some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

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more of me

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Friday, December 30, 2011 @ 10:26 PM
I will never be more touched than this

Even if our countries are different
Even if our languages are different
Even if our characters are different
I'll still want to gaze at the same moon as you

- Aiyah 4000 Years - Hetalia

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Thursday, December 29, 2011 @ 8:43 PM
我已经分不清 你是友情 还是错过的爱情
What beautiful lyrics.
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Wednesday, December 28, 2011 @ 10:18 AM
I love playing the piano.

I do, really. After so many years of craving to learn how to play it, I've finally gotten the chance to really do so. And in doing so, I've found another activity which I knew I would love if I had the opportunity to do it, and I do love it. It's great. It's another whole new world opened up for me. That infinite amount of peace, and happiness - ways to express myself. It's something which makes so much sense to me that it is a wonder why I didn't realise it or go for it in the first place! It belonged in my life from the start, even before I knew I would do it. It's amazing.

I thank God for the books and all that. Thank God An Lin existed to become my friend, and to just present me with those books that day. It's as if it was all planned beforehand. That one day, a friend would pass me her beginner's piano books, and I would take it in my stride and learn by myself. It's going so well. I feel content. No point in uselessly waiting for pop piano to start. I can do this myself. (:

But maybe, just maybe, it's because of my will to learn that did it. Maybe there is no fate, or whatsoever that announced that this shall happen. I've learnt that I tend to turn to fate a lot. Thanking it for so many little and big things which happen in my life. Has it become a habit for me? Maybe I am more afraid than I thought I would be. Afraid that it was my own actions which caused those strings of consequences. I am afraid to take responsibility.

But why, huiting, why? It is you who control what you want to do. And so you can control how you want things to turn out too. Oh, perhaps you are frightened because the future is so uncontrollable. You never know when things will spiral out of your line of vision. And thus you are afraid. Do you remember what Dumbledore (J.K. Rowling) said? We are afraid of the unknown. The reason why people fear darkness and death is simple - death and darkness are areas unknown to humans. You cannot see what's in a dark room, without light. Neither can you know for sure what happens after death. And hence you fear it. It makes sense, really.

But why, my friend? Why do you require so much control in your life? You must know that you can't control anything. You can't even control anyone else. The only thing you can have complete control over is yourself. That is why Henry David Thoreau does not believe in revolutions and pushes for reform, because the only thing that you can really change is yourself. If you can't even change yourself, how do you change others? Yet there are so many others out there who seek to change people's mindsets about things. A forced action. It will never work out.

You can only show people the door. They are the ones who decide whether or not they want to open it.

And every single bit counts. Start from yourself.

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Monday, December 26, 2011 @ 9:12 AM
One chance

One of those moods now, when things feel surreal. The environment around you is so weird. You just don't seem to fit in. And you are groping around for something, anything, that would make you feel normal again, like you're living your own life. But you don't feel in control, because something is missing; you don't know what is missing. All you can do is go through all the experiences in your mind, like going to a party, or going out, or walking around in Nanjing, to see if any of them is the key you crave.

Right now I feel disconnected from the world. My school life and my friends are so alien from me. Though yesterday, I was positively brimming with excitement over the party today ._. Damn. That's why I say that I am in one of those irritatingly absurd moods now which just don't make sense.

Sigh. A new year! A new day. New beginning. What do I expect? Well, nothing much. To be honest, a small part of my brain is in the semi-anxious+worried state now which I described in one of the earlier posts. Thank God it's not dominating the whole thing. Or else I would become a wreck. It's like I don't really have control over whatever I want to do. Damn it, I keep on procrastinating and stopping halfway. I keep getting distracted. I suppose that's one of my major weaknesses :/ But then again, I was getting on real well this year! I wasn't that distracted. Uhm, towards the later part of this year, I guess. It's like my mind is preparing itself for all the supposed "hardships" and "tough stuff" of Sec 4 life, but my brain isn't listening/coorperating lol. Yes, my mind and my brain are two different entities, though I usually refer to them as one. Right now, my mind is this subconscious floating spirit which lives near my brain. Or maybe around my brain. And my brain is that grey mass of matter up there (yes, the scientific brain). This seems paradoxical because I am supposedly controlling every single thing which goes on inside my body using my brain, right O: Like all those thoughts come from my brain too! They stem from the inside of my brain (though I don't know where. I should go research on this :D I think it's what Nicole's sister is studying? Psychology? A branch of it). But too bad they feel disconnected now so yeah.

Blogging is a relief. To be able to pour out all my thoughts in the shortest amount of time possible (unlike writing, which would really take so long that by the time I finish a sentence, the thoughts I had before are all forgotten)! It's like the steady flow of water - over rocks.

