some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Wednesday, November 29, 2017 @ 7:18 PM
いらないものは捨ててもいい
Please abandon the things that you do not need! The things that are not in line with your priorities! 
I realise that I am suddenly so fearful of taking on responsibilities. Is this a side effect of having exerted myself too much in the past, although I didn't feel like I was exerting myself? If so, then it's really sad. 

I shy away from all sorts of thoughts of these responsibilities now. Have I messed up my priorities in the past? I can't think straight when my priorities are not in order. 

It boils down to my perfectionistic nature, I believe. Since when did I become so perfectionistic? Wanting everything I do to be perfect? Perfectly executed, perfectly designed, if not, perfectly explainable... Ugh. These thoughts of perfection are what suffocates me. There are times when I feel like I can't breathe from the weight of these thoughts buzzing around like a swarm of killer wasps in my brain. It's tiring, incarcerating. And I believe that if I don't control it, it will drive me mad some day. 

I must learn how to let it go - to understand that nobody is humanly capable of achieving perfection in everything they do, and chasing after these perfections mindlessly is what leads to the greatest failures of all. 

Let go, let your mind and soul breathe, relax. 

Trust that there is a higher being taking care of you, if you must. 
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Friday, November 24, 2017 @ 1:38 PM
Hey,
Why are you so able to forgive others but yet so demanding on yourself?

Why do you hold yourself to such a steep standard compared to what you hold others to?

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Sunday, November 5, 2017 @ 11:19 AM
Strangeness of the soul; giving up and letting go.
In life, there are things worth getting excited over, and things not worth your effort. The key is to decide which category each thing belongs to, and then you are set to go - to live happily, healthily, in a way that is at peace with your soul. 
What do you want
to be the rhythm your life moves to?

Somehow I feel happier when my life is in this state than when I was too
 caught up in making sure that everything went 'perfectly'.

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Monday, October 30, 2017 @ 10:00 PM
『生きて』、私に言っていた
我累了。该做的我都做了。其余剩下的就只有等着。

一天又一天就这么的过去了。

我们之所以战斗是为了什么?即使没有战斗的理由,为什么还是会战斗下去呢?

人类究竟是为了什么而选择生存呢。如果一切将被夺走,有什么会让你依依不舍?

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Tuesday, October 24, 2017 @ 8:03 PM
What to do if I'm just don't care? If I'm just a child inside? If I'm still a child inside, despite what I ought to already know and already have inside of my treasure trove of supposed wisdom and experiences?
What to do if I don't give a fuck?
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Monday, October 16, 2017 @ 8:28 PM
Just putting this here.
哦第一次你  牵起我的右手
我呼吸难过  心不停的颤抖
哦第一次我  躺在你的胸口
听着你的心  慢慢地跳动
那时一起许下的承诺  一起并肩往前走

哦第一次吻  你嫩嫩的唇口
情不自禁   融化你拥抱中
哦第一次我  望着你的面孔
想要说爱你  却不敢说出口
那是第一次知道天长地久


从内心写出的歌词  描述着我们的故事
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@ 5:16 PM
Happier Thoughts
Hello! Am in one of the SPMS computer labs right now printing my lecture notes, and I am here blogging because I thought that the keyboard was really nice to type with! Ahhaahahha.

We just finished our group meeting with Marilyn (the CY0006 project) and also the meeting after Marilyn left. Am happy to say that our idea is getting more and more refined day by day! It's really great then, that we met Marilyn today because talking with her helped to tease out more ideas from us.

I feel like we are really starting to take ownership of the project, ahahhaa. And after having gone to that BayCurrent Consulting recruiment talk I've started to think more openly as well about my options. (okay that was very random LOL but the recruitment talk gave me the same sort of ownership and security about my future...?) Oh okay that reminds me, I have to reply Ringo for the JCCI interview dates. And I will also start preparing for the interview tonight, too.

Great. Now that my priorities are getting more defined, it is easier for me to decide what are the things I really want to focus my energy on, versus the things which I can throw aside very readily (e.g school work).

I want to test my strengths in the market, and making a resume is something which I have to do. So I should do that this week, using the internship application to BayCurrent Consulting as an excuse.

That is the way I tend to do things, I guess, always using some sort of external circumstance as an excuse to start on the things I've been wanting to do but which I didn't really have any reason to do ahahha.

