& not-so deep secrets
huiting says hi
Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:
This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.
Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.
Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)
人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.
more of me
Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Monday, January 30, 2012 @ 9:46 PM
One step closer
I just don't feel like a senior to my juniors. And it feels weird to call them my juniors.
I know too much to be a Sec 1.
If you ask me to go back to that beginning again now, I won't want to. It'll be like losing all these precious knowledge I've gained over the years. I'm afraid of going through all that again D: And not being able to acquire all that I've acquired. So, no thanks, though Sec 1 life is so carefree and joyful, I don't want to go back there. Ah. The feeling of growing up...
I'm feeling a little pity for the Sec 1s though. They seem to have to go through so much in this course of four years. Maybe it's cause I've done that already that I don't want to do it again. :x I'm kinda glad that I'm sixteen now already. So many things lie ahead of me. I don't want to stay in the past.
Ah well, let's just continue living life so joyously (:
Embrace everything with your smiles. Your touch. Your never-letting-go.back to top?
Sunday, January 29, 2012 @ 10:00 PM
I only ever knew your first name
Thanks so much for being that bridge which links up my childhood with this present me. Without you, my whole life would have been different. I just can't imagine those situations without you. What would I be doing? I won't even be there on the computer all day. Maybe I'd have matured faster. Maybe I'd have found another source of distraction from school. Someone to dream about during classes. Someone to giggle about when some memory suddenly leaps up from the depths of my mind. Thanks for making me into this lady(:
It's so cool, because different people go through different things in their lives. Of course, no one's life would be the same as anothers's. There are a few gazillion things you go through. It's not possible that all of them are the same O: Too bad, the Earth's population is just too small for that. I suppose that's why everybody can be different! And no one is exactly the same O: Wow now it makes sense to me. Bit of a relief too, really. It's quite weird to know that you might have a doppelganger running around somewhere on the other side of the world ><
Okay, anyway, I shall go read through all those infatuated posts about you and get reminded of what it felt like before.back to top?
Thursday, January 26, 2012 @ 10:33 PM
The Nonexistent Lover
I really love 林俊杰's new album. It's a pity that I can't sync those 11 new songs into my iPod right now because the hard disk is with my brother D: And my iTunes with all the songs are in there. So too bad. I can't enjoy these on the way home tomorrow D:
I think I'm going to sing 那些你很冒险的梦 for the audition. It's much easier than 学不会 :x For 学不会, I guess I'll save it for one of those rare karaoke sessions :D It depends on how I'm feeling, actually. Haha. I don't think I want to show that side of myself to the teachers :/ Oh well.
And yes it's really a little shocking how music can change my mood so easily ._. Right now Love U U is playing, and I feel a little less... Melancholic? There's this nice smooth, floating feeling. I love his album :D
Once again, thanks Koh Han Yi so much for this! <3
You know, sometimes it's excruciatingly hard to not break out in song.back to top?
Wednesday, January 25, 2012 @ 4:36 PM
I'm sitting in the class now, with earphones on and listening to 林俊杰's 学不会. Many thanks to Han Yi for that :D I really love the CD a lot.
I was doing my homework, and figured that I needed some time to unwind. And so I took to the computer and Windows Media Player! And my blog too. Well, it wasn't my intention to blog at first, but I just had that feeling to do so after starting to listen to 学不会. Now it's Romantic Mystery. I like the bass for this song. Come to think of it, I quite like all the songs in this album. There's a nice feeling to all of them. I don't know whether this is my bias starting to act up or whatever O: A few weeks ago as I was at hmv listening to the album it didn't sound this nice. Sounded a little weird. But it could be due to my tiredness at that time too :X So I don't really know which is the correct judgement. Or rather, the fair judgement. But whatever :D
As long as I'm happy. You know, school today was great, in the sense that I felt happy being here and now. In school. In the lessons. I can actually understand what the teachers are teaching in class! I can keep up! I can answer the questions that they ask! I don't know how long ago it was when I could be "show-off"-ish in a class. And then, I realised that I missed this feeling of knowing what I'm learning. Of being able to raise my hands to ask intelligent questions while knowing what exactly I'm doing. Sigh. Thank God for that. It's like I'm slowing piecing back parts of myself which I somehow lost or dropped along the way, from the start of the Nanjing trip until now D: Or perhaps even way before that, before EOY preparations started and the teachers were teaching us with new materials. Gah.
