasn't sick, then. Sigh. Please recover soon. Please recover fully. Dear lungs. I need you. I really do. Sigh.

How the hell did I get pneumonia anyway. I don't know. Could it be at Downtown East? I'm sure not. After all, nobody else got it. Or perhaps it's because my immune system is already more suppressed than the rest. But still. From Ang Mo Kio? Maybe. Sigh. How horrible. Bo pian lah, I guess. I'm already quite lucky liao. Like what the doctor said, thirty years ago, people with pneumonia will get fever for the first week, and then they will die. Either that or they will continue coughing for the next few weeks and they will get well again. Now though, you will most likely survive, with the powerful antibiotics discovered by I don't know and don't really care who.

Well, fuck, whatever.

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Saturday, March 17, 2012 @ 1:13 PM
Maintaining a Balance.

The pretest worksheet is so tiring. Sigh. And there are still so many questions I have to do D: This is not very good. It's like I'm stoning awhile before I get what the question wants. Especially for trigonometry. And I think I'm gonna die for differentiation too. And probability and statistics. I have like, forgotten everything already -_- Gah. I wonder what's tested for IM1. Probably probability and statistics lol. Sigh. Must revise.

There's this crappy irritating feeling inside me. Which I am trying to get rid of. I don't want to be possessed by it again. Because it's unhealthy. It's long-term stress. Can imagine what's going on in the cortex of my adrenal glands now... Lol. It's unhealthy. Blah. I shall not think about it so much now. Block tests aren't important. They are not there to trip you. They are just a measure for the teachers to know how much you have learnt so far. Yeah. Nothing to be afraid of, nothing to worry about. Lalala.

I think I'm getting too unused to tests already :x After last year haha. Last year was seriously crazy. Chapter tests and quizzes every other week. Lol. Got to get used to that feeling again. Lalala.

It's like after last year I'm suddenly very serious about results and everything D: Why. Why? Why the sudden fuss over something I haven't really cared about before? It is unnatural. Perhaps my future looms too... closely. It's like we're getting closer and closer to that stage where we begin our careers. Oh well. What takes precedence, I wonder...

Ah my life. Those up and downs in it. In my mind as well. And my heart. Indecisiveness. But after this bout of pneumonia I guess I have learnt to let go a little more. Go with the flow more. More like my "usual" self. That younger self. It does help, to an extent. Because if you start thinking that the whole world is in your hands and that you have the ability to change it, you will pile a huge burden on yourself. And the cortex of your adrenal glands will be working non-stop. It's better sometimes to let things run on their own. I mean, a lot of discoveries stem from surprise. Rather than something someone had planned out. That's why they are called discoveries, I guess? You discover them through working on something else. Lalala. I don't know.

Sigh. Too much control is not good. Too much slack is not good either :/ Haha so I guess this goes back to my motto in life? To always maintain a balance.

See you. (:

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Thursday, March 15, 2012 @ 12:39 PM
Back to you.

Hello long time no see lol. It's already the 15th of March O: So fast. Pi day was yesterday haha. Jia Ling wished me a happy Pi Day :D Lalala.

Ah I'm back home. Past four days - in the hospital. It was not altogether a horrible experience lah. Quite interesting, if you ask me. I mean. That was the first time in my conscious thoughts that I was hospitalised. First time since I was a baby, I think. O: And I didn't share a ward with others. It was just me, old me, there by myself haha. There was a toilet and everything. And even a small miniscule tv. Those kind of ancient silver boxes they had, you know? Just that it's not in black and white lol. But anyway when it's turned on it emits this extremely high frequency sound along with whatever sound from whatever programme is on at that moment. It's quite annoying.

Had a headache yesterday. (Lol did I just hear someone shout "Doraemon, 上来"? Lmao) It was quite horrible. At first it was only on the left side but then don't know how and why it spread to the other side too. My mum massaged my head for me and now I have two bruises on the two sides of my head. Hurts even when you move your fingers slowly and slightly across the surface. Oh well. At least no headache now haha.

I don't really know what to say. I haven't really been doing anything over the past 4 days. Except lying in bed in the ward, eating, sleeping, watching tv, reading the Time Traveler's Wife again. Mostly sleeping. Couldn't really do anything else because of the crappy fever o_o You know this is why I dislike fever of all things. It's the one symptom/whatever which makes you bedridden. So irritating. Cannot do anything else. I mean, if it is a flu or something, at least you can still stand up, walk around, do whatever other crap you are supposed to do except perhaps exercise. Meh. Ah well.

Lin Jun Jie is coming home soon. I had a dream about him last night. He was my friend. We were at some banquet thing. And he was sitting to my left. And we were talking about idols with some other people I don't know who. And then suddenly I remembered that he was my idol too. And then I said "JJ Lin" also! When I said "JJ" he jumped a little because after all I was calling his name lol. And then he sort of blushed and swayed humbly. Lmao. Then some other things occurred. Probably changed to another dream or something.

It's sad that I can't go to the airport to welcome him. But then again also bo pian lah. Stuff like this. There's always a next time anyway(: I hope the other members will give him my best regards! Warner is not bad after all :x

Learnt a lot about letting go through this. Let many things go too haha. Some things you can't control entirely. Sometimes it's really not about whether you go out of your way to achieve it or not. Maybe it's just meant to be like that. And if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. Not then not, don't lust so much after it. You'll only tire yourself.

And you are always on the lookout for that thing you want, that path you want to walk down, but sometimes really it's not something you can control. Most of the time you stumble down it by accident, before you really realise that that's what you want. I guess life's like that O:

Haha okay see you bye.

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Saturday, March 3, 2012 @ 9:48 PM

The exhilaration of living - of being able to see, to feel, and to feel my heartbeat. Those million and one things in our lives which never fail to make me happy.

I feel like only this simple term can express my emotions in the best way - happiness. The way it is supposed to be, without any of that complexity.

Many times in life, we have to stop, learn and stare. And just let ourselves go. Instead of thinking so much about all those other things which you desire to have, think about those you already have. And it would fill you with such indescribable joy. So much that you can't help but smile only, and probably even laugh out loud with your mouth and your eyes, for it's the only way to express this... Seemingly unattainable feeling for some.

And you feel so lucky, so lucky that you have the chance to stop, that you know how to stop and breathe. Happiness... How many people in this world have truly known it? I believe everyone in this world has the ability to attain it, just that they are subconsciously unwilling to because to achieve it means letting some things go. Those things which they have fought all their lives for. And it seems to be such a huge waste.

Why, though? Why are you so afraid to take the risk? Letting everything go doesn't mean that you will just wilt there and then, and die. Why so afraid of losing things? I think many of our problems stem from the fact that we are unwilling, or perhaps even afraid of letting go.

Sounds so simple. Just letting go. But why does it feel so hard.

Anyway, there are really many things in my life worth being happy over right now. No worries, no fear. Just strolling through the night, enveloped by that happiness.

But oh, how I wish I could share this with the world! How I wish what I am feeling can be projected out, and envelop the rest of the world in its cool yet comforting embrace! The touch of night beckons me. That feeling of being free.

But I know though, such things cannot be shared. Or else it will be too easy to be obtained, and like the humans we are, after time, we will tend to forget it, and it will lose its meaning... How frustrating this seems, not being able to share the joy felt in the heart, because it can only come from the heart, and not from any other external source.

I wish everybody good luck on their routes to happiness though.

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