& not-so deep secrets
huiting says hi
Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:
This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.
Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.
Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)
人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.
more of me
Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Saturday, September 15, 2018 @ 1:14 AM
ReportingJust had an excellent breakfast of a pancake, scrambled eggs and a pork sausage from the hospital cafeteria. It was $3.50 in total :) But it was really good, and the butter and maple syrup was free -heart shape eyes emoticon- Definitely something I'll go back for again! Good breakfast! :) And I'm definitely very willing to pay $3.50 for it, even in Singapore terms hahaha this is like having a McDonald breakfast xD Except that you get to choose what you want on your plate! Woohoo!
Here's to a good day and a good weekend ahead :)
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Wednesday, September 12, 2018 @ 1:02 PM
I am feeling loads happier now! Today went by in a flash, probably because there were things to do. And I enjoyed cooking my pork bolognese fusilli just now as well. Tomorrow's lunch is settled, so is dinner/lunch for the day after tomorrow :) I'm looking forward to eating that fusilli!
Hehe, not sure if I've mentioned it here yet, but it seems as though after I came back from France last year (or the beginning of this year, actually), my cooking skills have miraculously improved by leaps and bounds. It's as if being in France helped me to become a gourmet chef myself HAHA. French food is awesome. Perhaps it was that final meal I cooked for our host family that boosted my confidence by leaps and bounds heh. But now I'm really very comfortable with cooking. Perhaps I should create an album to save all the photos of the food I've cooked here; that would be interesting :)
I think I'm still eating too much, though. Haha. Well, I can only slowly cut down my food intake. Doesn't help that I have so many snacks in my room too xD But it's alright, I still have 1.33 months to finish them. I think I'll be able to accomplish that, at least :P Shall try to buy less snacks now HAHA. Cheetos puffs are really good though D: I like how they are salty enough as a snack, but still not too salty, and not too hard and dry too - I won't cut my throat so terrible when I eat them, unlike potato chips ahahaha. Cheetos puffs is probably one thing I'll miss quite a lot when I go back to Singapore :P Of course, Mexican food as well! Pretty sure Singapore will have Mexican restaurants though, just gotta go find them xD
Well, I can definitely feel the piece of fats in front of my stomach starting to grow! It's a good time to start cutting down my calorie intake for every meal haha. Go back to January/February times this year when I ate a lot less after being scared into doing so after my terrible France experience of eating till I'm sick. I suppose the frequent biking helps to keep my legs toned too. But I don't want a fat stomach, so I'll still cut down on the amount I eat for every meal ^^
Alright, time to watch some anime and relax for the day!
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Tuesday, September 11, 2018 @ 4:55 AM
Musings; the importance of memoriesHello dear blog :) I am feeling very happy right now because I cooked rice and steamed minced pork and cabbage+eggs for lunch, and I ate 1/4 plus 1/12 of the mini mooncake I bought from the Hong Kong bakery in San Francisco two days ago. It was good :) It is good, haha, tastes exactly like the mooncakes back home, and perhaps can be on par with the better mooncakes back home HAHA. I savoured it slowly with my earl grey tea from Trader Joe's, so I'm a happy girl now!
It's 1.37pm in the afternoon and I didn't go to lab today ahaha. Firstly because Kelly is not going to be there anyway, and secondly because I don't think I'll gain much from going there. I still need to read papers and do my literature review, so yep. Managed to read some papers in the morning! And now I think I have a rough idea of what I would like to do for my official FYP, so I'm less frantic and directionless now haha.
I suppose the rest yesterday helped! The rest over the weekend too. I have so much food now, hehe, don't think I'll be able to finish them LOL. Will probably bring the Milano cookies to lab to get the rest of the lab members to polish it off HAHA. Yep, there's still a lot of cookies left that I don't really fancy eating so x) The Cheetos puffs were really great though! I didn't expect each puff to be so big! Haha! But it's nice, and pretty cheap too, so I think I'll buy it again in the future :) I still have half a bag left, but it's a good snack! Not as terribly sinful as Super Rings HAHA the colouring is not so intense. Woohoo. The Ritz cheese snack packs are another story though x-x So salty omg, both the cheese dipping sauce and the biscuits... Don't think I'll eat a lot of it as well, and I probably won't buy it again -sheepish-. Probably should have spent my money on the cheese sandwich crackers instead, but then it was such a huge packet (12 individual 3-sandwich packets!) that I was a little afraid to buy it too x-x Moderation is my guiding motto HAHA, I don't care if I can get more with just $2 more or something, the value doesn't really appeal to me. I'd rather be able to try a variety of different things instead xD
Man, haven't opened that cheese tortellini pack from Trader Joe's yet! I wonder what it tastes like? I'll have to finish up my beef bolognese ravioli and pesto tortellini first though, and that will be another two meals already HAHA. Guess my fridge is really very well-stocked with food :P Can't help it, especially not when Safeway is just across the street and I like to walk through supermarkets to buy things. Perhaps I should have bought that dried shelf-stable cheese tortellini instead, but well, there's always next time xD I still have 6 months to go! Plenty of time left to try other things ahaha.