Yep, you're right, I pride myself in the fact that I learn fast. And so when I don't grasp the crux of something quickly enough, before majority of the others do (or at least I think that I do it before the others do it), I feel lost. Like the most major part of myself is gone. ): Thank God that I've found myself once again then, albeit only a small part of me.
I've decided to join the Biomedical Olympiad O: I'm not gonna discuss whether it is right or not; I think I've had enough of that kind of lengthy circular discussions for now. It's tiring me out. Sigh. Though I'm sure I won't want to join Physics Olympiad. I like it when I'm interested in a particular concept and crave to find out more about it, but I detest it when I'm forced to sit there, immobile, as a lecturer drones something I'm not particular enthusiatic about into me. Expecting me to fully remember whatever he or she is saying, expecting me to score full marks on a test or something. That is so forced. I don't think I need that in my life D: So, I suppose I'll just pursue my passion when it comes. For this case.
Hey, I like the beat for We Together :D It's the kind of thing which will lead to shake to the beat subconsciously. Involuntarily. Takes your mind off things :D Woohoos.
I haven't laughed so effortlessly in such a while. And as I sit there at the canteen during recess with my friends, or even during morning assembly, all these recollections and habits come back to me. Why is it that I can only do this in the presence of my classmates in Nanyang? D: Why not with anyone else from another part of my life? Sometimes I really wonder why there are so many different sides to me, which different people have different keys to. Only a particular group of people can unlock their side of me... And it's so frustrating, because it's as if I don't have an ounce of control over which me to show.
I hate that me who exists with my family. That irritating, annoying, arrogantly quiet, attitude bastard who just can't laugh outright or show any form of appreciation. I don't know why I can't crack the same joke with my parents. Why I can't discuss my problems with them. People with older siblings can talk about anything under the sun with them. Their emotional problems, relationship problems, work problems. But me? No! I just can't do it. I share everything with my friends. And my friends only. Why is it that I can open up so much when I'm around my friends, but shut myself out when I'm with my family? I know that your family is important. I know that I seem like a fool for not cherishing those two elder brothers I have D: But the thing is, damn, I can't seem to erase those boundaries... It's some sort of nasty, diseased habit D: Screw it D:
Ah well whatever. Every family has its own routines and rules. It just happens that I don't know whether mine is healthy or not. Is there even a right or wrong thing? I don't know, seriously.
But whatever, bye, I'm gonna eat Oreos now because my stomach is grumbling like the world is going to end soon.
I need something happy in my life.
Monday, January 23, 2012 @ 11:33 AM
Woohoos hello! Happy new year all(: Oh my, it's been two (okay one and two months) years since I've created this blog! And it's still up and going :D I'm so proud of myself for this feat. You must understand that the past few blogs which I've created never last beyond a few months :x Excluding that emo blog where I used to dump all my love woes and frustration about life. And perhaps some deeper pieces on the meaning of life and all that. Anyway, yes, this is quite a miracle! Don't undermine this okay :D
I suppose this is because I don't put pressure on myself to continuously update this blog. I remember the hurtbyinnocence.bs I had in Sec 1 :x That was quite horrible haha. Meaningless writings and insignificant details, forced onto that page every day, just for the sake of gurgling out something for people to see. I wasn't passionate about it in the slightest. And so, after a short while, it just died - byebye! I'm happy for that :D
Happy New Year again, all! I'm actually feeling relatively excited about CNY this year. Maybe some small part of my mind registered the fact that stuff like this should be worth happifying (hehe) over, and so I look forward to it! Okay don't ask me why I'm still at home now even though it's 11.42am already :x By right, I think people should be out visiting their relatives already right? Hm. I kinda forgot how things ran in my house :x Last year's CNY was very.. Monotonous. That excitement wasn't present D: And so I guess my brain just erased those memories away cause it wasn't siginficant lol. I didn't even get the chance to gamble -_- Meh. I must gamble this yearrrr >D Hehe. And hopefully earn some money :x That I can use!
