some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

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Sunday, August 6, 2017 @ 2:25 PM
3 August 2017 | 9.46 pm
Am on the topmost level of the playground below our house once again. I am reminded of the time more than two years ago - perhaps even three years ago - when I sat huddled up against the same railings in my school uniform, writing in my little black diary. Reflecting on how quickly time seems to pass by. 

I have no idea what will happen in the future. I don’t know if three years later I’d be able to sit here again, marvelling at how the same location threads through time and connects me together. The different mes. Or is there just one me? Is the me one year ago and the me now two different people? Is the me a second ago and the me now two different people?

What will I choose for the future? What will I let go off, and what would I hold on tightly to? What regrets will I hold, what pain will I feel? i hope that one day I’d be able to sit here again, in the same location, and pause to take stock of the way my life has turned out to be. 

I never postulated that my life would turn out this way. Maybe this is what we always think when we look back on our lives. Ah.

One day, this place will fall to ruins too. This playground will be old, demolished. This land - these trees and greenery around me, or even these signs that humans once existed here, that life once existed here - will be gone. In the dark of the night, illuminated by streetlamps and the moon above me, I am once again reminded of how fleeting life is. Nothing lasts. That is the truth

In the face of this.. What is it that I want to do? What will continue keeping my soul happy, satisfied? The music that I listen to will change. The routines that govern my life will change. The people I surround myself with will change. What is the one thing that will remain constant? 

I am seized by a sudden, inexorable sense of dreadful calm. Like I understand where the final destination of every one of us lies. A calm acceptance of a terrible end. What is it that grounds me in the present, even when I accept this epilogue fearlessly?

I would very much like to know my answer to that question one day. A firm answer, one that I truly believe in. One that stays with me even as the things around me change. 


These are the moments in which I feel the most alive. 
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Wednesday, July 26, 2017 @ 11:03 AM
Let me love you when your heart is tired


~




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Wednesday, June 14, 2017 @ 8:36 AM
Riding into the Storm;
私は何のために生きて?

毎日 同じのことをして、そう考えた
どうして心と頭がそんなに重い?

得过且过原来就是指这样的生活吗?

三个月的时间可能太短了;我无法从中准确的预测将来会做出的决定。这是我的弱点吗?需要至少一年的时间适应新环境。

我后来的人生是不是只能用这种方式度过?
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Sunday, June 4, 2017 @ 11:11 AM
I Took a Pill in Ibiza - Seeb Remix
It's when I'm exhausted that I find myself doing stupid things because my inhibitions and better reasoning skills are left behind
Hi. How are things going for you nowadays? For me, not so good. I'm feeling kinda tired. Wondering if it's because I don't give myself enough rest. Going to work takes up all the time between 7am to 6pm, or even 7pm sometimes, because I wake up at 7am to prepare to go to work, and only reach home at 7pm at times. And if I want to exercise, it means that I'll barely have time for anything else. But it's still manageable for now; it's not so much as the act of going to lab itself, but the fact that I am spending probably a little bit too much time there, to the extent where I'm not giving myself enough rest.

Of course, I can always go later, haha. It's not like there's a strict rule laid upon me or something which says that I must wake up at 7am and must reach lab by 9am and must leave lab only at 6pm. It's my own doing, haha.

And wanting to exercise is my own goal too. So is learning Japanese. So is going out with my friends. But perhaps I ought to put a little bit more time to relax. To just sit and stare into space, thinking about nothing. A pocket of time where I don't need to do anything. My body and mind tells me that I need this now, haha, because it is recognising the signs of me falling into a not-rested-enough state. Cuz even on weekends I am trying to fill my time up and spend it meaningfully with my family.

Probably all I need to do now is sleep. But I must learn Japanese! If I don't start on this today I'd be lagging behind already.

Maybe I shouldn't put too much effort on remembering every vocab, because I'm pretty sure that I probably just need to pass the LJ9004 placement test (not get A or A+, mind you) to be able to take LK9004. Alright then :)

Seeyah!

P.S. I finished two books in the last three weeks. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood, and A Dog's Purpose by Bruce Cameron. Mostly on the way to work and on the way back from work on the MRT. And so those periods of travelling time are taken up as well, haha. I guess I can't complain then, cuz it's really because I'm spending a lot of my time on things that are not exactly mind-free, per se.