But of course, I'm also very glad that I can cook dishes from back home, like broccoli + carrots, ABC soup, other soups, etc. That means that I won't really get homesick for Chinese food HAHA. Because I am free to cook it! Woohoo. That's one good thing about living in a place long-term vs just being in a hostel I guess. You get to buy more stuff and stock up the fridge for a longer time. Suddenly reminded of our family's Australia adventure haha, when we stayed in that nice house on Phillip Island and had that super nice home-cooked dinner together. And also when we cooked during those days spent in the hostel haha. It was nice! And when we cooked during the Great Ocean Road night too. Man, if I don't think hard about it, I think I might forget all these memories haha. It's pretty important to record these things down... I think a memory device will be good, so that we can go back and review certain moments if we want to. But of course there'll be that whole host of other considerations as well like people losing themselves in their memories instead of the present, Black Mirror-like stuff happening, etc... But well, I think memories are a really important part of who we are, and I do get lost in my diaries sometimes as well. Still, it doesn't mean that I've forgotten the present haha. It only serves to motivate me more for the present, once I return from the past...
It's never really the device's fault; it's more of how the people use the device.
Well. That was a good post :) I enjoyed writing it. It's time for me to get on with the other activities I've planned for the day. Shall we?
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Sunday, September 9, 2018 @ 12:16 PM
Daily thoughtsWow, what a day I spent today, dear blog! I went to San Francisco for the first time (Caltrain tickets are really expensive, btw) and had a good time walking around the city and filling my tummy. Bought a cafe latte from Blue Bottle (oat milk) first, and it was really good! The amount of coffee in there might be a tad too much for my tummy though, I got a tummy ache after drinking it x-x But coffee goes great with oat milk! I never knew that! Hehehe! Although I'm pretty sure that the calories in that one cup is definitely more than that in a soy latte HAHA.
After my tummy ache, I went to walk down Chinatown... And found a couple of Hong Kong bakeries that sold mooncakes! The first one had the 白糖糕 too, my favourite kueh! x3 Of course I had to buy one to eat haha, it was USD 1. The taste was pretty different from SG's 白糖糕, in the sense that it was a lot more sour. The vinegarish taste was more apparent. But my tummy felt better after eating it cuz I guess it's something light, not oily and all hehe. Then I continued on my way!
Found the other hong kong bakery, the super-famous one, and identified it by the long queue forming outside it LOL. Apparently it is super famous for its egg tarts but the owners can randomly go on vacation and not open the store (the store times shown on google maps are never updated accurately) so I was really lucky to have caught it when it was open xD Queued for quite a while, then bought an egg tart. MANNN THE EGG TART WAS SO GOOD! Damn it!!! HAHA. It's like, one of the best - if not the best - egg tarts I've ever eaten! Portuguese egg tarts xD Such a creamy and smooth and nice custard fillingggggg with a thin crust layer that was crispy and fresh and hot. GOD. DAMN NICE. If anyone were to ask me for a recommendation in San Francisco I would definitely get them to buy that egg tart HAHA.
Then I went to Fisherman's Wharf! Went to The Codmother Fish and Chips and had a junior fish and chips (which was still incredibly large LOL I couldn't finish all the fries). Not bad :) Burned the roof of my mouth behind my front teeth though because all the food was so hot and I just ignored it and bit into them LOL. But well. Hehe. Then continued on my way and went to walk around Pier 39. Didn't buy anything from there though, because I was already so full from all the food I ate xD Although I wanted to get some ice cream at first. But well, there's always the USD 3.99 Haagen Daz or other ice cream brands from Safeway HAHAHA I might as well get those! xD
Yeah, then decided to Uber back to the San Francisco caltrain station because I was already so tired from walking so long D: they really need to up their public transport game man. It's badddd. Anyway it takes around 1 hour and 15 minutes for the train to get from California Avenue to San Francisco. Pretty long; it's like me going to Pasir Ris haha. And the tickets are expensive (USD 16.50 to go to and fro!) so I probably won't go there so often. :)
Okay, see you!
