some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Monday, October 16, 2017 @ 8:28 PM
Just putting this here.
哦第一次你  牵起我的右手
我呼吸难过  心不停的颤抖
哦第一次我  躺在你的胸口
听着你的心  慢慢地跳动
那时一起许下的承诺  一起并肩往前走

哦第一次吻  你嫩嫩的唇口
情不自禁   融化你拥抱中
哦第一次我  望着你的面孔
想要说爱你  却不敢说出口
那是第一次知道天长地久


从内心写出的歌词  描述着我们的故事
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@ 5:16 PM
Happier Thoughts
Hello! Am in one of the SPMS computer labs right now printing my lecture notes, and I am here blogging because I thought that the keyboard was really nice to type with! Ahhaahahha.

We just finished our group meeting with Marilyn (the CY0006 project) and also the meeting after Marilyn left. Am happy to say that our idea is getting more and more refined day by day! It's really great then, that we met Marilyn today because talking with her helped to tease out more ideas from us.

I feel like we are really starting to take ownership of the project, ahahhaa. And after having gone to that BayCurrent Consulting recruiment talk I've started to think more openly as well about my options. (okay that was very random LOL but the recruitment talk gave me the same sort of ownership and security about my future...?) Oh okay that reminds me, I have to reply Ringo for the JCCI interview dates. And I will also start preparing for the interview tonight, too.

Great. Now that my priorities are getting more defined, it is easier for me to decide what are the things I really want to focus my energy on, versus the things which I can throw aside very readily (e.g school work).

I want to test my strengths in the market, and making a resume is something which I have to do. So I should do that this week, using the internship application to BayCurrent Consulting as an excuse.

That is the way I tend to do things, I guess, always using some sort of external circumstance as an excuse to start on the things I've been wanting to do but which I didn't really have any reason to do ahahha.

All right, tonight, I will continue working on my interview questions. And maybe start thinking a little about the cover letter (although I don't really feel that much for the company, and won't spend too much time on it.)

Okay!

This is good. Segmenting the tasks I choose to do into different levels of priorities, focus, and energy.

There is no point spending 100% energy on everything; it is not humanly possible to do that as well.

So you've got to let go of some things. And for other things, you could spend 120%, as long as the opportunity cost is not too huge.

All right, then! Time to go to SCELSE to meet someone :D
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Thursday, October 12, 2017 @ 9:43 PM
speaking to the soul
Loneliness.

I wonder if that was what I have been feeling recently?

No late-night suppers, no spur-of-the-moment gatherings, fewer meet-ups with friends... It's almost as if an entire area of my life has gone.

It is different. Maybe these 'reckless' moments were what gave rise to my motivation to continue studying the next day.

I don't really know.

I think I can continue pushing off my work. After all, it is not as if they are due the next day.

I am probably just putting undue stress on myself. Why strive to complete everything so quickly?

Procrastinating might be a better way to function.

人到底还是被动的,不是吗。之所以才被称为 “动物”。

A key characteristic of a living thing is "responding to external stimulations".

There is no need to heap unnecessary stress on yourself when you are not even that much affected yet, and when you can get away with doing the minimum.

-

I like how the night sky rumbles with thunder and flashes with electricity in the distance. Such a huge and inescapable phenomenon, bearing its weight down upon us, and yet still calming. It reminds us that there is something larger out there. 

I realise that I generally like rain. Especially in the early morning or at night. Storms are beautiful; I always feel calm when I see them occur (when I am indoors, at home, of course).
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@ 4:57 PM
giving up and letting go
I think what has been plaguing me is the amount of mental load which I have been carrying.

Mental load.

That's an interesting concept, but it explains why I feel so overwhelmed and tired even though I do not exactly do many things physically.

Mental load...

Completing my Biology and Society essay is one thing, completing it while having thoughts about what I have to do next is another.

There is a mental checklist in my head which was steadily growing.

- Complete BS0001 Essay
- Complete CY0006 Individual Case Study
- Think about how to prepare for JCCI Interview
- Research about CRISPR, understand it
- Plan out your CY2002 experiment
- Stay on the lookout for recruitment talks and networking opportunities
- Read the Japanese books you took photos of
- Read your English books
- Start to prepare for finals by going through your materials
- Upload the rest of your Europe 2016 photos
- Book trains to Amsterdam, find accommodation, find taobao 3G data card
- Write stories, RP

There are way too many things on my mind at the moment. The list only continues to grow.

No wonder I feel so exhausted. I have to bear the weight of all these things even as I go on to complete them.