P.P.S. I got two A-s this semester. BS2004 and BS2008. Got an A for Immunology, which was really great, I guess. A for WnR, which was not unpredictable. And A+ for both RA and Japanese. Oh well. MSG for this semester was 4.82. Overall cumulative GPA increase to 4.71. And GPA for this academic year will be 4.88, most probably, since I think I took the same number of AUs this semester and last semester. Not sure if I will get the Dean's List or not. But I suppose it doesn't really matter to me.

Alright, see you. Smelling some stuff that my father is cooking now and it smells so much like agar/LB powder/some microbiology lab stuff that I am pretty triggered now LOL.
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Friday, May 19, 2017 @ 2:25 PM
Something Just Like This
I've been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
Achilles and his gold
Hercules and his gifts
Spiderman's control
And Batman with his fists
And clearly I don't see myself upon that list

But she said, where'd you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I'm not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to; somebody I can kiss

I want something just like this


Met somebody important to me yesterday :) And who was so attractive, HAHA; I almost couldn't take my eyes off him.
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@ 2:20 PM
Lab progress
Today I started handling the C. elegans. Gosh I must say that at first when I saw them under the microscope I was a wee bit squeamish, but now that we are over the initial stage, they start to become a little bit more fascinating haha. Cuz I can really see their innards under the microscope! Around 2x magnification is enough :) But looking at the microscope reminds me of the time I spent in Rupshi's lab haha. All the hours spent in that little microscope room, tracing neurons in the cold. Transferring the C. elegans feel like that O: 

I managed to transfer 20 worms in the 40 minutes I was in the room. There must be a more efficient way of doing this! Maybe once I am familiar with this, I will try the synchronisation technique. Because now it is pretty obvious that the worms I picked for the PA01 plate tend to be larger than the ones on the lasI/rhlI plate, since I tend to pick the larger worms first. Yep. But first, let me get more used to this. 

It is a little trying on the eyes because I gotta squint at the microscope after all. And the strength control must be very precise, if not the wire will stab too deeply into the plate or be unable to pick up the worms. 

Well, first week at SCELSE full time... A little tiring, I must admit. And if I were to only work on C. elegans I will get bored after a while, I am sure. But this is science, and this is health, and there will always be progress and new discoveries! The first thing I need to do is probably make this process more efficient and usable as a screening tool for in vivo drug efficacy. :) And then we can see what happens after that, haha! About whether I will feel like I can take this after all; that there is meaning in this, meaning which I am willing to pursue!

Alright, see you~ 


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Monday, May 1, 2017 @ 12:03 PM
No limits
I want to see the world.

I don't want to limit myself and my opportunities for growth

I don't want to talk myself into thinking that, yes, all I want is an ordinary life, because there is still this part of me that yearns to explore, to learn, to experience, to see - to see what is like, there on the outside. To see what I can do to help. To see what will open me up. 

This is a very precious part of me which I don't want to give up. The part that can push for change, that can make things better

I am still looking and waiting for that one thing which my heart will completely accept, and which I will do.

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Wednesday, April 26, 2017 @ 2:28 PM
Shopaholic urges
HI we just ended our Immunology paper! And I am back in hall now. LOL went into a shopping frenzy somewhat at Minitoons just now HAHA. Bought a new keyboard cover and a tote bag x_x Well to be fair I was thinking about buying them for a while already... But it's not like I actually need them, just my materialistic side showing itself and being unrestrained because of the after-exam high x_x

But I must admit I enjoyed that paper just now pretty much :) Well for one, for the first time in a while I actually felt like I knew what I was doing HAHA. And I actually knew what the gaps in my knowledge were. So it wasn't that bad. I'm glad I decided to put more effort into this ^^ Both before and during the actual examination :) It reminded me of how I used to feel when I took examinations HAHA. But we all need to be at least a certain level of preparedness in order to be able to do this :( Although it was quite fun to imagine what other students will answer and what the lecturer will say in response to our answers... Oh well.

