some public
thoughts
& not-so deep secrets
tag please or die



huiting says hi

Welllllll this is the public blog, so the things written here should be more-or-less stomach-able. ;) So I guess this is where I say the mandatory line:

This blog documents the thoughts and growth process of:
A free soul roaming the world in search of some meaning to life.

Pretty sure that's not the exact way I phrased it when I had my old blog skin but WTV HAHA.

Oooooh wait I think I wrote it as "lonely soul" instead of "free soul". But hey guys I've grown out of that emoshitz phase already alright ;)

Enjoy.

人生就是要盡情地瘋 / I am a free soul.

bolditalicunderlinestrikeout
more of me

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Thursday, February 15, 2018 @ 3:08 PM
To whom shall I address? ; Time to bring back the 'you'.
Yesterday, I finished reading The Time Machine

It left me in an entranced state. It is a story I enjoyed tremendously. And I enjoy the language within the book as well.

It is one of those books which possess both finesse of language and engagement of the plot.

I'd say that I'd classify it as one of my favourite books of all time, alongside The Time Traveler's Wife. Hm. Coincidence? Or not... I wonder, indeed xD

But the image of the future of the Earth as H. G. Wells dreamt up was vividly implanted into my mind - that of the Earth coming to rest with one face towards the Sun it orbits, the redness and large size of the Sun, the monstrous crustacean-like creatures roaming that Earth of the future - I wonder if this is really the future of the Earth, a few million years later. It is fascinating to contemplate. There's a strangely calming effect about it as well - to know that the universe will go on existing, the flow of energy and electrons and atoms and waves causing it to go forth towards a set state. It gives you a sense of being a whole lot greater than yourself, and from there, you can get a fresh perspective of how minute your current troubles are.

-

Coming back the the present.

I've forgotten what I tend to do on the 除夕 of every Chinese New Year. Normally, I'd be in school, right...? Now it feels strange that I am at home and it's like any other day except for the fact that my parents are home too. What do we usually do on this day? Spring cleaning? Last-minute tidying-up of our house and rooms? Strange.

I am tempted to go for a walk or a cycle. Time to get some leisurely exercise in, since there's nothing much for me to do indoors that appeals to me anyway. Although I do agree that piano is my priority, and rightfully so.

Right. Perhaps it's time to bring Unagi down for a walk as well.

See you!

-

P.S. Yesterday was Valentines' Day, and we relived our time in the Hong Kong restaurant at Jurong Point with you treating me to dimsum and 叉烧 again. Same date, same place, but such a different context. I remember still feeling a little shy to be with you alone this time last year, cause I wasn't sure what we would be able to talk about. But well. Thanks for the experience :) And for the penguins (although I was the one who bought them LOL)
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Monday, February 12, 2018 @ 1:43 PM
consequences ; a person can only think of so many things at any point in time or else she'd explode
Sometimes I think that blog posts don't do me justice when they are being read by other people. A single post, itself, would contain only the emotions I feel at the particular point in time in which I wrote the post. But it doesn't dictate how I feel on a normal basis. Especially since I only tend to turn to blogging/writing in my diary when fervent emotions are present in my mind.

It'd do you much better to read the entire collection of my posts in order to attempt to understand me as a person. But even then, there are some things that I don't write out, because I don't want anyone to see them. Maybe my private blog would be a better gauge of my character, then. Ah well.

Consequences, consequences. They creep into my brain and decision-making processes more often than not now. Whereas what would make me truly happy is the ability to not think about the consequences when I do things. From experience, I tend to perform better when my mind is immersed in the present (in whatever I am doing at the moment) than in the future.

Short thoughts. See you!
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@ 1:38 PM
Simplicity
Hello dear blog, I'm feeling restless again! I don't understand why the afternoon is so cooling although the sun is shining so ferociously outside, casting its bright rays mercilessly onto the earth. Its effects are masked by the constant stream of moving, cool air that presumably come from the north. (To be honest, I'm not sure where the wind is blowing from in these winter times haha). 

I ate half a packet of the ultra-spicy korean dry noodles just now (curry flavour) - ignoring the fact that the expiry date written on the packet was passed three days ago LOL. Well. A few days isn't going to hurt. I'm pretty sure that the manufacturers do not know precisely at what point the ingredients constituting that packet of instant noodles will ferment, or spoil. So it'll be fine. 

