& not-so deep secrets
huiting says hi
Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:
This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.
Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.
Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)
人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.
more of me
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Wednesday, November 30, 2011 @ 10:13 PM
A question in your head.
Hello. For the past three days I've been filling my days up. But there is something important that I have to say.
For the first time, I am missing my friends, and the trip. It's a genuine feeling of loss and yearning. It's not like I am pretending to be saying it out loud or whatever, I am really feeling it. This is quite amazing because I have never really missed something that much before. So genuinely. It's something like what Avril Lavigne describes in her song "When You're Gone". Just with different incidents.
After the guzheng concert last year, I said that I missed guzheng practices etc. But did I really? After a while - a month or two - it just went back to normal. I continued with school etc, without any change in my routines. But this is different! Though I am immersing myself back into the Singaporean culture and lifestyle, I feel distant from it. My mind is distance from it. It's like I can finally listen and look with an open mind - I hear what people have to say, but inside my head, I am not allowing my heart to be fully convinced that this is truly the right thing to do just because someone experienced it before. I listen, and I critique what I hear. Is it really true? Does it really make sense? Is it important, or just some random exaggerations?
I'm kinda proud of this. It shows that Nanjing has really changed me - not for just those few days after the trip when I would usually be in limbo. Previously, after overseas trips etc, I would be distant from my present for a few days, because I would still be "trapped" in that other culture and lifestyle. And after those few days I would just revert back to my old style. But for this trip, no. I'm keeping a clear mind - clearer than ever - even a few hours back to Singapore.
Back to the topic: I really miss my friends. At the Titanic exhibition at the ArtScience Museum yesterday, I was suddenly gripped with this overwhelming feeling of grief and longing. It was in the middle of the "stolen" (I'll talk more about this later) tour, when out of the blue I was just struck by it. I wondered - how would this exhibition be like if the group was here along with me? How would people react to it? And I imagined our whole group being there, looking at the exhibits. And I was just suddenly needing Mr. Ang to be there to share his knowledge on Titanic etc. To ask him questions. Needing someone, anyone, to be there so that I could share my comments with them. Somehow it had already become a habit to listen to Mr. Ang talk about the history of whatever place/people/artefacts. And at that moment in time, he wasn't there. I was alone, sadly, wandering through the cold galleries in shock. It was an agonising moment, visualising my friends. But that moment, as everything else does, passed, too, and I felt much better.
Thank God we have tomorrow to look forward to, when I will go out with anlin and have dinner with her too. Or else I will probably die from longing. Damn it. Why is it that I would miss the trip so much?
Sigh. It is a question to consider indeed.
See you soon with a question in my head.back to top?
Monday, November 28, 2011 @ 9:21 AM
Don't wanna close my eyes
Back in Singapore, how does it feel? The airport was still alright. I mean, you don't get to see the airport everyday, so it still didn't give me a weirdly familiar feel. Well actually the first thing I noticed was the temperature and the amount of moisture in the air. Even as I'm breathing now, I can feel that the air is really so humid! So much more humid than China's air. It's a little harder to breathe in because of the water vapour. Then it was the temperature. It still felt normal at the airport, because they turned on the air-conditioner. But then, when I got out, woah, it was like a huge smack in my face! The temperature was so high. Not what I'm used to at all! I mean, for three weeks I've stayed in China, experiencing their winter. I'm used to temperatures being higher inside buildings that outside buildings, you know? I've come to expect a blast of cold air when I step outside an enclosed area, but in Singapore, I got more hot air instead. Haha. I was wearing the long john pants and so it was getting a little hot. Thank God I only had that grey long-sleeved shirt on though. Or else I probably would have died from the heat xD
Then we cruised down the expressway beside East Coast Park. Started feeling a little weird at the distant familiarity of it all. It feels as if it had been a long time since I've seen the place! And we drive on the left side of the road here, with the driver's seat being on the right side. In China it is the exact opposite. I was just getting real used to China's roads when someone picked me up and threw me back into Singapore's system again. Oh well.
Actually, I'm sorry. That wasn't the thing that really struck me the most. The strangest thing of all was seeing my family's faces. Mummymon. Shi Jie bro. Shi Bin bro. Dad. It's like the reconciliation of people who have been apart for so long. So familiar, yet so strange, like familiar strangers. For 3 weeks, the girls and the teachers have been my family. An Lin, Yi Xin, Hui Hui, Eleanor, Shi Ying, Claire, Jessica, Shu Hui, Roselyn, Matthea, Shanice, Ade, Tessie, Li Jia, Sharyn, Inez. Mr. Ang and Li Laoshi. 21 days! Every day, theirs are the faces I see when I wake up. Every day, the first thing I think about in the morning is "I'm in nanjing!" That's why it's so hard to get out of this habit now. I'm still dreaming of the group every night.