It was easier being a secondary school student because you don't have to hold so many thoughts and considerations in your mind simultaneously, all the time. You just look at the next deadline, which is the next time you have to submit your homework or the next test you are going to get, and then you are done. After that, you are free to do whatever you want, whatever you choose.

But things are different now. Even if I somehow manage to complete one thing, there will always still be other things there, loitering in the back of my mind, asking me to complete them. Even if I choose to rest, what comes to the top of my mind will be "relaxing" activities such as watching anime, reading my book, or exercising, and even all these are done with a purpose, with a plan in mind.

My heart is no longer a part of the process.  いつでも、everything is decided by my brain.

And my brain is exhausted.

It is so tired. From having to plan all steps ahead, for choosing what to do based on the situation, for deciding on what to do if the situation arises before it can choose what to do based on the situation. There is no actual time in which it has let go - of thoughts, plans, everything.

But as much as I hate to admit it, this is something which we have to live with now that we become more aware of the world. I will always be thinking about whether I have enough money to survive, because now I have to be responsible for my own survival. It's tiring to have to be on that alert state all the time. It gives you prolonged stress. Even from the biological point of view, stress is something which will activate your fight or flight system and your adrenal glands, to give you enough energy and whatever else you need to overcome that particular situation. But when the situation drags on for far too long, for weeks, months, years - that's when it becomes seriously unhealthy. A different kind of hormone and compound is being secreted now, a different stress system activated. And this system does shit to both your body and your mind.

It's terrible, really.

I suppose this is why I always find myself wanting to just lie down on my bed to not do anything recently - but even then, that is only a momentary escape. Once I get off my bed, I am still back into that reality again, that cycle, that stress.

Unless I manage to find a way to let go of them all. Or are we doomed to carry this for the rest of our lives? How will our bodies be affected? How will our minds be affected?

I want to not think about anything.
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Saturday, September 30, 2017 @ 12:49 PM
This is what I'm like.
A certain set of characteristics and traits which form the basis of me and which dictate whether I can survive in the world when the environment changes. Natural selection.

I wonder if I blog here if people would be able to see it. Ahhhh, yes, they can see it. Ah well. I hope that nobody will be looking at me typing then ahahaha. But if I restrict the broadcast to only one TV then the music wouldn't be played in the room. Ah well.

I think what is essential for me would be to find out at what level I peak, and how long I need to take to compensate for my exertions. Have I really allowed myself to rest, so that I can go back to work being motivated? For now, obviously I haven't, because it seems pretty often that I am over-stretching myself, and falling into a lethargic mood without being able to complete anything, including the things I used to find enjoyable. 

I also have to redefine what 'rest' is to me. Is rest a deliberate hour taken to recuperate, with the intention of going back to work after that hour? What I've learnt is that sometimes, it is not possible for you to define exactly how much rest you need. And if you've rested enough, your body will tell it to you naturally. It's the same with sleep. If you've slept enough, your body will wake up naturally and show you signs that you've slept enough. If not, you should just continue to sleep. 

Somehow, watching the words form on the projection screen is very satisfying. It's almost like typing on a typewriter, except that we have a backspace here which we can use ahahaha. 

Also, BTS' DNA almost sounds like English song. The way it starts, the instruments used. I suppose this is what contributes to their success on the global stage. 

How much do I need to rest? What constitutes rest? In order to get to my fullest potential, these are questions which I have to answer. Sometimes maybe even sleep is enough. Or just lying on my bed not doing anything. Or just doing anything I feel like doing, not which I had previously set aside in my brain that I could do if I had more time to myself. Ah well. 

It's pretty nice to type this in the darkened classroom as well, except that people might be more able to see this. But then again it's not like there are a lot of people walking around this place even though I'm on the ground level, because it is currently a Saturday. The first Saturday of our recess week, no less. 

I think I should probably uninstall FaceBook because it is taking up too much of my time and attention haha. Especially since I am in the Ikemen Series Group, with the girls posting so many notifications. Perhaps I should uninstall it on my phone and only set a certain period in which I can log in, preferably on my laptop. So that I will have set times for RPing as well. If not, it takes up too much of my subconscious.

Shit, the song "Intentions" describe me so well. 