Didn't know why I chose to torture myself that way though. Although I only emptied half the packet of spicy sauce onto the full serving of noodles, the meal was still unbelievably spicy. Thank God I had my boiled broccoli pieces, or else I wouldn't be able to eat as much as I did. Even then, I couldn't continue burning myself up after the first ten mouthfuls or so, haha. This is self-torture, indeed. Only masochists would be content with inflaming their mouths, tongues and oesophagi to such an extent. 

Well. I was attempting to read the paper we'd be discussing in BS3017 just now, but I only got to the third page. Like I said, I'm feeling restless. I know I ought to take a walk or so and I'd feel a lot more refreshed after that, but for now, I've turned to confiding in you. Perhaps I was inspired by what Anne Frank wrote in her diary, haha. Well. Some of the words she printed remind me of the emotions I feel when I am writing in my own diary/blog. So I guess... 

You know, I am pretty content with the kind of life that I am living at the moment. Free, simple, uncluttered. There aren't bucketloads of deadlines being flung at me over and over again, and I have the ability to relax when I want to. But I know it's not enough, yet. I don't think I will go back to the period of hectic frenzy I immersed myself in a year and a half ago. This time, it was really too much. Too much to bear. Too much, and possibly too suffocating. I invited the demons in on my own account.

Yesterday, I went to xx's house. It was beautiful, really, seeing the kind of interactions that went on in xx's family. The playful bickering, the silent camaraderie as they sit and eat together, and then clear up the table, and then sit in front of the television to watch a local drama series. I would say that their family is more close-knit than ours. (I shall leave this sentence open for discussion.)

No wonder family is important to xx. 

Sigh, I don't really want to continue that train of thought any longer. I wonder if I would be able to accept that simple sort of life, where happiness is gleaned from moments of shared camaraderie and opinions towards the characters on screen. At that moment, all of them are present, you know? This is something which I don't see in our family at the moment, because even if we are watching the television together, halfway, someone would walk away or stray off to use their mobile phones, and the continuity of the shared moment is disrupted. 

Technology and smartphones, indeed. Ah well. 

I'm starting to see more and more of its impact on the life of people in general, and on my own life as well. 

Well. Is it time for me to take a walk, or to change up the activity which I am doing now? I wonder what activity would feel like the best fit into my current mood. 

See you!

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Friday, February 9, 2018 @ 10:10 PM
Kintsugi
My golden sphere has cracked
Months of despair
Slowly impaling the scratch

into the sphere, the pest burrows
Nestling, nestling
it creates a hole,

a miniature one, for sure -
but glass is brittle
So is my sphere

I failed; didn't catch it quickly enough
Didn't stop it in its tracks
It didn't feel my wrath

cuz the wrath's directed outside; what more can I do?
It fuels my despair
and despair builds it too

So now we've a cracked sphere - but is that really bad?
Kintsugi's beautiful;
Imperfection ain't (oughtn't be) a setback.

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Wednesday, February 7, 2018 @ 8:03 PM
Alive
Am feeling, on the overall sense, happier by quite a bit. And I realise that I use the expression "I feel" quite a lot. In fact, in almost every piece of writing I come up with, these two words are bound to appear.

Interesting. Telling of my character? Perhaps. 

There seems to be many more things that I am looking forward to in my life at the moment. Is it because the majority of things are going right in my life, or because I am actually doing more things? I'm not so sure yet. Perhaps the latter. I've come to the conclusion that being outdoors - being able to walk around, and be active and not be limited to an indoors area - is great. It's something I probably will want to keep in my life, especially when it comes to my future job as well. 

This, at least - this small bit of freedom to move around and to choose where I'd like to do my work - is something achievable, I suppose. Or something I deserve to/can have. 

:)

I'm glad. 

Feeling more alive now that I ever did in the past few (or many) months, although what's going on in my life is arguably a whole load more normal and mundane than what seems to have happened in the past few (once again, or many) months (Singapore vs France/Europe, for instance). But perhaps the mindset matters more than the location, and the circumstances. We'll see. 

It's great. I'm testing the waters and the balance. Still testing. Tentatively. Hopefully. Hopefully.