Yes, I'm not exaggerating, from the middle part of the second week onwards, my dreams every night are about the group. It doesn't matter what we're doing; the fact that I dream about the group although I'm with them everyday shows something. Am I really thinking that much about them? They say that dreams are the indicators of what you subconsciously think about, after all. Even after coming back to Singapore, I still dream about them. This shows a lot, really.
I still cannot believe that I'm leaving all of that behind. When I woke up this morning, I was in my bed at home. For a moment I didn't really know where I was. But then it kicked in - I wasn't in China any more. My friends are not with me. Those friends I've woken up to see every day for 21 days! No Eleanor, no Hui Hui, no Anlin, Yithin, Shing. No Hui Hui. Hui Hui with whom I've spent almost every night with in the course of this trip! She isn't there, sitting up in her bed, getting ready to go to brush her teeth and talking to me. This is sad D: I sat there in a kind of heavy silence, missing my friends more than I ever had in the 15 years of my life. I'm not in the hostel with the six bunks any more. Argh. Felt lonely. No one I could open my mouth to and talk about my dream or what to do today. It was sad. I didn't want to forget any part of the trip, any part at all! The hostel, especially. My awesome roomies. Yesterday it still felt real. I could still see around the room and "step" on its floor. I could recall the exact position of the table, heater and ladder. But now I'm just afraid that it's all slipping away, bit by bit, and I can't do anything about it.
You know, traveling really opens up the mind. You see more, you know more, you think more. Mr. Ang is a very very classic example of this. And now, I am, too, an example. I can look back now on the me before the trip and be surprised at how I was previously. All those clothes I like to wear - they are so... flouncy! Boom! Do I really need all of that? Is it really that important, what you wear?
I would prefer to wear normal non-flowery clothes now. Hey, my backpack is real good. It shows that I can fit my life's essentials in that small amount of space! I can carry my life around everywhere. We don't really need that many things in our life, after all. Just our brain, money, some clothes, a backpack and a sleeping bag. Perfect. (: I was a little taken aback just now when I opened my pencil case - the white big one I usually use. I only brought a blue G2, a black pen, a purple pen, glue, a ruler and a pair of scissors to Nanjing. When I unzipped my 'normal' pencil case, I was kinda shocked at the number of colours in there! So many different pens! Some I don't use at all. Why then, are they in my pencil case? To show off how exciting and colourful my life is? Or are they just there because I am insecure about something?
I always think "oh, what if one day I really need that pink pen for decoration? I should just put it in lah, it doesn't matter. Better safe than sorry." But is that just some sort of excuse to prove my insecurity? I am afraid to leave things behind and to let things go because I'm scared that I would not be able to cope without them. But this trip has shown me that, really, life ain't that complicated! You don't need so many things in your life. There is no need for all those colours and everything. Really.
Now I'm back in my life, I've gained some sort of perspective about it. I'm glad that I still have that cruise from 2 December to 5 December. It is another chance for me to go out there and to see whether I have forgotten anything from this trip. It is quite a valuable chance, because without it I may really just forget about what I've said/thought before on this trip to Nanjing!
It marks an important change in my life. I am so f***ing glad that I chose this trip above the rest. I've made so many new friends - some whom I believe would stay my friend for the rest of my life (anlin!). I see time, and I see how I can use it, not just while it away. So much knowledge out there. So much I could see and learn. I cannot waste all this time.
I have become so much more independent. I know that I can take care of myself now. Even if you throw me to China (with my backpack), I could stay there for a month or even more with enough money to survive! I don't need to shop. I don't need to eat snacks. I just need my three meals and accomodations and soap. Think of the things I could learn!
Yeah, so on this note, I shall say my goodbyes.
And the green pendant on my chest will always remind me of these days when I learnt so many lessons and made so many great friends. I will remember you always.
Remember the deal, in 2017. We'll travel, and meet again.back to top?
Friday, November 4, 2011 @ 1:29 PM
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When the days are cold What to do? The Last Paradise Rationality? Logic? Well fuck you. Hawaii Contemplation. Best way to go about your day A Journey Somewhere I lost a piece of me; smoking cigarettes... what?