& not-so deep secrets
huiting says hi
Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:
This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.
Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.
Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)
人生就是要盡情地瘋 ／ I am a free soul.
more of me
Naruto: Hokage Funeral Theme (Guzheng) youtube instagram Facebook twitter & my dearest Ting Ting
Thursday, June 21, 2018 @ 2:20 PM
C'est la vie, ma cherie.There are times when I am unsure about what constitutes an emergency. Are the increasing number of accompanying aches to my body a sign of natural wear and tear? In another era, I would have reached half my life span already. But in this current one, I'm only at the one quarter stage.
Still, one quarter is really fast. Just three more of such quarters and gone I'll be from the world.
When should I be concerned about the pains plaguing my body? Can I heft a smile onto my face and continue storming on, until I have no other choice i.e. until I collapse and am unable to carry on with the things I was doing? What is "exaggerating the problem" and what is "reacting appropriately"? What is "too much" and what is "ignoring an obvious issue to the extent of naivety"?
Sigh. I suppose these are things I'll learn as I progress through the remaining four quarters of my life. Perhaps I'll never get an answer, but I'll just have to keep soldiering on anyway.
That's what life is.
I'm certain that if you tell me that feeling this kind of pain is normal, I will accept it unquestioningly and grit my teeth to tide past it. Perhaps even continuing to do whatever work I can do, while holding on to the pain and preventing myself from collapsing. It's what society expects of me after all, and I am astonishingly good at responding well to what society perceives as the norm. Unless there exists other instances where things have worked well before, even while being stationed outside of society's norms.
Are humans naturally adapted to functioning as a group, a whole? It would make a whole load of sense that way, because this is the best way in which we can reproduce ourselves and increase our numbers. It's how we managed to dominate the world, although we started off as nomads. All these things about morals and values... I'm starting to think that the existence of these thoughts were engineered by nature, because this is how we can survive better. Still, it's fascinating, eh. Survival of the fittest... I wonder where we come from, and where we'll go from here. Who'll be the strongest? What constitutes the strongest?
It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.
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Monday, June 4, 2018 @ 6:55 PM
AntibioticsDear blogger, yet another day is coming to an end. I haven't been accomplishing much these few days, mainly because my body has been rather disobedient. A slough of three different conditions engulfing me at once! That's not very good, is it? There's that uterus infection which necessitated that rather painful shot to my bum (the muscles around the injection point are still aching, by the way), and the possibility of a flu virus taking hold of my body. It's strange, though, because I don't exhibit any other sign of being infected by the flu virus other than a pressing, throbbing headache at my temples and a slight fever for the entirety of yesterday. The fever is gone today, but the headache still lingers, rearing its head whenever I move mine too quickly. It makes me wonder if it is actually caused by the uterus infection, and not this flu virus. Of course, I hope beyond all hope that it's not anything else.
Lastly (and definitely not any less worrisomely), there's that menstrual cramps coming to taunt me. I must have spent at least a third of the day lying motionless in my bed, willing the pain to go away. After a while, it did, thankfully.
It's rather interesting what eating those antibiotics does to my body. They seem to have killed off almost all of the bacteria in me! Even those lingering in my mouth - my buccal cavity (sorry, just had to do that because of the rhyme ;D). When I wake in the morning, there's no foul smell coming from my mouth, unlike what happens for normal humans. My breath is odourless, and my tongue tastes sweet, even. Weird, huh? I suppose it'll make sense, because all of these tiny creatures would have been killed by the medicines I take into my body, and there'll be no one left to orchestrate all those processes which lead up to form that typical "morning breath". Even now, after having consumed a day's worth of meals, my mouth doesn't taste any different, whereas in the past the taste of the food I've eaten will linger and cause the taste of my breath to evolve in a unique manner, depending on what I've eaten.
Sigh. The disorientation is still there. When I move my head too fast, I feel like I take a while to get my bearings back.
I wonder if it was a mistake for me to have gone to Biopolis to retrieve my work laptop today, and to have insisted on continuing to work... :( But well, what's done has been done, and I'll just rest for the rest of today and hope that everything else will turn out better. That my body will recover!
Hui Ting back to top?
Saturday, May 19, 2018 @ 11:29 PM
Perfectionist streaks.Hmmm, made some observations of myself over the past few weeks and thought I'd just record it down!
The most important discovery I've made is probably about the way I react to event planning and management. Whenever I am the one in charge of deciding the place to go for a gathering, or of the itinerary of the day, I tend to put a humongous load of pressure on myself for seeing that the project works. My perfectionist streak will flow through extremely strongly in this field of things. While that may be a good thing, the way I deal with it is not exactly good. Perfectionism stems from a deep desire to want to see things play out in a wonderful way, but on the flip side, if things don't turn out "perfectly", I'd feel unnecessarily stressed. It's like my mind believes that my entire pride and capability rests on how well the event turns out - when honestly, it's not even official business! I won't lose my livelihood because of some screw ups in events, but I seem to place quite a large burden on myself to plan all events perfectly. Bear in mind that these events tend to be those "trivial" ones, including date nights, birthday dinners etc. Man. This exact same thing happened just now, when I was overwhelmed by my need to plan the perfect birthday dinner for mummymon in which every involved party feels great about the event - mummymon about the food and the atmosphere, my Brother and I about the price, my Father and Alvin about the quality and nature of the food.