All right, tonight, I will continue working on my interview questions. And maybe start thinking a little about the cover letter (although I don't really feel that much for the company, and won't spend too much time on it.)

Okay!

This is good. Segmenting the tasks I choose to do into different levels of priorities, focus, and energy.

There is no point spending 100% energy on everything; it is not humanly possible to do that as well.

So you've got to let go of some things. And for other things, you could spend 120%, as long as the opportunity cost is not too huge.

All right, then! Time to go to SCELSE to meet someone :D
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Thursday, October 12, 2017 @ 9:43 PM
speaking to the soul
Loneliness.

I wonder if that was what I have been feeling recently?

No late-night suppers, no spur-of-the-moment gatherings, fewer meet-ups with friends... It's almost as if an entire area of my life has gone.

It is different. Maybe these 'reckless' moments were what gave rise to my motivation to continue studying the next day.

I don't really know.

I think I can continue pushing off my work. After all, it is not as if they are due the next day.

I am probably just putting undue stress on myself. Why strive to complete everything so quickly?

Procrastinating might be a better way to function.

人到底还是被动的,不是吗。之所以才被称为 “动物”。

A key characteristic of a living thing is "responding to external stimulations".

There is no need to heap unnecessary stress on yourself when you are not even that much affected yet, and when you can get away with doing the minimum.

-

I like how the night sky rumbles with thunder and flashes with electricity in the distance. Such a huge and inescapable phenomenon, bearing its weight down upon us, and yet still calming. It reminds us that there is something larger out there. 

I realise that I generally like rain. Especially in the early morning or at night. Storms are beautiful; I always feel calm when I see them occur (when I am indoors, at home, of course).
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@ 4:57 PM
giving up and letting go
I think what has been plaguing me is the amount of mental load which I have been carrying.

Mental load.

That's an interesting concept, but it explains why I feel so overwhelmed and tired even though I do not exactly do many things physically.

Mental load...

Completing my Biology and Society essay is one thing, completing it while having thoughts about what I have to do next is another.

There is a mental checklist in my head which was steadily growing.

- Complete BS0001 Essay
- Complete CY0006 Individual Case Study
- Think about how to prepare for JCCI Interview
- Research about CRISPR, understand it
- Plan out your CY2002 experiment
- Stay on the lookout for recruitment talks and networking opportunities
- Read the Japanese books you took photos of
- Read your English books
- Start to prepare for finals by going through your materials
- Upload the rest of your Europe 2016 photos
- Book trains to Amsterdam, find accommodation, find taobao 3G data card
- Write stories, RP

There are way too many things on my mind at the moment. The list only continues to grow.

No wonder I feel so exhausted. I have to bear the weight of all these things even as I go on to complete them.

It was easier being a secondary school student because you don't have to hold so many thoughts and considerations in your mind simultaneously, all the time. You just look at the next deadline, which is the next time you have to submit your homework or the next test you are going to get, and then you are done. After that, you are free to do whatever you want, whatever you choose.

But things are different now. Even if I somehow manage to complete one thing, there will always still be other things there, loitering in the back of my mind, asking me to complete them. Even if I choose to rest, what comes to the top of my mind will be "relaxing" activities such as watching anime, reading my book, or exercising, and even all these are done with a purpose, with a plan in mind.

My heart is no longer a part of the process.  いつでも、everything is decided by my brain.

And my brain is exhausted.

It is so tired. From having to plan all steps ahead, for choosing what to do based on the situation, for deciding on what to do if the situation arises before it can choose what to do based on the situation. There is no actual time in which it has let go - of thoughts, plans, everything.

But as much as I hate to admit it, this is something which we have to live with now that we become more aware of the world. I will always be thinking about whether I have enough money to survive, because now I have to be responsible for my own survival. It's tiring to have to be on that alert state all the time. It gives you prolonged stress. Even from the biological point of view, stress is something which will activate your fight or flight system and your adrenal glands, to give you enough energy and whatever else you need to overcome that particular situation. But when the situation drags on for far too long, for weeks, months, years - that's when it becomes seriously unhealthy. A different kind of hormone and compound is being secreted now, a different stress system activated. And this system does shit to both your body and your mind.

It's terrible, really.

I suppose this is why I always find myself wanting to just lie down on my bed to not do anything recently - but even then, that is only a momentary escape. Once I get off my bed, I am still back into that reality again, that cycle, that stress.

