some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

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more of me

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Saturday, May 19, 2018 @ 11:29 PM
Perfectionist streaks.
Hmmm, made some observations of myself over the past few weeks and thought I'd just record it down!

The most important discovery I've made is probably about the way I react to event planning and management. Whenever I am the one in charge of deciding the place to go for a gathering, or of the itinerary of the day, I tend to put a humongous load of pressure on myself for seeing that the project works. My perfectionist streak will flow through extremely strongly in this field of things. While that may be a good thing, the way I deal with it is not exactly good. Perfectionism stems from a deep desire to want to see things play out in a wonderful way, but on the flip side, if things don't turn out "perfectly", I'd feel unnecessarily stressed. It's like my mind believes that my entire pride and capability rests on how well the event turns out - when honestly, it's not even official business! I won't lose my livelihood because of some screw ups in events, but I seem to place quite a large burden on myself to plan all events perfectly. Bear in mind that these events tend to be those "trivial" ones, including date nights, birthday dinners etc. Man. This exact same thing happened just now, when I was overwhelmed by my need to plan the perfect birthday dinner for mummymon in which every involved party feels great about the event - mummymon about the food and the atmosphere, my Brother and I about the price, my Father and Alvin about the quality and nature of the food.

Come to think of it, this happens a lot in the other parts of my life as well - when I plan dates, when I suggest restaurants to eat at. And it's probably not healthy, because the worth of myself as a person doesn't rest on how well I managed to plan an event to suit all involved-parties' needs. I wonder when this perfectionism surfaced? Was it after I took on the role of special projects director, and had the experience of planning events for the scholars? Hmm, it may be true. Ah well.

For now I'll head to bed. I have one more day left to rest and to do whatever I want/need to do. Tomorrow will be yet another day! And hopefully a better one too.

See you.
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Sunday, April 29, 2018 @ 10:37 PM
Now Playing: Autumn Finds Winter - Yiruma
Was seized with the sudden, intense urge to come here, and blog.

What extraordinary emotions I'm feeling now, listening to Yiruma's Autumn Finds Winter. Such a simple motif, and yet it moves me to my core. I'm not sure what of it arouses such acute senses within  me. I think my brain may have linked it inextricably to the first night Alvin attended a music concert together with me - last night, as we sat in seats HC16 & 17 on the second circle of the Star Theatre, listening to Yiruma play on his grand piano.

It didn't feel like much then. I'm still not sure how last night affected me, or will come to affect me. Maybe my subconscious mind has internalised several of those new melodies I've heard for the first time last night, and linked them to different things which I felt in the time from then till now.

I went to my grandmother's house to celebrate her birthday (and allegedly, Mothers' Day) just now. My dad brought a large cake over - vanilla-flavoured, topped with fresh cream and strawberries, pre-ordered from Prima Deli - and the rest of my grandmother's children were there as well, together with their children and their children's children. Time flashed by right in front of my eyes then, as I watched how my aunts and uncles interacted with one another - it reminded me potently of the time when we stayed together with my grandmother at Holland Grove Road, when the paternal relatives would come over every now and then to have a chat.

Time flies, and now we are old. Older. I'm no longer as scared of them as I used to be; I'm no longer doubtful of my decisions and eager to impress them. I don't shy away from contact with them now, and I know that what they think about me has no power over the way I choose to exist. It's a strange thought. Now that I think back upon it, I'm not certain what made me so afraid of them in the past. As if I had to live up to pleasing them, and impressing them. Was I really such an unconfident child?

I went to Chinatown and OG with my parents just now. They bought two Hush Puppies luggages for me, in preparation for my trip to the States. And then we walked around, and ate dessert. And walked to buy bakkwa at a store. These times won't last. I observe the way my mum interacts with my dad, and vice versa, and I think - I know more about them now, and yet, how long can this last? I see their strengths and flaws now, and see how human they are. I no longer shy away from the thought that they, too, are humans. Like any other.

When we are young, when our parents are everything to us, we tend to think of them as perfect creatures. The world as a perfect place, without loopholes.

But as I grow up, I've come to know, more and more, that there are loopholes everywhere. We seem to know what we are doing, but in reality, what are we doing, really? We've established all these systems and institutions, the economy, politics, law - but even the law, the absolute law, has its loopholes. I don't think anyone truly knows what they are doing.

As a child I believed that the world was flawless.

Now I feel like we are just a species so extraordinarily lucky to be alive, to exist in this... spacetime fabric. What would you call it? This bubble, this space that we exist in? The 'world'? That seems insufficient, somehow. It's so improbable that I am here, at this moment, a combination of all the things that make up me and which have conspired together in the past to lead to something like me.