Come to think of it, this happens a lot in the other parts of my life as well - when I plan dates, when I suggest restaurants to eat at. And it's probably not healthy, because the worth of myself as a person doesn't rest on how well I managed to plan an event to suit all involved-parties' needs. I wonder when this perfectionism surfaced? Was it after I took on the role of special projects director, and had the experience of planning events for the scholars? Hmm, it may be true. Ah well.
For now I'll head to bed. I have one more day left to rest and to do whatever I want/need to do. Tomorrow will be yet another day! And hopefully a better one too.
See you. back to top?
Sunday, April 29, 2018 @ 10:37 PM
Now Playing: Autumn Finds Winter - YirumaWas seized with the sudden, intense urge to come here, and blog.
What extraordinary emotions I'm feeling now, listening to Yiruma's Autumn Finds Winter. Such a simple motif, and yet it moves me to my core. I'm not sure what of it arouses such acute senses within me. I think my brain may have linked it inextricably to the first night Alvin attended a music concert together with me - last night, as we sat in seats HC16 & 17 on the second circle of the Star Theatre, listening to Yiruma play on his grand piano.
It didn't feel like much then. I'm still not sure how last night affected me, or will come to affect me. Maybe my subconscious mind has internalised several of those new melodies I've heard for the first time last night, and linked them to different things which I felt in the time from then till now.
I went to my grandmother's house to celebrate her birthday (and allegedly, Mothers' Day) just now. My dad brought a large cake over - vanilla-flavoured, topped with fresh cream and strawberries, pre-ordered from Prima Deli - and the rest of my grandmother's children were there as well, together with their children and their children's children. Time flashed by right in front of my eyes then, as I watched how my aunts and uncles interacted with one another - it reminded me potently of the time when we stayed together with my grandmother at Holland Grove Road, when the paternal relatives would come over every now and then to have a chat.
Time flies, and now we are old. Older. I'm no longer as scared of them as I used to be; I'm no longer doubtful of my decisions and eager to impress them. I don't shy away from contact with them now, and I know that what they think about me has no power over the way I choose to exist. It's a strange thought. Now that I think back upon it, I'm not certain what made me so afraid of them in the past. As if I had to live up to pleasing them, and impressing them. Was I really such an unconfident child?
I went to Chinatown and OG with my parents just now. They bought two Hush Puppies luggages for me, in preparation for my trip to the States. And then we walked around, and ate dessert. And walked to buy bakkwa at a store. These times won't last. I observe the way my mum interacts with my dad, and vice versa, and I think - I know more about them now, and yet, how long can this last? I see their strengths and flaws now, and see how human they are. I no longer shy away from the thought that they, too, are humans. Like any other.
When we are young, when our parents are everything to us, we tend to think of them as perfect creatures. The world as a perfect place, without loopholes.
But as I grow up, I've come to know, more and more, that there are loopholes everywhere. We seem to know what we are doing, but in reality, what are we doing, really? We've established all these systems and institutions, the economy, politics, law - but even the law, the absolute law, has its loopholes. I don't think anyone truly knows what they are doing.
As a child I believed that the world was flawless.
Now I feel like we are just a species so extraordinarily lucky to be alive, to exist in this... spacetime fabric. What would you call it? This bubble, this space that we exist in? The 'world'? That seems insufficient, somehow. It's so improbable that I am here, at this moment, a combination of all the things that make up me and which have conspired together in the past to lead to something like me.
And what... scares me, is the inevitability of death and loss. Just as it was almost incomprehensible that I can exist right now, it is almost too easy that I can be gone. Our very existence seems like an extremity in probability. If that's the case, then... It's not easy for me to believe that we are the product of a string of coincidences. There must be so much more to the spacetime we occupy that we think. We are merely ants in the face of the universe, microbes. Unseeable. And unseen. Unless you know where to look. Which means that a much more intelligent assembly must exist, somewhere out there. Maybe beyond our current range of sight.
We are so.. frail. So fragile, and small. Minute. Infinitely small.
What are we?
I have the nagging, and somewhat fearful thought, that it will all end soon.
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Friday, April 13, 2018 @ 4:30 PM
Eating as a form of distractionA little frustrated (TN: VERY frustrated) that I can't seem to get a perfect piece of recording for the piano songs that I play. Every time I record, I'll seem to get distracted in the middle of the recording, be it by my own mistakes, or the sound of the dog scratching itself, or the incessant whine of the drills that start playing in the background due to construction. Or by the sound of the lift doors opening and the dog jumping up and running towards the door. Or by the thought of someone opening the front door and coming into the room when I am recording.