Omg did I mention how excited I am about my birthday this year? It's not only due to the fact that I'm turning sixteen. (LOL come to think of it it is quite a big deal that I'm turning sixteen. Though this is not America or something. Omg man sixteen is so old! I remember that time when I was still ten and my brother is 16. He was like some cool pro dude who's so old and just cool. His girlfriend too. So big and old and experienced and cool. D: So tall. Pretty. Wear makeup le lei! In a relationship. Just the epitome of cool. Sigh. Why don't I feel this way now ah? They still seem so big and cool now lol. But I don't feel like the way they felt to me last time :X) I can't believe hanny got a present for me already! I feel so touched D: I don't know why; it's probably because I rarely receive presents... Even on my birthday, lol. My family doesn't give me presents - except my mum o_o My brothers don't give me presents/sing a birthday song for me. (aiyo come to think of it I'm quite deprived) And no one officially celebrated it for me before. (Not counting the KFC party when I was 9 lol) And it's quite sad cause I myself have organised and been a part of alot of celebrations for others O: Lol, not to boast or whine or anything. It's just something which happens, you know.
Anyway, the thing is, this year someone is going to celebrate it for me! :D Woohoos. The ISYF people! <3 Go Zania. Okay I guess you can't really call it celebrating, cause we are just going ice-skating. This outing wasn't exactly meant for my birthday; we just wanted to meet up and yknow, continue our awesome friendship. But still! Ah! <3 Thanks so much, really.
God, I'm turning sixteen in two weeks! Two weeks! So fast! I shall cherish the time left for me to be fifteen(:
You know how Taylor Swift says that many firsts happen when you're fifteen? It's actually quite true for me lei :D First time someone gave me a rose! Or flower, for that matter. First time going on a backpacking trip, etcetcetc. Lalala. Hehe okay bye I shall go be part of the CNY spirit now :D See you! <3 Have fun too.back to top?
Friday, January 20, 2012 @ 9:39 PM
I love you.
Feeling so lonely now without the company of my friends. For the past five days, we would meet up without fail at night to talk/play games, until 1+ am, up to the point that we don't even have to ask whether there is a meeting; there definitely will be a meeting at the sixth floor. Sigh.
The setting of the sixth floor's common area is still so firmly embedded in my head. That black leather sofa, that long, sand-coloured coffee table, with its smaller counterpart beside it. Food on the table, a deck of cards on the table as well. That tv! (which we seriously never really use) Now it's 9.52 and by right we should be gathered around the tables there already, doing whatever we are doing. It doesn't matter what we are doing; what matters is our presence. Those few of us who would be there every night without fail!
Now though, it's over, and I'm going to revert back to my original practice of sleeping early at 10 etc. Quite a huge change. But then again, like I've said, I'm very adaptable(:
What's sad, is not the loss of his presence, but is of so many things which could have been.back to top?
Thursday, January 12, 2012 @ 7:42 PM
And so I see the light
I see the light.
You know, many times this year, I've been wondering about what exactly I want to do in my life. I've been mulling over it for weeks now, and was unable to get a straight answer out of myself.
Well, you may ask, of all things which I could think about, why this topic? Okay, it's because this year, as many of you would know, I'll be going through a huge change in my life. From that busy, commitments-laden girl of last year, I'd become a person who considers what she really wants to do before choosing it. Last year, at this point of time, many projects would have been streaming in from everywhere; SMP, SYF, NSC etc etc would be one of those many options and commitments which are available. And I took them all without really hesitating. At that point, then, my focus in life would be to experience as many things as possible, so that I would have led a "fulfilling" life before I die. Yeah, there are so many things to see and try out there, and at age 15 I was convinced that that was what my aim in life was. And so I just committed to them all. Even now as I look back, I'm feeling quite amazed that I could juggle so many things at once! I can't really believe it. Like I've said, somehow I've managed to subconsciously sieve many things out of my mind over the holidays, and those many commitments that I've had are some of the things which I forgot I've done. What with the Nanjing trip and the catching up with my friends - unbeknownst to me I've squeezed the rest of my life into the back of my mind.