And what... scares me, is the inevitability of death and loss. Just as it was almost incomprehensible that I can exist right now, it is almost too easy that I can be gone. Our very existence seems like an extremity in probability. If that's the case, then... It's not easy for me to believe that we are the product of a string of coincidences. There must be so much more to the spacetime we occupy that we think. We are merely ants in the face of the universe, microbes. Unseeable. And unseen. Unless you know where to look. Which means that a much more intelligent assembly must exist, somewhere out there. Maybe beyond our current range of sight.

We are so.. frail. So fragile, and small. Minute. Infinitely small.

What are we?

I have the nagging, and somewhat fearful thought, that it will all end soon.

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Friday, April 13, 2018 @ 4:30 PM
Eating as a form of distraction
A little frustrated (TN: VERY frustrated) that I can't seem to get a perfect piece of recording for the piano songs that I play. Every time I record, I'll seem to get distracted in the middle of the recording, be it by my own mistakes, or the sound of the dog scratching itself, or the incessant whine of the drills that start playing in the background due to construction. Or by the sound of the lift doors opening and the dog jumping up and running towards the door. Or by the thought of someone opening the front door and coming into the room when I am recording.

And when I get distracted, I make a mistake. Or mistakes. Then my brain would focus on the mistake. And I would make more mistakes.

What will allow me to keep playing within the flow? Within my own little bubble of space and intensity, without allowing my mind to drift even when I make a mistake? How do I keep my mind focused on the moment of playing instead of elsewhere?

I see now that this is probably what Coach Yakov (Yuri!!! On Ice) meant when he said that Yuri Plisetsky lacked experience in competitions; Yurio would get nervous, and then that nervousness causes him to miss his jumps. Somehow, every performer, every athlete, will need to be able to control their minds and their minds' wanderings, directing those wanderings into better executing whatever it is that they are executing instead of allowing them to distract them from the executions. It probably requires some sort of training or experience to be able to reroute one's mind immediately when such distractions occur.

Sigh. It's frustrating indeed. But I probably ought to give myself time.

And I probably need to eat less snacks or else I'd be back to my pre-France uni (plumper) self in no time. -sigh-
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Wednesday, April 11, 2018 @ 12:10 PM
One of those days
Am having a hard time focusing on doing any one thing! And the time just whiles away like that, as I am jumping between many different trains of thoughts and tasks.

If that's the case, then I believe I should take a break for a while, and let my body do what it needs me to allow it to do! Before I can find back my focus again. 

Right. Okay. Glad that I decided not to go down to Tai Seng to return my TravelClef Flexi-piano today. My body and mind just isn't in the mood to get out of the house, much less to somewhere so far away and annoying. 

Right. Looks like today's one of those days where one is just less "productive", then! Although resting is definitely a productive thing to do. 

Chill, girl. Nothing is going wrong. Things will proceed at their own time. And more importantly, no matter what happens, you will still survive. So all will be well. Relax.

:)

-

[update - after lunch]

Ate ramen for lunch. But that's not the point HAHA.

One of those days in which you're just like 'fuck the world' (probably because you are in pain and you can't really do anything to give yourself less pain)

The caramel-filled dark chocolate from Bruges helped though. It was a really good piece of chocolate. Oui.

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Monday, April 9, 2018 @ 10:17 PM
A foggy world(?)
I don't write down my feelings as much now as I did in the past, and the things that I write about have changed. I used to be more concerned about people of the opposite gender - whoever it is I was having a "crush" on or whom I was more preoccupied with at the moment - and affected by how they treat me, but now I'm more... stable in this regard, I suppose. That's good. Now I'm more concerned about my future goals, and the general direction in which I want my life to take. Looking back at the recent entries within the past year, I'd say that this is something which has been taking up a lot of my mental space. But I guess I can safely say that I'm closer to the light than I was in the past. Last time, I'd be wandering around in the fog, and not see anything at all. Then there reached a point where some light started to come into my foggy world, but because of the nature of fog, the light is dispersed; I see the entire fog being illuminated, and it doesn't help me any more than darkness does. And then now, I've pushed through the water vapour enough to see the light starting to narrow down. I can almost see where its source comes from, if I keep pushing forward in the same direction. Although I know it'll still be a long way to go; the fog being me is still illuminated, albeit to a minutely less extent than the fog in front of me - and that's how I know where to go - but it'll still take a while for me to reach the source of that light. But it's definitely better than darkness. Or an all-round illumination. Definitely.