And when I get distracted, I make a mistake. Or mistakes. Then my brain would focus on the mistake. And I would make more mistakes.
What will allow me to keep playing within the flow? Within my own little bubble of space and intensity, without allowing my mind to drift even when I make a mistake? How do I keep my mind focused on the moment of playing instead of elsewhere?
I see now that this is probably what Coach Yakov (Yuri!!! On Ice) meant when he said that Yuri Plisetsky lacked experience in competitions; Yurio would get nervous, and then that nervousness causes him to miss his jumps. Somehow, every performer, every athlete, will need to be able to control their minds and their minds' wanderings, directing those wanderings into better executing whatever it is that they are executing instead of allowing them to distract them from the executions. It probably requires some sort of training or experience to be able to reroute one's mind immediately when such distractions occur.
Sigh. It's frustrating indeed. But I probably ought to give myself time.
And I probably need to eat less snacks or else I'd be back to my pre-France uni (plumper) self in no time. -sigh- back to top?
Wednesday, April 11, 2018 @ 12:10 PM
One of those daysAm having a hard time focusing on doing any one thing! And the time just whiles away like that, as I am jumping between many different trains of thoughts and tasks.
If that's the case, then I believe I should take a break for a while, and let my body do what it needs me to allow it to do! Before I can find back my focus again.
Right. Okay. Glad that I decided not to go down to Tai Seng to return my TravelClef Flexi-piano today. My body and mind just isn't in the mood to get out of the house, much less to somewhere so far away and annoying.
Right. Looks like today's one of those days where one is just less "productive", then! Although resting is definitely a productive thing to do.
Chill, girl. Nothing is going wrong. Things will proceed at their own time. And more importantly, no matter what happens, you will still survive. So all will be well. Relax.
[update - after lunch]
Ate ramen for lunch. But that's not the point HAHA.
One of those days in which you're just like 'fuck the world' (probably because you are in pain and you can't really do anything to give yourself less pain)
The caramel-filled dark chocolate from Bruges helped though. It was a really good piece of chocolate. Oui.
Monday, April 9, 2018 @ 10:17 PM
A foggy world(?)I don't write down my feelings as much now as I did in the past, and the things that I write about have changed. I used to be more concerned about people of the opposite gender - whoever it is I was having a "crush" on or whom I was more preoccupied with at the moment - and affected by how they treat me, but now I'm more... stable in this regard, I suppose. That's good. Now I'm more concerned about my future goals, and the general direction in which I want my life to take. Looking back at the recent entries within the past year, I'd say that this is something which has been taking up a lot of my mental space. But I guess I can safely say that I'm closer to the light than I was in the past. Last time, I'd be wandering around in the fog, and not see anything at all. Then there reached a point where some light started to come into my foggy world, but because of the nature of fog, the light is dispersed; I see the entire fog being illuminated, and it doesn't help me any more than darkness does. And then now, I've pushed through the water vapour enough to see the light starting to narrow down. I can almost see where its source comes from, if I keep pushing forward in the same direction. Although I know it'll still be a long way to go; the fog being me is still illuminated, albeit to a minutely less extent than the fog in front of me - and that's how I know where to go - but it'll still take a while for me to reach the source of that light. But it's definitely better than darkness. Or an all-round illumination. Definitely.
Who knows, maybe the further I trace the source of this beam, I might suddenly find myself coming face to face with a mirror and realise that the light was only reflected in the current direction due to that mirror. But I'll deal with it when that comes. Most importantly, for now, I at least have some sort of direction to follow - some sort of hint regarding where I should go next. And this makes all the difference to my world.
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Wednesday, April 4, 2018 @ 6:16 PM
Don't know why I'm writing this down
Sometimes, there's this urge, this craving inside of me which can only be satiated by playing the piano.
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@ 4:01 PM
We call everything on the ice, "love".
一人で抱えるには大きすぐ夢じゃなきゃ、辿り着けない場所がある。The first anime I'd watch over and over again (and I have done that). :'( It taught me so much - about dreams, perseverance, hard work, and people.
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@ 12:12 PM
A bit of self-observation,My imagination motivates my dreams. What I see in them will determine whether or not I will continue down the paths which I am currently on.
What motivates my imagination then, you'll say?
My experiences. And I believe that there is be a bit of choice involved in shaping these experiences, because sometimes, I can choose the experiences which I want to go through.
Other times though, these experiences come completely unexpected.
And so I see, I imagine, I decide, and then I adapt.
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C'est la vie, ma cherie. Antibiotics Perfectionist streaks. Now Playing: Autumn Finds Winter - Yiruma Eating as a form of distraction One of those days A foggy world(?) Don't know why I'm writing this down We call everything on the ice, "love". A bit of self-observation,