Gah. There is something I need to do. I think it includes typing out what I feel about the new year? How time is passing away so quickly? Damn, I didn't know that this had turned into some obligation -_- Or maybe there is a need for me to do that. Okay whatever here goes LOL.

Time is passing away so quickly! God, we are about to become Sec 4s soon. The last year of our lives in nanyang. It's quite sad D: Knowing that as each day passes, you will have one less day in the school. Really. Oh hell. I'm thinking about our sec 4 seniors when we were in Sec 1 now D: They have already graduated from JC! They would be in university by the next year. How... Strange. We always view uni as something separate from the other parts of our education. Eh, come to think of it, We have already undergone 9 years of study in this education system -_- God, that's a lot. More than half our lives have been spent in education! Is it worth it. :/

And now we really have to think about what we want to be in the future. Damn, it's like I've already set my heart and soul onto it. Like I've said in my other blog a year ago, I know what it is already. There are not really any other options for me to consider now. You call it a sudden burst of bravery? It's not. It's more like something that I have already set down for myself, and it's irreversible. I think it's cause I have already convinced myself that that's the way for me because I have been thinking about it constantly for one whole year -_- At first I was still hesitant. I mean, seriously, look at this! There are so many risks involved. And the disadvantages of it? Innumerable. But I love it D: It's something I love. And now I'm sure that music is an integral part of me. So many proofs.... Yes, I think I will walk down this path. No matter what people may think of me(:

I'm not going to be some person who conforms to society and who does whatever is expected of me. Of a person who has received the same education as me, who has the same family/background as me. No, I'm sorry. I can't do that D: I can't be a lawyer or a doctor or an accountant just because people think that those are respectable occupations that can earn you money. Which only fools will give up if they had the perfect capability to achieve that. No, I'm sorry(: Think all you want that I'm a fool, but I won't care about you. Even if, in the end, I don't earn as much money as all those doctors/lawyers, I will still be glad. This is my life, and I will live it according to what I want. See you(:

One chance.

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Tuesday, December 20, 2011 @ 8:15 PM
Because of you

Feels like Santa Claus haha. Lol.

By the way that photo was taken by me, in my house, in the bedroom.

I realised that there is really a significant difference between the me with my family and the me with my friends. I can't really explain it here now. I'm much colder with my family members. You, as my friend, won't really know. Or perhaps you could imagine it, if you've seen my 'emo' mood before. Sigh.

Ting Ting and Fiona coming my house tomorrow! I'm so happy :D Sabrina may or may not be coming - she hasn't replied me ): Oh well. Nvm, Ting and Fio confirm coming :D So exciting!

I miss ..... . That friendly, close side, that frankness, that non-superiority. What rare chances but now! But am I the one who's viewing it too tightly? I'm not used to this kind of breaking down of walls, after all. There's always a certain distance between me and them. It's a habit for me. A routine. I cannot just jump free like so many others of my friends and leap into that territory. It's just not me. And I shouldn't change this part of me too, right? I shouldn't change myself to fit others just because some people are feeling that way and I want to be "special" too. No. (though aquarians have a deep desire to be different) I am me. And that's all that matters. Why should I change for him, or anyone else? It's my own boundaries, my own values. No use forcing myself to change. No good will come out of it.

So, stay the way you are! You are beautiful the way you are. (:

P.S. I think my blog's being stalked!

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Monday, December 19, 2011 @ 10:38 PM
我相信你的脸

Love.

Right now my life is about balance. I have been going out a lot these few weeks. These three weeks since I've returned from Nanjing have been quite... you could say, hectic. Every day, I wake up at an early time so that I can rush off elsewhere to meet my friends. I have gone to three picnics at the Botanic Gardens - one with 301 (Nicole, Hui Min, Jing Ci, Valerie), one with Nanjing (Hui Hui, Eleanor, Yi Xin, Li Jia, Ade, An Lin), and one with Guzheng (Mignon, Jing Ci, Tze She). Before the picnics, I went for long walks by myself everyday, bringing my Nanjing journal along, and still trying to live in the state of traveling though I'm already away from China. I've walked quite a lot in those days. Then, not to mention the trips to Mustard Seed Centre, preparing for my performance in their Christmas Celebration (which has passed) and helping out in other ways. Of course, there are the meetings with Anlin too. That first meeting on the Thursday after we came back, where Anlin and I went to the Mint Toy Museum, played hopscotch, had Hainanese chicken rice (and some damn nice pork cutlet) for lunch and then meeting Mr Ang and Hui Hui at school to wash kayaks and dinner. Then the icecream indulgence(: Oh, the cruise! And the various sleepovers at Nicole's house and Anlin's house. Then bakkutteh. The going out with Sabrina, Ting Ting and Fiona to walk in parks (Hortpark, the Bridge, Telok Blangah Hill, walking to Vivocity.. And to Sentosa). Yes, these three weeks have been packed full for me.