I wanna be sober, but I love getting high
Wanna give it a hundred percent, but I'm too afraid to try
I wanna be faithful, but love hooking up with randos
I wanna live by the law, but still think like a vandal
I wanna get exercise, but I'm too lazy to workout
I want all the finer things, but don't wanna go to work now
I wanna go outside, take my family to the beach
I wake up in the morning, first thing I do is look at a screen, at a screen

Wanna live freely, why isn't it so easy?
I should read a book, but I keep watching this TB
And I know this lifestyle doesn't really feed my
I just tune out to the voice inside that's speaking

Shit, it speaks volumes to me. Does it describe the state of mind of most millennials? Ah well. 

This has been a pretty random blog post, with me just typing out whatever comes to my mind. But my mind feels surprisingly more rested after it. The only thing which still plagues me is which blog I should post it in haha. 

The carefree life which so defined the Hui Ting of her teenage years, which her peers admired in her - is it still around? Is it possible for me to make contact with that Hui Ting again? I hope it is possible. I think that Hui Ting is much more content with her state of life, because she simply throws away the baggage which she doesn't require. 

That is another way of living. And I don't think anyone can fault anyone else for wanting to live that way. 

Please don't hold me back. 

The more you try, the more I will struggle to break free. 

For the people who care, I suppose I wouldn't mind them looking at this post, but it's better if you don't speak to me about it haha.

-

I guess what I really crave at the moment is to be able to do something without thinking about what I could achieve by doing it, haha. Do things without considering their KPIs. KPIs take up too much of our lives now; is there really no inherent value in enjoying something without trying to put a price tag on their supposed 'values'?

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Tuesday, September 26, 2017 @ 9:42 PM
まあいい
What's the purpose of uni?

To discover yourself, or so they say. 

So what have I discovered of myself?

Well, for one, that I need sleep - loads of sleep. And somehow, sometimes, when I push myself too hard, I will suffer a very alarming burnout. And I wouldn't even see it coming. When I am pushing myself too hard, I wouldn't know that I am pushing myself too hard, until I am in the midst of the burnout. 

What do I do when I suffer a burnout, then... Well, I have discovered that changing perspectives help a lot. I need to go out and see the world - to put myself in a different situation - before I can go back to my normal self again. (I wouldn't call that self a happy self, but perhaps content would do just fine.) 

In the midst of such a burnout now. It's hard for me to do anything academic-related. It's also hard for me to do the things I am supposed to enjoy doing too, because there's just this tag on them - that I am doing them because they are supposed to make me happier, not because I intrinsically value the act of doing them. 

Weird, right. The mind functioning on so many levels. So what happens with this is that I just find myself completing the things that I have to do, which have an obvious, looming, deadline (like my Jap worksheets) and then for the rest - the things which I can escape from, or push back - I'd just push them back without abandon. It was the same feeling with the Immunology midterm last semester, which I decided to just dabao and take MC for because I simply couldn't study and I knew that even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to do it. 

Now, all I feel like doing after I complete the things I have to do is lie on my bed and stone. Not do anything. Not think about anything. Really just stone. 

But I felt happier when I was with the juniors at the Student Leaders' Night just now. Was it because for that two hours, I could just take myself out of my current situation and go to another place? Enter another world? Why is my current world so scary, then :( 

I just feel unbelievably tired when I am here in my room, sitting in my bed. IT's like the entire surroundings suck the energy out of me, crazily, completely. Perhaps this is just a sign that I shouldn't stay indoors in this situation then :) 

What surprised me the most was that even listening to music couldn't cheer me up T-T Not even those super bass- and beat-heavy music like club songs, haha... Whereas in the past, when I felt unbelievably tired, all I had to do was to listen to those songs to get my energy up (if not spirits up) and I would be able to go through the day, if not numbly and listlessly. 

Sigh. This is a new development, I guess. But I think we should be able to find other ways to get through it. Taking myself out of my usual world and situation should be fine, I guess. One of the possible methods. Hehe. But yeah. 

See you around, then. -sigh-

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Sunday, August 6, 2017 @ 2:25 PM
3 August 2017 | 9.46 pm
Am on the topmost level of the playground below our house once again. I am reminded of the time more than two years ago - perhaps even three years ago - when I sat huddled up against the same railings in my school uniform, writing in my little black diary. Reflecting on how quickly time seems to pass by. 

I have no idea what will happen in the future. I don’t know if three years later I’d be able to sit here again, marvelling at how the same location threads through time and connects me together. The different mes. Or is there just one me? Is the me one year ago and the me now two different people? Is the me a second ago and the me now two different people?

What will I choose for the future? What will I let go off, and what would I hold on tightly to? What regrets will I hold, what pain will I feel? i hope that one day I’d be able to sit here again, in the same location, and pause to take stock of the way my life has turned out to be. 