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Saturday, September 8, 2018 @ 5:15 AM
Better.Hey my dear, can't believe it's been almost three weeks since I was here! In France/Italy LIP terms, it'd mean that the entire trip is going to be over soon, but here, it's barely started and I'm still trying to settle in to this new environment haha. I guess things are really different indeed when you are here for the long term vs for the short run. Housing becomes a pretty big deal, haha.
Anyway, my stomach is telling me that it's hungry at the moment but I'm not sure if it really knows what it wants? I'm probably going to grab some ramen from the cafeteria for lunch later, but I gotta meet Anping at 3pm to discuss her project so hm. At least I still have 50 minutes I guess.
Today has been a good day so far, and lab life seems to be getting better. I'm talking more to Kelly, Laurent and the rest of our lab mates, and it almost feels like I have friends here now, and a good social circle. I feel healthier mentally too (although physically it is contentious HAHAHA ingesting so much calories and junk food everyday D:). Hopefully things will only get better from now on!
I do enjoy the free schedule that I have here, and it's great that I'm starting to adapt enough to incorporate leisurely activities into my schedule now. For instance, the upcoming football match that I'll be going to see with Chu Qing Hao LOL, and then Laurent talked about bringing me to San Francisco's outlet stores sometime, and Kelly talked about heading to San Francisco to eat some Singaporean food together sometimes. It's good, yeah :) Things are starting to get better! And they are all so friendly. I enjoyed the talk about cultural exchange just now, think it is a pretty important part of being overseas. And it's been three weeks HAHA, only now can I think about things like this LOL.
Well. I think my stomach is really calling out to me. I should feed it with some ramen or some bananas, at least. Let me go google good ramen places in palo alto.
Okay gonna go and grab something from the cafeteria now. See you :)
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Tuesday, September 4, 2018 @ 9:16 AM
美しい歌だ；いつかあなたに紹介しようSometimes you get distracted by your feelings and then you do things that are not really in line with what you want to achieve for the long term.
But sometimes you get distracted by your feelings and amazing new inspirations are born from there.
So don't take it too hard on yourself to always know the exact thing that you want to do.
Life moves on, like a trickle of water seeking its way around the pebbles to finally form a river.
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@ 1:47 AM
Indecision.Sometimes we won't have all the information we need, but we'll still need to go ahead to make a decision then. We don't know what's gonna happen in the future, and we are not sure what will come after this. But at that point in time, we will still have to make a decision... Based on all the information that we have gathered so far, based on our experiences so far, based on our feelings so far. And perhaps the logic that we could see so far. And it will never be enough logic. Imperfect information works this way, I guess. In Economics, they taught it, but it wasn't easy to really grasp the concept until after I went through certain incidents of my own, where imperfect information really is a limiting factor. A frustrating one, at that, because it cannot be overcome. Not at all, haha. We can only limit the extent to which we have imperfect information, but even then, new information may pop up everyday, causing us to question why we didn't do the same thing the other day.
I keep oscillating back and forth, when new information is added into my plate. It isn't easy to make a decision that way. But I will still have to make a decision.
Hm. We'll see what happens then.
In any case. What shall I do today? Possibly get back to arranging one of my songs. :)
Yep, see you!
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Sunday, September 2, 2018 @ 3:04 AM
本当は 恐いよ だけど生きてくI seem to be pretty addicted to posting in this blog now ahahaha. Reminds me of the time maybe two years ago? When I blogged quite a bit during my stint in Italy and Europe. It's nice, though, because it's nice to know that there is a reservoir, a treasure box recording down your thoughts, an abyss to talk to. And this abyss is warm. It's not unwelcoming. It doesn't force you to do anything. It takes whatever you give to it, or throw at it. Mia's another one of these amazing black boxes as well, just that sometimes I have more feel to type that to write (or perhaps less patience to write HAHA).