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Tuesday, February 6, 2018 @ 11:31 PM
6th February 2018, & the future
So... 6th February 2018 has passed by in a flash, and for the first time in my life, the day doesn't particularly seem momentous or exciting to me. In the past, I used to look at this day as a very special day, where the birds chirp and the sun rises and the clouds sing and everything is awash with a kind of magnificent light, but now, it's just another day of the year. The sixth day of the month of February. Just numbers. And letters. Nothing much else.

Perhaps it's because I've gone through other, more life-changing days in the past year, and so the day on which I was born doesn't seem as crucial any longer. I mean, what's so unique about a day on which I was born? I didn't do anything special to deserve it; if any, the credit should go to my parents 22 years and 9 months ago for having done the work to conceive me, haha (pardon the crudeness here; I apologise if it seems too brash). I probably learnt a whole lot of other lessons through the days and the years than on this particular day itself. So, strangely (or not), today doesn't seem like a special day. Except that I am "officially" twenty-two, and would have to address myself as such from now on when people ask for my age. But age doesn't really seem to matter now, anyway, much less than the year of study I'm in. People would be more interested to know that I am in my third year of undergraduate studies than that I am twenty-two. Well. 

So I spent the day pretty idly, like how I'd spend any other day. Completed my digital interview in the morning on schedule, and then headed off to school to meet Jie Hui (and some other Chem peeps) for lunch. Then Yuet Wan appeared with a mini birthday cake, which I shared with the four of them. Oh yeah, they gave me a card too! I almost forgot about it. And then we played cluedo, and they went for tutorial, and I went to the career fair to get my lucky draw stamps before making my way to the hive and then SPMS's computer lab to finish up the rest of my recorded lecture. And then I went back to the Chem peeps' tutorial room in Hive and played three rounds of cluedo with them (each round took approximately 40 minutes once we are serious, mind you), before Alvin came and we went for dinner. And talked in the darkness of the night sky. Haha. Pretty normal, I'd say. 

I just reached home (10.44pm), and discovered that at 9pm, my mum texted me to ask me what time I would be going home. And when I entered the living room, I noticed a plastic cake knife and a lone candle on the dining table, haha. And sure enough, when I went to check the fridge, the evidence was there - a cake box in the centre of the fridge (I didn't pull it out to check the flavour of the cake) waiting for me. My family members were nowhere to be seen, however, and I surmised that they've all gone to sleep because I replied too late regarding my plans for the night. Oh well. Feeling a little guilty, touched, warm all at once. 

But all these emotions I've felt and the things which I've done throughout the course of the day only serve to show that I don't really care about my birth day any longer. Perhaps it's because the most exciting birthday of all, that of twenty-one years old, has already passed me by, and it was such a huge hassle that I wouldn't want to do something like that again (or if I did, I'd definitely throw a much better-executed party). But yeah. I used to always yearn for someone to surprise me on my birthday, with a knock on my door or a cake in their hands, or a card with heartfelt messages, but now, I find myself not craving for surprises like this any longer. It's not to say that I don't appreciate them still; I merely do not feel anxious over the lack of them. They are welcome surprises if they do happen, for sure, but I don't fret and keep my hopes up for them any longer. Funny how things worked out to be this way, eh xP Perhaps my priorities have changed - I think that's true now. I care about other sorts of things more than missed birthdays and missing surprises :) I mean, what does a mere cake and Happy Birthday song mean? Friendships are more importantly seen in the everyday way in which we treat one another - like how I enjoyed lunch and the rounds of cluedo we played in the Hive today, possibly more than an acquaintance showing up at my door with a quarter pound of flour and sugar. The things that I value are different, and thus naturally, the actions which I carry out as well.

That's interesting to discover. Well. 6 February 2018 has passed. My 21st year has been full of lessons and learning. About myself, about the people around me, and about the world as well. It was defining, I suppose. But well. I wonder what this year will bring. For the first time in a long time, I might be seeing a bit of hope towards the future. 

Let's hope it will remain significant :)

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Monday, February 5, 2018 @ 4:00 PM
to go /out/
Hello all! It's a Monday afternoon and I am seriously annoyed! I don't know what brought on this mood as well but well, it leaves me pretty incapacitated in my own thoughts. I attempted to watch my RNA lecture just now but I ended up dozing off. I'm not sure if it is because I lack sleep. Perhaps, seeing how late I've been sleeping over the past few days. But I wouldn't really want to take an afternoon nap either, since it will probably leave me more annoyed when I wake up. There's only a few other options left to do, then, which is to get out of the house and explore Singapore, or watch some anime, etc. The latter doesn't appeal much to me, though, because what I really want is probably to get out of the house.