And now the me now is like a completely different person. Sure, I remember that I've done all those things, but it still feels weird. SIAs, singing, tuition, everything! Gah. How did I manage my priorities then? :/ It seems like I can't really decide what's important to me now. Like the Nanjing trip and the holidays wiped everything which was me from my mind. Who am I? What am I? What do I want? I'm not so sure now.
You know sometimes I wonder whether all these changes would be present if I hadn't gone to Nanjing. Would I still be going through all these transitions now? Phases after phases of discovering who I am once again? The LA compre last year mentioned that we travel to lose ourselves and then to rediscover ourselves. Did that happen to me? After all, we lived completely different lives in Nanjing. I was constantly put into my thinking mode. It's like new place + new people = new person in me. Sigh. And now I wonder which is the real me.
Yeah, sure, Mr Ang said that it's not always a bad thing to forget yourself. Do you know how many people out there are so desperate to forget but they never get a chance to do so? Don't be afraid of losing yourself, he said. Only then can you find out the real you, who is not hidden behind routines which may otherwise mask you.
I think I'm too afraid to completely let go, though. I mean, I'm scared that my whole world would just turn upside down if that happens! Yeah, and so I guess, I'm not really the kind of person who can adapt to changes that well, after all. I know I've said this before, but once again, perhaps I can only adapt well to the changes which I like and don't mind happening, not sudden ones which throw me off my feet without warning :/ But then again, if there was no choice, I suppose I'll adapt to the new environment too...
Well, I guess it's all about the mindset. Mind over matter, remember. If you believe that this sort of change you can live with, you can live with it.
Back to the topic, these two weeks, I have been extremely comfused over what I want in my life. Okay, not really confused. Befuddled? Again, not really. More like... My thoughts are messed up. Like someone just managed to reach inside my brain somehow with his hand or something and swirled my thoughts up, such that it would take a long time for them to settle again :/ Like a cup of Milo left stagnant for some time. The Milo sediments would stay at the bottom, but once you swirl the cup again, they will mix around and take more time to settle down again. That is what happened to my brain and thoughts :/
But thankfully, just now, something which helped to speed up the process of the re-settling of my thoughts happened. It was just after the parents-teachers' meeting. My mum was talking to one of my friends' mum (she knew my friend's mum since primary school because my friend and I were from the same primary school and CCA last time, and she's in Nanyang now as well. She and I are not that close though. We happened to meet a few days ago on the bus home.), and - not that I was eavesdropping - I happened to hear and deduce that she had cancer. She was talking about how she only had to eat medication now (and not go through chemotherapy) - and that she was in the first stage of breast cancer. My mum was telling her to fight on. And as I was listening, as my brain managed to produce that bit of info, I just found myself in her shoes.
What if, just what if, I had cancer too? Not knowing when I will die (it could be any moment), but knowing that I will die in the near future. My days are numbered. I was suddenly just seized with this thought, and I became afraid. Anxious. And suddenly getting an A1 for Chinese didn't seem that importanta after all.
After the parents' meeting, as my mum, my friend's mum and I were on our way down the staircase to the carpark, I was thinking about why I wanted to get an A1 for Chinese so much. It didn't really matter what! As long as I've learnt something it would be fine already! But I couldn't manage to convince myself in the slightest, because what if I wanted to achieve that A1 to prove something? To prove to myself that if I set my mind on something, it is actually achievable? A long time ago, my brother and I were having a conversation on school subjects. His point of view was that even if one is bad at a particular subject (really just can't do well in it/don't like it), one should still just continue fighting for it. He felt that the issue here wasn't the fact that you couldn't do it, but a discipline issue. You should do it because you can control your mind and that is what's important. His argument made sense too, though that time I was still firm on my view that if one doesn't like something, one should just stop wasting time on it and go do something one likes. As I was walking down the stairs just now, this argument surfaced to my mind, and I was thinking: what if getting an A1 really shows that I can do it?