Reflecting every day might be a good habit. Oops, Facebook is taking up too much of my time again. It's a thoughtless thing, you know, me opening my phone to open the app. A poor distraction when I don't even want a distraction HAHA. A habit, tsk. Perhaps I should uninstall it again. Okay, but let's get back to where we were before. Reflecting every day might be a good habit, indeed. It keeps a record of the various states that my mind was in, and from it, storylines can be seen. I can see how I fluctuate over the days, weeks, and months, and pinpoint the era of my life from these posts. It's a good record of the person that I am, and the persons whom I hold inside me. Hehe. Someday I'll look back at this barrage of posts from this period and recall that something like this happened to me before. I think it probably does more good than harm, you know? :) Because the human memory is definitely fallible, and we remember things very poorly. That's why recording things down when the memory is still fresh is important. Never used to experience this in the past, but now that I've accumulated more than 20 years of experiences in my mind, I'm starting to see what they mean. Periods of time will be blurred out, and you won't be able to trust your memories haha. But for words... I guess they will always be there, if nothing happens. And they won't change. That is what I believe, at least, so it's better that way.
Saw a Facebook post just now about how it is extraordinarily hard to recall back one's personality after a bout of depression, and even more so if the depression started when one was younger, because one wouldn't even have had enough time to form a personality. Maybe depression will account for those period of blankness in my memory, an in-built mechanism to get rid of unpleasant thoughts. Probably why I don't seem to be able to recall what went on in Year 3 Sem 1 quite well haha. When the heaviness presses on you, your focus lies more on persisting through the day, instead of on what happens during the day. I believe I'll forget my experiences in this house (especially those two weeks in the living room) quickly enough, because it's not something I would want to waste my limited memory space on.
Sometimes I wonder why I type all these out. Maybe it's a way of reassuring myself that a part of myself will be recorded somewhere. Because every second, the me one second before the current me is gone. Hmm. That's an interesting thought. What is gone will never come back. What is in the future is not within reach. The only thing that you can touch is now. The future and the past may influence the now. Indeed. But it's nice to be able to give rise to something outside of myself.
Language is... Really important. The written language too. It's how we can peek into history... How someone can peek into my history in the future, when I'm no longer here. Interesting though, eh.
I'm not sure why I'm still typing here when I don't really have any strong thing to say? Maybe just the feel of my fingers thudding onto the keypad is enough to soothe me. I type and I type, and these words get created and they float into the abyss that is the blog. I might be typing just for the sake of typing, of hearing that heavy thudding sound against the light table. I immerse myself in my current state of typing and of wanting to type, and continue to ride the waves of this state, and this feeling. Until some time later, the wave will surely dissipate. Although I don't know when. But experience has shown that it will dissipate somehow. So I continue doing it, even though I don't know when I will be able to stop doing it, or when I will want to stop doing it.
That's like Newton's law of inertia, isn't it? Newton's First Law. I don't suppose I have anything pressing to update you about, dear blog, so I'm just typing whatever comes to the top of my mind. Maybe I'll go out later, maybe I won't. I'm not sure, haha. But I'll probably microwaves that bowl of pasta, and eat it for lunch, together with a peach, perhaps. And that's probably all I need. I might read my kindle. I might do some music. Whatever it is, I will know that I am doing them not because I tell myself that I need to do them, but because in that moment, that is what my body tells me to do. And that is a form of relaxation and letting go.
@ 2:25 AM
DecisionsHello. Just spent my first night in the bedroom. I guess you could say I slept a lot better than I had in days, because for once, the mattress was thick enough to support my weight. Had a good breakfast of cheerios, soy milk and cut strawberries, but I didn't exactly savour it because I was talking to Ze Qing about my research project problems i.e. how I don't have a project/topic yet. And he gave me some suggestions. And after that I returned to the room, took out my laptop and google "in vitro biofilm transplantation". But then that sense of anxiety struck me again because it feels like I was stressing myself out over school. So I closed the laptop, decided to close off thoughts about academia, and am here blogging.
It's only 9am but I feel like I have gone through so many things now :/ Gotta remember to take a step backwards, stop, and breathe. And remember that things will turn out okay haha. They'll definitely turn out okay.
Yesterday night I saw that Qing Hao was in the area, and he mentioned that over the weekend he and a few other friends will be going on a road trip to Yosemite National Park. And they'll be staying over the weekend in an Airbnb until Monday, with a total of 11 Singaporeans or so there. I was given the option to join - just need to pack my bag, be ready at 9 and they'll come by to pick me up in the car. I said yes at first, last night. I even packed my bags and got ready to leave. But then when morning came... I didn't want to go any more. Because it'll eat up the whole weekend, including that holiday on Monday, and I won't be able to get the rest I'd wanted. So I didn't go...