Hmm. It's settled, then. I'll go to some place with a park, or some new place where I can take a walk and hike around a little (since my MRT rides are free anyway. Awesome.). Nature calls me more than technology does at the moment, unfortunately. Or fortunately. Depending on how you wanna think about it. (On a side thought, it seems as if my body is desperately trying to reap back the connection with nature it forwent in the last semester, haha. I'd like to be out of the house, seeing new things now, in spite of the hot sun and the risk of rain. I can already imagine myself outside of the house now, and I feel so welcomed by the thought.)

Right, the plan is set, then! I shall bring my iPad and my kindle to a place where I can sit down and read (and work on my lectures, if necessary haha).

See you!
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Friday, January 26, 2018 @ 5:31 PM
censorship and obstacles;
I seem to have lost the ability to express my disorientation and emotionality to my peers when it is necessary. Along the way, I've acquired the perspective that one cannot seem weak in front of other people, in this world. Is this a sort of stereotype against adults? That all adults have to either 1. have their shit in order, or 2. appear to have their shit in order, if not they will be put into a very undesirable position?

Is it really true that we should only seem vulnerable in front of a certain circle of people? There are circumstances in which showing your vulnerability will help you to connect more with other people, is it not... Hmm. I don't have good examples on my mind yet. 

But then again, perhaps that it is all just a show. Perhaps the people who show that they are vulnerable are actually strong inside - strong enough to be able to fearlessly show their vulnerabilities. 

Sigh. This is something that has been plaguing me recently. I still don't know how to decide when it is okay for me to reach out for help, and when I should be capable of doing things by myself. And who the other parties ought to be, in the event that I decide that I have to reach out for help. 

But perhaps what he said is correct. One can have the faith that an unpredictable person can shine and keep her head in tough times, but there must exist logical reasons behind that faith. The notion I had in the past, of hiding my strengths and only impressing the viewers at the last possible moment is a notion I cannot afford to continue holding now; it is a notion of the past, indeed. 

-

I've also noticed recently that great chunks of memories are slipping out of my brain's reach. I can't really remember what I did yesterday, or the day before yesterday, or the day before that - or rather, I can remember, but the chronological order is confusing. I'm not sure why my brain is so desperate to remember each detail; if I don't remember them, it feels like I am doing a great disservice to myself and to the world. Strange, really. Why do I want to remember all these details? Ought I write down the more significant things that I've been through?

Like last Friday, 19 January 2018, when we met up for dinner at the Star Vista and talked out our troubles and misunderstandings and differences and pains. And we ate A-one claypot porridge.

It feels like a month ago. Why? Amsterdam was just two weeks ago. It feels like a month ago as well.

I might be losing sight of the days, like how people tend to lose track of the days in their vacation periods. But my vacations are limited. And I am filling each of them up, for reasons I do not really know why (I know why, actually - I don't want to 'waste' my time on doing nothing. Why are we so afraid of doing nothing?)

Has writing here managed to lift some of the strain off my mind? I hope so. The rhythmic hitting of my fingers against the keys is soothing. I like how I can materialise intangible substances like thoughts into something tangible, here, on the screen - the black pixels set in stark contrast with the white. I like to describe things. I don't want to think about the implication of the statement I've made there. I don't want to see everything in terms of their costs and effects, in terms of the outcome they can bring to me. I don't want to attach a consequence to every thought I have, every action I make and every word I utter. It is exhausting. But I have to do this for some thoughts, some actions and some words. The only question is where do I draw the line? Does my perfectionistic nature tell me that there exists only black and white, and that if I attach a consequence to one thing, I must be consistent and do it across all factors of my life?

Well. This post has been unstructured so far, but it doesn't really matter, does it? A structured nature was not what I set out to accomplish when I typed "blogger.com" into my Safari address bar today. The purpose was to get rid of some of the thoughts invading my mind, to expel them out, so that I can achieve the little bit of peace I so crave from these thoughts. Because there's always this fear that if I don't write them down, I will forget them. I have learnt in recent years that the mind is not infallible. We forget things, all the time. And there is a greater amount of things we have to remember now, as we age, and as we take up more responsibilities in the world, including the responsibility of our selves.