I need some silence, some space. To be alone with my thoughts and my feelings. Some space to calm down and breathe. The Saturn in me is craving control right now. I cannot just let my life run free and wild; it is killing me, as of now.
Wow, if you look back, I've really done many many things in that small period of three weeks! Not to mention the Nanjing trip... My brain is tired. My soul is tired. I think I need some rest. I can't just fill every single part of my days up like that - I'd die sooner or later.

So now, it's time to rest and slow down! Uranus, stop asserting so much control over me.
Okay tatas all, I've got to sleep now.

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Wednesday, December 14, 2011 @ 8:07 PM
Obsessions.

Hello. I was feeling very anxious just now. This worrying, nagging feeling at the back of my head. It has spread to the side now. My right side. ._. I can feel it nesting there, like some diseased thing, refusing to be annihilated. Sigh.

Why am I feeling so worried, you ask? Well it's due to a number of factors. Firstly, there are many things that I have to do and remember. Revision and holiday homework aside, there's still the confirmation with Sabrina's about what time and where we would be meeting tomorrow for our exploration of the parks. (Somehow even though I have done that already I still feel worried -_-) Then I'll have to tell tingting and fiona about the timings etc. (That has been done too, wtf is wrong with me). Okay then I have to think about what to pack for tomorrow (I'm going to Anlin's house) and what to wear (screw it this shouldn't be bothering me at all, hello, remember the head nun's words on how humans pay way too much attention to insignificant details like food and clothes? How nice would it be if I only had two sets of clothes. So that when I finish wearing one for the day, I would wash it, and just wear the other set tomorrow. None of this dumb strength and time wasted on choosing what to wear. Sometimes I would really like to have no options at all. Just give me something, man. Give it to me and I will accept it. Without contemplating which one is better, which one would save me more money, ARGH. Screw it.)

The fact that I am multi-tasking is stressing me out too. I can feel those white roots starting to force their way out from my scalp -_- How morbid. Gah. I keep thinking that so many things are important at the same time! I have to complete them soon! Like now! So I'll just open many tabs and webpages. Oh, don't forget my phone. I'll reply many people at once. And just keep switching between the various webpages + my phone. My brain is going in so many different directions at once): It's taxing me out. I have to focus on one thing only. One at a time. One step at a time. Multitasking won't do you any good at all. Stop stressing yourself out.

There's still the badminton with Michelle, Rachel, Dorcas and various hwachong guys this Sunday. We haven't really decided fully on things yet. Man, I think the Saturn side of my personality is acting up. The side which is so stubborn that no change will be able to force itself onto it. The side that is so constant and bearing. Which hates change. Needs a routine. Needs to plan everything out beforehand. This is such a sudden change... Just when I was immersing myself into this hectic chaotic lifestyle which the Uranus side of me is so comfortable in. Making decisions impromptu-ly. Just going everywhere everyday. Now what I feel like doing is just getting my life in order and thinking things through so that they make sense. My whole head is in a mess. Too many things happening! It's like they're chasing one another all around my head. My brain cells are getting screwed up.

Okay now what I have to do is to calm myself down. What do I have to take note of?


  • Pack your bag tonight, decide what you have to bring to Anlin's house tomorrow (includes what you are going to wear for your performance on Friday at Mustard Seed)

  • Meet Sabrina, Ting Ting and Fiona at Labrador Park at 7.30 tomorrow. Wear your green shoes. (Incidently, you must choose something tomorrow which will match either your green shoes or your slippers) Ask them to remember to bring an umbrella and insect repellent.

  • Tomorrow you are going to walk around hortpark, etc. Have lunch with Sabrina Ting Ting Fiona at VivoCity. Then go to Anlin's house at Bishan. Take the mrt for that.

  • Sleep at Anlin's house. Get up with her tomorrow morning, bond, etc. (bring journal with you tomorrow!) reach Mustard Seed in the afternoon, then practise a little with Tr. Ying Ying (relax! you already know how to sing the song! you already can perform.) then the Christmas celebration at 6.30 which mum will probably attend.

  • Then home, and on Saturday, go to Raffles City, behind the MacDonalds'. Meet the JJFC(SG) people there. Pay your $51 for the pre-order of the album, and the membership. Collect your shirt (omg this is going to be freaking cool man).

  • 4.30, reach choa chu kang stadium for badminton with michelle dorcas rachel junxian etc. Okay.