Then, after that while my mum and my friend's mum were having that conversation, the truth dawned on me. As I placed myself in her shoes at that point in time, I realised what was important to me. Just imagine - if you really knew that you had cancer, and have no idea of knowing whether or not you will survive, what will do you? What will you spend the remaining of your time on? Are there some things which appear in your mind just as you start feeling that way? Those things that appear first, which you are the most anxious about, show what you truly want.
I felt anxious just now because I wanted to grab hold of whatever time I had left now to complete some things which I would kill myself for not doing if I were on my deathbed. Sigh. Things are so uncertain. You can't control everything. Who knows, there might even be a tumor growing inside you somewhere now already. So you can't just take everything for granted D:
And so I see the light.
So, once in a while, when things get too messy, just close your eyes and think - what would I do if I know that I'm going to die soon?back to top?
Wednesday, January 4, 2012 @ 7:51 PM
Thou flies into the distance till I can't see thee.
I have always loved gazing at the setting sun from the window in our house. The colours change every night. There's always a mix and match of different gradients and shades. It makes me feel calm somehow. It shows me every time of nature's beauty(: What majestic colours! I will miss this part of this home when I move house come end of this year.
There was once I witnessed a thunderstorm in the far distance at the very same window. Those rolling clouds in the distance - lightning flashing once in a while in the depths of those clouds, illuminating them for that split second - it was beyond beauty. Beyond anything I have every seen. How grand! How lucky that I had the chance to see it! I tried to interest my mother, but it was to no avail :/ Oh well. Different people appreciate different kinds of beauty, I guess. If only I could have gotten a shot of that flashing scene. It was amazing. Like I was a god, standing far away from the Earth and looking down at the things that I have created. Simply splendid.
I am feeling relatively calmer now, though I started today out with a grim and lost look. I was confused between what I had chosen and what I should have chosen. It wasn't pleasant, of course. It was the first time that I went through this kind of phase. Of not knowing what I want - or perhaps it is that I am confused between what I want and what I need. Perhaps I have been away from civilisation for too long.
Now though, thankfully, some things have shifted into perspective for me. Thanks to pointers from some people - Mdm Lee, Sabrina - I have felt much better. I know what I like already. It's like I was affected by what Shu Hui was affected by in the last week of Nanjing :/ Losing herself. Not being able to remember what kind of person she was in the end of the first week, during those two fateful days. It's like I was suspended in limbo - neither here nor there. At that point in time I tried to remember what Mr Ang said about it being good at times to lose oneself. Few people have that opportunity to actually really forget about who they were and to start over afresh. However, no matter what I tried saying to myself, I still couldn't put off the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something just ain't right. I guess the Saturn part of me is craving control.
(Okay about this 'ruling planets' thing, am I putting too much emphasis on it? Is it because of the fact that I read it that I actually start to believe in it and hence act like it? Who knows? Maybe my personality is not like that actually, but because I've read that astrological bible of Phyllis', I believe that this is how things are supposed to be like, and hence I change my behaviour subconsciously to match what is said in the astrological bible... This is serious trouble. If this is really the case, then who am I actually? Am I what I think I am or not? Is it because I think that I should be this way [because some book said that aquarians or whatever are supposed to be this way] that's why I'm this way? There is something seriously flawed about this way of knowing who I am ._. Gah. I shouldn't place too much emphasis on this :/)
Anyway, back to the topic, I suppose I felt afraid of losing myself because a part of me needs routine. Without that - if you plunge me into something completely foreign - I'd probably lose my mind. Cause the change is too sudden. I can't deal with it all at once! Now though, I'm starting to remember who I was before. So it's better. I actually remembered that I was in NSC, and SMP, etcetc. I remembered what I did last year! Looking back on it now, it was indeed an extremely hectic year -_- I cannot believe I got through all that. No wonder the year seemed to zoom past so quickly; I had commitments after commitments and deadlines after deadlines to keep to. Ah. What a huge change. I don't have SMP this year. Neither do I have NSC, SYF, or even a concert. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. (: Great in a way, but unsettling in another. Oh well. I have to learn to control my free time now then. (Oh god we don't even have SIAs!) I have decided that I will take up pop piano lessons, even if the lessons are on a weekday. Now that I have so much free time, I'd surely be able to do it. (: Yay.