Hopefully BS2008 will be like this too! Although I feel like it probably wouldn't make me think as much as BS2007 made me think. I feel like through this last four days before the BS2007 paper, I actually really learnt quite a bit about our immune system which is great haha. This knowledge which I didn't have before! And which will be useful in my future life too (especially when I fall sick or something). It's unexpected that immuno finally became enjoyable after one whole semester of me lamenting about it HAHA. Damn. I guess it's the way you look at things that define how they seem to be :/

Alright I think I've tested this keyboard enough HAHA after typing so much on it. I feel like I need a nap now before I go on to watch the BS2008 final lecture and exercise O:

Alright, see you! :)

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Saturday, April 22, 2017 @ 3:12 PM
Cherish.
May I dedicate this song to you? 
:) 

-

This song speaks of the moment - that wondrous moment - I realised you were, in all seriousness, willing to accept me for all that I am

Do you know the sense of wonder one feels in a moment like this? That shining hope, peace, love, and joy. That sense of not knowing what exactly the future may bring, but knowing which path I will take if ever there comes a day in which my current path diverges; that sense of security in a messy, chaotic world. 

I saw it in your eyes - that precise moment I saw you looking at me, with all the care and concern spoken from your eyes -
The kind of eyes I'd always admired in others when I saw them looking at something precious.

I felt it in the way you held me and my hands

Some barrier was overcome on that day... On those two days. There is a sense of wonder in how things have progressed... And how we don't know some barriers exist until we get past them.

But yes, this is a song for you, to understand those feelings present within that moment;
And if I were to create something like this, I would probably name it something along the lines of Cherish.

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Friday, April 21, 2017 @ 3:11 PM
Life is a route of endless suffering and all we can do is choose the people we want to suffer together with and the kind of suffering that we want to go through.

Hello blogger. I guess before I start on immunology I just want to spend some time reflecting about the semester first. Or about the things that are on my mind a little.

We just finished our BS2004 examination this morning. I feel less drive to be able to answer questions during examinations now. There was one question whose answer I really cannot think of. And I'm not sure if it is because I believed that I won't be able to answer it or because I really did not have the capability to answer it. In the past, if I were to sit for an exam like this... I would be filled with adrenaline and somehow find a way to force myself to think and to come up with an answer that I can accept. Probably because it felt like those exams were my everything; if I were to screw them up, I would never have the chance to 'do it right' again. But now I don't even care if I don't manage to complete the paper to the best of my abilities. It doesn't matter that much to me any more, haha.

It's like I have stopped deciding to give my best for this one thing. What is worth me giving my best for, then? Last semester, I thought I found it in ethics and Japanese and Korean. I strove my hardest for the first ethics essay. I also strove my hardest in every Jap and Korean class. But somewhere near the end of the semester, I started to give up. I couldn't see the reason to continue striving so hard any more. And the answer has eluded me since.

I feel like I am not giving my best for the things that I do. Is this me settling down to a normal life? Learning to live with normal expectations and not setting goals so high for myself? Is this me allowing myself to accept a more average quality of work? Is this because the people around me are very chill as well and I am affected by them to a certain degree? Or is it because I have already found some things which are more important to me than the things I am currently preoccupied with at the moment and I just don't really care so much about these things any more?

-

On another note. Yesterday... I feel like some things have changed since two weeks ago. Yesterday was Wednesday. And... I think it was on Tuesday that I started to feel a little different. Finding back the reason why I started noticing those acts of kindness in the first place.

Not really remembering why I wanted to talk about this in the first place. Okay I guess my main point is to say that I can feel like some things have changed. But I don't want to write them down yet haha (my heart and soul cringes away at writing it down) - and this probably means that there is still some measure of uncertainty within my heart and soul. So I can't write those slivers of thoughts down, for fear that doing so will ruin them. Haha well. Yeah. I could feel like some things have changed yesterday.

But once again, there is no reason to rush, haha. We really do have time. And that is the beauty of the moment, I guess, that we have time.

Although I would like to thank you for taking the risk and showing me that we do not have to be completely sure of everything before starting them; sometimes it is worth it to take a gamble and to try.

-

And the language in this blog post is atrocious :( I shall attribute this to my lack of reading over the past few months. This is probably the reason why my brain feels a little constrained, as if it lacks much perspective. I will have to force myself to start reading again >:(
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recent entries

3 August 2017 | 9.46 pm Let me love you when your heart is tired Riding into the Storm; I Took a Pill in Ibiza - Seeb Remix Something Just Like This Lab progress No limits Shopaholic urges Cherish. Life is a route of endless suffering and all we ca...