I never postulated that my life would turn out this way. Maybe this is what we always think when we look back on our lives. Ah.

One day, this place will fall to ruins too. This playground will be old, demolished. This land - these trees and greenery around me, or even these signs that humans once existed here, that life once existed here - will be gone. In the dark of the night, illuminated by streetlamps and the moon above me, I am once again reminded of how fleeting life is. Nothing lasts. That is the truth

In the face of this.. What is it that I want to do? What will continue keeping my soul happy, satisfied? The music that I listen to will change. The routines that govern my life will change. The people I surround myself with will change. What is the one thing that will remain constant? 

I am seized by a sudden, inexorable sense of dreadful calm. Like I understand where the final destination of every one of us lies. A calm acceptance of a terrible end. What is it that grounds me in the present, even when I accept this epilogue fearlessly?

I would very much like to know my answer to that question one day. A firm answer, one that I truly believe in. One that stays with me even as the things around me change. 


These are the moments in which I feel the most alive. 
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Wednesday, July 26, 2017 @ 11:03 AM
Let me love you when your heart is tired


~




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Wednesday, June 14, 2017 @ 8:36 AM
Riding into the Storm;
私は何のために生きて?

毎日 同じのことをして、そう考えた
どうして心と頭がそんなに重い?

得过且过原来就是指这样的生活吗?

三个月的时间可能太短了;我无法从中准确的预测将来会做出的决定。这是我的弱点吗?需要至少一年的时间适应新环境。

我后来的人生是不是只能用这种方式度过?
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Sunday, June 4, 2017 @ 11:11 AM
I Took a Pill in Ibiza - Seeb Remix
It's when I'm exhausted that I find myself doing stupid things because my inhibitions and better reasoning skills are left behind
Hi. How are things going for you nowadays? For me, not so good. I'm feeling kinda tired. Wondering if it's because I don't give myself enough rest. Going to work takes up all the time between 7am to 6pm, or even 7pm sometimes, because I wake up at 7am to prepare to go to work, and only reach home at 7pm at times. And if I want to exercise, it means that I'll barely have time for anything else. But it's still manageable for now; it's not so much as the act of going to lab itself, but the fact that I am spending probably a little bit too much time there, to the extent where I'm not giving myself enough rest.

Of course, I can always go later, haha. It's not like there's a strict rule laid upon me or something which says that I must wake up at 7am and must reach lab by 9am and must leave lab only at 6pm. It's my own doing, haha.

And wanting to exercise is my own goal too. So is learning Japanese. So is going out with my friends. But perhaps I ought to put a little bit more time to relax. To just sit and stare into space, thinking about nothing. A pocket of time where I don't need to do anything. My body and mind tells me that I need this now, haha, because it is recognising the signs of me falling into a not-rested-enough state. Cuz even on weekends I am trying to fill my time up and spend it meaningfully with my family.

Probably all I need to do now is sleep. But I must learn Japanese! If I don't start on this today I'd be lagging behind already.

Maybe I shouldn't put too much effort on remembering every vocab, because I'm pretty sure that I probably just need to pass the LJ9004 placement test (not get A or A+, mind you) to be able to take LJ9004. Alright then :)

Seeyah!

P.S. I finished two books in the last three weeks. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood, and A Dog's Purpose by Bruce Cameron. Mostly on the way to work and on the way back from work on the MRT. And so those periods of travelling time are taken up as well, haha. I guess I can't complain then, cuz it's really because I'm spending a lot of my time on things that are not exactly mind-free, per se.

P.P.S. I got two A-s this semester. BS2004 and BS2008. Got an A for Immunology, which was really great, I guess. A for WnR, which was not unpredictable. And A+ for both RA and Japanese. Oh well. MSG for this semester was 4.82. Overall cumulative GPA increase to 4.71. And GPA for this academic year will be 4.88, most probably, since I think I took the same number of AUs this semester and last semester. Not sure if I will get the Dean's List or not. But I suppose it doesn't really matter to me.

Alright, see you. Smelling some stuff that my father is cooking now and it smells so much like agar/LB powder/some microbiology lab stuff that I am pretty triggered now LOL.
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recent entries

Just putting this here. Happier Thoughts speaking to the soul giving up and letting go This is what I'm like. まあいい 3 August 2017 | 9.46 pm Let me love you when your heart is tired Riding into the Storm; I Took a Pill in Ibiza - Seeb Remix