  • Sunday, from 12 on, go to PA and help with the performance. Hopefully do a few somersaults.

Okay that's all! Freak I feel so much calmer now. Seriously, there's nothing much to be anxious about. It's all planned out well here. There's time. Fuck about homework, just leave it. You still have time. Two weeks. It's enough. Stop freaking yourself out. So there. Yes. Bye bye.

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Friday, December 9, 2011 @ 10:16 PM
Clingy Girl

Is life awesome? Yes, life is awesome.

I just went to buy my ticket for the violin finals concert of the 2011 Piano and Violin Competition. It will be held tomorrow at 7.30pm at the Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music, which I believe is in NUS. I hope. Lol. Ah well, there is always gothere.sg for me to consult!

The past few days have been, well, kinda cool, actually. On Tuesday, I went to Mustard Seed in the morning, then went to Bishan to meet Anlin, Hui Hui and Mr Ang for bakkutteh. We ate at the hawker centre near Anlin's house, then asked the boss how long he had been tending the stall for etcetc. How bakkutteh came about, and we also discussed about what might happen to this dish in the future. Will it just fade away and die, bringing a part of our country's history along with it? After all, who here in this country now will be willing to learn the act of preparing the pork ribs and stewing them in soup? Will this part of our culture just disappear, bit by bit, until it ceases to exist any more? Our children might not be able to try this dish, native to Singapore. Which is quite sad, actually. It contains so many stories from such a long time ago, documenting the cuisine part of our history. A part of it, at least. It would be such a waste to have it all flow away. Such a waste.

Then comes Wednesday, when I went to Vivocity with Phyllis and her boyfriend and her camp friends. Too bad, I knew Hanson couldn't make it. I knew nothing good will come out of it. I mean, do I seem like the type of girl who just hooks up randomly? Most of the guys I liked in the past are people with whom I have been friends for (close friends for) a very long time. I knew them, before I started "falling" for them. So yeah. I think this kind of "blind date"/"love at first sight" thing doesn't really work for me :x For me, I think the person I marry will be my best friend. The person with whom I can talk to about anything in the world. (:

Then I went over to Ang Mo Kio hub to meet Xuanli and Nicole for lunch, then to Nicole's house for the afternoon. We played the guitar a little (the low E string was horribly out of tune and for some strange reason we couldn't tune it at all no matter how hard we tried; the thing just didn't want to turn) and the piano! :D then watched Enchanted haha. Debated for a long time before that on which movie we should watch. Whichever movie we chose, there would always be someone who's unhappy with the decision. So finally, in the end, we settled on Enchanted(: A light-hearted, nice movie for us to enjoy. Finished the movie, and Xuan Li had to go home. Nicole's mum (Rowena) cooked bibimbap, which was freaking awesome like seriously omg it's like the nicest-tasting homemade thing I have ever eaten in a very long time. It's warm, and a little spicy, and really just nice. The blend of tastes was awesome! Damn it. Too good to be true. The ingredients comprised of rice, mushrooms, spinach, pork, seaweed, a fried egg, sesame oil and Korean chilli paste. Was really damn good! I could have eaten seconds! Gah. So awesome.

You know the thing I like about Nicole's house is its simplicity. Okay not really simplicity. There's just this very nice woody, modern yet homey feel about the house. Exactly the kind of house I would like to have in the future. Clean, neat, nice. :D I really loved that painting on the second level. It's so real. So... Calming. Relaxing. Addictive. Can't stop looking at it. The hills, and the waterfall, and the trees. The sunlight. Nice.

Okay then I went to Botanic Gardens yesterday with Nicole, Hui Min, Jing Ci and Valerie. Had a real nice picnic on the grass, thanks to Jing Ci's awesome picnic mats! Woohoos. And today, I went for a picnic as well, at the Botanic Gardens too, this time with the Nanjing people though. Anlin, Hui Hui, Yi Xin, Li Jia, Ade, Eleanor. I'm proud of the fact that I didn't stuff myself :D Woohoos.

And just now I went to ION Orchard especially to buy my ticket for tomorrow. Spent 30 minutes waiting at the concierge, Sistic line, because there were many others in front of me buying idk what. I set off at around 6.30. Came back at 8+. My mum was commenting on how I was so determined and "on". Haha. I couldn't book the ticket online because the cut-off time had passed. So I went all the way down to ION Orchard and back, just to get it. Quite on lah, hor :D Haha.

Okay and now I will go to sleep. Because it's already 10.37pm and I am tired.

I have learnt not to request for too much. Don't be so clingy. Too much is not good.

Don't let the impressions of others change your view too.

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