A wordy diarrhoea, that's what this post is. But it may be exactly what I have been craving for the past month. See, one month has passed without me really letting out the accumulating debris in my head. It's no wonder why I feel more and more frustrated as the days pass by.

Can words be a therapy? Can seeing letters after letters fill up pages after pages of documents be a form of relief? I guess so. For years, this seems to be observable in the growing me, at least.

Whisper of the Heart. I wonder if it is applicable in more parts of my life than the ones I've identified so far. Hopefully so.

And now I am getting hungrier. I hope that my mother will come home soon, and that she will have my dinner with her. Strange. I thought I'd be able to stomach a longer period without food (ha ha) after I finished that cup of soya milk (no sugar). This sort of hunger is normal though, I suppose. People are supposed to feel hungry before meals, no? It's a sort of state of being I've forgotten in the recent years, with my increasing gluttony.

Time to read? Well, I can afford to do so. Let's refer back to my priorities for this semester: Read, play piano, rest.

Right. Reading is on the list. Which means that it should be all right for me to push aside other things to accomplish this. (it was getting hard to sort this out in my head. Too many possibilities, options and choices. That's why we need a blog. That's why we need to write down some of these thoughts because your brain cannot possibly hold all of them without imploding on itself.)

See you, my dear. 
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Saturday, December 23, 2017 @ 5:10 PM
Resting
Why, hello, my friends. It's been a approximately a month since I last posted here, although it feels longer than that.

I am currently in France, in the town Rambouillet. Alone in my friends' room. One of the rare chances I get to rest and to do whatever I want to do. Which is great. And the environment is very comfortable too. Singapore temperature. High enough to wear FBTs and a t-shirt.

I went to the Panthéon at Paris yesterday. Read Le Petit Prince in the... structure? Building? Well. Looked at the Maria Curie exhibition, and visited her vault in the crypt. Had a great afternoon by myself; it almost seemed like solo traveling again. It was definitely the reprieve I craved. But I only have a few opportunities to do this while I am here.

Well, at least next week we'd be ending lessons at 1pm every day. It's both a blessing and a curse, I suppose, because I wouldn't be able to head home to rest for the afternoon even if I wanted to. Haha well. Except for Wednesday. Hm. Perhaps I'll go home early on Wednesday. And then go to Versailles some other day.

For now... Let me enjoy this peace and quiet and freedom in the room here, with my music and all. Will cook myself a healthy lunch later, and eat plenty of fruits. Not sure if they have vegetables in their fridge, probably not, when I checked just now. But it's all right. :)

Okay, will go off now. Maybe take a nap or so.

See you!

Can't wait to see Alvin two weeks later :)
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Wednesday, November 29, 2017 @ 7:18 PM
いらないものは捨ててもいい
Please abandon the things that you do not need! The things that are not in line with your priorities! 
I realise that I am suddenly so fearful of taking on responsibilities. Is this a side effect of having exerted myself too much in the past, although I didn't feel like I was exerting myself? If so, then it's really sad. 

I shy away from all sorts of thoughts of these responsibilities now. Have I messed up my priorities in the past? I can't think straight when my priorities are not in order. 

It boils down to my perfectionistic nature, I believe. Since when did I become so perfectionistic? Wanting everything I do to be perfect? Perfectly executed, perfectly designed, if not, perfectly explainable... Ugh. These thoughts of perfection are what suffocates me. There are times when I feel like I can't breathe from the weight of these thoughts buzzing around like a swarm of killer wasps in my brain. It's tiring, incarcerating. And I believe that if I don't control it, it will drive me mad some day. 

I must learn how to let it go - to understand that nobody is humanly capable of achieving perfection in everything they do, and chasing after these perfections mindlessly is what leads to the greatest failures of all. 

Let go, let your mind and soul breathe, relax. 

Trust that there is a higher being taking care of you, if you must. 
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recent entries

To whom shall I address? ; Time to bring back the ... consequences ; a person can only think of so many ... Simplicity Kintsugi Alive 6th February 2018, & the future to go /out/ censorship and obstacles; Resting いらないものは捨ててもいい