Unless I manage to find a way to let go of them all. Or are we doomed to carry this for the rest of our lives? How will our bodies be affected? How will our minds be affected?

I want to not think about anything.
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Saturday, September 30, 2017 @ 12:49 PM
This is what I'm like.
A certain set of characteristics and traits which form the basis of me and which dictate whether I can survive in the world when the environment changes. Natural selection.

I wonder if I blog here if people would be able to see it. Ahhhh, yes, they can see it. Ah well. I hope that nobody will be looking at me typing then ahahaha. But if I restrict the broadcast to only one TV then the music wouldn't be played in the room. Ah well.

I think what is essential for me would be to find out at what level I peak, and how long I need to take to compensate for my exertions. Have I really allowed myself to rest, so that I can go back to work being motivated? For now, obviously I haven't, because it seems pretty often that I am over-stretching myself, and falling into a lethargic mood without being able to complete anything, including the things I used to find enjoyable. 

I also have to redefine what 'rest' is to me. Is rest a deliberate hour taken to recuperate, with the intention of going back to work after that hour? What I've learnt is that sometimes, it is not possible for you to define exactly how much rest you need. And if you've rested enough, your body will tell it to you naturally. It's the same with sleep. If you've slept enough, your body will wake up naturally and show you signs that you've slept enough. If not, you should just continue to sleep. 

Somehow, watching the words form on the projection screen is very satisfying. It's almost like typing on a typewriter, except that we have a backspace here which we can use ahahaha. 

Also, BTS' DNA almost sounds like English song. The way it starts, the instruments used. I suppose this is what contributes to their success on the global stage. 

How much do I need to rest? What constitutes rest? In order to get to my fullest potential, these are questions which I have to answer. Sometimes maybe even sleep is enough. Or just lying on my bed not doing anything. Or just doing anything I feel like doing, not which I had previously set aside in my brain that I could do if I had more time to myself. Ah well. 

It's pretty nice to type this in the darkened classroom as well, except that people might be more able to see this. But then again it's not like there are a lot of people walking around this place even though I'm on the ground level, because it is currently a Saturday. The first Saturday of our recess week, no less. 

I think I should probably uninstall FaceBook because it is taking up too much of my time and attention haha. Especially since I am in the Ikemen Series Group, with the girls posting so many notifications. Perhaps I should uninstall it on my phone and only set a certain period in which I can log in, preferably on my laptop. So that I will have set times for RPing as well. If not, it takes up too much of my subconscious.

Shit, the song "Intentions" describe me so well. 

I wanna be sober, but I love getting high
Wanna give it a hundred percent, but I'm too afraid to try
I wanna be faithful, but love hooking up with randos
I wanna live by the law, but still think like a vandal
I wanna get exercise, but I'm too lazy to workout
I want all the finer things, but don't wanna go to work now
I wanna go outside, take my family to the beach
I wake up in the morning, first thing I do is look at a screen, at a screen

Wanna live freely, why isn't it so easy?
I should read a book, but I keep watching this TV
And I know this lifestyle doesn't really feed me
I just tune out to the voice inside that's speaking

Shit, it speaks volumes to me. Does it describe the state of mind of most millennials? Ah well. 

This has been a pretty random blog post, with me just typing out whatever comes to my mind. But my mind feels surprisingly more rested after it. The only thing which still plagues me is which blog I should post it in haha. 

The carefree life which so defined the Hui Ting of her teenage years, which her peers admired in her - is it still around? Is it possible for me to make contact with that Hui Ting again? I hope it is possible. I think that Hui Ting is much more content with her state of life, because she simply throws away the baggage which she doesn't require. 

That is another way of living. And I don't think anyone can fault anyone else for wanting to live that way. 

Please don't hold me back. 

The more you try, the more I will struggle to break free. 

For the people who care, I suppose I wouldn't mind them looking at this post, but it's better if you don't speak to me about it haha.

-

I guess what I really crave at the moment is to be able to do something without thinking about what I could achieve by doing it, haha. Do things without considering their KPIs. KPIs take up too much of our lives now; is there really no inherent value in enjoying something without trying to put a price tag on their supposed 'values'?

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いらないものは捨ててもいい Hey, Strangeness of the soul; giving up and letting go.... 『生きて』、私に言っていた What to do if I'm just don't care? If I'm just a c... Just putting this here. Happier Thoughts speaking to the soul giving up and letting go This is what I'm like.