Who knows, maybe the further I trace the source of this beam, I might suddenly find myself coming face to face with a mirror and realise that the light was only reflected in the current direction due to that mirror. But I'll deal with it when that comes. Most importantly, for now, I at least have some sort of direction to follow - some sort of hint regarding where I should go next. And this makes all the difference to my world.

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Wednesday, April 4, 2018 @ 6:16 PM
Don't know why I'm writing this down

Sometimes, there's this urge, this craving inside of me which can only be satiated by playing the piano.

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@ 4:01 PM
We call everything on the ice, "love".
一人で抱えるには大きすぐ夢じゃなきゃ、辿り着けない場所がある。
There's a place you can't reach unless you have a dream too big to be borne alone.
The first anime I'd watch over and over again (and I have done that). :'( It taught me so much - about dreams, perseverance, hard work, and people.

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@ 12:12 PM
A bit of self-observation,
My imagination motivates my dreams. What I see in them will determine whether or not I will continue down the paths which I am currently on.

What motivates my imagination then, you'll say?

My experiences. And I believe that there is be a bit of choice involved in shaping these experiences, because sometimes, I can choose the experiences which I want to go through.

Other times though, these experiences come completely unexpected.

And so I see, I imagine, I decide, and then I adapt.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2018 @ 6:44 PM
Plea for help
Mmhm, I clapped my hands:
And the reason for that is...









It's always been pretty easy for me to do well in school work. In primary school, secondary school, JC, sometimes even in university. I scored my As, I did exceedingly well (not going to mince my words), I was always in the best class, and I never had to try too hard for it. The thing is, I'm not sure if I did well because I tried hard or if it's because I'm innately "talented". It's a very sad dilemma to be stuck in, because on one hand, if my superb results were due to my "talent", then this means that I am suffering from some sort of symptoms similar to the ones described in the series of pictures above. If I was indeed working hard to get those results, I don't know that I was working hard - nobody ever told me that I was working hard, or praised me for working hard. They only praised me for the As. And even then, the praises slowly dwindled as the years passed. Getting an A in uni now is nothing to be proud of. Cuz it seems like everyone can get it with hard work. And everyone is able to work hard. In this case, then, the same outcome will still occur - I'd still exhibit the same symptoms as described above, because I'd still think that the results I've gotten have stemmed from my "talent", and not the hard work - because I simply cannot see the fact that I'm working hard. 

And it seems like the older we get, the less we get praised for working hard as well; when we do some things, or push ourselves a little further, it's simply taken as a sign that we're doing what we're supposed to do anyway. We're supposed to be able to do paperwork. Supposed to be able to sustain ourselves. Supposed to be able to take care of our bills, our education, our lives and our selves. And it makes me feel as though my boundaries are so weak in the first place - if I'm already doing something which I wouldn't have otherwise done, yet people still don't recognise that I'm pushing myself for it, it makes me feel more worthless, because that thing is something which I should be doing yet it's something which I have to put in effort to do. Am I that weak?

What do I compare hard work to? How do I know that I am working hard? Or - as dangerous as this question is - hard enough? Can somebody please pat me on the back, and let me know that I have worked hard? Even adults need that once in a while - especially adults who were not taught the value of hard work as kids.

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Saturday, March 24, 2018 @ 11:35 PM
So excited that I can barely breathe;
Have you ever felt so excited to continue working on a project that you have trouble going to sleep at night because all you can think about is how to continue working on your project? But at the same time you know that's you are exhausted, physically and mentally from your day, although your project seems to give you a rush of adrenaline and excitement.

Here, I have someone I don't want to disappoint, and that is probably what keeps me going. Perhaps only his word, and his word alone, is enough to keep me going. Because I haven't made a promise, or a bet, with anyone else in this way - I didn't have anyone who cared enough about me to make sure that I stick to my promises. Or rather, I didn't have anyone strong enough to sway me from my own opinions and my own 放纵ness.

And I want to surprise him :) I wonder what his reaction will be.

But for now, I know that I should go to bed instead of continuing on this project, haha, because rest is also equally important.

I look forward to tomorrow, when I'll wake up refreshed and ready to continue moving on.

-

Anyway, thoughts on the car ride back to the house this evening from the funeral:

What are the things that you turn to - that comfort you - when you feel uneasy; restless; frustrated; vexed; on edge?

I believe that your answer to this question will, somehow, reveal something very significant about your life.

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Perfectionist streaks. Now Playing: Autumn Finds Winter - Yiruma Eating as a form of distraction One of those days A foggy world(?) Don't know why I'm writing this down We call everything on the ice, "love". A bit of self-observation, Plea for help So excited that I can barely breathe;