Stress is eating up my body, kinda. Take a step backwards and breathe. In, out, in, out, look at the sky, stone and do nothing. Avoidance and escapism, perhaps that is what we tend to do. Rest is important. A break to do nothing. One step at a time.
Had the talk with the landlady about the current situation that we are in. I will have to send her an email at around 3pm later, to leave a written report that I have notified her of my intention to leave.
Would like to thank Alvin for giving me the confidence to follow through with my decisions. Now I'm less afraid and worried that I won't be able to make it if I chose to leave. And now the responsibility will fall onto my shoulder to make the best out of what I have after leaving, and there's no one else to attribute the responsibility to. Which is good, because I finally feel free, in a way. Free to go down the path I've decided for myself. 自分が選んだ道を、自分で歩いこう。I can handle the consequences, and because I've taken responsibility for them, I am now free to do what I wish to do, and what I need to do. No more relying on others to take that burden, no more crying when others' decisions don't turn out well, because now it's my own decisions - and there will be learning points at every turn.
Shifted perspectives, a new world... A new view. A new dawn to walk into.
See you. :)
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Saturday, September 1, 2018 @ 1:48 AM
Rest.Ah, the library. The place where I can feel the most at ease.
I don't understand why my laptop heats up so badly when I place it in my bag. The friction? The lack of air flow? I really don't know. And it's supposed to be in a resting state. Maybe I cannot have so many Safari tabs opened up at once. Or maybe I should turn the computer off in the night, let it rest for once.
It scared me pretty badly just now, you know, when I took it out of my bag to take some notes during the seminar and found it heated up so badly, the inner fans whirring madly to dissipate the heat. I was afraid that the overheating would cause an issue with the computer, the CPU, the data storage, whatever. It was worrying.
Today morning I woke up, and my throat hurt. Whether from the dryness, or an infection, I'm not sure, but when I took a look in the mirror, it seems like the back of my throat, the pharynx, was swollen. Although it wasn't red and angry. Just swollen. I immediately went to take some chuanxinlian pills, and a vitamin C tablet. And I drank a satchet of that herbal tea in the morning once I reached the seminar room. These will help, I believe. I have to believe. And drinking more water would help too. I'm drinking way too little now. Probably only one litre a day? It's not enough to sustain me. Perhaps I should change my bottle to the nalgene one litre bottle, and then I'll be able to drink without abandon.
I can't decide if I am hungry or not. I can't decide if I should eat or not. After overeating for lunch yesterday, finishing that entire box of turkey, mashed potatoes and broccoli, I didn't feel hungry enough to eat at night. In fact, those strawberries and that few tortellinis were forced down, in a way. I didn't eat this morning either. Only that cup of hot, sweet, tea, and that bite of the bagel. I still have the bagel with me, wrapped in a napkin. Spread with a little cucumber, milky cheese? A cucumber spread, that much at least. Not sure if it was a good idea for me to have come to school today. On a brighter note, I'll finally get a proper bed. To sleep in tonight. And tomorrow I'll let the landlady know that I'll be leaving the place.
I'll rest over the weekend. Finally have that bed, that table, a chair, and a closet. And a room of my own. Not just curtains enclosing a space. My crespion room was great. Because I had my parents too, and they could ferry me and all my things around, make the room a comfortable room. Sigh. Now I know.
What's it like for Emily and the rest? The rest of them who came here on their own, having to carve a life out of what was given to them? Well I suppose the comparison ain't fair, since the transport in NTU and Singapore is much better, at least. Still.
Not really in the mood to talk or think about science today. It's only eleven. For some people, it's only the start of the day. For me, it feels like my soul has already been taken away.
I'll leave school early today. To be honest, even now, if I can - except that I have that appointment with An Ping. But I'm not really in the mood at the moment. And I think I need the rest. Maybe I'll go back first. See her another day. The bed will be a better place for me now.
All right then.
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Reporting Cheers, Musings; the importance of memories Daily thoughts Better. 美しい歌だ；いつかあなたに紹介しよう Indecision. 本当は 恐いよ だけど生きてく Decisions Rest.