Finally something to look forward to and to settle on. You know what they say - 一日之计在于晨，一年之计在于春。I can't just blunder my way through this year! What a waste of precious time. So now I'm taking matters into my own hands(: my life is mine to control! I shouldn't feel discouraged or hesitant/doubtful. See you(:back to top?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012 @ 7:49 PM
2012 is cool!
I have a sudden urge to post. Those words that are filling my brain are just straining to be let out. I feel so happy. I don't know why but this year seems to be a very nice one. There are happy prospects to look forward to. And I am so glad that I am living right now(:
I'm glad that I was introduced to Hetalia, and read the fanfiction 'Gutters'. It moved me so much, and made some things come into perspective for me. It's not really about the yaoi part or whatever - seriously, that doesn't matter - but about the relationships involved, and how strong they are. The very concept of a country being a human being, a nation, is just... Refreshingly new and touching. Makes me feel closer to the countries. I wonder how Singapore would be like in Hetalia(: I can almost imagine him/her haha.
Denmark and Norway... Their love is so strong. And the way the author expressed herself was amazing. Those small little phrases which make everything fit into place exactly. How they are supposed to be. There wasn't any exaggeration or whatever. The fear of Sealand was so real. I cried. The end of the world etc. Relationships. I could feel it. And I cried. D:
I must admit that I was immersed in that world of "Gutters" for a few days. Probably one or two days. Regardless, it was still too long. I can't spend all of my time in there. :/ Though I am going to read it again, I shouldn't get so emotionally attached to the world and the characters...
That's one of my weaknesses, you see. Not being able to be distant from stories etc. And that's why I tend to be convinced/influenced easily. I must say though, after I came back from Nanjing, I could listen be more objectivity, but still, with matters of the heart... Once I let myself go it's just hard to go back to being that cold distant figure once more. Sigh. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
I cry easily. Not from pain (physical pain), of course, but from emotional attacks. Maybe my heart/mind just can't stand such pressure. I cry easily :/ Maybe because I identify myself too much with whoever the person in question is? When I'm watching a movie/reading a book alone, I tend to cry more easily. Perhaps it's because of the lack of distractions, and of pride etc. And I just completely let myself go into that whole new world which doesn't exist in reality. I suppose it's a kind of escape. To live someone else's life for just that little while, and experience their problems. I think this is why reading books is a stress-reliever for me? I'll be able to get away. Though of course, eventually, I must come back. But by that time, my head would be cleared enough already, and I would be able to think. Damn, I must start reading more often. Fiction.
Books are an important nurturer of who I am today. If I hadn't read all of those books which I have read, I won't be the same me now. Somehow, in one way or another, they just have this unexplainable profound impact on me. They lull me in.
Yes, this could be a bad trait, but it could be good too. Right now I don't know whether they are good or bad. Sigh.
I'm so glad that the author of "Gutters" chose that way of ending. Bittersweet, somehow? Made me cry more. It's not like just some sort of fairytale with a perfect ending (cough twilight cough), but something close enough to reality. And I need that in my life D:
Okay, I've got to go now, see you soon(:
I love that I have an outlet to empty those random floating words in my head into.back to top?
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When the days are cold What to do? The Last Paradise Rationality? Logic? Well fuck you. Hawaii Contemplation. Best way to go about your day A Journey Somewhere I lost a piece of me; smoking cigarettes... what?